Ahab's Wife (51 page)

B
EFORE
I
WENT
into the cabin, I circled to my mother's root cellar, knowing it brimmed with the bounty of our autumn harvest. The snow reflected the moonlight so well that I scarcely felt it was night. But when I reached the place, the wooden door was broken. Perhaps a bear had found a palatial den there. But no, this was the work of men. The bounty hunters? Earlier thieves? They had not left enough food to see me through till spring. The shelves had been ravaged by deft hands with opposable thumbs. A few things were broken—a jar of cucumber pickles, an overturned barrel of dried corn. And there were the fresh droppings of raccoons who were taking advantage of the spill. Yes, I had seen their star-shaped tracks in the snow outside.

Some items had been left. A sack of pumpkin seeds, two jugs of cider, a burlap bag of dried shelly beans. The moonlight reflected eerily into the cave through the broken door. I found a jam cake deep in a keg of sugar. The spuds were all gone into thieving pockets. I determined to transport as much of the leavings as I could to the cabin.

As I lugged my basket up the slope to the house, I began taking mental inventory of what should be quickly eaten and what would serve me well while I waited for spring and the first hoot of a steamboat on the river. I knew the cabin itself was full of food that the neighbors had sent home with me after the funeral. My treasure was a large smoked gift ham. Bits of that, simmered with the shelly beans, would see me through. The cow and chickens my mother had sent to board at a neighbor's, but I could claim some milk and eggs.

Though it was bad luck to find the root cellar looted, it immediately challenged me to try to be clever, to calculate how to survive without begging. And of course the neighbors, knowing that I had no way to visit them, save walking, would come from time to time. Likely they had worked out a schedule among themselves. And each would come with some gift of food that would add surprise and variety to my table. What to do with my loneliness? Even before I gained the cabin, I decided: I would read.

T
HAT NIGHT
, I did read a bit. I read Byron for his naughty wit. But the rimes rang dull as lead coins. I tried Words worth—but those lines had been too loved, by Giles and me, by my mother and me. “In vacant or in pensive mood…” But my heart did not dance with the daffodils. I turned the book over and stared into the flames. I thought of Susan dancing in a wheel of fire. Was I in the realm of memory or imagination? I heated cider and added to it a large teaspoon of the whiskey. Certainly I would not drink it by the cup again! I loaded the popper with kernels and held it close to the fire. The first tiny explosions seemed as hollow as they had once seemed joyful and convivial. O, the loneliness of that little thudding. But I ate the popcorn anyway. The fire had been too high, and much of it was burnt black. Such a long day, but I did not want it to end.

I wondered if Susan had found shelter in a barn or sighted smoke curling from a chimney. I had told her to look for Quaker people, somber and neat in their dress, said that they were sympathetic to slaves. I did not tell her that on Nantucket their sympathy did not extend to worshiping with people of color. In the Precious-bag was a slip of paper on which I had written my address. And she could use the money I'd given her to buy shelter if she found a town and an inn that would admit her. But tonight, she likely would walk a long way till she found a safe house, for some folk across the river would return a runaway for the reward.

I took a hot brick to bed with me so that I would feel less alone. There, though my toes burned, the grief for my mother and my baby washed over me like a cold tide. The tears ran from my eyes until I fell asleep. When I awoke, I awoke crying.

I hadn't known people could do that.

 

I
MADE MYSELF
sassafras tea, and I warmed up a pot of grits that a neighbor had left. I put a pat of butter in the center of my bowl and poured maple syrup over that. It was good, but when I reached the bottom of the bowl, I cried again.

 

M
Y DAYS
were spent that way, with sudden bursts of tears. I gave in to them. The rocking chair became my place to cry. When the tears
came, I hurried to the chair, covered myself with a quilt, rocked, and gave myself up to tears. These emotional storms had a natural duration, and when the time had passed, I arose, folded the quilt, left it in the chair seat, and set myself some useful task. When I grew weary, either in body or in spirit, of work, I permitted myself diversion. Shakespeare was the best, for his was a highly peopled world, and I had more than a plenty of vacant nature by opening the cabin door. Yet when Cecilia Packrode through the snow to visit and invited me to come home with her, I refused.

I found diversion in the light, magical worlds of
A Midsummer Night's Dream
and
The Tempest
. When I tried to read
Lear,
the love between parent and child broke my heart. Perhaps my mother, trapped under the buggy, raged against the storm: “Blow, winds, and crack your cheeks.” No. I knew that her thinking would have more resembled prayer than imprecation, and that her prayer would have been that I be safely delivered. She would have gone to sleep gently, her head on a pillow of snow.

