Alexxxa (26 page)

The rest of the day went by with everyone pretending that our morning hadn’t been interrupted by my super religious, crazy mother. There was an underlying tension radiating from Alexa though, and I just didn’t know how to fix it. I figured that the best option was to just let it work itself out, just like everything else she’d been going through lately.

Just like a lot of best-laid plans, mine didn’t pan out the way I thought it would. It had been a huge mistake thinking that Alexa didn’t need to talk about what happened with my mother and Natalie. How big of a mistake? I found that out the next morning when Alexa was gone, the bed cold beside me, and her engagement ring was left beside my glasses on the nightstand.

When I went to find Eli and Suzy, they too were gone, which I hadn’t expected any less. Suzy was loyal to Alexa, no matter how much she liked me, and Eli would go along for the ride whether he approved or not.

Did Alexa think that she was doing me a favor by abandoning me the way she had? Did she think I’d simply go back with Natalie or find someone else? Clearly she did or she wouldn’t have left. But I could never be with anyone but her, now that I knew what I was missing. She was it for me. If I couldn’t have her then I was done with women. I just had to figure out how to find her and convince her to come back, because without her my life wouldn’t really be worth anything.

~Alexa

Maybe everyone had been right about me all along. There was something wrong with me and I was all fucked up in the head. I would have been happy with just David, but I wanted him to do movies with me. I really couldn’t see anything wrong with wanting that. I’m not really sure why I suggested a threesome, the thought of David’s beautiful cock in anyone besides me, tore at my heart and soul. The worst part was when he said we’d figure it out. Would he be willing to have sex with other women? Maybe he didn’t love me as much as I thought. I know, I know… I’m the one who brought it up, but—I think I was testing him. I think deep down I couldn’t let the idea of porn go because I was still afraid. I had so many contradictory thoughts and emotions; I knew I wasn’t making any sense. That’s why I’d left David. He deserved better than me. And when he figured that out he would have been the one leaving. I simply left first so that I wouldn’t be as crushed down the road.

I’d come to a realization. I was lonely—so lonely. All the time. David was the first and only person that made me feel connected in any real way. Maybe that was the real reason why I loved porn, the real reason I needed exhibitionism—because when people were watching me in my most intimate moments, whether I was having sex or even masturbating, there was some kind of connection. It’s a horrible feeling to go through life feeling like even when you’re in a room full of people, even if that room of people is all fucking you—if no one is watching—then you’re utterly alone…isolated from the world. How had I never known I felt that way before? Everything I’d ever done was to abate that soul deep emptiness in me. David filled that hole, but that wasn’t exactly healthy, because one day when I lost him… I would have ended up like my mother. I never knew my father. All I knew was that he left before I was born and that my mother never got over him. If what she felt for him was half of what I felt for David then I couldn’t blame her for what she did. Hell, color me impressed that she lasted sixteen years. I wanted to be with David but I didn’t want to depend on him. Depending on anyone will destroy you eventually.

I’d called my friend Ginger to ask if I could crash at her place for a few days until I figured out what I was going to do. She was someone that David hadn’t met yet, and so it slimmed the chances of him tracking me down right away.

I was currently sulking in Ginger’s guest bedroom when she burst in. “Okay, you need to get out of this funk, seriously.” Her long red hair was pulled on top of her head. And she drummed her perfectly manicured nails against the doorframe. “You’re the one who left him, remember? And honestly, I’m not even sure why.”

“I’m not sure I know anymore either,” I mumbled. Was I being a drama queen? Or was I so afraid of the other shoe dropping with David that I just went and destroyed all the shoes? I was being run by my fears, I knew that. I just didn’t know how to turn them off, or to face them.

“You want to come with and watch my scene today? It’s better than laying around here and doing nothing.”

I shrugged. “I guess.”

“You left David because you miss making porn and yet you haven’t lifted a finger to get back into it. Maybe you can talk to Tony today.” Tony was Ginger’s agent. He ran one of the biggest agencies for porn. He was the best. If I wanted to sign with someone, he would be the way to go. All the top entertainers, me aside, were signed with him.

“Okay, I’ll come with you and talk to Tony.” I got up and showered for the first time in days.

“So what would be on the list… Everything you used to do before?” Tony asked, tapping his chin in thought. “I have to say, you making a come back after every thing that went down—either you need to jump right in, do a big gang bang, I’m talking at least twenty guys, or—Shit I would have loved to do a line with you and David. The two of you, even in those grainy videos were hot. Chicks love that romantic type of shit. A lot of guys do too, as long as they get to still see the tits and ass. Hell, I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m really disappointed it didn’t work out between you two. What happened?”

I talked through gritted teeth. “I don’t want to talk about David.”

