About Face (Wolf Within) (26 page)

“If you won’t eat, at least drink some wine.” Allerton nudged my wineglass closer, but I ignored it and him.

My wolf clamored for release. She wanted to roll in the heather, bite it, taste it, feel it beneath the pads of her paws.

“Excuse me,” I said abruptly and shoved back my heavy wooden chair.

Halfway down the stone corridor, I started to run and kept running until I was out the castle door, down the front stairs where Etain Feehery had watched Mick Shaughnessy stab Paddy, and past the gravel drive into the manicured gardens.

I stripped off my clothes as I ran. First my blouse, then my skirt. My bra and panties went next, and I was down to my shoes, which I kicked off contemptuously.

I remembered my bond pendant just before I fell to the ground and managed to put it near a clump of clover.

The shift boiled over me like an assault, and I gasped with the pain of it. My fingers stiffened, then curled, hair sprouted in my palms. My legs twitched and arms flailed. My spine gave a terrific crack as I arched up like a Halloween black cat and then, just as the agony was too much to bear and I thought I would rip apart, I blinked out to complete the change in the soundless, black dimension that only appeared to me midshift.

Tonight instead of blackness, the light was silver, and it glowed. It seemed I hesitated there a fraction longer than usual, enough to make my heart seize, and then I was back.

Four legged and furry now, I lifted my nose to the setting sun and let out a mournful howl. From somewhere in the distance behind me, perhaps the guardhouse, someone howled back in perfect, grief-stricken understanding.

Then I ran.

* * * *

This is grief. This is pain. This is feeling bad, so, so, bad it hurts me. I want the pain gone. My Alpha! Mine! And I was his! Now, gone, all gone. Run? Run for him. Run for all the dead ones that cannot come back.

Hate. This is hate. This is fury. This is wanting to tear apart the things that hurt me. That hurt him. I want the hate gone. Run? Run? Yes! Run faster than everything and it will all be gone.

* * * *

When I emerged, naked and in human form, from between the small copse of trees near the gray lake, I saw Allerton. He sat on the small patch of clover, patient, not the least bit concerned with grass stains on his Armani pants.

He’d gathered all my clothes, including my bond pendant, which he silently handed me when I approached. He stood back while I dressed. He did not stare, nor did he avert his eyes. I pulled on my clothes but didn’t rush. Let him get an eyeful. The moonlight illuminated the clearing almost as brightly as if it were day. What did he care? He’d seen me naked before, and we were both Pack.

He helped me fasten my bond pendant and plucked bits of grass and leaves from my tangled hair. Neither of us spoke.

When I was fully dressed, we set out for the castle. It loomed, ghostlike and huge, in the darkness. Some of the arched windows were lit, others dark and desolate.

“Which side are you on? I have to know.” He’d matched his stride to mine and didn’t falter at the bitter suspicion in my tone.

“The same side I’ve always been on,” he replied, and I wanted to tear his handsome face to shreds with my fingernails. “I am against the Great Pack revealing itself to the Others. Against it with all my will.”

I squeezed my eyes shut, and the bright moonlight disappeared. I used my other senses to guide my feet. Wind rustled in the trees to my right, whistled above the flat expanse of the gray lake behind me. The good, clean smells of grass, flowers, and night sky filled my lungs. The earth was firm beneath my bare feet. Everything seemed normal, but wasn’t, the cold dampness of the grass, the small puckers and indentations of the uneven ground, the steady beat of my pulse.

Jason put a considerate hand to my elbow. I wanted to shake him away, but I knew he wouldn’t leave my side, so I ignored him.

The same side as Paddy and his father before him. He was a Guardian. He was a part of it, and by extension, so was I.

“Which side is Etain Feehery on? Glenn Murphy?” I opened my eyes so I could see his handsome profile in the moonlight. He was calm, composed, but even so the thunder of his heart was loud as it pounded beneath the expensive linen of his Italian dress shirt.

“You don’t know, do you?” I guessed. My resentment and fear were huge inside me. My own heartbeat drowned his out. “Someone had to have given you those photographs. That person must be on Declan Byrne and Mick Shaughnessy’s side.”

“Must they?” Jason’s tone was neutral, but his fingers on my arm tightened.

“Oh, Jesus,” I said. My head hurt. My heart hurt.
Everything
hurt.