And the women in Shakespeare who impersonated men! I had done that, too. Perhaps I had stepped so easily into the idea from having read him. The image of my aunt and my mother swashbuckling in the attic—Agatha and Bertha younger than I had been boarding the
Sussex
—wounded me, presented my mother's space as vacancy.

I commenced a long letter to Margaret Fuller raising the question of to what extent we modeled our lives from our reading. Remembering the story told by my Nantucket judge—I had almost forgotten Austin Lord—about the effect of
Young Werther
on the young people of Europe, I raised the question of an author's moral obligation. Surely Shakespeare had felt it, for in each of the tragedies, though the stage be littered with bodies, there was left some idea of order or hope, or the memory of some transcendent act. For Lear, it had been the rekindling of his love for Cordelia, that love rising from the ashes of remorse. Somehow they had triumphed, even in prison, because of the exchange of love between them.

And if one wrote for American men a modern epic, a quest, and it ended in death and destruction, should such a tale not have its redemptive features? Was it not possible instead for a human life to end in a sense of wholeness, of harmony with the universe? And how might a woman live such a life?

When I switched from thinking of literature to life, I abandoned the idea of capturing any idea worth communicating to Margaret. I simply stared into the fire and decided to eat something sweet. Could the narration of pain, and of what had been of sustaining value in difficult times, be in itself redeeming?

When I had languished in the whaleboat, I looked at the sky aglitter with stars and wondered if some other soul—a girl like myself—looked out into the darkness and wondered about me. Now I thought of Susan, probably still walking, but free now. Looking for her happiness. I rocked and stared into the fire.

So I struggled through my days. At the end of one week, it being Christmas Eve, I thought that perhaps I would have some neighborly visitor, but it snowed again. I noticed the thick blanket of snow so enwrapped the cabin that it was warmer inside, and I need not burn so much wood to keep it so. I began to feel like an animal in its burrow. Furiously, I read Shakespeare to feel that people yet lived and breathed in the world. Though I had cried out to him, my Ahab seemed but a myth.

I pictured him not with a lance but sitting in his captain's cabin with a shepherd's crook. The God of the Old Testament, reduced to human terms, might resemble my Ahab. Unreal Ahab had brought me a rich house and left me in it, and a babe within me. Why then was I here in the snowy woods of Kentucky, and where was my babe? A year ago at Christmas, Kit had pissed on my skirt. Not far away a piano had played carols.

I turned from Shakespeare—the plots ensnared me—to my father's Bible, to the poetry of the Psalms. Only those songs soothed my loneliness. “The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures…. He restoreth my Soul.” Those words, that song, that, only that, promised redemption, the restoring of my soul.

And what of that promised Messiah of the Old Books, promised to be born the very next day?

What is the Lord?
my still, small, skeptical voice questioned in the snapping of the fire. I wondered if I was sick, so fevered, so convoluted was my thinking. The Lord seemed to be Hope—not Faith. Susan's Jesus was her hope. But she had said the best name of the Lord was Love.

No. I am the Lord,
said the fire,
this small spark, this undulant tongue, as much as the psalmist who could sing “The Lord is my shepherd.”

We are the Lord,
the quiet logs emanated in their brownness from the enclosing walls.

I am the Lord,
spoke the radish, lying long-tailed on the thick china plate.

How could the material world, the world we consumed, claim divinity or even kinship with humankind? I felt amused and smug in my whimsy.
Beauty is the permeable membrane:
I was startled, unprepared. Who spoke?

No one, no
thing,
spoke again.

“Jesus, our Brother, strong and good,” the old Christmas carol titled “The Friendly Beasts” hummed semi-wordless to me from the bed of memory, “was humbly born in a stable rude. / The Friendly Beasts around him stood, / Jesus, our Brother, strong and good.” And the bramble bush that I imagined had caught on Susan's coat as she pushed northward; with its sharp thorn it, too, claimed to partake. And the forehead of the black whale swimming toward us malevolently.
Am I not a beast, a brother?
I turned away—
And what were you to those you devoured?
—away from that question, quickly, quickly. And completely.

Yes, the simple song was right, not the fanatical preachers. Poetry told the truth, not polemic. Jesus was our Brother, and in our human kinship was our salvation. I rocked my chair toward that idea, for Christmas Eve in Kentucky. The song did not claim more. It did not ask to be believed—these fantasized animals “under some good spell” presenting their gifts of cows' hay and sheep's wool. The Christmas story asked to be imagined—never mind belief—and with imagining came the capacity for compassion.

