After Nothing (31 page)

‘We will, but he’s in pain. Ears, I’d say.’

My eyes went to Joey as one of his hands whacked the side of his head. Again. He’d been doing that. I hadn’t even related it to his ears.

Reverend Joe must have seen the look on my face.

‘Years of experience, Natalie. Why don’t you get dressed and tell Kane to meet us at the urgent care a block over? Joey and I will go find him some medicine.’

I went and got Joey his brown blanket, and then they were gone.

The apartment was quiet. My ears rang with the silence.

I made up another bottle, and felt a moment of embarrassment when I got dressed and realized Reverend Joe had seen me in an old t-shirt of Kane’s that, although modest enough that it came down to my knees, had ‘Gangsta Gonna Get Some’ on the front.

When Kane found us in the waiting room Joey was close to asleep in my arms. He spoke to Reverend Joe first, shaking his hand and saying, ‘Thanks for helping us out.’

Reverend Joe looked at him a moment, and then nodded. ‘It’s not a problem, Kane.’

‘He okay?’ Kane asked me.

‘His temperature’s still up.’

Kane’s hand briefly touched Joey’s head. Then he ducked his head and kissed me.

‘You okay?’

‘Worried.’

‘Yeah, I bet,’ said Kane.

Reverend Joe and Kane talked. They talked about cars, and a conference coming up that Reverend Joe was going to. They talked about Kane’s job, and basketball, and they predicted, differently, who was going to win the Super Bowl. They talked like they knew each other better than I thought they did. How would Reverend Joe know Wayne ran some classes teaching martial arts to special needs adults? I didn’t even know that.

I didn’t talk. I just cuddled Joey against me while he slept, and every now and then pressed a gentle kiss to the top of his head. Reverend Joe offered to hold him, but I wouldn’t let him go. Not even when one of my arms fell asleep from the weight of him.

The doctor woke him. Joey screamed as she examined him, and when he wasn’t screaming, he cried out ‘mom-mom-mom’ while clinging to me.

‘He has an ear infection,’ said the doctor.

While we were making our way back down to the hospital entrance, Reverend Joe suggested to Kane that he come back to the apartment.

‘I think Natalie could use some support this morning.’

Kane’s eyes narrowed, but his voice was quiet when he said, ‘I was planning to anyway.’

Reverend Joe came to a stop at the traffic lights. The snow that had fallen was barely visible: just a few patches here and there where it had clumped together. The street was empty except for Kane coming to a stop behind us. Even though Reverend Joe was driving excruciatingly slowly, Kane hadn’t once overtaken him, and Kane hated it when people drove slowly.

I looked behind me. The streetlights revealed Joey’s closed eyes and the steady movement of his chest rising and falling.

‘He cries more now,’ I said, turning forward in my seat. ‘When he was with Reesey he hardly used to cry at all. Now he cries all the time. He misses Reesey.’

‘I’m sure he does,’ agreed Reverend Joe. ‘Beyden too.’

Unable to help myself, I glanced back at Joey again. Still breathing. Still asleep.

‘I’m sorry I’m still working full time,’ I said. ‘I know it would be better for Joey if I wasn’t. I won’t go in today. Or tomorrow. Or however long he’s sick, if he’s still sick.’

‘You do what works for you.’

The traffic light turned green, and Reverend Joe turned onto his street.

‘I wouldn’t ask Julie to look after Joey when he’s sick,’ I said.

‘Julie’s probably got more experience with sick kids than that doctor we just saw. Don’t worry about her. Besides, unlike you, she’s had a good night’s sleep.’

‘What you did tonight … I can’t thank you enough. You’ve probably got a full day too.’

‘I’ve spent more than a few sleepless nights with sick kids, Natalie. Never done me any harm. None too fond of vomiting though. Now that’s the worst.’ Reverend Joe grinned. ‘Vomit on the bed, vomit in the bed, vomit on the floor beside the bed. I tell you, Natalie, I hate cleaning up vomit.’

It was so strange, but also so normal. This man preached sermons to hundreds and hundreds of people each week, passing on the teachings of Jesus to a congregation who followed his every word, and here he was discussing cleaning up children’s vomit.

I looked over into the backseat again.

‘He must have been in some pain,’ I said.

‘I think so. But he had you there with him the whole time. Holding him, comforting him. It’s the most important thing with children, that they don’t feel alone.’