“I found the folder underneath my jacket in the scrub room. Anyone could have put it there.”

“So you really don’t know? Murphy’s
father
could have helped plan Sorcha’s murder? Are you sure?”

“I’m sure of nothing,” he ground out. “Except where I stand. Against revealing the Great Pack, but I do not and never will condone murder.”

Even though I was relieved to hear him say that, I still didn’t believe he was telling me everything he knew. Why did he always leave something out? Didn’t he trust me? “You must have an idea!”

“The Guardians in favor of killing to get their way are not in the habit of advertising their fanaticism. Do you really suppose any of them have ever approached me to confess they’ve helped murder members of the Pack?” He turned his head so he could look me in the eye. His face was the perfect diplomat’s face. It made me want to trust him. Vote him into office. Help him save the fucking world.

“All I know is both Etain Feehery and Glenn Murphy believe the same things I do. They’re Guardians. We’re supposedly on the same side.”

There went my theory that Glenn Murphy was Pack First. In a way, things were now worse.

“At least one of them helped Declan and Grandfather Mick murder Paddy. Helped murder Sorcha.”

“It seems likely but not necessarily true. Byrne and Shaughnessy could have acted together on both schemes without the help of a Councilor.”

“Then who took the pictures, and how did they know to take them?” I demanded.

“You want everything given to you in a neat package, Stanzie, and I can’t give you that.”

“There’s the Advisor, too. Ryan. Ryan Kelly. He could be in on it. Couldn’t he?”

“Absolutely,” agreed Allerton. “We could be dealing with a Guardian who believes in murder to weaken the Pack First agenda or one who doesn’t and made a deliberate sacrifice of two who did.”

I stopped in my tracks, and he halted, too.

“Just toss Declan and Grandfather Mick away like garbage? Killing an Alpha? A Councilor who was a Guardian? How is that not murder, too?”

Jason shook his head somberly. “Maybe no one was supposed to die and things went horribly wrong. Maybe they thought Paddy would kill Shaughnessy instead of the other way around. I don’t know.”

“Was Paddy the real target, or were you?” I felt tears prick my eyes but wouldn’t let them fall.

“I don’t know.”

“Don’t tell me you don’t know. You don’t seem to know anything! How can you know so much and yet not know anything about this? How am I supposed to take your word for it after all the shit you’ve led me to believe? I want answers, Jason. Real ones. True ones. Not this amorphous bullshit you’re trying to hand me tonight. My Alpha is dead. Dead. And somebody has to pay for that!”

“Somebody will. Mick Shaughnessy already has and, thanks to you, Declan Byrne is not far behind.”

“But the real power behind it will get away. We’ve got to bring down Etain Feehery or Glenn Murphy.”

“In time, if either or both of them merit it, we will,” Jason assured me.

“Time,” I spat. The word tasted foul in my mouth. “Why not now? Why not at Declan’s tribunal?”

“The tribunal is convened against Declan Byrne. And both those Councilors will serve upon it. I will as well.”

“How can you possibly serve? You were the one Shaughnessy attacked. You wouldn’t serve on my tribunal. Kathy Manning couldn’t serve on mine because I acted in her name, so how is it fair that you could serve on the tribunal which accuses a man of conspiring to assassinate you?”

“Because the other serving members do not object. Because I have not recused myself from the panel. Because this is Guardian business and needs to be handled delicately.” Jason faced me in the moonlight. A cloud obscured the moon, and for a moment his face became indistinct and shadowed, and then the cloud passed, and he was revealed again.

“This isn’t a real tribunal, is it? It’s some sort of fucking kangaroo court because you’re all scared to death to let this get out.” My mind reeled. I wanted the bastard condemned, but this seemed underhanded.

“Stanzie, we judge by the evidence and facts presented. Those photographs have nailed his coffin shut.”

“You can’t prove he’s part of the underground movement in the Guardians unless he admits it. Not unless the one behind him comes forward.”

“Which isn’t likely to happen. But we’re not trying him on conspiracy charges. The assassination attempt on me and the murder of an Alpha are enough to sentence him to death.”

“But the whole reason for the attempt is the conspiracy,” I whispered.

“Not exactly true.” Ah, here it came. Another admission. One more lie of omission. How could I trust this man if he never told the basic facts?

