After the Before (23 page)

Chapter Forty-One

Jasmine

Last night was the best night of my life
, but when I woke up, he wasn’t in bed, but what was there was a cold void; an emptiness had already begun to fill the room.

I laid in bed for a few more minutes. Would he leav
e without even saying goodbye? My heart slams like a hammer in my chest before falling into my stomach. With each pound I try to hold back the swelling sadness that is building inside me, growing like a festering wound.

I climb out of bed and pull
on a shirt. I’m in the middle of pulling my pants in place when the door clicks open. I look up and meet Alex’s stare for only a moment, but during that moment, I can read it all in his eyes, posture, and the coldness that he has brought back into the room. The game is on, or am I just being paranoid? Would Alex do that to me the morning after we made love? My heart begins to break all over again, because yes, he would
.

He looks away first, staring at the ground as he walks to the table by the window, laying bagels down as he sits, still not
looking at me.

I join him in his silence, wondering what I should say, how I should approach this. Does he regret what we did last night? Finally, I build up enough courage to say something to him. It’s either that or go crazy
in this silence.

“Are we okay?” My voice is barely above a whisper
, trying to speak past the lump in my throat.

His response is cold, calculated. “Yep.”

I trace him with my eyes, trying to figure out where he plans to take this game now. Are we back to square one?

“What do you want to do today?” I continue. My voice is embarrassing, almost pleading for him not to do this.

“I’m actually going to hang with my boys today.” He leaves it with that, pushing me away again. I can tell by the coldness of his words, and the lack of emotion he’s emanating toward me. My Alex would never do this, not to me, not after last night.

“Alright. Well, what about tonight?” I’m practically begging him without being on my knees. I knew we would have to part at the end of this trip, but I thought we could do it amicably.

“I’ll be with them most of the night.” He still hasn’t looked up to meet my eyes, completely blowing me off. Maybe I should just get the hint already, but I don’t want to let it go, not like this.

“Alex, what is this?” My throat is thick, the words
hard to get out.

“Nothing. We’re good.” He says, as if nothing is amiss.

He takes the last bite of his bagel and wipes his hands on his pants. Watching him, I lose my appetite. I place my bagel on the table and look out the window to the ocean as the waves lap at the beach. It’s getting harder and harder to get the baseball size lump out of my throat, and I can’t seem to swallow around it anymore; it’s suffocating me. I use the remainder of my strength to keep the tears from my eyes.

Alex stands up
, and I know he’s ready to leave. “I’m going to take off.” He points over his shoulder toward the door. “I’ll see you later.”

My throat is tight, and all I can do is
nod. Meeting his eyes would rip my heart out and throw it in the sand, so I keep them peeled on the calm water, hoping it will help soothe my nerves, but it’s not.

He tosses his garbage in the trash and walks out the door without
so much as a glance in my direction.

As soon as the door closes, I lose it. The tears break loose
and my heart squeezes until I think it will pop in my chest. This feeling is all too familiar. It’s similar to the one I had when they told me Jace died.

We could have parted friends, friends with a great memory shared. Sure
, it would have been hard to let him go, but anything is better than this, the way I’m feeling right now. It’s hard to believe that Alex could just shut me out like I meant nothing to him.

Unless
he really didn’t feel anything. Could he have been playing me this whole time? Was this his type of game to play just to have sex with me? Did he see me as some poor little idiot? I squeeze my eyes tightly together. I don’t want to think about it. Last night meant everything to me, and if it truly meant nothing to Alex, it will crush me. I wipe my tears, wanting to think that his actions are because of the game. That he really does care about me.

Suddenly, my entire body is heavy. I just want to lay
down and never get up again. I toss myself on the bed, pulling the pillow tight against me. Alex’s scent is still embedded in the fabric. I expect tears to stream down my face, but they lay dormant. My heart weighs a thousand pounds, yet I still lay here emotionless, staring at the white walls of what used to be our room.

