Abruption (29 page)

“Yesterday, Guy and I had a chance to catch up before I boarded, and I want you to know you’re in my prayers. I am so sorry for your loss, Jules. A parent should never have to experience the pain of losing a child.”

I wasn’t prepared for her condolences and my expression must have shown it. Other than yesterday with Guy, I’d never spoken about my daughter. Everyone just knew. Nothing more needed to be said.

“Please don’t feel like he betrayed your confidence. He was looking for some guidance. He’s devastated and completely heartbroken for you, Jules.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat and told her the truth. “I’m not mad at him for telling you. Not at all. A little surprised, I guess. This might sound strange, but I’ve always shied away from talking about my Gemma. Not because I want to forget, God no. Never. But part of me feels like I’ve lost so much of her, I just can’t bear to share the little I have left. Some days I feel like my memories are the only thing holding my heart together. I know it sounds crazy.”

“There is nothing crazy about grief and sadness. We do what we have to do to make it through the day. That may never change, sweetie, and that’s okay. More than okay. But one day you may find that speaking about Gemma might bring your memories to life. You’ll feel her presence, and the sadness will become infinitesimally less. I’d love to get to know your little girl when you’re ready.” She picked up the small black box that sat between us. “Here, I want you to open this.”

Releasing the sheer pink bow, I lifted the lid to find a thin gold-finished bangle with a small round charm. The outline of a tree and its roots was perfectly engraved on one side. The inscription on the other side read,
Tree of Life
.

“This is beautiful, Reina. Thank you.” I slipped the bracelet onto my wrist.

“Your life is like this tree, deeply rooted, with a solid foundation and countless branches linking your past throes with future dreams. Every tree faces inevitable storms and strong winds testing the strength of its roots. Branches break; new ones grow. It will flower and leaves will fall. And from your tree new life will emerge. In the end, though, with purpose and perseverance your tree will prevail, and each will be beautifully individual and uniquely different. A full circle of such.”

I stared down at the bracelet, my eyes filling with tears, while I absorbed and processed the meaning behind her
beautifully poignant
words.

She reached across the table and squeezed my hand. “Jules, my darling girl, you have an understanding for life that most people never achieve. Through devastation, through heartache, through loss you have seen the darkest depths, and yet you have emerged with a compassion, a beauty, an awareness of what it means to love and be loved. Beautiful people don’t just exist, they are made.”

Finn began squirming in my arms, pulling me back to the present. “No bath,” he yelled. “No bath, Nana!”

Reina was sitting at the edge of the tub, testing the water, when Finn and I stopped at the bathroom door. Max was already stripped down and lowering herself into the water. Reina stretched out her arms for him to come. “It will relax all your muscles, Finny, and you’ll feel so good after.”

“Nana, my bath toys are in there,” Max obliviously interrupted as only children can, pointing to the cabinet under the sink. Reina opened it, and sure enough, there was a plethora of boats and ducks, foam letters and watering cans. “And I like this shampoo.” She held up the familiar clear bottle filled with the light yellow liquid. “Maya says my hair smells yummy. Daddy lets me wash my own body sometimes. Daddy says I am a big girl.”

“Daddy says I’m a big boy.” Finn offered up, clearly not wanting to miss out on the
Daddy says
parade.

“Big boys have to get clean too,” I said, giving his side a little tickle. “So let’s get you undressed so you can join Max with all those fun toys.”

Max watered her head as we spoke.

“No. I stand like Daddy.”

“Stand in the tub? That’s not safe, silly boy.” Reina dismissed his plea.

“No! Like Daddy.” Finn was adamant. “In Daddy’s bafroom.”

“Ahhh, you want to take a shower like Daddy does,” I said, proud of myself for deciphering toddler talk. Finn nodded fervently with a smile reaching his eyes. Reina looked puzzled, but I gave her a little shrug to say
why not
. “How about we ask Daddy?”

