Adirondack Audacity (8 page)

Holding up her flask of vodka, Kat proclaims
, “It’s
tradition, we’ll be camp legends.” A summer rite of
passage. What could go wrong? Oh, so wrong…..

Kat, keeper of hidden whiskey, forbidden cigarettes,
and living life on the edge decided to expand our
horizons beyond illicit alcohol and cigarettes to thievery.
Yep, thievery. Goods stolen in the dark of night without
prior consent of the property owners.

And what are we s
tealing…….underwear….men’s
unmentionables, gotchies……briefs……and boxer
shorts. Are we nuts? Yes, not quite certifiable, but well on
our way.

And the question that begs to be asked is……
Why?
A combination of alcohol from Kat’s flask and a crushing
defeat in
Pictionary
called for retribution. It was guys
versus girls in
Pictionary
last night and the guys annihilated
us. Apparently Vic’s artistic skills put our stick people to
shame…….. and this morning, they couldn’t let it go.
The teasing and taunting lasted throughout the day. So
the mood is ripe for…revenge. Nothing says vengeance
like a woman scorned, and the more alcohol we drank,
the more we were scorned.

“You want us to sneak into the guy’s cabin and steal
their underwear!” Tee squeals. She looks at Kat as if she
has lost her mind. “Mr. Erhart will fire us on the spot and
if his wife catches us, she’ll burn us at the stake.” Tee
needs to drink more.

“Don’t worry,” Kat says
as she passes the small silver
flask to Tee for encouragement. Where she gets the
alcohol …we’ve yet to figure out. A still stashed in the
woods?

“We’re too far into the summer for him to fire us and
still keep the camp running.” She waves her hands
dramatically. “And besides he’ll never know who ran the
underwear up the flagpole. We’ll sneak out under the
cover of darkness and hoist them up the rigging. By
morning the guys’ boxers will be proudly waving from
the top of flag pole. Done deal. They will be so pissed
off.”