Chapter Forty-Two

Alex

Making my way to Carlos’s room, my feet are heavy and hard to move. I left my heart and soul back in my room
, and I need to dull this pain. My whole body aches with it, as if I’ve lost someone else I love, to death. These sentiments are all too similar.

I bang on Carlos’s door, but there’s no answer. Standing in a trance outside his door for about ten minutes, it dawns on me
that he’s probably at the pool with those girls. I’d seen him there every day since we arrived.

When I get to the pool, I see Carlos and my gang right away, talking loudly in Spanish to each other and splashing flirty girls with water. He sees me before I reach
him, his face turns from a smile to something serious when he notices my mood. He drops the girl he’s talking to and walks over to me, cutting me off before I can reach the group.

“Que pasa, Alex?” I swallow before I meet his eyes. Carlos knows me better than anyone…
except Jasmine. He can read my face and tell that something’s wrong.

“Nada.” I try to keep my voice hard, but fail.

“Is it Jasmine? Is she alright?”

My eyes snap to him, daring him to say her name again. “Leave it alone, Carlos.” I warn.

“Si. Téngalo su manera.” He holds his hands up in surrender.

We walk over to the rest of the guys
; everyone’s saying hi and telling me that it’s good to finally see me. I pull out the last of my strength and shake hands and throw some signs to let them know I’m glad I’m here as well. No sooner do I sit down, one of the girls Carlos was talking to climbs out of the water and saunters over to me, taking the seat next to mine.

“Hi.
You’re Alex, right? Carlos told me about you. You’re the leader?” I see Carlos has been running his mouth again, and by the way I look at Carlos, he knows I don’t appreciate it.

He tries to intervene. “Hey, Brandy. Mi amigo doesn’t really want company right now. Why don’t you…”

“No. She’s fine.” Brandy could be a nice distraction, especially if Jasmine comes looking for me; I could use her as a blocker. Jasmine would definitely surrender if she thought I was going to be with someone else right after her. I close my eyes and squeeze them tight. I’m in denial that I’m going to be one of
those
guys to her.

Carlos sees it and asks me, “Estás seguro de que todo está bien?” He knows what I’m doing. He has witnessed me push people away since almost everyone I
’ve ever cared for has died.

“Si, mente su propio negocio.” I growl at him. If he reminds me about Jasmine every second, I will never make it through the next twenty-four hours.

Brandy is picking up on the tension in my voice, understanding in my tone that we’re arguing, even though her first language is English. She crosses and uncrosses her long white legs, beginning to feel uncomfortable, but not ready to let me go.

Carlos walks over to the rest of the group and the girl he was talking to earlier. His body language and the contorting mask he’s wearing lets me know I hurt him. He may be a member
of my gang, and I may be the leader, but he’s still my friend; someone who has been there since the beginning of everything, before Marisol, mi papa, Jasmine and Jace. He’s the only friend I will have left after I leave Jasmine behind, and I was just a real hijo de puta.

“Sorry.” I say to Brandy. I can’t afford to lose this distraction; I’m relying on her to keep me sane until I climb aboard that plane. “Things are a little tense today.” She knows I’m the leader of the gang, she assumes that something is wrong within the ranks. For some reason
, this little trick usually helps me keep ladies around. They like the thrill of being with a gang banger.

I can tell it’s working, because she leans into me. “
That’s alright. I don’t mind.” She says in a seductive voice. “What are your plans the rest of the day?”

Going back to my room, taking my novia in my arms, kissing her and telling her I love her
, and that I’m so sorry for everything I’ve just done, especially for what I know I am about to do. I breathe in deep, blow it out, along with all of those thoughts, and ask her, “What do you want them to be?” The girls eat it up; feeling as if they have some kind of control over someone dangerous like me.

Her smile is slow and sexy. It does nothing for me, the excitement I once felt when a hot female comes onto me is nowhere to be found. Instead, flashes of Jasmine bombard me.

