Alex (In the Company of Snipers) (34 page)

Muted voices chatted overhead like he wasn’t even there, like he was already dead – or dying.
Lucky if he lives … defib ... intracranial hemorrhaging … angioplasty … mood swings ... another stent … brain injury ... may never see again … poor guy.

A heavy hand pressed hard against his sternum, too hard this time.
Did I have another heart attack?
He couldn’t move and he couldn’t fight. They covered his face with a sheet.
Oh, hell. I’m dead.

The room was quiet when he came to, the uproar over, everyone gone. Alex was alone, weary beyond belief, and surrounded by nothing but darkness, inside and out. The realization of all his brokenness crept in to lay with him. He ached for Kelsey, but was rewarded with despair, and despair told him this time was different. The pain was relentless. No matter what meds they had tried, he couldn’t get ahead of it, and his heart was in trouble. Three attacks already. How many more could he survive?

Hopelessness took hold.
What’s the use?

Most discouraging of all, he couldn’t see. His sharpshooter eyes were damaged, his one skill, his God-given talent, and his pride. The absence of light became an evil spirit that messed with his head.

Melancholy whispered dark thoughts.
You’re blind, Stewart. Blind. Blind. Blind.

With all the medicine pumped into him, he had lost his edge. Death sat at his bedside, biding its time. He knew it now. He wasn’t going to make it.

The gloom of too many dark days lied to him.
You’ll never see again, old man.

He had counted on his anger when he first came to. It gave him energy. Direction. Motivation. But the circle of so much pain had turned into a noose that choked the life out of him. This time was different all right.

The downward spiral beckoned.
You’re nothing but a beggar with a tin cup.

He thought about Kelsey. As much as he had wanted her before, he dreaded her now. She would be better off if he were to die. He loved her so much, and he knew she loved him. That was the problem. She would stay until the end, no matter how bad things got. That’s just how she was, but he didn’t want her to watch him die. She had already lost so much.

Pessimism poisoned him.
You’re an old man, Stewart. Let her go. Let her live.

He counted his years.
We have our whole lives ahead of us.

Just as quickly darkness rebutted.
A whole life of what? Wheelchair for you? Misery for her? Changing adult diapers, and old before her time? You call that life?

He agonized. Sunlight would have helped. The scent of Kelsey would have helped more. But there was none. No light. No Kelsey. No hope.

At last he knew what had to be done. It was a hard decision, but he had made plenty of tough decisions before. If he loved her, it was the only way. She had been through enough. And he really loved her.

He had to let her go.

Alex stayed quiet when Kelsey entered his room the next morning.

“Good morning, sweetheart,” she whispered in his ear. In her wonderful loving way, she rested her head on his chest, just breathing. Something prickled his chin. Her hair? His heart stalled. This was what he really craved, her sweet gift of joy in the middle of so many crappy days. All his first responders flickered to life. Even his heart felt better. He yearned to hold her, to feel her once more in his arms and in his bed. But that day was past. The crippled soul within held back. There was no sense lying.

She lifted away from him, and put something on the counter by his bed. His nose twitched at the scent of flowers. That was so like her to brighten his room even though he couldn’t see. They smelled good, but she smelled better, of green apple shampoo and that soft perfume she liked. He listened, feigning sleep as she settled into the chair and fidgeted with something. Pages turned. She had brought something to read while she waited in her patient way for him to wake up. He steeled his resolve and turned his bandaged eyes toward her.

“Is that you?” He couldn’t even speak her name. Even in his ears, his voice sounded old and feeble. Impotent. Yes. This was the best decision. She deserved a better life.

“Alex.” She was at his side in an instant, her hands warm and gentle on his brow. “I’ve missed you so much.” She laid her head on his chest again, and he choked, her touch unexpectedly sweeter than he had imagined. He had craved it for so long; he almost couldn’t go on. How could he live without her? The truth was simple. He wasn’t going to live. And if by some small miracle he did, what kind of man would he be to bind her forever to the decrepit excuse for a man he had become? He steeled his nerve. It was now or never.

“Why are you here?” His voice cracked.

She leaned in to kiss him, but he sensed her nearness and turned away. Her lips barely brushed his cheek.

“Are you okay?” She sounded worried. “Alex. What’s wrong?”

He sighed, the knowledge of what he was about to do stabbing him with sharp, deep stiletto cuts.
Make it quick. Do it right. Let her go. Let her live.

“You shouldn’t be here,” he croaked.

“But they said I could visit today, and I’ve missed you so—”

“No.” He cut her short, trying to steel his voice.
Do it. It’s for her good.
“I don’t want you here.”

Her breath caught. “What? Why?”

Even blind, he felt her pain-filled surprise. It was all he could do to repeat himself. “I don’t want you here. Go.”

“But Alex? Why don’t you want me anymore?” Kelsey sat at the edge of his bed.

He heard the frightened little girl emerge in her voice, the child who forever thought she was unworthy of love. He hesitated.
Why am I doing this? Why am I being so cruel?

Depression reminded him.
So she can live a life worth living. Let her go. Let her live.

He took another deep breath. “You need to go.”

She leaned into the side of his face. He felt her sweet breath on his ear – and her tear. “You’re just sick, Alex. You don’t mean it,” she said kindly, instantly forgiving him. “I’ll never leave you.”

