Acts of Desperation (17 page)

During my first week back at work, I ate my lunches in the coffee shop on the first floor just like I used to do. One day, as I sat picking away at my salad trying to coax myself into eating, I saw Jax walk in through the doors. He’d just come from court, judging by his suit, and came to a standstill in front of the elevator. My chest had a constant ache, and each time I saw him it grew a little more intense. It was then that I called myself an idiot again. I should have never gotten involved with someone I worked with. I knew better. Now, I was going to have to see him every day and deal with the exact thing I’d spent my life trying to avoid. But damn it, my heart wanted him.

This morning, as our eyes locked on each other, I hoped for a magical switch to flip and for him to realize his mistake, but instead he gave me a sad smile that
squeezed my heart. He boarded the elevator, and as the doors closed, all hope died. I looked back down to my wilting lettuce, fighting tears.

A few similar scenes played themselves out over the next couple of weeks. Once in front of a couple colleagues where we exchanged hellos, once on a packed elevator ride where we stayed in our own corners just looking at each
other, and another quick one in passing while I was making copies. I repeated them all in my mind about a million times. I could have just run up to him, on any of the occasions, and told him I was a fool and put an end to it. But, in each instance, I couldn’t make myself to do it.

It became my routine to spend
about an hour every day staring out my office window drowning in my sorrow. We’d officially settled comfortably into spring and were enjoying a nice long run of sunny eighty degree days as summer approached. I watched couples in the streets below holding hands, carefree, and laughing as a warm breeze blew, yet I sat in my tower, consumed with sadness and resentment. Eventually, I’d shut my blinds and turn back to the blinking curser on my computer screen.

When I heard Jax’s laughter out in the hallway one day when I was deep in my misery, it was like someone was driving a dagger straight into my heart. How could he even gather up enough happiness to crack a smile, let alone laugh, when it took every effort I had to just breathe? I looked at my closed door wishing for him to go away, to stop torturing me. Then
, there was a knock at my door.

“Hey, got a second for an old friend?” Jax said, leaning in. A snapshot of the first time he’d poked his head into my office flashed in my mind. How I was so taken by him then: his lo
oks, his clothes, his stature. But, he looked different now. Now, he was my physical embodiment of pain.

I put my shaky hands in my lap and took a deep b
reath to slow my heart. “Sure. What can I do for you?”

He walked in and shut the door behind him then leaned against a chair opposite my desk. “How are you?” he asked.

An innocent enough question, but in one of the many lessons my mom gave me on dealing with men, she said if they hurt you, never let them know how much. So I pretended everything was fine. “Alright,” I said, faking a genuine smile. “You?” I asked, thinking he looked tired.

“Good,” he said, but his smile didn’t seem g
enuine either. “I was wondering, would you want to join me in court for your sister’s hearing next week? It’ll be good experience for you, and I’m sure your sister would like to have you there.”

“Oh,
I’d really like that actually. Thanks.”

“Great.” He ran his hand through his hair—one of
the signature things he did. Being a lawyer makes you very good at reading people’s body language. Running his hand through his hair was his tell—he only did it when he was nervous. “Come by my office later so we can go over some of the details. It’s one of the more complicated cases I’ve dealt with.”

“Um ok…sure. I’ll be by when I finish up here.” My heart pounded. I knew
it had to be his excuse to get us close. He couldn’t take us being apart either.

He nodded. “Good.” He turned to leave
, but when he reached for the doorknob, he stopped. “I…” I held my breath waiting for him to confess his secret—he was miserable without me. It was coming, and I braced myself. “I-I’ll see you soon then.”

I exhaled and slumped back in my chair. “Ok.” I smiled and watched him walk out the door.

****

I
gave myself a final once-over then walked down the hall to his open door. I stood outside and listened for talking but heard nothing. I knocked and leaned in. “Is now a good time?” I asked.

Jax looked up and smiled. “Yeah, come in.” I swear
his smile could be used as a lethal weapon. He walked over and met me just inside his door then shut it. “Here, let me pull this over so you can see the sheets I’m working on.”

He dragged a chair next to his oversized desk, and I sat down. This was where he was going to do it—I knew he’d
confess his despair any second. He rolled up his sleeves, I assume so it looked like we were going to get down to business, and I casually played along pretending to be interested in what he was showing me. He moved about, shuffling papers and with each gesture, I caught hints of his shampoo mixed with his sweat. I’d had that scent linger on my skin so many times that it was branded into my brain. This was the closest we’d been in over two weeks and to not touch him was almost too much to bear.

