A Year in the Life of a Complete and Total Genius (17 page)

“To whoever it is who is under that sheet,

It's time for your break-in to turn and retreat.

I'll call the police if you don't leave right now…”

Artie runs from the house, a sad hand to his brow.

He stays up all night, worried, fretting and thinking.

It seems as though all of his options are shrinking.

He slips into a dream as the sun starts its rising

And then WHAMMO! It hits him so hard it's surprising.

His new plan is brilliant! His success is assured.

His methods are shady but his motives are pure!

He's armed with some cat food—Pickles's favorite brand—

And a net that he knit for the rescue at hand…

Artie whistles for Pickles, and Pickles looks down

Where she sees her old owner and responds with a “Meown.”

Artie opens the cat food so the scent can waft up

And Pickles smells scents of her old favorite sup.

Artie opens his knitting to create a safe drop

(Even with her nine cat lives, the ground's a hard stop).

He motions to Pickles to trust him and jump

And then the cat's flying! She lands with a “Whump!”

It's Pickles and Artie! They've been reunited!

And Frank's kitty-napping has been rightly smited!

And not only that, but the rescue is seen

By Sophie, the lover and beauty teen queen.

She watches as Pickles flies high like a dove

And then she sees Artie and falls madly in love,

For all ladies love a grand lad who can knit,

A lad who's well-rounded, with resource and wit.

They patent his net, Artie's cat-saving sweater

And then after that, life just couldn't get better!

(And as for that Frank guy, he's now learned his lesson

And works frenching fries at a delicatessen.)

The End

Dear Arthur,

You've written a charming story poem! Your sense of humor shines through and your rhymes are nicely varied. I'm glad you found a way to “knit” together some elements of your own life into your plot line. Well done!

Ms. Whitehead

• • •

June 20th

Dear RJ,

I have come to a very important conclusion. I, Arthur Aaron Bean, am a man of few words. I don't need long, drawn-out sentences to adequately describe a scene or a character or a plot. I don't need paragraphs to pull my readers in.

I am a poet. My stories can be told in short bursts. In fact, my stories are stronger that way. I might be the next great American poet, like Alfred Tennyson and William Blake. My work will be read in classrooms for years to come, I bet. They'll say things about how my work centers on real-world problems and how I came from a difficult background but overcame everything for my art, I bet.

Do you think poets make a lot of money?

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean

• • •

From: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

To: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])

cc: Robbie Zack ([email protected])

Sent: June 20, 15:50

Dear Kennedy,

I never heard back from you about maybe going to the movies with Robbie and me.

I asked Robbie about it and he's really excited about going—you know, as friends.

Anyway, let us know! We'll even treat you!

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean

• • •

Ongoing Reading Journals

Remember the reading journals you began in September? Although these are for personal responses to your reading, I would like to see that you've done some reflections. Please bring your journals in to show your work. You have a bit of time to polish up your journal if you wish, or to redact specific pages (which is hiding pages you may not be comfortable sharing with me if they have some personal thoughts—you can tape them shut, or staple them together). I look forward to reading about your reading!

Due: June 23

• • •

June 21st

Dear RJ,

Ms. Whitehead wants us to
hand in
our reading journals? I can't hand you in! What would you do without me? I don't think I should hand you in. You and I, we've been through a lot together this year. Plus, even though Ms. Whitehead says she won't read the private stuff, I think she will. She's nosy like that. As if she wouldn't want to know the private thoughts of her students. If I were a teacher, I would totally read the whole thing! I'm going to have to tape almost every page shut. I hope she just thinks I read a bunch of books. I'll write some fake entries to add to you, starting…NOW!

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean

• • •

November 30th

Dearest Reading Journal,

I read a few novels this month that Luke sent me. Luke is my cousin who reads a lot. They were all science-fiction novels. I thought most of them were okay, but I don't really like books that take place in outer space. I know that must be weird, since all nerds like
Star Trek
. It must prove my utter coolness…HA!

Anyway, once I got over the space parts, the stories were pretty good. There was a lot of fighting, and then there were a bunch of weird alien sex scenes. I mostly skipped those parts. In the end Captain Mark Freeloader won the freedom of the universe. What kind of last name is Freeloader? I get that the guy is always borrowing stuff from other species and not giving it back, but it's still a bit obvious, don't you think? The girl in the book was named Guidonna. I guess it's like a female version of Guido. You can make a female version of anything! When I read that, I decided that I'm going to call my next character Franklina. Or maybe I'll call her Arthura, although that sounds like a body part, or maybe an exotic disease. I bet that Guidonna contracts Arthura in the next Mark Freeloader book, and he has to visit a hostile planet to get the antidote. I bet they make movies out of the books. I would watch the movies probably. As long as they don't have Richard Gere in them. My mom loved his movies, but I think he's boring.

One book that I can tell you I won't be reading is the book that Auntie Deborah gave me.
You Need Rain to Make Flowers—a Manual for Grief
. I'm going to leave it in the rain and see if I get roses from it. Ha! It looks so boring that sometimes when I can't sleep, I just look at it and bam! Snoozeland! It works better than my math textbook.

I read so much that I don't even think this reading journal will be able to keep up. In fact, just this week I read three books. I'm a very fast reader. My mom said that I was basically a speed reader, but she didn't believe that I was actually reading all the words or even cared about the plot. But I'm just fast!