Ah, the dove: the last gift—Aunt Agatha's verse to sing when we created our makeshift Christmas holidays, a green swag pinned to the stony tower. But why did she have my mother's voice? “I, sang the dove, from the rafters high, I cooed him to sleep that he should not cry…. I cooed him to sleep on Christmas morn.” When my father died, Aunt Agatha had taken me like a giant baby into her lap. My mother, my child—lost—how much more I needed my aunt. I sang to myself, in a low, speaking register, there being no one there to sing to me.

Yes,
the poet of the Christmas song whispered to me in the silence at the end—the singing, the telling—
yes, you have guessed my meaning,
or part of it—how life can be celebrated and can be given rest.
How else is life made real, but by story and song and fiery dance?

M
Y REVERIE
by the snapping fire ended with a knock at the door. When I tried to push it open, I found the load of snow so heavy against it that I could not.

“Pull,” I called to my visitor, who heard me, for the boards registered a jerking.

“Together,” I said, “on three.” I counted and I pushed and the person pulled, and the door flew open.

There was no one there, just the bare place, a fan shape, carved in nearly four feet of drifted snow.

“Are you behind the door?” I asked, and I peeked around. Again no one stood there. But there was a movement under the snow. The force of the opening had knocked the visitor down and buried him completely. Where I saw the most movement and determined a head to be, I began to part the snow with my hands.

What I found in the snow was fur—animal fur—and the black leather snout of a wolf emerged, followed by blank vacancies where eyes should have been! And then I saw a swale of human hair. The snow was churning with his movements to free himself. I stepped back. From within the snow, into the clear space before the door burst the bounty hunter, the dwarf who had covered his head and shoulders with a wolf skin. His face was plastered with snow, and snow caked his beard and the fur of his cloak; but it could be no other. Snowman, wolf-at-my-door, wolf-man, his eyes were there, amber, almost golden. Kind.

“Come in,” I said.

He laid his pelt before the fire. Under that he wore another jacket.

I indicated my rocking chair, and he climbed up in it. His short legs
stuck out like a child's toward the fire. He briskly rubbed his knees and shins with his hands. “This feels good.”

Without asking, I took the kettle from the hob and poured him a cup of tea. Wolf or man, he was my first guest in many days. I unwrapped the jam cake and cut a fine wedge for him. I had no idea what to say to him. I listened to the slight rocking of the chair, curved wood stroking boards. Finally, he broke the quiet.

“You lost your baby?”

I was shocked by his directness, but the cabin had but one room, and it was clear we were alone. I nodded.

“And your mama?”

“The buggy turned over. Probably the mare was too difficult. My mother was killed.” I had mentioned to the bounty hunters that my mother was away to fetch the doctor.

“You're pretty snug here, all the same.”

“Yes.” I felt an odd shyness with this man. He had led the pack out of the house. He had seemed to restrain their brutality. He and the Scotsman.

“I done put my donkey in your barn.”

“A donkey?” I sat down in the ladder-back chair to listen.

“I bought myself a donkey with the bounty money. My legs are too short to walk all the way home. I didn't want no animal too large to handle.”

“The bounty money?” I felt afraid. “But you didn't—”

“Una—” he said. He knew my name. “I did and I didn't.”

He reached in his pocket and drew out a silver thimble. The yarn in the tip was gone.

“The others gave up. I had give up, too. I saw her entirely by accident. She was crossing a snowfield in Ohio, an old cornfield at the base of a hump of a hill. When you see a lone black woman like that—surely lost, traveling light—you wonder. And so I began to track her. I never knew it was Susan.”

“Susan!”

“I sure to God hoped she would not climb that there hill. The snow was deep on the windward side, and it was purgatory to me to have to mount that hill. But she sees me out in the field. She knows I'm after her. Though my legs are short, hers were tired. I knew she saw that I would overtake her, and there was no place to hide. The hill
was just a snow-covered hump. A nuisance in the landscape. But she struggled on. I saw she wanted to gain the top before I caught her. That was what she was trying for, only that.”

“No,” I murmured. “No.”

“She actually waits for me at the top. Then she says, ‘Little white man, let me buy my freedom.' I asked, ‘How much do you got?' She opened a little bag on a string around her neck. ‘I've never counted money,' she said.

