After The Rabbit (Waldo Rabbit Series) (14 page)

“I killed your imp.”

“I know, but it took you quite a while. I was able to learn many things in the meantime. I congratulate you on acquiring an ogre. You’ve taken two Great Monsters on your First Quest. I admit the feat is very impressive.”

“Thank you, Grandfather.”

“Then, you used your familiars to rescue children and return them to their homes. Truly something a White Mage would do.”

Damn it. How embarrassing.
“I had my reasons.”

“What might they have been? I would have just eaten them. It’s not as if children are worth raising as undead. If I were still alive, I would have taken them as slaves. Why did you return them?”

Waldo was not about to admit Alice forced him into it. “I did it to maintain my disguise as a White Mage and spread tales about them. In any case, there are no slave markets in this country. Keeping a herd of unruly children would be inconvenient.”

The jaw bone lowered, and there was a hollow laugh. “You are a poor liar, my grandson.”

Yes, something I really need to work on
. “Maybe I am pretending to be a bad liar in order to misdirect you.”

“No, you are truly bad at it. I have much experience with liars. It is well you will never be the head of family. Lying and seeing through the lies of others is an important part of it.”

“Was there a specific reason you wanted to speak to me, Grandfather? Or was it only to mock me?”

“Oh, I don’t mean to insult you. Truthfully, you have done better than I’d expected. I am beginning to enjoy the hunt. I merely contacted you to ask what you expect to find in Norwich.”

“We aren’t going to Norwich,” Waldo said immediately.

The skull shook from side to side. “Didn’t my daughter teach you anything at all about deception? Even if she never thought you would be heir, she should have at least covered the basics.”

“We are not going anywhere near Norwich. I knew your imp was there and fed you false information.”

“I know where you are going due to your travels the last few days. Your destination is obvious.”

Waldo really wished he had a local map so he could name off some other village or town in the area. “Fine, we are going to Norwich, but it’s simply to gather supplies. It’s not as though anything special is there.”

The skull smiled. “One more lie.”

“Goodbye, Grandfather.
Nunc
.” He spoke the word of negation, breaking the spell.

As the image faded, the archlich got the last word in. “I look forward to visiting you in Norwich.”

Gronk was shaking his head and looking on sympathetically. “The chat didn’t go very well, did it, Master?”

“You know, darling, maybe from now on you should avoid talking with anyone or anything that wants to kill you. At the very least, you should let me handle it.”

Chapter 11

A Pretty, Pretty Girl

A
dozen men on horseback spread out along the road, looking into the woods on either side. Eleven wore chainmail and iron helmets and had either swords or axes. Their leader was in plate armor and carried a lance, as well as a broadsword.

One of the common soldiers nudged his horse and trotted to the knight’s side.

“This is a werbil chase if you ask me, Sir Preston. Bunch of stupid villagers making up a crazy story. A White Mage traveling with an ogre and some beautiful woman?” He gave a shake of his head. “If you ask me we might as well go home.”

“No one asked you, Sergeant. The duke told us to search and so that is what we’ll do.”

“Yes, sir, I beg pardon.” The sergeant bent his neck and turned his horse around.

After a few more minutes, the knight spurred his mount down the road, and the others followed.

XXX

From their hiding spot in the woods, Waldo, Alice, and Gronk watched them go. He was definitely relieved, fighting twelve well-armed men on horseback would have been much harder than dealing with a pair of goblins. Though potentially, it would have been a chance to fulfill the second part of his quest by defeating a knight.

“It would seem those villagers back in Peabody weren’t exaggerating,” Waldo said. “The attitude towards monsters seems more severe here than it was in Stratford or Middleton. I suppose you being an ogre might have something to do with it.”

“Humans are so petty,” Gronk lisped in annoyance. “You eat some of them, and they never get over it.”

“You mean as a race, right?” Alice asked. “You haven’t eaten any yourself, have you, Gronk?”

The ogre gave a shrug. “Maybe four or five.”

Alice stared at him, mouth agape.

“What? They were already dead. Not eating them would have been wasteful. Anyway their skins taste sooooooooo good.”

“I really need to learn to stop asking questions.”

“Get my backpack, Gronk,” Waldo said. “I need to study a spell.”

XXX

The three of them remained hidden for the hour or so Waldo spent reading. He was going over some of the spells he had acquired from Roger. As with all the other schools of magic Waldo had studied Illusion back home. Illusionary magic was not viewed as especially valuable. It was actually seen as being less useful than healing. It was a tool for decoration and vanity, of no real importance.

The main problem with illusion was it only had real worth when dealing with mundanes. Mages could sense enchantments, so they were almost never fooled. Waldo was reminded of his own experience with the hedgewizard Roger. Worse, most mages could dispel illusions with ease.
Hopefully we don’t run into any.

