Alexxxa (14 page)

“I see,” she said nonplussed.

“Alexa, please. It’s not that I don’t want to be with you. I’ve told you before that I don’t do casual sex, therefore I would never have done what we just did if I didn’t want you. But that’s part of the problem, I want all of you…for myself.”

“This is who I am! I’m a porn star! If you want to be with all of me then you get that part of me too!”

I cupped her face within my hands and stared down at her, beseeching her to understand. “You aren’t your job. You are so much more than just a porn star—so much more. You’re unhappy because deep down you know that. You’re life isn’t complete.” I circled my thumbs over her cheeks, trying to catch the stray tears rolling down them. “Maybe it’s time for you to do something else. Let me help you figure out what will make you truly happy. Let me be there with you.”

Alexa reached up and flung my hands from her. “You sound just like Devlin. I thought he accepted me for me too once, and now look at him. Is that going to be you in a few years? Are you going to abuse me and call me a whore?”

“I would never call you that. I would never—“

“Never say never, David. Never say never. You know what, you’re right. We couldn’t work as a couple. We just don’t fit. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m just in a vulnerable place right now is all.”

“Alexa—“

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore,” she snapped.

“No, we need to talk about this. I don’t think—“

“That’s it. I’m out of here.” She flung the car door open and before I could stop her she hopped out when we slowed at another red light. I scurried out of the car after her, but she’d already disappeared around the corner of a building as if into thin air. I looked for her for a few more minutes and finally convinced myself that she must have gotten in a cab or something. She was probably already on her way back to the hotel. I jumped back into our car and ordered our driver to continue on without her. Now I actually was wondering what he must be thinking about all of this. He was probably thinking that I’d just fucked up big time…because I had.

~
Alexa

I wasn’t giving up on David quite yet. I’d made my decision that I wanted him, and changing my mind about something when I’d made it up one hundred percent was usually difficult. I just needed some time to cool off. Maybe I should take the opportunity to call and meet up with Tara to catch up on things. I pulled my phone from my purse and called her cell. No answer, great. Where the hell had she disappeared to? I wasn’t ready to go back to the hotel because I knew David would be there waiting for me. I decided to just walk for a bit. Maybe I’d check out some of the shops in Station Square. It’d been years since I’d been there and I was sure there’d be some shopping options to help distract me from my twisted thoughts and emotions.

I wrapped my coat more tightly around me; it was warmer than the other night, but colder than I was used to. Just as I was nearing my destination, my eyes slid over a couple holding hands and laughing, nothing unusual—until my mind registered who they were. I stopped dead in my tracks, completely shocked. Devlin Saint was holding hands with none other than my supposed friend Tara—the same friend who had apparently just screened my call. What the fuck was going on? I warred with myself whether or not I should confront them. Ultimately, I chickened out and turned away, ducking into the closest store. I watched as they walked past me, oblivious to my presence. I just couldn’t make sense of what was going on. Tara had left me alone with Devlin the other night at
Erotic Exotica
, they hadn’t even acknowledged each other. If they were together—
Holy fuck
! That’s why she was being so shifty. She wasn’t on drugs. They obviously had some kind of open relationship like Devlin and I used to have, but—but why was he so hostile towards me if he was happy with Tara? I really couldn’t begin to wrap my mind around it, at least not in my current emotional state. Had Tara been laughing behind my back this whole time? Was she really even my friend?

I wanted to call David to come get me, but he wouldn’t really be able to understand. Plus I still needed some space from him. That only left my Aunt Suzy, who I was guessing was spending time with Eli. Not to mention I couldn’t tell her everything without well…telling her everything. Tears tracked down my numb face. I really hated crying and I was doing it far too much lately. I swiped at the offending liquid and pulled my phone out of my purse. I had no choice but to call Aunt Suzy. I had no one else. That thought made me cry harder.

I lay sprawled out across my black comforter, Aunt Suzy rubbing my back while I cried. It was like I was back in high school. “Tell me what’s wrong, Andy. You know you can tell me anything.”

“I’m sorry I ruined your date with Eli.” I sobbed into my pillow.

“Don’t worry about it, he understood and it’s not important right now. What is important, is figuring out what’s going on with you. Did you have another fight with David?”

“Yes, no…Yes, but it’s more than that.” How could I tell her everything without letting her know what I really did for a living? It was a mistake calling her and yet I really didn’t have anywhere else to go.

Aunt Suzy sighed. “Is it—is it about your—career?”

I sucked in a breath and rolled over to look at her. It was just the way she said it. “You know?” I stared at her with disbelief. “For how long?”

Aunt Suzy smiled sweetly at me. Not in a patronizing way though. “I’ve always known.”

I sat up and blinked rapidly at her. “What? Then why didn’t you tell me?” I guess David had been right about her after all. It figured.