“But I saw it was enough. ‘Anyway,' I say, ‘what else you got in your pocket?' She answered, ‘My pockets be empty,' and she turns them wrong side out. At first glance, them pockets did seem empty, but being short, my eyes were close to the pockets, and I saw one has this odd little bulge. We took my jackknife and opened the seam.

“ ‘Una done hid her thimble with me,' she said. ‘I never knew.' For some reason, I believed her. I could have cut her throat—my knife was already out—and taken her gold money and the silver thimble. Or I could have taken her money and still turned her in.”

“Where is she?”

He smacked his lips on my jam cake. “I let her go.”

“Did you?” I said. “Did you! That was so good of you.” I jumped up. I wanted to hug him. “I'm so glad,” I exclaimed. “Let me cook for you. I have beans and ham.”

He smiled at me. “I'm hungry,” he said.

“I thank you.” I flung my hands open in gratitude. “I thank you for letting Susan go.”

“I'm glad I did it,” he said. “She was just a tiny little thing. She reminded me of myself.”

“You know I did hide her,” I said. “She was between the mattresses, but I didn't know it. She had slipped in. Then she took care of me.”

“But your baby died.”

I nodded.

“And you're here alone till spring.”

“Yes,” I said, because it was true. But I felt a little afraid. Though he was short, the power in his body was evident, like that of a compressed spring.

He watched me make the preparations for supper. I did not know
what to say. After a bit he asked me if I was nervous. Again, I felt unbalanced by his directness.

“A little,” I said.

“Perhaps I ought to tell you the rest of the story.”

I only looked at him.

“I took Susan back to the road, and I pointed out a house I knew to belong to abolitionists. Big white square house. I told her they would help her, but they knew me, as I knew them, and I couldn't go to the door.”

“How do I know that you're telling the truth?” The question blurted from me.

“Susan thanked me. She said to tell you, if I saw you, for I gained
her
trust, anyway, this string of words: snake, tub, snake again, prayer, and fence. What does it mean?”

Gladness flooded my being. “It is her name,” I said. “It describes the printed capital letters in her name.” I took up pen and paper and drew the letters, naming them as I drew.

“I see.”

When my visitor got up to step outside, I could scarcely believe how small he was. How did such a man come to be a bounty hunter? I did not know, yet I knew there was goodness in him. When he returned, he sniffed deeply, enjoying the aroma of the ham and beans, as any person might. I wished that he had not taken Susan's money and thimble, yet he had let her go. It was more than many would have done. He did not need to be perfect to be good.

I asked him to tell me of his travels and his family. He said he was from Virginia, and there he had a wife, a son, and a daughter. His wife was only a bit taller than he was, but his children were full-sized, by which he meant normal. “My boy is six,” he said, “and already as tall as me.” He told me they sat on small boxes, he and his wife, and when he got home, he would buy normal furniture for his growing children. “No need they be cramped up by what fits me.”

But I did not tell him my secrets. I told him only that I lived in Nantucket and would return when the river was navigable again.

“Do you want to go sooner?” he asked.

“I would if I could.”

“I could take you out. You could sit the donkey, and I would lead. I would do it for a fee. You'd be safe.”

“I think we should wait till the melt.”

“Let part of my pay be a place to sleep and food, till the thaw.”

“I must ask you,” I said. “Will you deal with me honorably?”

“You'd be safe. I'd take you as far as you needed to go. To Cincinnati, I think. You can take a coach from there.”

“I would like to see the donkey. Tomorrow. Tonight you can sleep in the bunk in the corner, but you must not cross to my side of the cabin till I am up.”

“Done!”

I felt happier. I did not want to stay in this cabin where I had had so much sorrow. The food supplies would run low before the steamboats came. Living in a corner with some other frontier family seemed unbearable. In Nantucket, I had an ample home, if I could but get to it.

As we chatted on into the evening, I felt that I was right to trust the dwarf. Nevertheless, that first night, I slept dressed and with a butcher knife under my pillow. As I lay in bed, I swallowed my tears for my child and my mother, lest the dwarf hear me and come to comfort me.

 

I
HOPED
Susan had found shelter in a stable or house. I could not know her story, but she had one, as surely as I did. Perhaps some omniscience, with stars for eyes, saw her walking, knew her mind. My life and that of Susan, though I could not tell her story, were surely a parallel that made loneliness in the universe impossible.

“Merry Christmas,” I called out to the dwarf, as I sat up on my elbow to blow out my candle. In the dark, in a nice, male voice, he called back the same to me.