After Me (21 page)

“Matt stopped me on my way to Mr. Weston’s room and said he needed to ask me something.”

“Really? What did he want?”

“He asked me if I was going to the cemetery on Friday and wanted to know if he could go with me.” His hand closed a little tighter around my elbow. “Friday will be a year.”

“Jaycee told me,” I said. “What’d you say to him?”

“I told him I thought Drew would like it if we went there together.”

“Did you talk about anything else?”

“No, I could tell he’s still mad as hell at me, but he did say we had some stuff we needed to talk about. This is the first time since Drew died that he’s said
anything
to me that wasn’t an insult or a threat. At least it’s a start.”

I turned and put my arms around his neck. “I’m really happy for you, Triple C.”

“I don’t know what you said, but I know you talked to him, Gwen.” He cupped my face in his hands and looked into my eyes. “Thank you for giving me back my best friend.”

He pushed me back on the chaise with his upper body covering mine and his knee between my thighs, his eyes never leaving my face. I swear it felt like I couldn’t breathe even though I didn’t need to anymore.

“When Drew died, it was like half of me died with him. I didn’t feel alive again until the first time I kissed you. Do you have any idea how much you’ve done for me?”

If it’s possible for dead hearts to swell with happiness, mine did then to know I’d made a difference in his life.

“Maybe that’s why I’m here,” I said. “Remember when you said it was like we were destined to meet? I think maybe we were. I think whoever writes this crazy script we all have to act out wrote me into your life so we could save each other.”

His eyes moved over my face like he was searching for something. “But I haven’t done anything for you.”

“Yes you have, Lew. If I’ve helped bring you back to the people who love you, then I know I did at least one worthwhile thing in my whole wasted life.” I put my hands on his cheeks. “You make me feel like I matter.”

“Don’t talk about yourself like that,” he said. “You matter more than you know.”

He kissed me with an intensity that I felt too, and I forgot about everything except the way his fingers sent little shocks through me everywhere he touched and how I loved the way I felt his body react when I ran my hands over the muscles in his arms and chest. All my worries about what to do or not to do disappeared, because everything felt right. I wouldn’t be feeling any of it if I wasn’t meant to be with him.

And everything seemed amplified by a growing anger inside me at all the things I’d been cheated out of. It was all so damn unfair. Yeah, I’d been stupid to do the things I’d done, but stupidity wasn’t a sin, was it? Why did I have to die for it? If this was my only chance to know what it felt like to love somebody and have them love me back, then I was going for it with everything I had.

I deserved to know what it felt like to live at least once before I had to die.

So when Lew pulled away from me and sat up, I almost cried out in protest. “What’s wrong?”

“Absolutely nothing,” he said. “I just need to catch my breath a second. Before we go too far.”

An hour earlier, I would’ve been relieved to be let off the hook like that, but everything was different now. “I thought that’s what you wanted.”

He turned and touched my face again. “I do, but not yet. I’ve got a lot more planned for us tonight.”

“Like what?”

“Dinner for starters. There’s a seafood tray in the galley that Yelina made for us. Then I thought we’d go for a swim after it gets dark.”

“But I didn’t bring a suit.”

He smiled. “That’s why we need to wait until dark.”

Chapter Thirty-two

W
e stayed on the upper deck until the sun’s last rays surrendered to the horizon, then Lew took me to the cabin and made me lie on another chaise while he set out the food in the dining area, complete with candles and a vase of roses.

“You’re gonna make somebody a great little wife someday,” I said when he was done.

He took my hand and led me to the table. “As long as I can still have my career.”

It occurred to me that we’d never talked about anything to do with the future—for obvious reasons on my part at least—so while I pretended to enjoy my cardboard crustaceans, I asked him about his college plans and what he wanted to do afterward.

“I haven’t made up my mind about college yet.” He cracked open a lobster leg. “But I know I want to do something in software development. The problem is Granddad wants me to work in the company and eventually take over for Dad. I don’t want to disappoint him and will probably end up doing it someday, but I want to do something I enjoy for a while at least.”

“How does your dad feel about it?” I peeled a few more boiled shrimp without eating any.

“He’s okay with whatever I do. I think he secretly wanted me to play pro football, even though there wasn’t much chance of me making it that far. I was pretty good for a high school player, but I’m not even sure I could’ve played in college like Dad. He played at Florida on scholarship.”

“Why didn’t he keep playing?”