Oh, Kelsey. Always too good for me ….

He had to make her understand, so he turned away from her sweet breath. “Just go.”

“But I—”

“Go. Just go.” Frustration added venom to his words even as his heart shuddered with a different kind of heart attack. He was hurting her. He knew it. There was no other way.

“If that’s what you want, I’ll … I’ll … go then,” she said timidly. “But I’ll be back. I promise.”

Slowly she gathered her things. She was frightened again. He could tell. He wanted so much to pull her into his worthless arms and tell her everything would be okay, and that’s why he didn’t. His arms were worthless. He was worthless. He couldn’t even hold the woman he loved.

He sensed her at his side again—where she belonged. He cringed. Somehow, he had to be tough.
Didn’t she get it? She had to go and she had to go now. One more minute of this charade and I’ll have to hold her again. I’ll have to kiss her and worse, I’ll have to believe I can live.

“Go.” The one word cracked out of him. She didn’t move. What did she want from him? A kiss? A pat on the butt? A good-bye hug? She had to leave, or she would have all those things and more. “I told you—take your flowers and leave. Get out. Go.”

He heard her sharp intake of breath.

“I’m going, but ….” she whispered meekly from the doorway.

“Get out of my life.” Alex roared this time.

He held his breath, stilled and listened. The door clicked quietly on its hinge. He had gotten what he wanted, but there was no joy in it. Anguish strangled him instead.

“Just go, sweetheart. Live. Please live.”

Only silence answered.

Kelsey was gone.

Twenty-Three

Alex

Week three began with another heart procedure called coronary angioplasty and another called stenting. Between the heart medicines and blood thinners, Alex felt wretched inside and out. The medications wrecked havoc on his energy as well as his already nasty disposition. The only bright spot in his days were Murphy’s visits, and they were few and far between. He didn’t blame Murphy. The man was managing the business alone from a hotel room across country.

Alex cursed his failure to heal as much as he cursed everything and everyone else. So it was a pleasant surprise when Harley showed up. He had been back to DC until Alex moved out of the intensive care unit, and Alex was glad for the company.

“Hey, Boss.”

“Harley? That you? How’ve you been?” Alex tried to pull himself into a sitting position. It took a while with two arms in slings, so Harley gave him a hand.

“I’m doing well. Getting back in the saddle and keeping busy, you know how it is.”

“Not really.” Alex growled. “Seems all I do is sleep, and get something else stuck in me. So tell me. We looked for you for months, and all of a sudden you show up in the middle of nowhere. What’s that all about?”

“Yeah, well.” For a boy from New York, Harley had the best fake Texas drawl Alex had ever heard. He was drawling plenty. “Guess I sorta felt there weren’t nothing else I could do. I’d hit rock bottom again, and I was just making excuses. You knew that.”

He listened as Harley stretched his long legs. “I kinda had a come to Jesus moment when I woke up with two naked women, and I didn’t even know their names. For that matter, I couldn’t remember what I drank or stuck up my nose either. No sirree, Boss. That’s when I thought of you, cuz I knew I didn’t want to be like me anymore. So I got up, got dressed, and hightailed it outta there. Committed myself to a tough rehab in Texas.”

“What were you using?”

“Blow. Booze. Women.”

“Cocaine’s a tough road.”

“It is.” Harley’s voice mellowed with his true confessions. “I can tell you I’m sorry if that’s what you want to hear.”

Alex shook his head. “We tried everything to find you.” He didn’t mean it to sound accusing, but it did. He had known Harley needed help when he had hired him. He had just never expected Harley to run. It helped knowing now the kid had run for help instead of away from it.

“I figured you guys would come looking for me, and I didn’t want to be found, you know, so did the only thing I could think of to keep off the grid.”

Alex waited.

“I registered under your name.” Harley said it so brightly that Alex couldn’t help but chuckle. He should have known. Leave it to Harley. “Yep. Seemed like a good idea at the time, you know, since I wanted to be like you and all.”

The silence in the room stifled Alex. Harley didn’t know what he was asking for.

“So anyway, I went into the office as soon as I left Texas. I thought I’d go hang out for a couple days, get caught up on all the gossip, and see how that Lennox kid was working out. Man, he’s good, isn’t he?”

“He is.” Alex was already exhausted. “We’re keeping him a little too busy, but he doesn’t mind the extra work.”

“I’m looking forward to working with him ….” Harley paused, “if you’ll let me keep my job.”

“You’re still working for me last time I checked.”

“Thanks.” Harley blew out a huge sigh. “I sure appreciate that.”

“I should be thanking you. You showed up just in time.”

“That was a bad night.” Harley scooted his chair closer. “What happened anyway?

“It’s a long story. Kelsey’s ex-husband was a real piece of work. I was stupid. That’s all.”

“I noticed you got five of them.” Harley sounded pleased.

“No, only four.”

“Well, there were five bodies at the cabin. Who got—”

Alex gasped. He knew exactly who took that fifth shot.

“Kelsey went down fighting.” Harley was impressed. “Your woman’s a trooper.”

The revelation and Harley’s choice of descriptors agitated Alex. “We shouldn’t have been there in the first place.”

“Things happen. So what’d they do? Ambush you two in the middle of the night or something?”

“She was supposed to run. I told her to run.”

“Did she ever talk to you about that night?” Harley’s voice softened.