Ahead of the Darkness (24 page)

“Fine ...”

I walked into the gym and nothing. He wasn’t there. I didn’t have the energy to work out if I was relieved or disappointed, and I hated myself for that. I walked numbly towards the change rooms and slowly stripped out of my sweats. But it was all wrong. I couldn’t shake the sickness in the pit of my stomach but I turned the treadmill on anyway.

Music
. That was it. I was missing the hum of my MP3s, so I turned on my running playlist and put my headphones in, turning it up as loud as I could bare it.

It was still ... wrong. The treadmill still wasn’t fast enough. That’s what was missing.

I tried to fix it. I tried to fix whatever it was that was broken, but nothing felt right. For twenty minutes I ran faster, harder, I ran, as fast and as hard as I possibly could but it wasn’t enough, and after a week of barely any food or movement, I couldn’t push any longer.

“I give up!”

I hit the stop button and crumbled to the floor.

And that was it.

It hit me like I hit the floor, and I was gasping for breath at the realisation I had no one to catch me this time. I fell.

I struggled to get up and walk back to the change rooms, but I did it. Robotically grabbing my things, I left.

I kept walking, past the street I should have turned down for Anne’s, past the supermarket. I just kept walking. My legs ached, but I couldn’t stop. It wasn’t until I rounded the corner and saw the door to Cascades that I realised where my feet had taken me, but they didn’t stop. I shakily opened to door, and kept walking.

Oh God, what am I doing? I can’t do this ... Yes you can, just keep walking ... but what if he’s there? You want him to be. I don’t ...

I’d gone stark raving mad, but some part of me had made the decision to walk through the door, I just struggled to rationalise it. I didn’t know what I expected to come of it; I didn’t even know what
it
was, but I couldn’t argue the fact I needed to be there like I needed to breath, and as soon as I saw him ... I took a deep breath for the first time since I’d walked away.

“Mia?”

Drew walked out of the back room. His expression was unreadable, a mask, and it hit me hard, but I somehow managed to keep walking.

“What, are ye doing here?”
Breathe in, and out ...
I so desperately wanted to tell him but I couldn’t ... I couldn’t.

He tentatively walked towards me. It was the slowest I had ever seen him move, and it was too slow. My legs were going to give out any second. I dropped my bag and ran, for once, towards something.

I threw myself at Drew as soon as he was in reach. He absorbed the impact, gingerly putting his arms around me as I threw mine around his neck, and wrapped my legs around his middle. I held on like my life depended on it, and for the first time ever, I was home.

I took a shattering breath in. The tears I’d been holding in for what felt like forever were breaking through. My walls were crumbling, and I couldn't stop them.

I buried my face in his neck and desperately tried to breathe him in, but it wasn’t enough. I needed more, I needed all of him. I lifted my head from his shoulder and crushed my lips to his, the last of my walls shattering to the floor as he kissed me back. I cried even harder ...
he was kissing me back.

Drew pulled back. One of his hands reached up to cup my face, holding me still.

“I ... so sorry ... Drew. I’m ... so sorry.” I struggled to get the words out as Drew wiped the never-ending stream of tears with his thumb.

“Shhh. Breathe, love. Breathe.”

“I can’t. I can’t breathe when you’re not with me. I thought, I thought I was a broken mess before you, but before you ... there was nothing. You, you broke me, for better or worse. I can’t go back. I can’t stop feeling, and it hurts, God, it hurts.”

He kissed me furiously. Everything we’d shared up until that point was minischule in comparison, and I felt like I was drowning, but I never wanted to come up for air.

But he stopped, pulling free, and untangled himself from me, setting me down on shaky legs. Before I could panic, I heard someone clear their throat. I turned to see Jules stand in the doorway, eyes wide, with a confused and, if I didn’t know any better, slightly-hurt looking Georgia.
Merde.

I looked back at Drew, his eyes looked out of focus and he ran a hand through his hair. His gaze fell back on me and I could only imagine I had a mess-of-a face. After a pause, he reached out his hand. I took it, instantly. A small smile crossed his face briefly before he walked off towards the others, picking my bag up on the way.