Finn and I galloped back out to the living room (gotta love the horse trot), and I momentarily froze. Guy’s bare feet were crossed at the ankle and propped up on his coffee table. Both arms were stretched up with his palms cradling his head. His hair was sticking up all over the place in this sexy messed way that could alone drive me wild. But it was the way his T-shirt slid up and his jeans dipped down, exposing his lower chiseled abs, that had me squirming on the inside. God, I missed him. I missed that place—the escape—only he could bring me to. I wanted to feel him. I wanted his arms wrapped around me. I yearned for that warmth.

“Hey.” His eyes snapped open, and he said in a tired, raspy voice, “Everything okay?”

“Sorry, were you asleep? You looked so … relaxed.” That wasn’t exactly the word I was thinking, and unfortunately, the heat in my face gave me away.

He scanned down at his body before meeting my eyes with an amused smirk on his face. “Maybe I drifted off, but I’m wide awake now. Can I be of any service?” Ahh. Really? God, he knew exactly what to say to get me flustered. With his son on my hip, no less. Not that Finn had any idea his question held double meaning.

Ignoring my pink cheeks, I shifted Finn to my other side and addressed the matter at hand. “Finn would like to take a shower.”

“A shower, huh?” Guy stalled.

“Yes, you know that rectangular stall in the bathroom where water pours down on you?”

My sarcasm was met with another devilish smirk.

“Oh, I know it intimately.”

Bastard. That game would wait until later.

Finn raised his hands in victory and yelled, “ ‘hower!”

“Have you done a shower with him before?” I asked when I noticed Guy’s pensive look.

“Not yet ...” Guy stood up and took Finn from my arms, blowing a raspberry under his chin. “He’s a slippery little sucker.” Guy kept at it, making Finn giggle harder. “We’ve never had enough hands. Getting him in and out—I never wanted him to slip.” Guy went for his belly this time. And I began to laugh right along with them. It felt so good. I had never imagined a life where I could be happy enough to laugh.

I thought about Gemma and the first time we gave her a bath. I had never let my mind wander to these memories without feeling a burn so raw I’d be sick for days. But here, right now, I found myself smiling. Gemma’s big brown eyes went wide when I sat her naked little tush in the baby bathtub. Taking my time (that’s where I went wrong), I washed every little nook and cranny. Of course, I’d wanted to rid her of the yucky hospital germs. So what started off as a sweet photo-worthy moment as Lucca snapped away, quickly deteriorated with the rapid decrease in water temperature. Her little bottom was frozen and she had the lungs on her to prove it. I’d barked at Lucca to put the damn camera down and hold up the towel. Snuggling her tight to my chest, her screams slowed, and all that was left was a quivering lip. God, she’d smelled so delicious. A scent I’d never forget.

“Maybe JuJu can help us, bud, what do you think?” Guy let up on his tickle attack so Finn could answer.

“JuJu help. JuJu help.” Finn chanted between subsiding giggles.

“What d’ya say, doll?” He raised a brow in my direction.

Even though my smile stretched as wide as Finn’s, my eyes welled.

Of course I say yes.

My emotions were all over the place.

Guy leaned down and kissed my smiling mouth. “It’s just a shower, beautiful.” He thumbed a loose tear that somehow got away. No, it wasn’t. He knew it. I knew it. This was so much more. This was an intimate moment between a father and son. No, it was even more than that. This was an intimate moment that he would have shared with his wife. And now he was choosing me to be a part. After everything, he knew how much this would mean to me.

“JuJu, you’re sad?” Finn asked out of nowhere, leaning in my direction to get a closer look at my face. So much for swallowing my reaction this time. Kids and that uncanny ability to read people, it was always so unbelievable how perceptive they were.

“I’m not sad, silly.” I gave Finn my own tickle. “Lead the way, stinky face.”

“Thank you.” Guy kissed my lips again and grabbed my hand with his free one.

“Dada’s shower,” Finn cheered.

“Listen, bud, we aren’t going to be able to do this all the time, okay?” Guy plopped Finn on his bed, stepping back to fist his grey T-shirt over his head. I went to work on undressing Finn, loosening and removing his sneakers.

“I help, JuJu.”

“Okay, go for it, handsome.”

Finn un-Velcroed his tiny braces and pushed down his high socks. I pulled them off from the toe and he grinned. Then he reached over his head to grab the back of his light blue thermal, mimicking Guy. So freaking adorable. Rustling a bit with the collar, he finally got it far enough to get stuck on his head.