He shrugged. “He’s the oldest of his three brothers, so Granddad always expected him to follow him in the company. Besides, he had to be sure he made a lot of money if he wanted to keep Belinda.” He put down his fork with a disgusted look.

“Your aunt said everybody in the family believes he really loves her, even though none of them understands why.”

“He does. I don’t understand it either.” He took a drink from the bottle of Chimay he’d surprised me by drinking. “Sure you don’t want one of these?”

I arched an eyebrow at him. “Trying to get me drunk, Triple C?”

“Do I need to?”

“No, and it wouldn’t work anyway. I’d drink you under the table.”

“You’re probably right.” He finished the bottle and tossed it into the trash. “I don’t usually drink anyway.”

“Then why tonight?”

“Liquid confidence I guess.” The look in his eyes became intent. “I didn’t want to disappoint you.”

“Not possible,” I said.

His smile turned a little wistful. “I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about getting through the next few days with my sanity intact. I guess I just wanted tonight to be special.”

“It is. Everything’s perfect.”

He gestured at my plate. “You haven’t eaten much. Don’t you like the food?”

“It’s great. I just don’t want to get a cramp if we go for that swim you mentioned.”

“Yeah, I may need you to rescue me since I stuffed my face.” He took my hand and pulled me to my feet, then he put his arms around me.

“No worries.” I put my arms around his neck and smiled up at him. “I was the star pupil in the country club lifeguard course when I was twelve.”

His brows met in confusion. “Country club?”

Crap, how did I let that slip out? It must be because the more we talked, the more I could see how perfectly matched we would’ve been if I’d known him when I was Jada. So damn unfair.

“Did I say country club? I meant court-mandated community service for juvie kids.” I laughed and he totally bought it.

“Well, that’s good to know,” he said, “because I’m definitely gonna need some mouth-to-mouth.”

I was both relieved and disappointed to find out he’d only been teasing earlier when he made me think we were gonna skinny dip. There were assorted swimsuits in one of the storage bins, and he lowered the privacy curtains over the cabin windows so I could change. I picked a black bikini I hoped would get a major reaction from him, and it worked.

“Put your eyes back in your head and go put on your trunks,” I said. “My turn to check you out.”

When he emerged from the cabin a minute later, I felt sure my face looked exactly like his when he saw me in the bikini. I knew he’d been hiding muscles under those Oxfords and khakis, but I wasn’t prepared for the sculpted curves and planes of his arms and chest, and his legs were downright incredible. The boy was freaking gorgeous.

“Come on, let’s go.” He smiled and took my hand without pointing out that I needed to be careful not to trip over my tongue.

I had always loved swimming, and it was even better now that I wasn’t bothered by the annoying need to breathe. I was also relieved to find out I could still float and didn’t sink like a dead rock. After twenty minutes or so, Lew asked me if I was getting cold, and I realized I had no idea if the water was warm or freezing.

“It’s a little chilly,” I said, trying to play it safe.

“Want to go back aboard?” He put his arms around me with a funny little smile. “I can try to warm you up some.”

The butterflies were back to remind me I was about to move into uncharted territory without a compass. The dinner break had interrupted my earlier determination to go for it, and I wasn’t sure it would come back even though I wanted it to.

I can do this. I trust him completely, and I know he’d never hurt me.

“I’m okay,” I said, “but we can get out if you’re ready.”

“Oh, I’m definitely ready.” He pulled me closer and I felt how ready he was.

This was it. If I was gonna back out, it was now or never. When his lips trailed kisses down my neck, the decision became easy.

“Let’s go get warm, Triple C.”

We climbed the ladder on the side of the boat and went into the cabin where he turned off everything except a recessed light over the door leading to the aft deck. When he flipped a switch on the instrument panel, Bruno Mars serenaded us from hidden speakers.

“Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?” He pulled me into his arms and swayed slowly to the music.

“I could ask you the same thing.” I ran my hands over his chest and smiled up at him.

His fingers brushed my cheek, then they drifted down my neck and trailed lightly across my collarbone. “Such artistic lines. Makes me wish I could paint.”

My own fingers were busy admiring the artistry of his biceps. “It really should be a crime to keep these hidden under sleeves all the time. I’m glad I finally got to see the real you.”

“I want to see you too,” he said, bending down to kiss me. “All of you.”

I felt his fingers slide the straps of the bikini top off my shoulders, then his hands moved to undo the clasp in the front and take it off. When his hands returned to my bare skin, my body reminded me instantly of how much I’d wanted him earlier. I gasped and covered his hands with mine to keep them there, but he misunderstood my reaction.