When Waldo was satisfied, he shut his spellbook and took out his wand. “Gronk, I’m going to cast an illusion on you so you will appear human.”

“You’re going to turn me into a cute little human? Really, Master?” Gronk clasped his hands and began twisted from side to side. “Now I can finally talk to the guys and not have them run away.”

“I am not changing you into an actual human, Gronk. Doing so would require polymorphication, a deep magic far beyond my means. I will simply cast an illusion on you to make you appear human. Your body will remain exactly the same. Nothing but your image will change.”

“So I get to look like a human but still be an ogre? Win!”

“I am glad you are so enthusiastic. Stand still. “
Illusio est imaginem falsam para est illusio
.”

The tip of Waldo’s wand glowed. So did the outline of Gronk’s form. The ogre began to shrink, and his skin color changed. To the naked eye, his entire body warped and twisted. After a short moment, Gronk appeared to be “only” about six and a half feet tall. Rather than pea green, his flesh was dark bronze. He had greasy, uncombed black hair covering the top of his head and a caterpillar-like unibrow above his eyes. There was a wide, bulbous nose and a square jar. Running down the length of the right side of his face was an ugly half-healed scar. More scars and burns splashed his bare chest and thighs. Adorning his shoulders was a lion's pelt which draped over his back, running down to his calves. Mix matched furs wrapped about his hips, draping to the tops of his thighs. Boots made of similar fur adorned his feet and ankles.

Waldo smiled, feeling well satisfied. “Perfect. You look like a barbarian right from the plains of Tarsus or Scythia. Not as intimidating as an ogre, but as much as you could hope for from a human.”

Gronk looked over his arms and the rest of his body. “I got little.”

“By human standards, you still appear huge. In any case, you remain the same size and weight as before.”

“My skin is an ugly color.”

“You’ll get used to it.”

“I want to see what my face looks like.”

“Hold on.” Alice opened her backpack and dug through it. She pulled out the cook pan. “Here you are.”

Gronk took it from her. The bottom was polished well enough to give a clouded reflection. Gronk angled it until he was able to see his new face. He stared into the pan, moving his face from side to side, smiling, frowning, baring teeth, making his eyebrows go up and down, and even playing with his ears and nose. Eventually the ogre tossed the pan aside. “No, it doesn’t work for me.”

“I know from your perspective it is strange, but you’ll get used to looking human.”

“Not the problem, Master. I am all right with looking human. I don’t want to be a man.”

“What?”

Gronk put his hands on his hips and began to swing them around in a circular motion meant, Waldo assumed, to be seductive. It came off as creepy.

“I want to be a girl, a pretty, pretty girl.”

Both of Waldo’s eyebrows jumped. Of all the things he ever expected to hear come from an ogre’s mouth, that was definitely not one of them.

“Why?”

“I just want to know what it feels like to have lots of men want me.”

“Trust me, Gronk,” Alice said. “It’s not so great. They never stop at looking. They always want to touch.”

Gronk giggled. “I don’t mind.”

Waldo shut his eyes and rubbed his temples.
Why do the Dark Powers hate me so?

“Gronk, you can’t be the attractive woman. I already have one of those.”

“Thanks, darling. Nice to know I’m appreciated.”

“What I mean is I have roles for each of you. Alice is the one who is going to be charming and seductive and win people over. I want you to be intimidating, to make people think twice about causing me any sort of trouble. Looking like a savage from beyond the Inner Sea is perfect for the task.”

“Why can’t I be the cute one, and she be the scary one? I mean she has the personality for it and all.”

Alice immediately punched him in the arm. Hard. “Hey! I am not scary!”

“No, honey, you’re a joy.” Gronk rubbed his arm. “Let me guess… it’s that time of the month isn’t it?”

She punched him again, harder.

“See? Scary!”

At this point Waldo thought for the hundredth time his life would be much easier if he had only gotten the contracts right. Familiars were supposed to obey without question. You weren’t supposed to have to negotiate with them.

“Gronk,” Waldo said, trying to sound patient. “Alice is a succubus. It wouldn’t make sense to place an illusion on her to make her appear ugly. It would be a waste of resources. As I keep trying to explain to you, the illusion doesn’t affect what you really are. What do you think will happen the first time a man actually tries to grope you?”

“I’ll tell him he needs to buy me dinner first, and I like kissing.”

The mention of kissing brought back memories. Waldo felt the urge to start spitting as he recalled what an ogre’s kiss was actually like. “My point is he will feel the body of an ogre instead of that of a maiden. Which would cause all sorts of problems. Believe me, this is the best solution.”

Gronk crossed his arms over his chest and dug in both heels. “I don’t care. I want to be a girl.”

“Gronk…”

“I said I want to be a girl, girl, girl!” He emphasized the point by slamming a foot down with each “girl.”

“Fine,” Waldo snapped. “Then I’ll make you a girl.
Illusio est imaginem falsam para est illusio
.”