Abruption (27 page)

“I see you, doll. I’ve kept my rage bottled up for so long it made me unrecognizable. Yet you can see me. You are the only one, Jules, that can really see me, the old me. And now I see you, all of you.”

A
s the words fell from her lips and she retold her horrendous tragedy, I held her tighter. If I could have climbed inside to take away her pain I would have. She relived those heartbreaking moments when she found her baby not breathing. I listened to her blame herself for something that was no one’s fault. SIDS has no cause. No symptoms, not a single warning sign. Just a wake of complete and utter devastation. There was not a single word I could offer to console her. Nothing that would soothe the never-ending ache. Nothing that would bring back Gemma.

“I’m so sorry I kept this from you. I just couldn’t. I’m broken, Guy. So very, very broken.”

I cupped her cheeks and stared into her molten caramels. “Baby. I’m here. Oh, Jules. Do you have any idea what it feels like to know that you trusted me enough to share this with me? Please, let me give you what you’ve given me. You’ve become my rock. Let me become yours. Let me make you happy. Let me help you heal.”

She sunk into my side, and the quiet encircled us before I asked the question that still stung my gut. “Where does this leave you and Lucca? You may think of him platonically—best friends, big brother, cousin, whatever. But how does he think of you?”

“I want you to get to know him and see for yourself how he treats me. We are family in every sense of the word. That night, way back in the Catskills, confirmed it. He’s the one who pulled away first—told me it felt weird, like he was kissing his sister. We should have listened to our instincts and stopped right then because it
was
weird. Really awkward, actually, because deep down, I felt the same way. But somehow in my teenage drunken stupor I convinced myself
and
Lucca that it was fine, we were just having some fun.” She shook her head a little as if to erase the memory. “You’ve only had a chance to meet overprotective Lucca. And I’m sure he could come off as jealous. I’m to blame for that. I never told him about us, how I felt about you, Max, and Finn. He knows now. And I think in a way he’s relieved that he no longer needs to feel responsible for me, not that he ever should have. But Lucca always wanted me to find happiness again, and now he can see that I have. I’m living again, I’m laughing again, and it’s only because of you. What I was missing was the last bit of strength I needed to share Gemma with you and Lucca gave me that. Now, I can only hope that one day he will find something as real, something as wonderful as I have with you.” She paused and grabbed my hand before continuing.

“Remember when you asked me, ‘
are you sure, Jules
?’ And I told you I was scared. Well, that’s still the truth. I’m petrified. But you—Max and Finn too—truly make me happier than I’ve been in years. I’m not sure my heart will ever completely heal, though. I’m not sure I even want it to. But you’ve made me realize that in a world of unfair it doesn’t have to mean resignation. There has to be some form of acceptance. It means understanding what you’ve been dealt, is what it is. And the only way to get through it is to fight harder. Fight longer. Fight together. I want to be a part of your lives. If you’ll have me ... this is me saying yes.”

I roamed her beautiful face, wiping away some of her tears, and said, “I love that you think you really had a choice. You’ve already been ours.”
You will forever be ours.
Her lips spread and a semblance of a smile danced across her cheeks as I watched a seven-year-old weight shift off her shoulders just slightly. I believed her. I understood what she was telling me. I understood how Lucca fit into her life. Didn’t mean I wouldn’t add matchmaker to my to-do list.
Meg, Jill, hell, even the chubby chick from the OR … Italian men liked a little meat, right?

“Can I ask you something now?” she whispered.

“Of course. But I’m not sure I have anything left to tell.”

“What did you mean when you said ‘regardless of what you had to give up’ to move to New York for Brittany?”

“Doll, none of that even matters, at this point. That ship sailed long ago and I wouldn’t trade my life with my kids for anything.”

“It matters to me.”