He continued on, noting some of the errors in Sarah’s original financial forms as well as some
discrepancies in Anders’s tax documents. I looked down and followed along, nodding my head at the appropriate times, but I may as well have been staring at a blank page. I cared about my sister’s case, but who was I kidding, I was there for one reason, and I was getting impatient. As his voice drummed on, a lump slowly rose in my throat. Why was he doing this to me? Then the possible reality dawned on me, could he really want to
just
talk about the case?

I lasted a few more moments until I couldn’t take one more second and cut
him off mid-sentence. “You know what? I don’t think I can do this,” I said. “I’m sorry, but I can’t sit here next to you and pretend everything’s fine.” I pushed my chair back.

He reached out and put his hand on my knee. “Sember wait.”

“Wait for what?” I asked. “You really wanted to just talk about the case, didn’t you?”

“No, I…” He took his hand off my knee and sat still for a second before reaching up and tucking my hair behind my ear.
He grazed the scar on my forehead before focusing his eyes on my lips. My heart raced. I wanted to beg him to kiss me, but then he dropped his gaze to his lap. “I’m sorry. It was stupid,” he said. “I thought we could…that I could…”

I was stunned. He wasn’t going to do it. I couldn’t understand why he’d
want to continue on like this. We were both obviously unhappy. “Fine!” I blurted. “I’ll do it. I’ll move in with you. If that’s what you want.”

He shook his head. “No.” He sighed. “I can’t let you do that.”

“What? You’re kidding. I’ll give you what you want. I give up. You win.”

He rubbe
d his eyes. “This isn’t a game. It’s not something I want to win.”

“It certainly feels like it.
I can’t count how many long looks and sad smiles you’ve given me. Then you invite me in here, the first time that we’ve even really spoken to each other in weeks, and you want to talk about my sister’s financial records? That’s it! That’s what you really want me to believe this is?”

“No, you’re right. It was an excuse.
I wanted to be close to you again. I don’t know what I expected.” He leaned back in his chair and stared at the ceiling. “I’m screwed up.”

“I think you’re right because I can’t understand why you’re doing this. We love each other. This is so stupid.”

He sat silently, collecting his thoughts, and I waited for his grand revelation. “I know what you went through was incredibly intense, and I can only imagine what it was like for you, but I know
what it was like for me when I got all those pictures of you, and how I felt when he threatened your life. Dylan stole something from me, and I’m not sure I can even articulate what it was or how to even get it back. I think I might just need some time to sort this out.”

“Time, that’s what
you
need. Time. Funny, sounds like the same thing I asked you for,” I said through a laugh. “I can’t believe you don’t see the irony in all of this.”

“What?” he said, furrowing his brow.

“Dylan took me to keep me from you, and FYI, he did plan on killing me. He thought you had no right to go on living a happy life. Then a miracle happened and you got me back—alive. And he freaking died—he’s dead! Yet he’s still accomplishing his goal from the grave. You’re not happy and you don’t have me. You’re letting him win you idiot.” I got up and walked to the door but stopped myself midway. “You know, I could have let the situation with John…and Dylan, affect me in much different ways. I could have chosen to look at the world differently and let those two people steal my sense of security, but I made a conscious decision not to. They were two screwed up people and sometimes bad things happen to good people. That’s how I’m looking at it.” I reached for the doorknob and with my back to him, I said, “I’d still like to be there in court for my sister, if you were really serious about that. She could use an extra person at her side.”

“Of course,” he said as I opened the door. “I do still love you,
baby,” he whispered as I was walking out.

His words cut through whatever remaining armor I had left and tears
filled my eyes. I looked over my shoulder. “Just stay away from me for a while, ok? I’ll see you in court next week,” I said through a shaky breath and left.

I met up with Jax and Sarah outside the courtroom. I avoided assessing Jax’s appearance because I knew he would look fantastic, and I’m a sucker for a guy in a nice suit. What good would it have done me? Sarah, however, looked innocent and pure from her simple black pants to her white shirt with eyelet embroidered stitching. Her makeup was simply done and her hair was pulled back up at her temples, making her girlishness shine. She let it dry naturally so she had thick layers of cascading waves. Looking at her I wanted to scream that Anders had put her in this situation again.

“Morning,” I said and smiled. The last time I’d spoken with Jax was in his office that day. For the time being, I was finished with all of it—men, relationships; I was fin-ished. Work and Sarah’s divorce were keeping me plenty busy and, for now, that was enough.

“Morning,” he answered.

“So you ready,” I asked Sarah.

“As I’ll ever be,” she said.

I looked around the waiting area and saw a slimmed down Anders sitting by himself reviewing his notes. He had on classic tan slacks and a white polo button-up—no tie. His hair was held firmly in place as always. You know the saying that anyone who represents themselves in court has a fool for an attorney? Well, I had a feeling that the rule didn’t apply to Anders. I had no doubt that he’d been studying his financial records and working with his accountant to figure out any and every legal loophole he could get away with to limit the amount of money he’d have to pay to Sarah.