“I don’t think this is a good
idea.” I say.
“Oh, Ellen, grow up and stop being such a baby, for
God’s sake.” Her mouth twists in disgust as she levels a
withering look at me. “Sometimes you’re afraid of your
own shadow.”
“Fine then, we’re in.” I throw back at her. No one
calls me a baby, especially Kat.
The next thing I know, we’re standing outside the
guy’s cabin, tonight was their turn to clean up the dining
hall. We need to hurry before they get back. Hunkering
down in the bushes surrounding the cabin we decide our
plan of attack. The crickets send up a battle cry from the
depths of the grass.
“Okay, the only fair way to do this is to draw straws.
We’ll pick to see who gets the shortest stick.” Tee says.
“One of us will go in the cabin, and the rest will stand
guard outside. We don’t have straws so I collected
sticks.”
“This is Kat’s idea; she should go in and take them.”
Emi Jo insists.
“No way, I’m the brains of this operation. I shouldn’t
have to do everything.” Kat says.
“That’s why we’ll draw straws.” Tee has an innate
sense of fairness. “We’re in this together. All for one and
one for all.” She gives a nervous giggle.
Except for the person who gets caught, I can’t help
but think as I draw a stick. That unlucky person will take
the blame, possibly lose their job and at the very least,
earn an unwanted trip into the lake if discovered by the
guys.
Tee thrusts a small bundle of sticks out in front of
her, like a warrior holding a shield going into battle.
“Now,” She commands. “Each of us takes a stick and I
will keep the remaining one. The person with the shortest
piece goes into the cabin. If caught, you have to swear
you won’t tell on the rest of us. There is no point in all of
us getting in trouble. It will look like a one person
operation.” Who suddenly became the brains behind this
mission? Next she’ll be handing out poison capsules to
take upon capture. With bated breath, we each draw a
stick holding them in fisted hands, until Tee turns on the
flashlight to compare lengths.
“Oh, come on!” I cry out. “Damn it!” In the small
circle of light, it’s obvious… I hold the shortest piece. My
mind wanders to the sentence the judge will pronounce
upon me when caught……death by hanging with a noose
made of boxer shorts……..trampled by runaway
underwear…brief electrocution.
“Oh, Ellen,” Emi Jo pats my shoulder in sympathy.
She glances at the dark cabin as if it just became a troll’s
lair.
“She won’t go. She’s afraid.” Kat says in disgust.
“It’s not a big deal.” Tee hands me the flask. “You’ll
be fine. Drink up and get going before they get back.” I
fire a look at Kat, wishing her reduced to a pile of ash.
Damn it,
I need more eye of a newt, rabbit gonads,
rotten monkey brains……or whatever, to cast an evil
spell on her. I think she has gypsy blood in her that is
pure witch evil.
Tee continues her instructions, oblivious to my
hesitation. “Take the flashlight so you can find their
shorts quickly without making a mess of the cabin. And
be careful not to do anything to alert them that someone
has been in. Go.” With her hand at my back, Tee propels
me down the path leading to the cabin. Twigs snap under
foot, my heart hammers in my chest, and a dull roar fills
my ears. A police siren would be quieter.
“We’ll be right here and if we see them coming, we’ll
give a warning so you can escape.” Tee promises. Her
voice reassuring, but her eyes glance furtively about the
woods.
My feet fly up the porch steps. I push open the screen
door and run through……trip…crash ….and fall… flat
on my face…...entangled in an ocean of dirty laundry.
“Quiet!” Kat hisses, “What the hell are you doing in
there?”
“What do you think I’m doing?” I hiss back at her.
“Going to a pajama party!” Picking my head up, I flash a
beam of light around the interior of the cabin. Oh, my
God, what a mess! Clothes litter the floor, covering every
piece of furniture including the beds. And smell! Haven’t
they done laundry all summer long? The stinky toe of a
sock bunched under my nose confirms the verdict. Ugh!
“These guys are pigs.” I yell out the window. “They
have clothes thrown everywhere.”
“Well, just grab some and get out!” Emi Jo entreats.
The urgent sound of her voice galvanizes me to my feet.
The flashlight beam dances across the darkened room.
“Turn off the flashlight, do you want to give us
away!” Tee instructs from outside the window screen.
Give us away? Us? Ummmmm…….who’s standing ankle
deep in smelly guy underwear. The worst kind of stink.
I flash the light low to the ground and collect shorts
from different parts of the cabin. If luck is with me, I
should have a pair from each one of them.
Outside the window, I hear Tee utter, “Oh, no!”
What do you mean,
oh, no!
Turning to leave, my hand
on the door, I hear a muffled scream outside the window
and the sound of running feet crashing through the
brush.
Ohhhhhhh, shit!
Switching the light off, I watch in panic as the dark
silhouettes of Mac, Vic and Ben come up the porch steps.
What are they doing back so early? How the hell did
those female knuckleheads miss three noisy guys walking
down the trail? I know they’re drunk, but are they deaf
and dumb as well? Aggh…they’re on the porch! I’m
caught, stuck, trapped….no place to escape. I am so
screwed!
The door opens and the only means of escape is
blocked except for the screened windows. And it’s too
late to unlatch a screen and jump out. In desperation, I
dive under the nearest bed clutching my stash of
underwear. I dare not breathe and recant every prayer I
learned in Catholic grade school….Hail….Holy…Blessed
……Glory….Praise……..Oh, Holy Hell, I can’t
remember any of them. I’m doomed to death by
underwear suffocation hidden under a bed in a guy’s
bunkhouse. My tombstone will read……Here Lies an
Idiot. Mac flips a switch and the room is flooded with
light. With relief, I realize my hiding place is safe.
My heart is hammering so loud the whole camp must
hear it screaming, “Here she is, here she is. Thief! Thief!
“I’m beat,” Mac says throwing a T-shirt onto the
floor, mere inches from my foot. “That camp softball
tournament for tomorrow has been a bitch to plan. Rick
and I have organized the teams to include the smaller
campers with the older kids, spreading the skill level of
the players throughout the teams to make them even. It’s
been a hell of a lot of work. I’ll be glad when the whole
damn thing is over. Hey Ben, I thought you were hanging
out with Emi Jo tonight?”
“I had a few things to go over for tomorrow’s awards
ceremony, so I told her to go back with the girls.” Ben
says. I see his hand grab a towel off the floor, and his feet
head for the door. “I’m going to take a quick shower.”
Mac turns on Vic. “Hey Vic, I see you making eyes at
Ellen.” Mac’s leering voice assaults my ears. “I wouldn’t
be wasting my time in here if I could be out in the woods
with her.” I gasp, smothering the noise with the dirty
