Abithica (14 page)

“I’ve been tired.”

“No, you’ve been moping.”

“I’m not.”

“Okay, moping may have been the wrong word. It’s more like you’re waiting for something awful to happen. Am I wrong?”

I choked on my cereal. She thumped me on my back and then waited, quietly. What, no ceaseless chatter? No swinging from topic to topic, hoping I’d jump in and swing with her? Okay, so she’d noticed a lot. She had been getting closer and closer to this conclusion ever since we’d gone to pick up my car.

“Thanks for not pushing me, Faith.” I sighed. “I know you have a lot of questions… believe me, so do I… but every time I get close to any kind of answer, it turns into more questions.”

“Maybe you’re asking the wrong questions then. Have you thought about that?”

“I’m not following you.” I put my spoon down.

“Sometimes we can become so enmeshed in things they become all tangled and complicated. We can’t see the simple truths. I should know, since it happens to me all the time. Shall I tell you what I think?”

“Go on,” I whispered.

“From where I’m standing, I see that you became miserable after you decided to distance yourself from Lane. I don’t know why you did that, nor do I want to know. Right or wrong, we all have our reasons for doing things. All I’m saying is that if your decision to shun him makes you so miserable, maybe it’s time to rethink it.”

Wrong, Faith, I was miserable way before that
! “It’s more complicated than that. It wasn’t going to last. I was growing too attached too fast and he would never… could never feel the same way about—”

“And you wanted to avoid being hurt.” Her interruption was a statement. “Well, it seems to me that you’re hurting anyway, so why not try to squeeze a little joy out of the situation, especially if the outcome is going to be misery either way? We all need joy, even if someone force feeds it to us.”

She stood abruptly and left the room, leaving me to watch my last two Mini Wheats sink to the bottom of my bowl and disappear. I nodded to myself. What I’d just said was a simple generalization, but it was true. How many times had I imagined what it would be like, coming back in a different body and seeing him with Sydney? In every one of those fantasies he was happy… so was she… and I was miserable. Joy simply could not coexist with reality as far as I was concerned.

And then it hit me. Ever since the dream, I’d been miserable worrying about Sydney’s revenge, but what about
her
feelings? She was completely cut off from everything and, since loving herself was out of the question, she was incapable of loving others or even receiving love from them. She’d been on a fast road to Hell until I entered her life, and now things were just as miserable for her in a different way. If our positions were reversed, how would I feel?

Sydney needed love, and she needed it unconditionally. Who better than someone who didn’t actually know her to deliver that love? She and I were as intimate as any two souls could be. It could be
this
was to be my assignment. Could I do it? Could I look directly into her soul, past all the crap she’d arranged to prevent anyone doing it? That’s what it was, capital C, Crap. Could I get past that and love her, even if I got none in return? Could I even reach her?

Questions without answers. I sat there for a long time, thinking about my revelation and Faith’s little lecture. What she’d said made sense in a way, but joy shouldn’t need to be force fed, or squeezed out of situations when they were going wrong. I’d always considered it a spontaneous thing, the result of other things done or said, or even the result of personal accomplishments. It never showed up in an atmosphere of fear or anger, because it couldn’t. Even the way I was handling Lane was wrong, because I was doing it out of fear, doing it for closure, so there’d be no lingering questions.

I decided to give it all some serious thought, as soon as Faith left for work. Meanwhile, I could tend to my self-appointed chores. She came into the guest room while I was making the bed, helping lift the mattress so I could slide the fitted sheet around the corner.

“Don’t leave Steven,” I said, tugging at the bottom elastic even though it made no difference. “You two belong together.”

She moaned. “What the heck is going on with you, Sydney? You said the same thing earlier today, and yesterday and the day before that and the day before that…”

“Have I also told you that I believe you’re on to something with your shoe philosophy? It really is very clever, you know. You should write a book or something.”

