Aftershocks (21 page)

He sounded odd when I answered the phone.

“What’s up, Eeyore?” I asked, trying to counter his mood with cheerfulness and a joke.

“Can I come over?” he deadpanned, not playing into my joke. He didn’t give any explanation as to why, but he seemed so driven to do it that I didn’t question him.

“Sure.”

“Okay, I’l be there soon.”

Feeling slightly confused, I went downstairs to unlock the front door, so he could let himself in. He walked into my room twenty minutes later with a strange look on his face, so I knew I wasn’t dreaming when I’d thought he sounded down.

“What’s wrong?”

He must have realized that I could read him pretty wel, since his face changed and he said, “Nothing. I just wanted to see you. The game ended and everyone was talking about going to a party at Josh Pierce’s house. I didn’t feel like going out tonight, but I didn’t want to be alone.”

“What about Alexis?” I inquired, hoping that she wasn’t aware of where her boyfriend was at that moment, but also wondering if he knew where she was.

“I guess she went out. I don’t realy know,” he said, shrugging his shoulders in defeat. I could sense the irritation in his voice and wondered if they’d gotten in another fight.

“Do you mind if we just watch TV?” he asked. “I’m in the mood to do something mindless.”

“Sure. We can do whatever you want.”

He sat down next me on my bed, and we settled on a show. I tried to focus, but it became clear that Connor was not realy in the mood to sit stil, so I spent more time watching him than the TV. He was more fidgety than I’d ever seen him.

“Okay, what is up with you tonight?” I asked, turning to face him.

He’d just come back from getting a soda. It was the fifth time he’d gotten up since we’d sat down thirty minutes earlier.

“Nothing,” he said, turning to look at me.

“Bulshit,” I said, caling him out in a teasing sort of way.

He looked like he was in pain al of a sudden, which made me feel bad for responding the way I had. He was obviously not in a joking mood. I wondered if Alexis had done something.

“Alexis and I got in huge fight.”

“What happened?” I asked, trying to muster up enough concern when in reality I was doing a freakin’ little happy dance in my head.

Yeah, I know that was shitty of me, but I was being sort of selfish in that moment.

He sighed. “I heard something about her, so I confronted her. She denied everything, but I don’t know what to think. I just told her I thought we should take a break. I need some time to think.”

“What did you hear?” I asked, wondering which of the many stories someone had shared with him and simultaneously wondering if they would break-up.

“Someone was talking about that guy Colin that you dated, and they said that while you were dating him, he slept with Alexis,” Connor said, and I bit my lip.

“Okay,” I said, thinking he was justified in his concern.

“I need to know. Did she sleep with him – while you were dating him?”

I appraised him for a moment, seeing the amount of pain in his eyes and realized I had a choice. I could lie and spare his feelings, or I could tel him the truth. If I did that, he would be crushed, and I definitely didn’t want that, but I couldn’t lie to him.

“You need to ask her that, Connor,” I said, opting out or at least buying myself some time.

“I already did, so now I’m asking you,” he said, and I was stuck again.

I sighed. “I honestly don’t know. She swore for a year that she didn’t sleep with him, but then last week, when you guys were in the shop, she told me she did, but she was also assuming I’d slept with you, so she could have been lying to get back at what she thought I’d done to her. I don’t know if I believe her.”

“We didn’t sleep together,” he said, as if it was me who thought we had.

“Yeah, I know. I was there.”

“Why does she think we slept together?”

“Because she thinks I’m trying to steal you from her,” I said, realizing Connor was out of the loop on Alexis’s feelings about our friendship. “When you didn’t get home until late last Saturday night, she assumed I’d given you a nice little birthday present.”

“Great,” he said, then leaned back against the headboard and stared up at the ceiling. I figured it was safe to assume that Alexis hadn’t asked him the same question as she’d asked me about how we’d spent his birthday. “So she told you last week that she slept with Colin?”

I nodded. “Yeah, but it’s not like she cheated on anyone
she
was dating. It’s not like she would cheat on you.”

I knew assuming this was a long shot, but if it made him happy, then I’d use it in that moment. Alexis had cheated on several boyfriends in the past.

