After Nothing (29 page)

I reached for him, drawing in close as I hugged him tight.

‘You changed everything for me, Kane,’ I whispered.

‘Yeah? Then what are we doing?’ asked Kane, wrapping his arms around me.

He was warm, and solid, and strong. I closed my eyes and breathed him in.

‘I love you,’ I said.

‘I love you, baby,’ he replied.

I looked over his shoulder at Bey and Reesey’s house. Darkness was falling fast, and the details of their house were disappearing. I couldn’t make out the front door, or the windows. The house had just become a long rectangle shadow, topped by the angle of its roof.

‘I never thought Bey would do that,’ said Kane, releasing his hold on me as he realized where I was looking.

‘Me neither,’ I replied.

‘It’s so fucked up. No one gets it. His crew don’t, and I sure as fuck don’t. I never saw it, you know. It’s like I didn’t really know him.’

‘He’d been hurting her again.’

‘She didn’t tell you that.’

‘She didn’t have to. I think she must have told him she was leaving. She told him that. Promised him, even. When she lost the first pregnancy, she said that if he hurt her again she’d leave. That she wouldn’t risk Joey having lost Anise.’

Kane frowned at me. ‘What are you talking about?’

‘When he beat her up and she lost their little girl.’

‘Girl?’

‘You didn’t know?’

‘I knew she was pregnant before Joey. Bey said she had a miscarriage.’

‘She did. She miscarried a baby girl after he beat her really badly.’

‘He killed it, you mean?’ Kane’s voice and expression kept me quiet. ‘Why didn’t you tell me that?’

‘I thought you knew.’

‘How the fuck would I know that?’

‘Because Bey would have told you?’

‘Obviously Bey never told me shit. You should have told me. Why didn’t you?’

I looked at him blankly.

‘Reesey told me when we weren’t really talking to each other. You know, after that night. She told me in confidence. I think I figured you probably knew too, and if you didn’t …’ My voice trailed away.

‘What?’

‘I don’t know. Don’t put this on me. Bey was your friend. And what does it matter now anyway?’

‘It matters,’ said Kane, moving forward and picking up the fire extinguisher that had come with the place when we’d moved in, ‘’cause they’re dead, Nat. They’re fucking dead, and I never talked to him. You told me to, and I didn’t. And now you tell me this as well. Thing is, even if I’d known I would have said fuck all to him about it.’

He stepped forward and extinguished what was now a smoldering mattress and base. Within seconds there was just a powdered mess of metal, fabric and bits of foam.

‘What do you want to do with it?’ I asked.

‘Just leave it here.’

‘Kane, children might move in. I don't want them cutting themselves on the metal. Besides, I want us to get our bond back.’

Kane sighed, loudly.

‘Alright, Natalie. I’ll come back with Wayne’s pickup tomorrow and deal with it then.’

I moved closer. ‘I’m cold.’

‘Yeah, let’s get the fuck out of here.’

‘Natalie, you get a fair deal out of me.’

‘And I appreciate it, Harold,’ I said into the phone, ‘but let me say again, I cannot stay late tonight.’

‘That’s just too bad. This meeting has already been delayed a month because of you.’

I scowled at the two bowls of soup I was about to deliver to Table 6.

‘Can’t you come in an hour before closing?’

‘Last time we tried that I had your attention for ten minutes before you got busy again.’

I swallowed the retort ‘making you money’ and forced myself to take a deep breath.

‘Half an hour, no more, and next time you want to meet after work you need to give me more notice.’

Harold spluttered on the other end of the line.

‘You work for me, young lady.’

‘You’re asking me to work outside my set hours. That was fine before, but not now. I’ve got a baby at home who needs dinner and putting to bed. And, I’ve asked three times about when I can go part time and you won’t discuss it.’

‘I don’t appreciate your tone, Natalie.’

I sighed. ‘I don’t have a tone, Harold. It’s the lunch rush, is all. I’ve got soup getting cold. Can we talk after work?’

‘Yes, and in the meantime, consider whether or not you want this job.’

The line went dead. I ignored Kelsey calling for coffees to be delivered, and Sharday, one of our part-timers, babbling about something wrong with the till. My eyes flitted over the full tables, the queue of business folk dressed in suits at the food cabinets and the small group of well-dressed women standing near the door waiting for their takeout coffees.

‘Natalie,’ called Sharday, additional desperation in her voice.

Paper. She needed a roll of receipt paper.

I pointed at the shelf under the till, and then walked out the back, through the kitchen – where Diane and Antoine were moving at a frantic pace – and into the tiny back office.

I sat down and scrolled through my phone until I found a photo of Reesey smiling at me.

‘Come back,’ I whispered.

Her image blurred.

I rang Julie and organized for Joey to stay with her a little longer than we’d arranged.

‘Soup,’ I said to myself as I stood up. ‘Table 6 needs their soup.’

The meeting went for an hour – and Harold and I disagreed on just about everything.

Social media. This was essential, according to Harold.