“Yes, you’ve mentioned that, too.” She rolled her eyes at the ceiling. “Why are you changing the sheets again? Didn’t you do that yesterday?”

I stopped smoothing out the top sheet in mid stroke. Was she right? “I’m using too much water, aren’t I? I’m so sorry. I didn’t think about that. I was just trying to help.”

“You’re
not
using too much water, but you
are
making me insane.”

I grabbed a pillow, tucked it under my chin and started working it into a pillowcase with both hands. “I’m not trying to. I just… you know… want to show my appreciation for all you and Steven have done for me. This is the only way I know how.” The pillow slipped while I was talking, but I was able to shake it into the pillowcase the rest of the way.

Faith had her patented “I’m about to swallow the bird whole” look about her. I stopped with the pillow, waiting. “So you want to please me? Is that what you’re saying? Talk to Lane, then. That’ll make me happy. When he called this morning, he said Shae misses you, that she’s convinced she scared you away. That’s silly, right?”

I knew exactly when he’d called, of course, thanks to Steven’s phone. It had been two whole days and twelve hours since he’d
last
called, this after calling every single day. So what had I done? I started praying he
hadn’t
moved on, that there
wasn’t
another girl, that he
would
call… and he did… and now I was right back to where I was after Sydney’s little tantrum. I wanted desperately to talk to him, but refused to let him anywhere near
her
.

“You have to fix this for me, Faith,” I told her. “You can’t let Shae think she’s to blame, not for one moment.”

“Nothing
I
say means anything,” she sighed. “They want to hear it from you!”

“But I can’t…”

I was suddenly talking to an empty room. Faith loved having the last word and dramatic exits, and this particular departure was exquisite. On a scale of ten, it got a solid nine because it left me alone with my insatiable desire to
do
something—anything! Would this be the time to change tactics with Sydney? Could I afford to let her into my psyche? No! Too early. I wasn’t ready, and…
that comforter looks terrible! What were you thinking? It’s sloppy.
I grabbed a corner and tore it off the bed. Then I spotted an unsightly little wrinkle in the upper right corner of the top sheet. How on earth could I have missed that? Where was my mind? I swept it off the bed with a single yank. If Faith came back and caught me, I’d just say I’d been distracted by what she was telling me.

Sure enough, I was re-tightening the top sheet when the bedroom door opened. That was Faith to a tee, on schedule with her final word. I sighed and began folding down the sheet’s top edge.

“Look, Faith, I know what you’re trying to do and I appreciate it, but my life is complicated enough at the moment without adding Lane and Shae into the equation. They’ll only make things worse, so I’m asking you—no, I’m
begging
you—to find a polite way to explain that to them for me.”

“Shae and I won’t complicate it; at least we’ll try not to.”

I was reaching across the bed at that moment, but my supporting hand slipped forward and down I plopped, rebounding like someone on a trampoline. Lane was standing in the doorway, watching my mad scramble to recover my composure as well as my feet. Thankfully, I’d worn a clean pair of jeans and brushed my hair. Two days earlier, and I’d still have been in Faith’s pajamas.

“What… what are you doing here?” I stammered.

“Honestly, I’m not sure,” he said, sitting on the bed… Sydney’s bed. The very thought made me a little fanatical, along with his close-fitting blue jeans and pale blue t-shirt that hugged his chest, but I managed to collect my wits.

“Look, Lane, I did all I could for Shae. I hope it’s enough, I really do, but…”

“But you don’t like
me
. Is that it?”

“No… no… not at all.” He stood with my words, ready to leave. “I mean yes. Yes, you’re a nice guy, and she’s a very special little girl. She deserves to be happy, and I think she will be in time, but not because of anything I do or don’t do. She’ll decide when it’s time to talk again.”

“She already has.” He sat back down.

“What?”

“She talks all the time, but only about you, and only to me.”

“That’s great! I’m so happy for her. I’m happy for you.” I wasn’t ready for that. Not thinking, I sat right next to him. “Does she smile? Does she laugh?”