“Ooor—shit—I just had a brilliant idea. We could do a line all centering on the ‘seduction of Alexa’.” Tony framed the title in the air with finger quotes. His overly tanned face made his smile seem too white, cartoonish even. “It would be implied that you weren’t interested because of—well I won’t mention him again—but your co-stars seduce you against your will and you of course fuck them all. We could start out doing a lot of girl on girl. Make it more about you not being able to live without pussy, then we can transition to threesomes and so on.”

I shrugged feeling less than enthused about the idea. But that was to be expected. What I really wanted was to call David and tell him I’d been a fool. Of course for all I knew he now hated me the way Devlin did or worse—he’d already moved on. A flash of him taking Natalie from behind, the way he did me so many times, flew across my mind and caused bile to rise up in my throat. I needed to move on with my life any way I could. I just needed survive, and maybe one day I’d have some semblance of happiness again. “You know I like pussy—but only on the side. My main course has always been cock. I don’t want to get bored, and be unenthusiastic on camera.” How was I supposed to fuck David out of my system if I was only doing women? “But I’ll do whatever you think is best to re-jump my career. I know you’d be taking a risk on me after I haven’t been working for the last six months.”

“I think we’ll start with the seduction of Alexa thing. Ginger will be done soon with her scene. We can go back to her place and film a content trade for your websites. The sooner you get some new stuff up on your site the better. I’m sure she won’t have a problem with it since she’s only been doing girls lately, her boyfriend likes it better that way.”

“Oh? Brian’s getting possessive of Ginger now? But he doesn’t have a problem with her doing girls?”

“Most men don’t, plus Ginger has always been into girls. I’m not sure if you know this but her last relationship before Brian was with a woman.”

“No, I didn’t know.” It was a little different for me. I had fun fucking women, but I could give them up no problem. Men were my vice. I’d also never hooked up with a woman off camera. Threesome yes, but not just a woman.

Tony smoothed his graying hair back from his face. “Okay, so are we doing the content trade?”

I shrugged again. “I don’t see why not.”

~David

It only been a few days since Alexa had left me, but I was going absolutely insane. If I didn’t get a lead on her whereabouts soon I was either going to hire a private detective or storm every porno set in the California area. Each morning since she’d been gone, as soon I woke up, the first thing I did was go to her website. There hadn’t been any new content added since we’d gotten together but I checked it in fear of what I’d find. I don’t know why I was torturing myself. I knew deep down that if she did film something with someone else, I’d still take her back. Seeing it would merely break me more than I already was, if that was even possible.

I padded over to my desk where I had my laptop set up and went straight to Alexa’s site. “No. Fuck no.” My gaze zeroed in on a new picture. It was finally happening. The words ‘Full video coming soon’ were scrolled above a picture of Alexa arching up, pinching her own nipples, while a red headed woman sucked on her clit. I felt hot and cold all at the same time. There was a part of me that was relieved to only see another woman in the photo—no men. The rest of me was utterly crushed. She was making porn again. Even if there was no man now…it was only a matter of time. Of course another thought occurred to me.  Was Alexa possibly bi? Maybe that was the real reason she’d wanted a threesome. If that was the case, I could let her sleep with women and still be with me, couldn’t I? Maybe there was something that she got from that kind of relationship that I couldn’t give her sexually. She might have only suggested a threesome because she felt it would be the only way I’d accept it. Fuck if I knew. I just needed to find her and to talk to her. I still hadn’t figured out how the fuck I was supposed to do that though.

Feeling like I had no other viable options, I started Googling private detectives in the area. Every so often I would drop back in on Alexa’s site, morbid curiosity taking control. I couldn’t seem to resist wanting to see if the video of her and the red haired chick was uploaded yet. After I’d finished up my list of possible P.I.s to call, it’d been a few hours, and low and behold, the video was up. I brought the cursor to hover over the play icon and stayed like that for what seemed like an eternity. Finally I clicked on it. I just couldn’t seem to help myself. Apparently I’d become a masochist.

The video started with Alexa laying naked in a bed, white silk sheets. Her legs were spread wide and she was playing with herself, eyes squeezed tightly shut, like she might do if she was really alone and not on camera. A soft moan escaped her lips and my dick went instantly hard.

That’s when the redhead entered the frame. “Want company?”

Alexa feigned surprise and quickly closed her legs. “Ginger, what are you doing? I thought you went out?”

“I’m back early. And I’m glad I am.” She slipped off her flimsy dress. “I know your man is out too, and I thought—“

Ginger crept towards Alexa on all fours. “—I know you’re in a relationship with him now, but I have something he doesn’t.” Alexa’s breathing was ragged and her legs relaxed slightly as she stared at Ginger. “A pussy.” Ginger slid one manicured hand between Alexa’s thighs and circled her clit. “Don’t tell me you don’t miss being with a woman. I know I could never give it up.”