‘And that they feel wanted,’ I added.

Reverend Joe glanced at me as he pulled in through the first set of church gates. He followed the drive around to the house, but rather than open the garage he parked outside the apartment.

Kane pulled up beside us.

‘Still, I am sorry I interrupted your sleep,’ I said to Reverend Joe. ‘And that I didn’t know what I was doing.’

‘You knew exactly what to do, Natalie: you asked for help.’

Reverend Joe opened the backdoor to his car. Before I could get round there he was unclipping Joey and lifting him out, all wrapped up in his blanket. Joey stirred, and complained half-heartedly.

‘Here you go,’ said Reverend Joe.’

He gave Joey to Kane, not me. We both stood there stupidly for a moment. Me empty-handed, Kane with Joey lying lengthwise in his arms.

‘Better get him inside,’ said Reverend Joe, looking up at the lightening sky. ‘And try to get some sleep.’ He got back in his car, reversing it the distance to the garage while Kane, Joey and I went into the apartment.

‘Put him in his crib?’ said Kane.

I nodded.

When he came back out I asked him if he was hungry.

‘No, I just want to fuck you.’

‘Here?’

‘Don’t care where, as long as it’s now.’

‘Are you angry?’

‘Not at you. Where can we do it?’

‘I feel bad doing it in their bed. What about the laundry?’

‘Works for me,’ said Kane, already pulling layers of clothing up and over his head.

I was only able to take that day off work. Within twenty-four hours Joey seemed fine, but I wanted to stay home with him to be extra sure he was okay. Also, I was tired. Just about dead-on-my-feet tired. Tired to the point that when Joey rubbed the remains of his dinner, which consisted of mashed potato and a pureed beef stew, all over his face and then pushed his bowl off the high chair tray, I had to mentally force myself to pick the bowl up. Just the action of taking three steps to get it felt close to impossible.

When Harold finally returned my call I was just about to go to bed. He flat-out refused to let me have another day away from work.

‘I’m doing the accounts tomorrow,’ I said, ‘so I’ve already got Shayne coming in to cover me. It would just mean that rather than working in the room out the back, I work from home.’

‘No.’

‘Harold, I need to stay home tomorrow.’

‘If you’re not at work tomorrow you’re fired,’ said Harold, and hung up.

I consoled myself with the fact that at least tomorrow was Friday. Then I’d have two days just Joey and me.

Joey woke just after midnight. I broke all my own rules and took him into bed with me. He fell back asleep right away, and I would have too, except he kept moving in his sleep, and made lots of sounds. Rather than get up and put him back in his bed, I spent the rest of the night in a twilight sort of sleep in which even his slightest murmur disturbed me.

I watched Kelsey count every coin, and every note.

‘I know how to do this,’ said Kelsey, glancing at me annoyed.

‘It’s just really important it’s right, and if it’s out you need to text me and tell me. Even if it’s just a quarter.’

‘You’ve already said that.’

‘Nat, can I speak to you?’ I spared Antoine a quick glance.

‘In a minute.’

‘It’s kind of important,’ snapped Antoine.

‘So is this. Just give me a minute.’

Antoine was waiting in the small windowless room out the back, which doubled as my office. He didn’t say anything while Kelsey locked the cash away in the office safe, but the moment she was gone, and before I even had the chance to sit down, he launched into a long list of the ways in which I was treating him badly.

‘It’s illegal to discriminate against me,’ he said.

‘Discriminate?’

‘Ever since you found out you hardly speak to me. You haven’t even asked me anything about it. You’re my boss and you find out I’m HIV-positive and you say nothing? Not even that you’re sorry to hear that.’

‘I was sorry to hear it, but you seem to be doing great.’

‘Doing great? With a death sentence? Yeah right,’ said Antoine, his eyes welling with tears.

‘I meant, you seem well.’

‘Well, I’m not. I’m sick.’

‘Do you want some time off?’

Tears spilled down his face. ‘You don’t even care, do you? We’ve all been covering for you, and supporting you. Did you even think of that?’

I looked down at my hands. They were shaking. I moved them off the desk and down into my lap.

‘I need some help,’ said Antoine.

‘Okay, I’ll talk to Diane. Do you want time off?’

‘No.’

‘Want do you want?’

‘I don’t know.’ He broke down sobbing.

I couldn’t move. I watched him cry, but really I wanted him as far away from me as possible.