I think that next month I'm going to read only important books. There are so many novels where the back cover or one of the blurbs about the book says “This is an important book.” Since my own books will be important books, I should probably read a few and see what I need to do. Who decides they are important, I wonder? Do important books mean that lives have changed by reading those novels? That's what I want to happen to my readers. I'll probably write in this reading journal all about how my life has changed by the books I've read. This reading journal will likely be deeply personal (another of my favorite sayings that are written on book jackets!) and my responses will evoke so much emotion! It will be like the time that my mom read this book about a kid whose dad died in the Twin Towers and she cried for hours, even though she had finished the book already! But I don't cry at books. Maybe that's another sign that I haven't been reading deeply personal, important books. Ha!

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean

• • •

Assignment: Conclusions/Alternate Endings

As we reach the conclusion of our year together, it's time to learn how to wrap up a good story. The conclusion of any great story doesn't need to say it all, but it does need to tie up most of your loose ends, and perhaps leave your reader wanting more, or feeling happy with where you have left your characters (the best writers are able to do both at the same time!).

In this assignment I would like you to take a well-known fairy tale and rewrite the ending. As you know, all fairy tales end with a “happily ever after.” Maybe Cinderella doesn't get to try on the shoe; then what would happen? Maybe the woodsman doesn't save Red Riding Hood, or perhaps the Gingerbread Man breaks a leg. Can you find a new and creative ending to a well-known story?

Due: June 27

• • •

Peer Tutoring Program—Progress Report

Session: June 23rd

Worked On: Endings

artie and i killed off every prince charming ever created today. it was awsome!

—Robbie

Robbie and I both felt that the most effective endings are when the bad guys die. In the end, we felt that us killing off all the Prince Charmings would be better for all girls out there waiting for their prince. Robbie and I are both happy to jump into that role for any young, beautiful princesses who are rich and have their own cars.

—Arthur Bean

• • •

It's Arthur Unknown!

By Arthur Bean

Hello, Fans and Readers!

Welcome to my new column, an extremely entertaining observation of the world at Terry Fox Junior High!

I've been asked to write a reflective “year in review” article of my opinion of starting in junior high.

I'd like to start with the ninth graders. Why do they not know who any of the seventh graders are? I'm certain that I recognize the whole graduating class, but when I say hi to them in the grocery store or wherever I might be, they look at me like I'm a total stranger. That's weird. Maybe I should follow them around and find out what they are buying. Next time I can tell you who buys laxatives or zit cream! Watch out, ninth graders!

I also think that our uniforms are really ugly. Blue and gold? Did they buy them at IKEA? At least our track and field team placed last in our division this year. If they had been actually fast, they would look like someone was sick after drinking Kool-Aid and eating lemon birthday cake! Maybe next year there will be real runners on the team!

There are a few things lacking as well from our school. I didn't expect to have to put up with the horrible smells coming from the eighth-grade home ec unit on homestyle cooking! Hamburger soup? More like hamburger poop, I say!

I have so many more observations, but I'd rather save some of them for next school year. Keep your eyes on this space for the next
Arthur Unknown
!

Hiya, Arthur,

Yowza! I'm going to hold this article back from printing; it's not exactly what I had in mind. I'm a bit worried that you could get beat up if we publish these observations! The biggest thing to remember: you don't need to try to be funny! Your wit comes across in your regular articles, and I know what you were trying to do here, but it doesn't really work. What I think you meant to be witticisms read more to an outsider as insults. It's just kind of mean instead of funny.

I was hoping you would share your fears and worries with your readers; you're a good guy, so I'm sure they would delight in your triumphs and feel bad for your failures. We can talk more about this in the new school year (I hope you stay part of the newspaper club in September!)

Have a great summer, Arthur!

Cheers!

Mr. E.

• • •

From: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])

To: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

cc: Robbie Zack ([email protected])

Sent: June 26, 21:12

Dear Arthur AND Robbie!

Sorry I didn't get back to you about the movie! I've been CRAZY busy! AND my family is going away for the summer. We're going to Malaysia for my dad's work. DON'T ASK WHY! (We go every year! We even have a house that we rent! It's SO HOT LOL!) Normally we have a pretty good time when we go away, but this year it seems. to be TERRIBLE! My brother doesn't want to come at all, and my dad is forcing him to come on a family vacation! I think it might be the WORST idea ever!

Also, did I tell you that I have a new boyfriend! He's my next-door neighbor's babysitter's brother—so complicated, I know LOL! ANYWAY, I've been seeing him lots! I asked him if he wanted to go to the movies with us and he thought that sounded fun! Plus he wants to meet Robbie…the boy who kissed me in front of the WHOLE school LOL! He says that he's jealous of him! Watch out Robbie…he plays football LOL!!!

Maybe we can go on the last day of school, like an end of the year celebration!

Let me know!

Kennedy :)

From: Robbie Zack ([email protected])

To: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

Sent: June 26, 22:35

did u get k's response? i hate that guy all ready. i worked all year 4 her to like me.

From: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

To: Robbie Zack ([email protected])

Sent: June 26, 22:37

Totally. I concur.

Arthur

From: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

To: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])

cc: Robbie Zack ([email protected])

Sent: June 27, 22:42

Dear Kennedy,

I'm glad that you are able to celebrate the end of school with us. I guess since your boyfriend is coming he can pay for you! That means Robbie and I can get popcorn!

Let's talk at school about what movie to see tomorrow. See you in gym.

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean

• • •

The Princess and the Frog
—Alternate Ending

By Arthur Bean

“No, you must kiss me!” pleaded the frog with the frightened princess.

“Ew! No!” she squealed and threw the frog against the wall of her bedroom. He hit the pink-painted wall with a loud
thud
, and slid to the ground. Then the most magical thing happened. The frog began to grow and transform, until he was the size of a real human man. The princess was shocked.