“I think Lacey is going to hang out with your friend Carlos tonight. You want to come with?” She leans closer.

“Si.” I tell her, slow and seductive, with a hint of the Navarro charm.

Chapter Forty-Three

Jasmine

After my crying fit, I wipe my eyes and sit up to watch TV.
Maybe he just needs space,
I tell myself. It’s one of the ways I try to rationalize earlier events, even though I know none of it’s true. He’s distancing himself, pushing me away.

I spent all day and part of the night in our room
, partly hoping he would come back, and partly because I couldn’t find the strength to go out in public and actually see people. I’m used to being a recluse, it’s how I deal with loss, how I dealt with the death of Jace and Marisol. I hid in my room, sometimes days at a time.

Family Guy
’s credits begin to roll, when my stomach growls, snarling in protest. The only thing I’ve eaten today was that tasteless bagel, the one Alex brought me for breakfast. There is no pang of hunger, but the noise my stomach makes tells me otherwise. Besides, this is my last night in Hawaii; I shouldn’t spend it in my room.

I rifle through my clothes, looking for something with that extra oomph, something to make me feel special. At the bottom of my bag, I find a sundress that I don’t recognize right away
. It’s white with a halter-top, the bottom has an intricate lacy design. It’s very cute and the longer I stare at it, I realize I have seen it before, when Molly was going through her wardrobe. It was her second day afternoon dress. Guess she didn’t get to wear it after all… but I can.

I pull the dress on and do my makeup. Looking in the full-length mirror along the wall, I
study myself.

The white is so pure it makes my skin glow
, and my bright blue-green eyes seem gigantic. I double check to make sure none of my buckle wounds are showing, and they’re not. The ones closer to my shoulders have healed and dried up from the oceans salt water. Gross, I know. The only ones that are left are the ones in the center of my back, next to my spine, and they are staying covered without a problem.

It’s seven at night, so the sun’s still up but on its way down for the night. The weather is still warm and comfortable outside. I make a plan before leaving the room, so there is no time for a pity
-party. First, I need to find a place to eat, already planning to follow the boardwalk until I find something. Second, I want to walk the beach one more time at night before leaving. The smell at night seems stronger for some reason; it relaxes me, and makes me feel at peace.

I l
eave the room, hating that my mind is still on Alex. He ruined my one night, by not only acting as if nothing happened, but also leaving and avoiding me the entire day after.

I meander my way out into the night air; it caresses me, refreshing me instantly. The smell of the salt water floating through my sinuses makes me smile
, something I wasn’t sure I was capable of accomplishing today.

I head in the direction of the boardwalk, wading through chairs and tables set out by the pool
, and I notice Carlos sitting by the pool. At the sight of him, my heart skips and speeds like a train. If he’s here, Alex must not be far away. I’m not sure if I’m ready to face to him yet.

Evidently, I don’t get the option, because he’s sitting a few chairs over… talking to a brown
haired girl. She’s leaning into him, flirting, acting like a couple, touching his hand and leg when she talks.  

My temper fla
res. She’s touching what belongs to
me
. Well, what I thought belonged to me. My heart swells and tears threaten fall, but I breathe in deep and force myself to keep moving away from him.

I finally find peace about a half mile later. It seems the further away from him I get, the more my sanity returns. I try to regain some self-control and cherish what little time I have left here
; Taking in the sights and breathing in the clean air. As much as I enjoy being alone, it’s times like these that I wish I had more friends, people to share this with. If Jace and Marisol were still here, they would have loved everything about Hawaii.

I stroke the tips of my fingers over Jace’s glass pendent, stopping to look out over the ocean at the setting sun. The bright reds, oranges, pinks,
and yellows swirl in the sky. “I wish you were here with me.” I tell him, meaning every word.

At this moment, I am utterly alone. I have no one. Sure, I have Dad and
Grandma, and I love them, but I have no one just for me. Suddenly, I’m not as hungry as I once was, my appetite gone.