“The day Britt told me she was pregnant with Finn I’d gotten my acceptance to Stanford for a vascular fellowship. That was always the plan, or at least
my
plan. I never envisioned staying on the East Coast, and I certainly never considered general surgery as the end goal. Britt’s the one who insisted on moving to New York, totally pulling the rug out from under me. She’d never once mentioned that as a possibility. Hell, when we got together she listened to me go on and on about California and Stanford’s program, and she was all for it, couldn’t wait, wanted to follow me anywhere. Maybe if she would’ve been honest, I would’ve looked into closer programs—my girls were my world. Is it totally messed up that part of me is relieved she got what she wanted so I don’t have to carry the guilt of her dying somewhere she never wanted to be?”

“It’s not messed up at all. It’s natural to feel that way. Maybe it’s hard to understand her reasoning because your dreams were set, but Brittany was twenty-four and in love and probably hadn’t figured hers out yet. Promise me something,” she said.

“Anything.” I’d give this woman the world on a silver platter if I could erase some of her hurt. I knew it was impossible, but I hoped in the future I’d be the one she’d lean on during the bad days, the sad days, the days that were unbearable. The days that getting out of bed was a feat in itself.

“Let go of this bitterness you’re harboring and find it somewhere in here”—she placed her open palm against my chest, and my heart raced—“to forgive. Brittany was so young and naive and made poor life choices, probably because she was terrified and had an equally poor role model. You said yourself that she was riddled with guilt after Finn was born. We both know there are no guarantees, even if she was compliant with her treatment, the outcome may have been the same. You’ll never know. Just like I’ll never know why my healthy baby girl never woke up from her nap in her pram stroller. Brittany gave you two precious lives. So love her for that. I was never
in love
with Lucca, but I’ll never stop loving him for giving me Gemma. Even as much as it hurts, without them we would have never known our greatest blessings.”

“Daddy, yay! You’re just in time!” Max shouted as I stepped through the door Sunday evening. Unfortunately, I had gotten called in for a ruptured appendix earlier in the day and it took a lot longer than I had hoped sans Bryce.

Bonus was it gave my mom, who took the red eye in this morning, and Jules some time to hang and chat and do whatever women do during a first meet and greet. And it seemed they hit it off, so much so they tag-teamed dinner, Jules making her Mama CeCe’s gravy, while my mother breaded and
baked
the eggplant.

Jules may have even teased Reina, imitating CeCe’s accent, saying, “Eggplant is-a grown to be fried.”

It wasn’t me slaving away in the kitchen, and from the looks of my peanuts’ light red-stained cheeks it must have been delicious. I couldn’t wait to try some.

“For what?” I asked, kicking off my shoes and hanging up my coat.

“Nana’s down dog.”

Confusion must have spread across my face because Reina jumped to interpret with, “We learned some yoga while you were gone this afternoon. And downward facing dog is the name of one of the poses.” For as many years as my mother taught yoga, I still had no clue what any of it meant.

“Well, by all means, let’s get this show on the road.”

“JuJu is learning too, Daddy.” Max bounced up and down, excitedly moving Jules into position. I scooted the coffee table, making some more room, and took a seat on the couch next to my little man who was grinning from ear to ear.

“You good, buddy?” I whispered, squishing him into my side and kissing his temple. He nodded, his grin widening even more.

My mother stood off to the side and instructed, “Mountain pose.” Max’s arms shot straight up over her head; I’d never seen her stand so still. “Okay, let’s touch our hands to the floor in the forward bend. Perfect. Now walk your hands forward into downward facing dog.”

I chuckled, picking up on Max’s cute shortened version. “Nana’s down dog, I get it. Except isn’t this a move Casey should learn?” I teased.

Max stared seriously at me from between her legs for several beats before breaking out into a smile. “Casey’s a dog, he can’t do yoga, Daddy.”

Finn giggled and added, “That’s silly.”

I looked over at the yoga rookie, thinking if downward facing dog wasn’t a pose made for Casey, it was definitely invented for Jules. Yoga rookie, my ass. She didn’t miss my facial expressions, and even hanging upside down, I couldn’t miss hers either. Her eye roll turned to a steel dagger (I’d take this eye roll and dagger any day if it meant I’d never have to see her face full of pain ever again) led me to believe that she thought I shouldn’t be appreciating her tight ass and long legs the way I was with my mother and children in the room. I begged to differ—they couldn’t read my mind.