“Gwen, I’m sorry…” He pulled his hands away and backed up. “I shouldn’t have rushed you like this.”

“No…” That was all I got out before he grabbed his shirt from the table beside us and wrapped it around me.

“I should’ve known this would be hard for you because of everything you’ve been through. I’m sorry for being so selfish. I just wanted us to be as close as possible.”

“No, but you… I didn’t mean…” All of a sudden I couldn’t seem to form a coherent sentence.

“It’s okay.” He put his arms around me and rested his chin on top of my head. “We can take it as slow as you need to. We’ve got all the time in the world. The rest of our lives.”

And there it was. Because only one of us had a life anymore.

What was it Wade had said?
You won’t have to live with what you do, but
he
will.
I knew he was right, and I also knew that Lew wouldn’t be talking about the rest of our lives if he didn’t already think he loved me. I had no idea if he really did or not, but I knew that if I let him make love to me now, it would break his heart when I left. I couldn’t do that to him just to satisfy my selfish desire to know what love felt like. I couldn’t let him lose his smile again after me.

I’d been trying to convince myself that I could stay as long as I wanted to. Maybe I could, but I couldn’t stay with Lew. He deserved to be with someone who could give him a family and grow old with him, and I couldn’t do either one. I had to finish my assignment and leave before he fell any harder for me, because I wasn’t gonna cheat him out of the life he deserved just because I’d been cheated out of mine.

So I let him go on thinking I’d freaked out because of the way I’d been used by men in the past. I’d been lying to him the whole time I’d known him, so what was one more lie?

“I’m sorry, Triple C. I thought I could do it, but I can’t.”

He tilted up my face and made me look at him. “You don’t have to apologize to me for anything. Nobody’s gonna make you do anything you don’t want to do ever again.”

I tiptoed to kiss him. “Thank you for understanding.”

After we were both dressed, he untied the boat and moved it to the end of the pier so we could sit in the swing before he took me home. I leaned against his chest with his arms wrapped around me and asked him to tell me some stories about his brother so I wouldn’t have to talk. I needed to plan out what I had to do over the next few days.

As soon as I got home, I had to rev up my search for BOSSMAN, even if it meant going back to the Sugar Daddy chatrooms where I’d met him the first time. Once I found him, I’d set up a meeting no matter where he wanted it to be. I’d find some way to get there even if it meant taking Karen and Brad’s car to do it.

I also had to distance myself from Lew as much and as gently as possible. I’d find some excuse not to see him so much—God knows I was good at coming up with lies. Maybe I could start hinting to him that I might have to change foster homes. But whatever I did, I couldn’t do any of it until after Friday. He needed me to get through that, and no way was I gonna let him down.

When he took me home and I kissed him goodbye at the door, I couldn’t help holding on to him a little tighter since I knew I wouldn’t be able to do it much longer. I guess he noticed because he asked me if I was okay.

“Yeah, I just had such a great time tonight that I don’t want it to end.”

“Me either. But we’ll have plenty more nights like this, I promise.”

“I know. And you need to get some sleep anyway so you can kick ass in your tournament tomorrow.” I gave him one last kiss and started to open the door, but he turned me back around and held my face in his hands.

“I love you, Gwen. I hope you know that.”

Oh, shit. I’d hoped I could do what I needed to do and get the hell out of his life before he said those words to me. What was I supposed to tell him now? I couldn’t bear to hurt him, but if I told him I loved him too, it would only hurt him more later on.

I looked into his eyes and couldn’t stop the tears that slid down my cheeks. “I don’t know anything about love, Triple C. I just know I’m glad we found each other.”

I could tell it wasn’t what he’d been hoping to hear, but at least he didn’t look like I’d just ripped out his heart. He brushed the tears from my cheeks with his thumbs and kissed me again.

“We’ll figure it out together. I’m wicked smart, remember? And like I said before, we’ve got all the time we need.”

I would’ve given anything for that to be true.

* * *

M
y anger swelled with each step I took as I climbed the stairs to my room. I couldn’t wait to find BOSSMAN and make him pay for all the things he’d stolen from me. While I booted up my computer and logged in to FaceSpace, I amused myself by picturing what I’d do when I found him, and it made Rufus’s last moments look like a peaceful death in comparison.

But all my rage was replaced with absolute terror when I clicked on the red notification and saw the subject line of the new message.

I HAVE YOUR FRIEND