clothes, and then gag at the smell. Ugh, he is such a pig.
“Yeah, I heard she wasn’t interested in spending time
with you.” Vic says.
Yea, Vic!
My mind shouts.
“She didn’t protest that much if I remember
correctly.” I can hear the zipper go down on Mac’s pants,
squeezing my eyes tight as I hear them hit the floor.
Please don’t let me see, please don’t let me see…...
“Don’t worry about Ellen. Her neck isn’t sporting
hickeys like Emi Jo, cuz gentlemen don’t bruise their
ladies.” Vic opens one of the windows and cool night air
streams into the cabin. The thought of Vic nuzzling and
kissing my neck sends tingles down my body, all the way
down to…..oh……oh
my
……
As he turns from the window, his eyes lock on mine
underneath the bed, his face registers a what-the-hell-areyou-doing-here look. I scuttle further back under the bed.
I will never listen to one of Kat’s plans ever again, as long
as I shall live. So help me God.
“Ah, she doesn’t know what she’s missing.” Mac says.
He lets out a long, disgusting belch. “I have several
satisfied ladies in camp.” I shudder in disgust under the
bed….to think I ever let him touch me.
Ugh…
“Why don’t you just shut up and let us get some
sleep. I’m beat and tomorrow’s a busy day. I have to
coach fifteen groups of swimmers.” Vic flips the light
switch off, plunging the cabin into blessed darkness.
“Hey man, what are you doing? I can’t see.” Ben
comes back in, letting the screen door bang against the
frame. “I’m too tired to take a shower. I’ll take one in the
morning.”
“Good night, Ben.” Vic calls out, walking over to the
bed I’m hiding under and flops down, making the
mattress sag, causing me to hug the floor. Thank God, I
jumped under his bed instead of Mac’s. He rolls over and
pulls the blankets to one side as a curtain, concealing my
hiding spot. “Just get into bed and shut up. What do you
need to see anyway? All you do is drop your pants and
fall into bed.”
“I was flossing my teeth.” Ben protests, as his belt
buckle hits the floor followed by the protesting squeak of
his bed springs.
“Floss them in the dark, go to bed!”
With the lights off, silence fills the dark cabin except
for the rhythmic sound of relaxed even breathing.
Now what should I do? The cold night air is seeping
up through the floor boards. I can’t stay here all night, I’ll
be found in the morning, frozen in the fetal position on
the floor. I’ll just wait. Once they’re deep asleep, I’ll crawl
from under the bed and slip out the door. Vic saw me but
he didn’t give me away. What a predicament.
After what seems like hours, I feel Vic move in the
cot above me. He rolls onto the floor still wrapped in his
blanket. I can’t see his face only the gleam of his white Tshirt in the dark room.
“What the hell are you doing under my bed?” he
hisses in a whisper. I shake my head frantically, waving
my finger to hush him.
The clouds part in the sky overhead, sending a shaft
of moonlight through the window. The light illuminates
Vic’s face, a mischievous twinkle gleams in his eyes.
Muffled snores from the cots compete with the hoot of a
lonely Great Horn owl off in the distance.
“If you wanted to get in my bed, there’s an easier
way.” He murmurs into my ear.
“No,
Jeez louise
, I don’t even know you that well.”
“If you look under the covers, you’ll know me
better.”
“Are you crazy?”
“You’re under my bed, after lights out, with a fist full
of dirty underwear crammed up against your face and
you’re asking me if I’m crazy?” I groan in reply. “All you
had to do was ask. Always happy to accommodate a
lady’s wishes.”
“Shhh,” I hiss in panic as I hear a bed creak across
the room.
“Don’t worry; a herd of moose won’t wake them up.”
“Just get me out of here!”
“It might cost you.” He shifts his weight and leans in
closer.
“Anything, get me out!”
“A kiss.”
“Now, are you nuts?” I push against his chest in a
feeble attempt to crawl out from underneath his cot.
While the idea of a kiss is tempting, the location leaves
much to be desired. “This is not my idea of romance,
stuck under your bed with an armload of smelly
underwear!”
“Just what are you doing with the underwear?
Kinky….if I do say so.”
“Nothing, it was Kat’s idea.”
“Oh, that makes it sane.”
Ben moans in his sleep and his noisy snores cover our
whispered conversation.
“Come on.” He slides out from under the bed,
pulling me to my feet. My legs cramped from lying in the
same position give out as I try to put weight on them.
“Oww,”A small cry escapes as pins and needles of
pain shoot through my numb limbs; luckily his arms
catch me before I crash to the floor, causing certain
disaster. Hidden by his body, we creep past his sleeping
bunkmates as he half carries me across the room. The
door swings open and he sets me on my feet, giving me
enough space to place both hands on his chest and shove
him backwards into the cabin where he trips, falling in a
pile of laundry. “Hey!” He hisses at my back. “You owe
me a kiss!”
“Kiss yourself.” I taunt through the screen. And
turning, I run down the steps onto the path leading
through the woods, pumping my fist full of underwear in
triumph over my head………mission accomplished.
I hear Ben yelling from inside the cabin. “Vic, what
the hell are you doing? Close the door, you’re letting the
bugs in!”
Running through the underbrush, I hear Vic’s voice
echo through the trees. “I was letting a bug out, a pesky
bug, who owes me an explanation in the morning.”
…
By the time I reach our cabin, I’m so mad; I fly up the
steps in a rage.
“Where were you!” I yell switching on the overhead
light, pulling sleeping bags off my former friends, who
henceforth shall be called traitors.
“I thought you were going to watch out for me!
General Patton and his fifth army could have swooped
down on the three of you in broad daylight and you’d
miss them coming.”
“What happened?” Tee asks. Her voice carries a note
of horrified thrill.
“What do you think happened? I was this close to
getting caught.” I hold my fingers out measuring a barely
discernible distance under her nose. “I almost froze to
death lying underneath Vic’s bed. Thank God, he was the
only one who saw me hiding there.” I throw the
underwear on the floor, and kick it for good measure.
“You didn’t even wait for me! You deserted me, leaving
me behind enemy lines! What kind of friends are you?” I
pull Kat in her sleeping bag across the bed, glaring at her.
“You’re supposed to be so smart! You couldn’t come up
with a plan to divert them? Yell free beer, naked women
in the woods, Yankee tickets! Anything for God’s sake!
“Well,” Emi Jo begins, “It got cold and we were
trying to fix Tee’s zipper and next thing we know, they
were walking up the steps. It was too late, what could we
to do?” She makes a face. “We feel bad for leaving you.”
“Look you’re fine, what’s the big deal.” Kat stretches
and yawns, annoyed at the interruption to her beauty
sleep. “Can’t you just go to bed?” She burrows down into
the cozy warmth of her sleeping bag.