Me: Not essential, but would complement the business. Who would implement it?

Harold: You would.

Me: I don’t have time. You’ll have to employ someone else.

Harold: I’m not employing someone else.

Giving the servers a pay rise.

Harold: They don’t need a pay rise.

Me: They haven’t had one since you bought the place.

Harold: Their tips have increased.

Me: I’ve put a lot into their training. I don’t want to lose them.

Harold: Servers are dispensable.

Me: Not the good ones.

Closing early over the Christmas break.

Me: I just don’t think we’ll get the customers. Everyone takes holidays during that time. I’ve asked some of the other shop owners and they’ve said the city is dead between Christmas and New Year.

Harold: If that’s the case, let most of the staff go early. You and Antoine can stay on to our normal closing.

Me: Some days I’d like Kelsey to work till closing so I can get home to Joey earlier.

Harold: No, you owe me time already.

Me: Harold, I’ve taken all my days off unpaid. I don’t owe you any time.

This led to me working part time.

Harold: It won’t work.

Me: I’ll make it work.

Harold: The answer’s no.

Me: You need to find a new manager then.

Harold: That’s ridiculous. Where else would someone your age get an opportunity like this? You need to reprioritize.

Me: These are your options, Harold. Get a new manager, or let me work part time.

Harold: I made a mistake hiring you.

Me: Do you want me to help you find a new manager?

Harold: I’m just not sure you should be taking on a child, is all.

I stood up and walked away from the table before I yelled at him.

On Christmas Day Kane and I pulled into Wayne and Willa’s house. He turned off the engine and glared at me. He’d barely spoken the whole car ride from the Drummonds’ house.

Lost in my own guilty thoughts about leaving Joey for the night, I jumped when he snapped, ‘We don’t need the Drummonds doing us favors. We don’t need their permission to spend time together, and that is the last fucking time I’m spending Christmas Day with people I don’t know. Half the fucking church was there.’

‘It wasn’t that many people. And they’re the Drummonds’ friends, Kane.’

‘How come just about every one of them asked me if I was at church this morning?’

‘Probably to hear you say “I don’t believe in God.”’

‘What?’

I looked out the window at Wayne and Willa’s house. They’d taken Willa’s kids away for two weeks, to the coast. Kane hadn’t left a light on to combat the dreariness of the day, and there was nothing visible that spoke of Christmas. It was a complete contrast to the warmth of the Drummonds’ home, filled with people, decorations, new presents, the smell of spices and cooking food, and the presence of baby Jesus in Christmas cards, nativity figurines and conversation.

‘You would rather have spent Christmas here, on your own?’ I asked.

‘Yeah. Just you and me.’

‘And Joey?’

Kane hesitated, and then nodded – unconvincingly.

‘Well, I’m here now.’

‘Only with their permission.’

‘Let’s go inside.’

‘This is fucking bullshit, Natalie,’ said Kane as he got out of the car. He slammed his door shut.

I was slower to follow suit, claiming my overnight bag from the backseat and then shutting the passenger door quietly. Neither of us spoke as we walked up the concrete steps. Kane unlocked the door and walked in ahead of me.

Empty of Wayne’s presence, Willa’s chatter and the sounds two young boys constantly make, the house seemed twice its normal size. Kane disappeared through a door in the hall. I went to the kitchen. Freezing cold water splashed on my hand as I overfilled a glass. It numbed my fingers, and when I drank it numbed the inside of my mouth.

A fast-paced thumping sound led me to Kane. He was in what had been Wayne’s weights room. Dumbbells still littered the floor, but the bench-press was gone. In its place was a queen-size bed. A pile of washing had been dumped in the middle of it.

Kane didn’t spare me a glance. His entire focus was on the speed bag mounted on one of the walls. He was hitting it with the sides of both fists. First one, then the other, in a steady rhythm.

‘You need to fold these as soon as they’re dry, otherwise they look terrible.’

I held up one of his t-shirts. The bottom of it stuck together in a clump, and the rest of the cotton was full of wrinkles. Kane changed the speed and pattern with which he was hitting the ball. Two left, two right. Two left, two right. I straightened out the t-shirt the best I could, and folded it. Then I started on the rest of the pile. I looked up when the thump of the speedball stopped. Kane pulled his shirt over his head. He dropped it on the ground. Then he swapped his jeans for the sweatpants I was about to fold.

He went back to hitting the ball. This time faster and harder.

I organized his clothes into piles. Socks, jeans, briefs, sweatpants, tanks, t-shirts, sweaters.

Sweat dripped off Kane’s face. It ran down his chest and his back. His arms glistened with it.

‘I don’t want to spend Christmas like this, Kane.’

Kane punched the ball as hard as he could with the front of his fist before turning to face me.

‘We had plans, Nat.’

‘I know.’

‘Then why the fuck am I living here, and you’re living with the Drummonds?’

‘Not with them. In their apartment.’

‘Same thing.’