Diane came into the office. She looked between us and then put a hand on Antoine’s shoulder.

‘He wants help,’ I said to her. ‘But he doesn’t want to take any time off.’

‘I just need to be able to talk about it.’

‘If Harold finds out he’ll want you to leave,’ I said.

Diane frowned and shook her head at me. Antoine cried harder.

‘It’s the truth,’ I said. ‘It would be better if you didn’t tell anyone else at work.’

‘If I had cancer I could,’ said Antoine. ‘Then I could talk about it, and you’d care.’

‘Antoine, if you had cancer, Harold would want you to leave then as well. He would be worried about what it would cost him. Me looking after a baby is a gigantic problem for him. He wouldn’t be able to get his head around you having HIV.’

‘He’s a dick,’ said Antoine.

I didn’t disagree.

‘This is happening to me, not you,’ said Antoine, ‘and not Harold.’

‘I can give you some time off.’

‘I don’t want time off,’ said Antoine, close to shouting. ‘You don’t get it.’

My eyes went to the phone on my desk. 4:45. I’d missed my bus. I needed to go if I wanted to get the next one.

‘I’m sorry,’ said Antoine sarcastically. ‘Don’t let me keep you.’

His chair scraped as he pushed it back and stood up. Diane gave me a disapproving look.

As they left the office I heard Antoine tell Diane I was a cold bitch. I picked up my phone to text Julie that I was running late.

The Drummond kids, biological, adopted and fostered, were all out in the front yard attempting to have a snowball fight – there just wasn’t that much snow to fight with. As I let myself in the gate, Lainey came running toward me and threw her arms around me in a hug.

‘Hi,’ I said, hugging her back with my free arm.

‘Hi,’ she said breathlessly.

‘Having fun?’

‘Kind of. I’m in charge. Liyah keeps swearing any time snow lands near her.’

My eyes sought Liyah out. She was scraping a mixture of ice and dirt together from beneath the dogwood tree at the far end of the Drummonds’ house. As I watched, Deezyah and Samuel ran past her laughing, Samuel lining up a snowball in Deezyah’s direction. He hadn’t even thrown it when she stood up and yelled at their departing backs ‘You bitches.’

‘Better go,’ said Lainey, adding as she ran off in Liyah’s direction, ‘Joey’s inside with Mom.’

I had Joey on my hip, my bag over my arm, and I was unlocking the door with my free hand when my phone started ringing. By the time Joey and I were inside it had stopped.

I sat Joey down on the living room floor, tipped out all the toys in the toy box, and went to the refrigerator to see what I could make him for dinner. I badly needed to do a grocery shop that weekend.

‘It’s just eggs tonight, Joey.’

I glanced in his direction. He’d crawled over to beside the couch and was now sitting on his butt, looking up at it. I could almost see his mind trying to figure out how to get up there.

My phone rang again. Hoping it was Kane, I dug it out of my bag.

Harold. I silenced it and put it down on the kitchen bench. Within seconds it was ringing again.

This time I answered it.

Harold was yelling in my ear before I’d finished greeting him.

I was a liar; I was a deceitful little girl; I was setting out to ruin his business. I was a manipulative little bitch. How dare I not tell him that Antoine had AIDS?

‘Antoine doesn’t have AIDS. He has –’

‘Don’t you lie to me, girl.’

‘I’m not. Antoine is HIV-positive.’

‘It’s the same thing.’

‘No, it’s not.’

‘We’re going to lose all our customers.’

‘Harold, I don’t think our customers would care.’

‘Of course they’d care.’

‘They’re professionals. They’re educated.’

‘So am I. I wouldn’t eat in a place where there was someone with AIDS.’

‘Our kitchen is clean; our food is prepared properly. All the staff follow our hygiene rules, because if they don’t then they don’t get leftovers. And trust me, they like leftovers, because the food’s so good. Food Antoine has been preparing since you bought the coffee shop. You cannot discriminate against him, Harold. It’s illegal. If you do it will cost you a lot. I suggest you go online and find out a little more about HIV.’

‘How long have you known?’

‘A few weeks.’

‘You should have told me. Never realized you were such a disloyal little bitch.’

I didn’t reply. My eyes went to Joey. He’d got his hands on the television remote and was trying to crawl and hold it at the same time.

‘Kelsey was loyal enough to tell me.’