He sat up and stared at me, incredulous. “But if she did sleep with him, that’s a pretty shitty thing to do to you. You were her friend.”

Oh, if only you knew all the other shitty things she’d done to me.

“Yeah, but it al happened at pretty much the end of our friendship. We’d been growing apart al year. It was just inevitable, so whether she slept with Colin or not, it didn’t change anything.”

“It stil sucks,” he said.

“Yeah, wel, sometimes your friends treat you like shit, and then you’re not friends anymore. It happens. I’m okay with it. Besides, I have you. And Nicky and Luke and Wyatt. I have al the friends I need.”

He smiled at me, and then he did the thing I least expected him to do. He leaned over and kissed me, his ful lips pressing against mine.

I was so taken aback that I didn’t kiss him back right away. I just sat there, shocked.

“Um,” I said, when he puled away.

“I’m sorry,” he said, but it didn’t sound sincere. Then he reached out and put his hand on my waist, puling me closer, his gaze penetrating me. It felt like he was staring right into my soul.

“I hate that she hurt you,” he said then, and I wondered how much he hate it if he knew she didn’t just stop at sex with Colin Gregory.

“You’re the sweetest person, Abby. I don’t know why she would do that to you. I don’t understand.”

I closed my eyes, fighting back the urge to tel him everything. I hated that I was keeping things from him, but I couldn’t do it. He was hurting enough in that moment, and the last thing I wanted to do was add to that pain.

Connor leaned forward and kissed the spot right below my closed left eye, letting his lips linger there for a few seconds. “You’re always there for me when I need you,” he said, his lips stil against my skin.

He moved so his forehead was resting on mine. We were so close, our eyes locked on each other when I opened mine.

“Connor,” I murmured, not sure what to say to him. We were crossing into dangerous territory, and we both knew it.

“I don’t think you understand how much I count on you, Abby, how much I need you, and how much I care about our friendship.

You’re so important to me.”

I didn’t have an opportunity to respond. Before I knew what was happening, he was kissing me, and I was kissing him back, and it was everything I’d imagined it would be when I envisioned us kissing a thousand times.

His kisses were soft at first, then more urgent, hungry. His arms wrapped around me, puling me against him, his arms holding my tightly as his mouth explored mine. Our legs intertwined together like a pretzel, and my hands went into his hair, holding him in place.

Kissing Connor was like kissing no one else. I fel into him, got lost in his ful lips, the blood rushing to my head, making me dizzy and elated al at the same time. I forgot that what we were doing was wrong, that I should stop it. I surrendered to the feelings I’d fought for so long as they took over, drawing me closer and closer to what I wanted most.

When Connor finaly puled back, he looked at me, staring into my eyes. He was out of breath but smiled as he worked to even his breathing. He leaned his damp forehead against mine.

“You’re the kind of girl I could fal in love with,” he whispered, so softly that I almost didn’t hear him. His lips caught mine again before I could respond.

As much as those words should have been sweet and meaningful, I could hear the fear and regret behind them. I didn’t know where it was coming from. What was he so afraid of?

I hated that he’d ruined the moment by saying that, and I knew then and there as he kissed me again and again, that what we were doing wasn’t going anywhere beyond that night. I knew in my heart that he would go back to Alexis, but stil I couldn’t push him away.

Instead I dove in headfirst, hoping that in the light of day he would see things differently.

The next time I opened my eyes I could see the sunlight was pouring in my window. The clock by my bed read 10:10. I roled over to face away from the sun, and my heart nearly stopped when I saw Connor lying next to me. What had transpired in the middle of the night came flooding back to me in that moment.

We had kissed for what seemed like hours until Connor had puled back, smiled at me and puled me close to him. His arms wrapped around me, and I felt myself drifting off to sleep, as I inhaled his clean, sweet scent and buried my head against his bare chest. The last thing I remembered was him kissing the top of my head and squeezing me close to him, the feeling of being completely safe and at ease with someone the only thought in my head.