Jax took a few moments privately with Sarah to review the things he was going to cover in the courtroom, so I took a seat on a bench in the waiting area. I stared over at Anders almost in awe. It was amazing that one person could cause so much turmoil; he’d so carelessly destroyed three lives.
Still, I was having a problem swallowing it all myself. I could only imagine how Sarah felt every day.

Anders had a folder open in his lap, highlighting something then he reached up to wipe some sweat dripping down on his brow. I thought briefly that it might be the sweat of a nervous man, but re
alistically, given how he’d been conducting himself, he was probably just hung-over.

Well, nervous or hung-over, I hoped it would affect his performance in the courtroom. 

I reached in my purse and grabbed my phone to check in on some emails and hadn’t noticed Anders gathering up his things and walking toward me.

“Hey Sember, good to see you,” he said and sat down next to me.

Without a moment’s thought, I said, “Um…no,” and started to put my things away. I had no plans on talking to him, let alone sitting next to him.

He gripped my arm. “I’m sorry about all this Sember. Really. I’m trying to make it better.”

Yeah, it looks like it
, I thought,
by dragging Sarah to court for the second time
.

It was bait, and he was dangling the carrot out in front of me to see if I’d bite. Instead, I silently looked down at his hand on my arm then up to his face. “Well,” he said and removed his hand. “Thanks for being here for Sarah today. I know she needs the extra support. She’s having a really hard time getting over me.”

That was it. I opened my mouth to speak, but then as if on cue, the judge rescued me and called us into the courtroom. Jax and Sarah finished their prep-talk, and we all walked in together and took our positions. Moments later we were sworn in, and the formality of court was underway.

This was the first time I’d actually had t
o observe Jax in the courtroom, and as I assumed, he looked dashing. I couldn’t
not
take notice. He had on his charcoal gray suit that I loved and a green tie that matched his eyes. In his opening remarks, I felt he was engaging, charismatic, and commanded attention. After Anders’s somewhat compelling yet contrived opening remarks, Sarah was called up to the stand. Jax questioned Sarah first, and I thought she did well despite being nervous. He went through a detailed list to explain the errors in Sarah’s original paperwork, touching on each issue. Anders cross-examined her and tried to catch her up on a few minute details, but she didn’t falter. She handled herself well against him.

When it was Anders’s turn to go up, he sauntered over to the stand like he was finally taking center stage. The judge and Anders shared a brief exchange about the distinctiveness of Anders’s name, and he took it as an opportunity to charm her, and, as far as I could tell, it worked when she laughed. Jax went through his line of questioning and systematically pecked away at Anders. Jax was direct when Anders was evasive. He was calm when Anders was combative. Anders tried to sell the court on his suffering business, citing a complete list of woes, but Jax worked to discredit his claims and pushed the contradictory elements of his tax statements as evidence.

When it was Anders’s turn, I hated to admit it, but he was also very good. He didn’t outright lie but bent the truth with subtle manipulations of the facts. He walked an extremely fine legal line, but what really stunk was that he was convincing. Midway through his spiel, my hopes for him failing due to nerves or ailments vanished. We were in court for just under two hours when everything finally wrapped up.

Jax, Sarah, and I gathered outside of the courtroom and waited until Anders left before rehashing events.

“Ok, so now we wait,” Jax said.

“How do you think it went?” Sarah asked.

“It went well,” he said. “There were times when I thought the judge was bored with me but then other times she seemed interested. Unfortunately, I’ve been in this situation plenty of times and you just can’t predict how they’ll rule. I’ve been surprised on both ends of the spectrum. We might hear something by the end of the week. Try not to worry though, you did well.”

Sarah exhaled and smiled. “Thanks.”

“I’ll give you a call when the ruling comes in, and we can go over it in my office.” Sarah agreed then Jax looked at both of us, and a slightly awkward moment of silence passed. “Well, I’m going to head back to the office,” he said, reaching out to shake her hand. “Sember, you staying behind or do you want to walk back together?”

“I’m going
to hang out here a sec then I need to head upstairs for a conference,” I said.

“Sure.” He half smiled. “I’ll be in touch,” he said, nodding his head to Sarah and left.

When he was safely out of hearing range Sarah asked, “Geez, I think I could have cut the tension between you two with a knife. Do you actually have a conference upstairs?”

“No, but he doesn’t need to know that,” I said, shrugging my shoulders.

“Playing it kind of dirty sister,” she said.

“Well, until he figures
out his issues, there’s nothing else I can say or do. He’s being stupid.”