“Jules, I need ye to open up tonight. Call Pete in to work, aye?

“Ah, yeah, sure. You not staying?”

“No.”

“Here, take my keys. I’ve got a spare in the office. Just leave her out front.”

“Aye, thanks.”

I didn’t get a chance to say anything before Drew headed for the door with me in hand. I caught Jules’s small nod before I walked out the door, but not from Georgia. She just looked at me curiously, not quite mad, but far from happy to see me.

“Ye’ve got a lot of making up to do, and not just with me.”

I paused, not having thought about that. I’d walked out on everyone. Drew squeezed my hand, bringing my attention back to him.

“Me first.”

He tugged my hand, pulling me forward to wrap his arm around my shoulders, and we walked to Jules’s car in silence. Drew let go of me briefly to unlock my side door, but took my hand again once he got in. The gesture set my mind a little more at ease. It was as if he didn’t want to let me go, and my chest ached at the thought of how willingly I’d done just that.

I struggled to walk up the two flights of stairs to Drew’s apartment, regretting my lack of food intake. Drew set my bag down on the couch and frowned.

“I’m going to make ye some food. Ye’ve nae been eating, and ye look ...”

“Don’t say jiggly.”

He scoffed. “I was going to say ... slim.”

“That’s almost as bad.”

He walked back towards me where I stood gingerly in the doorway, and closed the door. He gently cupped my face and brought his lips to my forehead. I felt him grin before he removed them and looked at me in all seriousness.

“Now, sit. I’m going to fatten ye up, and then we’ll talk.”

I nodded once, doing as I was told. I sat at the little round table and looked out at the desolate grey sky, and my eyes became heavy.

“Mia?”

It was ridiculous how much I’d missed the sound of my name on his tongue, and I savoured it for a little while before I responded. “Sorry?”

I was struggling to keep my eyes open. Every ounce of my energy seemed to be evaporating. Drew closed the fridge door and came towards me. He leaned down, tucking my hair behind my ears.

“We’ll talk later. Ye look like ye’ve not slept in a week.”

“I’m sorry. I just need to close my eyes for a little while.”

He didn’t say anything, but took my hand and led me to his bedroom, closing the door behind us. He begun to undo his tie and untuck his shirt. My heart soared.

“You’ll stay with me?”

“Aye.”

I smiled softly as Drew went to his drawers to pull out a sweater for me and started to remove my gym clothes.

“Jesus, Mia, I can see ye ribs.”

I wrapped my arms around my chest, trying to hid. He took a few steps towards me and unfolded my arms.

“Dinnae hide from me, love. What did you do to yerself?

I shrugged, unable to voice how much it had hurt not having him. The pained lines on his face and shadowing under his eyes told me he knew all too well. My eyes began to water. Drew pulled me in and wrapped his arms around me, holding my head against his chest, while I sobbed again.

“I’m so sorry I hurt you, Drew.”

“Shh.”

He squeezed my slightly smaller frame and I groaned, making him chuckle.

“Ye small enough I can pick ye up now.”

“Hey!” I pulled my face away from his chest and frowned. “You had no problem with that before, arse.”

“That’s my Mia. I hate to see ye cry.”

“I never cry, but I can’t seem to stop lately.”

He kissed my forehead, then both corners of my eyes, and peppered my face with them.

“Okay, okay. No more tears. Stop.”

I laughed as he lifted me up and fell on the bed with me tangled in his arms. I snuggled into his warmth, burring my face in his shoulder, and just breathed him in. He smelt so good, like warm spices, with a hint of woody under-notes. He smelt like home.

“Sleep,” he whispered in my ear, and continued to stroke my back until I fell asleep.

-

M
y eyes snapped open. Warm arms wrapped around me.

“It was just a dream. I’ve got ye.”

But it wasn’t. I shook my head, and tried to catch my breath.

“Mia ... tell me. Let me in, love.”

I curled in on myself, and Drew's arms tightened around me, giving me strength.

“I was five when when I lost everything. The first time.”

––––––––

“A
melia, get in the car. Tout de suite!”

“Maman?”

I watched as she threw all our things into the back of the little blue car. Her head snapped to me and I ran to the open passenger door, jumping in with a slam.