“Sometimes, but not as much as I’d like.” He started fidgeting again. “Look, Sydney, Shae isn’t the reason I’m here. You are. I can’t stop thinking about you. I know it sounds crazy, because I hardly even know you, but I’ve missed you enough to come here and make a fool of myself.”

He was looking directly into my eyes from no more than a foot away! Too close. I sat on my hands before they made a move I wouldn’t be able to explain.

“You’re scared of me now, aren’t you?” he continued. “I’m such an idiot. This is too much too soon, isn’t it, coming here like this?”

“Lane, maybe
you’re
the one who should be scared. You don’t even know me.” I whispered my words, even though there was no reason.

“That’s just it, Sydney. I
want
to know you, want to know everything about you: your favorite food, the books you read, the one thing you want more than anything else in the world. Your dreams.”

That did it! He was either in love or infatuated, and he was talking to Sydney, not me. The whole thing was a huge mistake. If I didn’t put an end to it this minute I might as well gift wrap him and hand him over to her with a big red bow. Why would I do that, when I’d have sooner strangled her? Maybe I could scare him off.

Why would you strangle her? Stop thinking that way. He’s talking to you while he’s seeing her body. He’s sensing
you
, responding to
you
, not her. She’s the one who’s suffering. Would you change places with her right now?

“Lane, my life is more complicated than you could ever imagine. You’re–”

“So I’ve heard. Want to tell me about it?” There was a ghost of a smile on his lips. He wasn’t taking me seriously.

“I’m being serious, and you’re not. Think of your biggest fear, but don’t say it out loud.”

“Okay, done,” he said, letting the smile break all the way through.

“I’m
much
scarier than whatever popped into your head just now. For your own good, walk away from me and never, ever look back.”

“That scary, huh? That’s pretty scary, yeah. I’m petrified.”

“Oh, be serious. I have secrets you wouldn’t want to hear.”

“Mysterious girls are a turn on. Go ahead, ask any guy.”

“I have… horrible thoughts… all the time.” I stared at my bare feet.

He lifted my chin so that I was looking at him. “Bet you anything I can one-up even your worst thought.”

“Lane, what I’m trying to tell you, if only you’ll listen, is that—”

“Interesting room, by the way. Hmmm… danger, curves ahead… Sydney Avenue. I like that! Don’t particularly go for the stop sign, though. Did you do the decorating? Am I seeing the scary part of you?”

He’s off the track. Say something! You can’t let him think this is you.

“I… Lane, these things go back a few years. Call them mementos of who I was back then.”

“Really?” He paused, chuckling and shaking his head in mock disbelief. “I’ve never met anybody like you, and something tells me I never will again. That’s why I’m here… making a fool out of myself. I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. You’re absolutely right, though. I don’t know you, but I
do
know I’ve been crazy about you since the first time I saw you. At the mall? I followed you to the play area.” He chuckled again. “I couldn’t help myself. Poor Shae. Her ice cream cone was melting. She kept asking for a napkin, but I was afraid I’d lose you if I stopped to get her one. Then she saw you, too… along with all those other children.”

So, he
had
seen, seen how the children reacted to me, how those parents were instantly annoyed, even fearful. He must have heard everything, too, so why was he here?

“Here’s what else I know,” he went on. “I wasn’t the only one drawn to you. Everybody there was, but it was the kids who approached you. Those parents reacted because they sensed something extremely unusual about you, something they couldn’t understand. They saw their children acting strangely, so they naturally became protective. Shae’s emotional scars started healing only after she met you, and I also
know
that you agreed to help two strangers when most girls would have walked away. If anything, I’m the scary one, following you around and hounding you and your mother mercilessly.” He took my hand and held it in both of his. It felt so right. “She told me about your memory loss. She also told me that she and Steven have agreed not to pester you with questions. I’ll do the same.”