“Men do that. And they think we’re the crazy ones.” She laughed
and rubbed my arm. “I’m sure he’ll come around.”

“I guess we’ll see.” I shrugged my shoulders.

“So how do
you think it went in there?”

“I think Jax did a good job,” I said, nodding my head. “But the judge seemed to like Anders too. His arguments were convincing, but hopefully she takes the time to review the actual facts. We just have to wait and see now.”

“All this waiting sucks, I want an answer now.” She sighed. “But, I know you have to get back so we should probably get going. I’m heading over to mom and dad’s to have some coffee and decompress until the kids are out of school.”

We walked together down the hallway to
the stairs and said our good-byes outside the revolving doors of the building.

****

The rest of my week ticked by, and I kept busy working on my cases. I’d been having my daily daydream staring out the window when Sarah called.

“Hey, Jax just called and said he pulled some strings. He found out a ruling is expected in by the end of the day,” she said.

“Wow! That was quick.”

“Is that good or bad?” she asked.

“Neither, if you’re looking for a hint about how she’s going to rule, but good in the sense that you don’t have to wait long, it’s only been a few days. When are you coming by?” I asked, opening up my calendar.

“After school today. Around four,” she said.

“Shoot. I have a meeting at three thirty, but I’ll try to have it wrapped up by the time you finish. Come by my office before you leave,” I said.

****

I sat with my clients anxiously staring at the clock knowing Sarah was a couple of doors down hearing her ruling. I got a final set of signatures and was seeing my clients out when Sarah walked out of Jax’s office. I didn’t like the look on her face.

“Go on in and have a seat, I’ll be in a second,” I said as Sarah approached, but she only silently nodded her head. I walked my clients to the elevator and hustled back to my office.

“I take it things didn’t go well?” I asked, shutting the door behind me.

“She cut my support in half,” she said on the brink of tears.

My stomach dropped. “What? No.” I couldn’t believe that Anders managed to convince the judge. “What did Jax say?” I asked.

“He was disappointed and suggested I sit down and meet with Anders independently to try to make a deal. He said Anders probably only wants it to look like he won to those on the outside. Jax thinks this all boils down to custody. He said I should offer him shared custody knowing that he won’t be able to follow through with what we agree on anyway then I can negotiate a better financial arrangement. It’s pretty much my only option now. I’ll have to get a second job to even support the kids with what I got.”

My heart was in my throat, but hearing what Jax advised made me angry beyond measure. I decided to keep it to myself though; Sarah had enough things to worry about. “I’m really sorry Sarah.”

“Me
too.” She took a deep breath, suppressing tears. “But, I’m not going to get upset about it. I’ll just make that phone call and see if he’ll meet with me. Jax said that even though he won
this one, he doesn’t think Anders wants to go to trial and have a judge take a nice hard look at his business records. Despite what happened in court already, there are some questionable things lurking in there that could have serious consequences. Knowing that, I’m hoping Anders will want to talk this out.”

“I’m sure he will,” I said, shaking my head
.

After Sarah left
, I made the decision to go talk to Jax. I went down to his office and walked in. “I need to talk to you,” I said then noticed he was on the phone.

He looked up and told whomever he was talking to that
he’d call them right back. “Hey, what’s going on?”

“Sarah just told me the ruling.”

“Yeah, it was a disappointing outcome,” he said.

“No kidding. And you told her to meet with Anders to strike up a deal? Why?” I asked.

He got up from his chair and met me in the middle of the room then crossed his arms. “Look, Anders is in a unique position to manipulate his financial statements to get them to say whatever he wants. He’s got a clever accountant, and he’s working within the parameters of the law. If we take this to trial, it could take months and cost the firm tens of thousands of dollars with no certain outcome.”

“Cost the firm tens of thousands of dollars. This is boiling down to money for you?” I said.

“Just wait a second—”

“No, you wait a second. This is my sister and my family. There are two little boys here that we’re fighting for and you’re encouraging her to make a deal with the devil. Take this thing to trial if that’s what it takes. There has to be more you can do. You’re all just giving up. Go through Anders’s business records with a fine tooth comb
. He’s hiding his money, I
know
it. I’ll
pay for the investigation if money is the issue for you,” I said, crossing my arms.

“Hold on here, this isn’t just about money. I’ve sat here and talked this through with your sister. I’d be willing to do anything to help your family but you need to realize that I’m her attorney and the advice I gave her was sound and in line with what she wants. She wants this to end, and it’s what she chose to do. I’m just supporting that.”

“You’re supporting yourself,” I said and began walking out. I stopped at the door. “You know how you said that you needed some time to sort your feelings out about us? Well take all the time you need because there isn’t an
us
anymore.”