I looked away. There was a poster of Evander Holyfield on the closet door.

‘Nat?’

He was in a boxing ring – his arms raised in triumph.

‘Natalie, just fucking look at me, will you?’

I met his stare.

‘Is this us now?’ said Kane. ‘Living apart, never fucking seeing each other?’

‘You don’t want Joey.’

‘You didn’t give me time to figure out what I wanted. You just left.’

‘How many times do I have to say it? I had to look after him.’

‘It’s just the same old shit all over again.’

‘What are you talking about?’

‘You doing what you want, and fuck what I want.’

‘Because I’m afraid you’ll make the wrong decision.’

Kane fixed his eyes on me, and he didn’t shift them. It was me who looked away.

‘This isn’t my fault, Kane.’

‘I know that, Nat.’ He sat down on the edge of the bed and buried his head in his hands.

‘I’m sorry,’ I said.

‘It’s Bey’s fucking fault,’ muttered Kane. ‘Murdering motherfucker. Why didn’t she end it with him? She should have ended it.’

‘She loved him.’

‘Yeah, like you’d stay through that shit if I killed a fucking baby. That’s fucked, right? I mean, what the fuck? She knew what he was capable of. He slit his uncle’s throat, you know. I mean, I hated that son of a bitch, but that’s some fucked-up shit. I couldn’t do that. He did so much fucked-up shit. You know that kid Tyrone Rivers, from that day round the back of the gym? The one who put his hands on you? Bey was there when X shot him. He laughed when he told me about it. That fucker laughed, and I didn’t say shit. I hate him. I hate that he was my best friend. What the fuck does that say about me? And now as well as Rev being on my case about taking Joey on, Teige paid me a visit last week. Said him and the brothers wouldn’t be too happy about Joey being raised by a priest. Looks at me like Joey’s my responsibility. And you look at me like that too. I don’t want a kid, Nat. And I definitely don’t want to raise that fucking murdering motherfucker’s kid. I’m done with Bey. I’m done with everything to do with him.’

I sat down on the side of the bed. I couldn’t look at him.

‘What are you thinking, baby?’

‘Okay.’

‘Okay? Okay what?’

‘Okay, I’ll give him up.’

‘You’ll hate me,’ he said.

‘No. No, it’s just –’

‘What?’

‘I don't know. I just really love him.’

It was like Reesey and Bey dying all over again. I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know what to do with myself. Kane kept asking me if I was okay, and I just kept nodding. He wanted to talk about it more, but I didn’t have room in my head for the listening that required. In the end he went out for a run, and I crawled into his bed.

I curled up. I pulled the comforter over my head, and I fell asleep.

When I woke it was late. Kane was asleep beside me. I was still fully clothed, wearing the knit sweater, woollen skirt and tights that I’d worn to lunch at the Drummonds. They were the nicest clothes I had. After several hours sleeping in them, they were unbearably uncomfortable.

My overnight bag was still out in the hallway. I didn’t want to wake Kane up by turning on the hall light, so I got changed in the dark. Then I went into the bathroom, closed the door and switched the light on. I blinked at the glare.

My reflection in the bathroom mirror showed someone I barely recognized. I didn’t look … strong. And my chest hurt, like my heart was twisting inside me.

I forced myself to brush my teeth and then went into the kitchen to get a glass of water.

My phone was on the kitchen bench, and there was a text from Melissa.

Merry Xmas to my favorite Ho Ho Ho.

I started crying. I took my phone back to bed with me, just in case Julie needed to get hold of me. The twist in my heart tightened further at the thought that Julie wouldn’t be ringing me about Joey in the future. Rather than get into bed I sat quietly down on the floor, with my arms wrapped around me. I rocked back and forth, my cries soundless. I wanted Dad. Dad, who used to come into my room and comfort me when I woke in the middle of the night. Who was going to go in to Joey now when he woke in the middle of the night? Probably it would be Julie or Reverend Joe. Probably they would take him. But I wanted it to be me. He belonged to me, didn’t he?

When I next looked at my phone it was two hours later. I made myself get up off the floor and then knelt on the bed to wake Kane up.

‘What is it?’ said Kane, turning in my direction.

‘Please don’t take him from me.’

‘What?’

‘It hurts so bad. It’s killing me. Please, Kane. Please.’

He got out of bed, and turned the bedroom light on, and then he stared at me in shock.

I couldn’t stop shaking, and tears were pouring down my face.

‘I can’t face telling Julie that I can’t take him. I don’t know how I’m going to say that.’ I clutched at my chest. ‘Oh God, it hurts.’

Kane came and sat down beside me. He gathered me in his arms.

‘It’s okay, Nat.’

‘I’ve let Reesey down.’

‘The fuck you have.’

‘Everything’s so hard.’

‘We’ll work it out.’

‘We can’t.’

‘We’ll have to. If you feel this bad about it then I’m not gonna make you give him up.’

‘You’ll leave me.’

‘Baby, I ain’t gonna leave you.’