Jason’s blue eyes were wide in the moonlight as he faced me. “My former bond mate was Mick Shaughnessy’s granddaughter. He’s never forgiven me for taking her from Mac Tire and her family. For her going insane after our baby was stillborn. Declan Byrne was his great-nephew.”

He waited for me to respond as I explored all the possibilities. The twisted family ties in this damn pack. Declan Byrne and Etain Feehery were cousins. Wouldn’t it make perfect sense for them to use Jason in their plot to murder Paddy because he wouldn’t stay join in with them or stay silent forever about his suspicions? That would work if Etain Feehery did believe in murder to further the Guardians’s agenda.

I couldn’t forget that Etain was Jason’s first bond mate’s twin sister. That made her Mick’s great granddaughter. He was blood family. Had she been in league with him and once his complicity in Sorcha’s death had surfaced? What if she wasn’t part of the murderous movement within the Guardians? What if she’d merely tried to help her great grandfather by getting him money through Paddy? Maybe she wasn’t a part of his treachery but because he was family she’d tried to secretly support him?

Was Etain rich? She’d dressed as if she had money and Grandfather Mick had gone through the money Paddy gave him almost as fast as he got it. Because he was used to having unlimited funds and had never lived on a budget?

“You inherited all your money from your former bond mate, didn’t you?” My voice shook, and I struggled to control it.

A flash of his teeth in the moonlight. “What does that have to do with anything?”

A beat of silence.

“Is that why you thought I stayed bonded with her? For money?” He looked wounded, or maybe it was a trick of the moonlight. “Stanzie, I loved her.”

“It didn’t stop you from having a parade of mistresses. I also know you have history with Etain Feehery. I know she was your bond mate’s twin,” I said, but I was thrown. Why did the idea of his loving his dead bond mate surprise me so much? Why did I always believe whatever I was told?

“I’m not going to discuss my reasons for the women I’ve known over the years. It is truly none of your business and not germane to the situation at hand.”

“Of course not,” I said. “Anytime we ever get close to your personal life, your true feelings, you erect a wall a hundred feet high and hide behind it. But I’m supposed to trust you with my life and I’m supposed to do what you ask me to do simply because you ask me to do it. That’s not good enough anymore. I thought you were a great and powerful man. And you are. You’ve helped me more than once, but does that make me your slave? Do I have to pay off the debt of your gracious charity?

“You’re asking me to be your dog, Jason. Am I supposed to be okay with it because you don’t ask me to lick your boots?”

“I was lonely,” he said and the vulnerability in his expression hit me hard until I couldn’t seem to draw a deep breath. “All I ever had after Erin went insane was my position on the Regional and then the Great Council. I dedicated my life to the Great Pack and to upholding justice and honor, but it’s hard to sleep at night with justice and honor as bedmates. And it was never simply for carnal pleasure. Every woman I ever associated with was intelligent and sensitive and just for a little while my best friend.

“People in my position have many allies, but damn few friends. Every mistress was my friend first, and quite a few of them, most of them, are still. And there weren’t as many as you obviously think. I can count all of them on both hands with fingers to spare. What have I left out? Do you want all their names? Testimonials from them? Will that make you happy? Tell me what you want of me, Stanzie, and I’ll get it for you. Maybe then you’ll stop looking at me as if I were a traitor. I’m not the enemy. I understand you’re angry and you want answers, but I’ve given you all that I can.

“What will it take for you to believe that I don’t know whether Etain Feehery or Glenn Murphy had a hand in this or not? Do you think this is easy for me? I was once very fond of Etain Feehery, she was my bond mate’s twin, and the thought of her being a possible accessory to murder sickens me. Do you know how much it will take out of me to bring her down? I will if she deserves it, but you think I’m a bottomless well of resources, and I’m not. I’m just as weak as everybody else. Maybe more so because I have to be a Councilor every minute or people get upset.

“I can’t be anything but a Councilor to you because that’s what you want of me, what you expect of me. That’s one of the things I treasure most about your mother. She doesn’t look at me and see Councilor Jason Allerton. She sees the man, not the image. I’ve tried to show you the man, but you won’t see. So if I seem distant and reluctant to share my personal life with you, maybe now you can understand why.” He stared at me for a moment and then hung his head, as if in shame.