“Because you didn’t seem to want me to know. It was just easier. At least it was when you seemed happy. I knew I’d have to tell you that I knew eventually. Now seems like that time, all things considered.”

I threw myself at her and wrapped my arms around her tightly. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

She patted my back. “Andy, you know I love you like a little sister. I always have. I was never a good fit for a parent or a role model, but it was me or nothing. I wish I could have done better by you.”

“No,” I muttered into her hair. “Who knows where I’d be without you.”

“Maybe not a porn star who’s clearly miserable.”

I let her go and sat back, cradling my legs to my chest. I rested my chin on my knees as I regarded her sternly. “It’s not your fault. I really do love what I do. I’ve always loved sex a bit more than the average person, I suspect. It’s just that lately… I don’t know, I feel like my life is missing something. And ever since David walked into my life he’s turned everything upside down.”

Aunt Suzy smiled knowingly at me. “You really like him, don’t you?”

“Yeah.” I breathed, letting myself think about his shockingly blue eyes and how it’d felt when he was inside me. I shivered. “He drives me a bit crazy though. But I want him! Oh God, how I want him! And more than for just sex.” I sighed. “There’s just something about him. He makes me think and feel things that I’m just not used to. I don’t know what to do. He won’t be with me unless I give up porn.”  I bit my lower lip. As accepting as Aunt Suzy was, of course she was probably going to take David’s side about my career options.

“You know, Andy, I like David for you… a lot. He’s making you question things; he’s turned your world completely upside down in such a short period of time. That’s how it should be… And I see the way he looks at you.”

“But how can I give up porn for him? And what if I do and things don’t work out between us? ”

“That’s something you’re going to figure out for yourself. Can you change for David, and if so, how? These are things that only you can answer.”

I scowled. “I thought it was bad to change for someone.”

Aunt Suzy smiled. “Is it bad for an alcoholic to stop drinking for someone they love? It’s not bad to stop doing harmful things, no matter the motivation. It’s up to you to decide whether your career choice is good or bad for you. Is it truly making you happy or is it harmful to your psyche? Changing so you can maybe get something that will make you happy… that’s never a bad thing. Stop making decisions based on what society tells you. Everything isn’t black or white. It never has been and never will be.”

She was right, as usual. Society said that you should never change for anyone. But of course that same society labeled me an undesirable. I needed to make up my mind for myself, follow my own path. “I guess I have a lot to think about. Can I stay here for awhile?”

“Stay as long as you want. You know you’re always welcome here, Andy.” Aunt Suzy leaned down and kissed me on the forehead. She then left, closing the door behind her.

I flopped back on the bed and stared at the ceiling. It felt good to have no more lies between Aunt Suzy and me, but with everything else… I was still just as confused. Devlin was my first love, and I thought Tara was one of my best friends. I didn’t want Devlin anymore, at least not after what happened the other night. But it hurt just the same to know they were together…worse because Tara had been deceiving me. And what did Devlin want with Tara anyways? Were they serious? How long had—whatever they were—been going on? I had so many questions and no way of getting any answers at the moment. I still didn’t know what to do about David either. Maybe if I stared at the ceiling long enough, the answers would come to me. I let my mind wander…

What was it about exhibitionism that I found so appealing? Because that’s the part of porn that I couldn’t fathom giving up. I’d felt the same sensation of being alive when David had fucked me so publicly in the car earlier. Why did I need that kind of attention? It was if some part of me thought that if people weren’t watching, I’d just disappear. How nice it must be to not need that—to not need to be some kind of celebrity—to feel validated intrinsically instead of extrinsically. How freeing it must be to not worry about what anybody thought. Sometimes I felt a soul deep hatred for people—for society. And yet I needed them to feed my addiction. I needed them to exist. That just made me hate myself a little bit. I wished I could live in complete anonymity—but that would kill me on another level. Sometimes it was about tolerating the lesser evil. Why couldn’t love from one person be enough? Why did I have to feel like everyone loved me? I didn’t even like most of the people who did. I was a hypocrite and a liar. I didn’t do what I did because I loved it and it empowered me. Maybe it had started out that way, but now… I did it because I was too afraid not to. Would I still want the same things if I were no longer afraid? Maybe it was time I found out.

~David

Things were moving too fast between Alexa and me. I’d barely known her a week and I was already thinking that I loved her…ridiculous. Okay, so I’d technically known her since high school, but that didn’t count. I’d only known the image of her, not the her that she was underneath. I rubbed my temples. I was starting to give myself a headache. I didn’t believe in love at first sight, lust definitely, but not love. But—fuck. “Doth protest too much,” I muttered out loud to myself. I loved her. I could try to rationalize it all I wanted—in the end there was really no point in denying my feelings for Alexa. I fucking loved her. Some things just couldn’t be explained or reasoned out. Apparently, my need for her was one of them.