Deciding to take my walk early, I head down the boardwalk, enjoying the setting sun. This is much better than some little restaurant. Food would taste like cardboard right about now
, anyway. Getting an itch, I decide to take my sandals off and walk out next to the waves.

The water flows over my toes, warm like a bath. I drift down the beach for a couple of hours,
when I spy a couple surfers in the waves. My mind replays surfing with Alex.

I’m not paying much attention to the people that w
ander out of the water and onto the beach, at least not until one of them calls my name.

“Jasmine, right?” The Hawaiian accent catches my attention.

“Hi.” I say to Guy, my surf instructor as he approaches. A smile finds my lips easily. I had a blast learning to surf, and did fairly well for my first time, if I do say so myself. “Was that you out there surfing?”
Duh, Jasmine
. I do a mental face palm.

“Yeah, catching a few waves before dark. What are you doing out here by yourself?” He asks, as he comes closer. His skin is glistening
in the remaining sun, ocean water trickling over every surface. His muscles move with every stride, and his surfboard is tucked under his arm; he’s also wearing a big, warm grin.

“I’m just out for a walk. It’s our last night here,
so I refuse to sit inside and waste it.” I pause for a second. “So, how are the waves tonight?”
What? Now you think you’re a professional surfer.

“They’re a little flat, but it’s always nice to sit out on the ocean. Where’s your friend?”

Friend? It was pretty obvious that Alex and I were more than just friends. Guy is hitting on me, I realize.
Let the games begin.
If Alex wants to play, I can find a way to have a good time too. I would actually appreciate the company to help me pass my last night here. At least tomorrow, we can leave, and I will not be stuck on this damn Island with Alex any longer.

“He’s hanging out with his friends tonight. I felt like a walk, so here I am.” I lift my hands up
to shoulder height and shrug.

“Cool. I’m done here
, so can I dry off and walk you home?” Guy is nice; he’s not expecting anything to happen.

“Please. That would be nice. I could use a little company right about now.” I only now realize that we are on the beach in front of the surf shop.

He trots over to the door, puts his board inside and grabs a towel. He dries his hair and body, then tosses a tank top on and runs back over to me.

“You ready?” He closes most of the distance between us, leaving only a foot of space.

“Yes. Thank you for the offer to walk with me.” I say, as we begin to walk back toward the hotel.

The conversation between Guy and I is never lagging. Turns out, he is also
a high school senior, working at the surf shop for extra cash. We talked about our schools and how they differ from one another; surprisingly, they have similar curriculums.

Once we reach the hotel, we have to walk around the bar by the pool to get to the lobby. The place is unexpectedly packed for a hotel poolside bar, I notice
as I scan the area, and that’s when I see him. The same dark haired girl leaning back against a pillar, Alex’s hand placed next to the side of her head, leaning toward her.

He sees me at the same moment I see him
, and I want to vomit as I watch him hang all over her like that. Our eyes hold for longer than I wish they would. I would say the heaving in my chest had stopped the beating of my heart, but clearly, I’m still alive.

Surprising myself, I
break contact and walk toward the lobby, not missing a beat. Guy’s hand lands gently on my lower back to guide me through some of the tables.

Alex is the first one to look away, only to lean into the dark haired girl and kiss her full on the lips.

I’m thankful I can tear my gaze away without any real emotion playing on my face, even though my insides are barely alive with the beating they’d just received.

Once we reach the elevators, I turn to thank Guy for walking me home.

“Thank you, Guy. It was really nice to have met you, and thank you so much for the awesome surf lessons. It will be one of my best memories here.” I try to put on the smile he deserves, but it’s definitely forced.

“You’re more than welcome.” He steps into me and for a moment, I think he might kiss me
, but he only grabs my hand and kisses the top of it. “Thank you, for letting me walk you home.”

He makes me blush. “Good night.” I tell him and step into the elevator.