“Where are we going?”

“I don't know, mon cherie, but wherever it is we need to get there quick.”

––––––––

D
rew kissed my shoulder, silently waiting for me to continue.

“It had been just my mother and I for a while. I think I was three or four when she left him: my father. We moved around a lot, I remember, always after a phone call. She would shake, almost dropping the phone, and then we were leaving, with whatever we could carry.

“Except this one time, a friend of hers gave her a car. She came to visit, saying he was on his way. He’d found us, she didn't know how, but he was on his way, and was coming for me.”

“Why?”

“I don't know. I never got to ask. I just remember thinking, why me? He never loved me. I'd sit at the top of the stairs, listening to them fight. He’d scream at her, over and over, ‘You don't love me, you only love her, that bastard child.’

“It wouldn't matter what she would say. It was always the same, and when he got bored with words I'd hear her crumbling to the floor, and I would wake to find her with new marks, new bruises. So we got in the car and drove off, but he was right behind us.”

––––––––

“M
aman ... Wake up, please!”

––––––––

“H
e rammed into the back of us, and the car started to spin out of control. My mother yelled at me to bring my legs up just before we smashed into a tree or a pole; I can't remember. The impact shattered the window, sending glass everywhere, but my legs took the shards instead of my face.”

I reached for one of his hands and ran his fingers over the scars along my shins. “They don't look like much now, at least.” But they ran deep.

“She saved yer life.”

I took a shaky breath in, unable to respond.

“But ye wish she hadn't?”

He somehow pulled the thought I'd wrestled with over the years straight out of my mind. I trembled as the years of guilt came crushing down on me.

––––––––

“M
aman? Maman? MAMAN!”

There were cuts all up her arms, blood running down her neck and I struggled to see her face. The air bag and steering wheel were right up against her. I tried desperately to move, but it was too painful. I could feel the blood trickling down my legs as I pulled at them. The dashboard was pushing my legs tightly against my chest. It was futile, I couldn’t move.

I scream ...

––––––––

“W
e ...” I took a deep breath, and tried again. “I was trapped in that car for hours.”

“Ye?” Drew interrupted, the question plain in his tone.

“I was pinned by the dashboard, trapped in the car as my father got out of his and came around to ours. He smashed my mother’s window and unlocked her door. It took him a while, but he eventually yanked it open. I thought ... I thought ...”

––––––––

“P
apa, she won't wake up. Papa, please help. Papa ... what are you doing? What are you doing? Stop, stop Papa, you’re hurting her. PAPA!”

––––––––

“I
didn't realise he was the one who had actually rammed us. I was so confused. But when he started yanking her out of the car and she started to come to ... she ... she started to whimper, but then ...”

––––––––

S
nap
.

––––––––

“T
hen, she stopped. My father let go at the sound I later learned was her neck snapping. He dropped her, and she crumpled to the ground, lifeless. He left me there, without a word.

“Jesus.”

“I was eventually found, hours later, and taken to the hospital. My dad went to jail, and I went into the system.”

Drew loosened his arms around me, reaching for my face, tilting it towards him. I rolled over to better face him. There was no pity in Drew’s eyes. All I saw was sorrow, and understanding.

I wasn’t ready to tell him more, not right then, and he didn’t push. He tucked my hair behind my ear, and I leaned into the gentle warmth. The simple gesture meant more than any words and I moved forward, bringing my mouth gently to his in a silent
thank you
. I got lost in the sweetness; there was no expectation for more, his lips tenderly melded with mine.

I reluctantly pulled back. “What time is it?”

“It’s still Sunday. Why?”

“Oh, you should be at work. Jules will burn down the club.”

He chuckled to himself. “Aye, but I’d rather be here.”

“I can help you fix it tomorrow?”

“No work tomorrow.”

“You’re not going in?” His smile widened as he shook his head at me. “You’re staying home?”

“Aye. I already text Jules. I dinnae have to go in till Wednesday.”

My whole face lit up at the thought of two whole days with Drew.

He chuckled. “Aye.”

“Oh. So, make-up sex?”

“Definitely”