‘Kelsey told you?’ My heart sank. She’d obviously been listening in on Antoine and me, and then gone straight to Harold.

‘She’s been doing a damn sight better job than you of late.’

‘Actually, I doubt that.’

‘Really? She’s had one day off. One day. I’ll need to meet with you tomorrow.’

‘No.’

‘Excuse me?’

‘I can meet with you Monday.’

‘You’ll meet with me tomorrow or else.’

‘I’ve said no. Text me a time for Monday.’

I hung up. He rang back. And he rang back. And he rang back. Four times in five minutes. I turned off my phone.

I gave Joey his eggs for dinner. I showered him. I cuddled him on the couch while he drank his bottle, and when I put him down he hardly complained at all. When I checked on him ten minutes later he was fast asleep. I straightened his blankets, and then I left his room and went to mine.

Things were wrong. I was wrong. There was something wrong with me and it meant that I couldn’t do my job. Every part of me rebelled at the thought of going back to work on Monday. I didn’t want to unlock the shop’s front door. I didn’t want to talk to Diane, or try and make things up with Antoine. I didn’t want to have to deal with Kelsey. I couldn’t stand the thought of looking at Harold.

I just wanted to be alone. Alone like I was now. The apartment was silent. I could cope with the silence.

Tapping on my window woke me. I knew it was Kane even before he said my name.

Because of the security locks I could only get the window open a couple of inches.

‘I’ll open the back door,’ I whispered through the gap.

It was raining, and Kane shed his wet jacket the moment he came inside.

‘What’s going on? How come I couldn’t get hold of you?’

I noticed the clock on the microwave. It read 11:30.

‘It’s late,’ I said.

‘I’ve been trying to call you for hours. I would have come over sooner but I was with Chuck getting a piece done. Why’s your phone off?’

‘You got a tattoo?’

‘Baby, why is your phone off?’

It was then I noticed he was looking at me strangely.

‘I should have called you. I fell asleep.’

‘Is Joey okay?’

‘Yes. He’s fine.’

‘You gonna tell me what’s happened?’

‘I don’t even know. I mean, I do.’

I told him what had happened that day, and then told him Harold wouldn’t stop calling.

‘I don’t know if I can go back, Kane. He called me a bitch.’

Kane took a step toward me.

‘He what?’

‘He said I was a manipulative bitch. I don’t think I was being manipulative.’

‘Where’s your phone?’

Kane spotted it on the kitchen bench and was turning it on before I had time to respond.

’I’m going to deal with it on Monday, Kane.’ I felt wrong again. I felt like I was speaking from a distance when I said, ‘Don’t turn it on. I don’t want him near me.’

‘Motherfucker,’ said Kane. ‘He’s rung you twenty-three times.’

Kane put my phone up to his ear.

‘I don’t want any of them near me,’ I said in a whisper.

‘Baby, you got eight voicemails, and I know only one of them is from me.’

As he listened to my messages Kane’s expression became one of disbelief. And then anger. And then rage.

‘This motherfucker can say that shit to me.’

I sat down on the floor exactly where I was standing. I rested my forehead on my knee and kept my eyes closed.

I heard Kane say, ‘I got your messages, asshole.’

Everything was unraveling.

‘Shut up. You said enough already. You call Natalie again, you try and talk to her, you try and see her, and I won’t be lighting up your phone twenty-three fucking times. Things will be more direct. We clear?’

If I didn’t have my job, what did that mean? I couldn’t think what it would mean. Would I still have Joey?

‘What is fucking wrong with you, ancient-ass nigga? Stop talking. I mean, I know you old; now I know you stupid too. You can’t say the shit you’ve said to Natalie. Eight fucking messages calling her names and shit. Accusing her of shit I know she didn’t do, shit you know she didn’t do. You trying to scare her? Dumb ass, she your employee. She got rights. You in a pile of shit, motherfucker.’

Suddenly Kane started yelling down the phone.

‘Yeah, we real uneducated, motherfucker. So uneducated you paid Natalie to run your business for you. And you should see how uneducated I am. Probably even pronouncing your name wrong. “
Motherfucker
”? Am I saying that right? Let me make one thing real clear to you; there ain’t nothing I won’t do to protect Natalie.
Nothing
. You crossed a line, you stupid-ass nigga. All the abuse, fucking harassing her? Take a look at employment law motherfucker, you fucked.’