In the light of a new day, elation, panic, worry and the thril of what had happened al came at me at once, a barrage of emotions that I was il-equipped to deal with. My last thought before everything exploded was not remorse for what I’d done. It was, ‘I hope he doesn’t regret it’. His words to me the night before resonated over and over in my mind.

Connor’s cel phone suddenly began to play the familiar AM Taxi song he had as his ringtone. I turned to look at him again. His phone had woken him up. As he opened his eyes, they locked with mine. He froze, a look of panic on his face. He bolted up, looking around, trying to familiarize himself with his surroundings. Then he looked back at me.

“Shit! Oh shit!” he said, putting his head in his hands.

As I watched him intently, afraid to say anything, I puled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around my legs, as if to provide some sort of comfort. If I hadn’t known before, I knew in that moment that he regretted everything that had happened between us.

He looked over at me again, closed his eyes once and shook his head. “Last night?” he asked, and I could tel his head was stil cloudy with sleep. “That realy happened, didn’t it?”

I nodded once but didn’t say anything.

“Shit!” he said again.

There it was – the regret. It had woken up with us.

I roled my eyes at his dramatics, as I threw the covers off and stalked into the bathroom, closing the door behind me. He must have realized he’d upset me since the next thing I heard was soft knocking on the bathroom door.

“Abbs, are you okay?”

“Screw you, Connor,” I spat back.

I took a deep breath and looked at myself in the mirror. I was stil wearing my jeans, but my shirt had gone missing. Thankfuly I stil had my bra on. My hair was disheveled and my eye make-up smudged.

God, I was so stupid. How could I have been so careless? I knew it. I knew what we’d done wouldn’t change anything, and yet, I’d done it anyway. I’d been selfish and stupid and reckless, and now I was going to have to pay for it.

I knew it was wrong of me to be mad at Connor. I was as much to blames as he was. I could have stopped him at any time but I hadn’t. I’d held onto the teeny-tiny chance that something would change overnight, and he’d suddenly want to be with me. I was such an idiot. Thank God I didn’t sleep with him.

“Abby, I’m sorry. Wil you please come out,” Connor asked through the door. “We need to talk.”

I ignored him and bent down to wash my face. I took a minute to comb through my hair with my fingers before putting it up in a messy bun on top of my head and brushed my teeth, buying time before I had to go out and face him. With any luck he’d take the hint and just leave, but I knew I wouldn’t be that lucky.

When I emerged, he was sitting on my bed, holding his phone in his lap. I grabbed a sweatshirt from the floor and yanked it over my head before taking a seat in my desk chair. I faced him, crossing my arm, putting up a defensive stance. I was preparing myself for the onslaught of whatever he had to say, and I knew it wouldn’t be good.

His phone rang again, but he hit the ignore button to silence it.

“You can answer that.”

“It can wait,” he said, as he put his phone in his pocket.

We had a staring contest for a minute, neither of wanting to talk first. Finaly Connor spoke up. “I’m sorry,” he said, and I almost wanted laugh.

His apologies meant nothing to me. He’d known what he was doing the night before, and the fact that he regretted it just pissed me off.

Yes, I was also to blame, and I could have stopped him, but at the end of the day he’d kissed me first.

I sighed. “I know you are,” I said, wanting to lash out at him, but almost feeling too exhausted to do so. “I just think it’s a little late for that.”

I’d didn’t want to have this fight with him. As much as I’d wanted to kiss him, wanted him to like me, I knew it wasn’t going to happen.

I could see it on his face. I’d known it when I’d kissed him. We’d gotten caught up in the moment, and now I needed to help him see the break. I needed to let him go. We could hash out what happened and why we did it and what it meant, but in the end, I was stil going to lose. It wasn’t worth it.

“I just–” he started to say, but I put my hand up to stop him.

“No. I don’t want to talk about.”

“I think we should,” he said, stubbornly.

“Okay,” I said, haughtily. “Let’s talk, but first, I think you should answer a few questions for me. One. Do you like me as more than a friend? Two. Do you regret hooking up last night? Three. Are you going to back to Alexis, because I know that was her on the phone?”

“Abbs,” he said, and I could tel he was going to plead with me.