“You in there?” I peeked through the small hole of his shirt.

Finn’s baby blues got huge and he said, “I stuck.” Freeing his towhead, I tugged on his sweatpant leg holes, making him tip backwards onto Guy’s fluffy, navy comforter. He giggled and said, “Again. Again.”

Oblivious to us, Guy tooled around his bedroom doing whatever. Drawers opened and closed, pockets were emptied, and devices were plugged in, all the while rambling nonsense about not making a habit of showering.
Yeah, good luck with saying no to these dimples
. Then he walked his very shirtless self into the bathroom, and we heard the water turn on, drowning his voice away.

“Sounds like Daddy got in. Let’s go potty first.” I carried Finn to the toilet and slipped down his
Powya Ranger
undies. Guy’s jeans and boxers were in a crumpled pile on the floor, and he was already in the shower washing his hair—like no big deal.

God, I loved this man.

He finished rinsing and wiped his face. “Ready, buddy?” he asked, running his hand over the glass door to get rid of some of the steam. “Shower time, big boy.” He opened the door and held out his arms. Again, like no big deal. Like he wasn’t completely naked in front of me for no other reason than to grab his son and get him washed up. Casually naked. I was pretty sure I could say for certain I’d never done casual naked.

I slid Finn’s glasses off and he lunged for Guy. He instantly began to fidget in Guy’s wet arms, repeating, “Stand, Daddy, stand.”

“Wow, no wiggling, bud. Daddy doesn’t want to drop you.”

I tossed a few towels down on the floor outside of the shower because there was no way water wasn’t going to be everywhere. I pushed up my sleeves and knelt down on the tile. “Here, let me help. I’ll stick my arms in. Finny, you can stand, and then Daddy has two hands to get this stinky body clean.” Guy lowered him, and I came face-to-face with one happy boy.

“See, bud, this is why we chose JuJu. She’s full of good ideas and white garments.”

I shook my head, glancing down at my thin gauzy V-neck
garment
already showing the outlines of my bra from the splashes of water. Leave it to a naked Guy to make a completely clothed me blush yet again.

“My eyes,” Finn cried, redirecting Guy’s attention from my cheeks, my shirt, down my V, and wherever else he shouldn’t be looking.

“Keep them closed while I suds up your hair, okay, buddy?”

Finn nodded, squeezing his lids closed. Guy massaged shampoo into Finn’s little scalp, consciously keeping the suds from dripping into his eyes. I kept my hands on Finn’s hips to keep him balanced, while Guy gently tipped his head back into the stream of water. Even through his tightly scrunched face, Finn’s dimples were still noticeable. He was loving this. We went through the same routine with conditioner, which I learned a few Fridays back (the hard way), was
not
an optional step if you wanted to put a comb through curls. Whoops.

I readjusted myself on the floor to get a better grip on him and warned, “Here comes the slippery part.”

“I not falling, JuJu.”

“Of course you’re not. I’m holding on so I don’t fall in.”

Finn contemplated my reverse psychology babble for half a second before his dimples reappeared.

Guy loaded the washcloth with body wash and lathered every single inch of Finn’s creamy skin. This snapshot in front of me of Guy’s towering muscular frame handling his tiny mini-me with the utmost care, smelling like the scent I’d never forget, was enough to melt my heart and bring tears back to my eyes.

“JuJu, you wet.” Finn giggled and touched my drenched arms.

“Our JuJu is a good sport, Finn. We’re some lucky dudes, bud. JuJu puts up with us.”

I looked up. I shouldn’t have. Because my God, the way he was staring at me left me defenseless. Hiding was impossible. His penetrating blue orbs were unavoidable. I shook my head a little, as if to escape his quest. It didn’t work. The lump in my throat swelled enough that it was impossible to hold back my rapidly filling eyes. Happy tears. Sad tears. I wasn’t sure. I could only hope they posed as water droplets rolling down my cheeks. As full as this beautiful moment made my heart, my heartache was there. It would always be there. I knew this time I was okay, though. I was better than okay.