Alexxxa (3 page)

For a second in time his reaction kind of hurt my feelings. What was wrong with me that he was so against any naked time? I quickly pushed my gut reaction aside because he wasn’t worth it. He was just a judgmental asshole who didn’t understand me or what I was about. It didn’t help that he was the first guy who’d ever turned down my advances. It was a blow to my ego, that was all. There was no need for me to let it get under my skin. “All right then, if you’re sure.” I leaned forward again, but this time to make sure he got a good look down my shirt and at my braless tits.

His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down in his throat as he convulsively swallowed, his eyes riveted to my bare flesh.  “Yeah,” he croaked. “I’m sure.”

I shrugged. “Suit yourself.”

Rebounding faster than I thought, David fired off a series of questions at me. “Why do you do it? Why porn? Aren’t you ashamed? Aren’t your parents ashamed?”

I met his gaze levelly with steel in mine. “I never knew my dad and my mom’s been dead since I was sixteen. As far as why? I do it because I love sex. I even love thinking that whoever you have back home, a girlfriend or a wife, you’ll still think about me instead of her later when you’re playing backstroke roulette. You’ll think about me and you’ll devote your thoughts to me for a long time to come. I love devotion, David, and I have millions of devoted fans who would do anything for me. Why would I be ashamed of that?”

“I don’t have a girlfriend or a wife,” he snapped, ignoring the rest of my response.

I threw my head back and laughed. “Of course you don’t. You’re probably one of those self-righteous prudes.”

David’s cerulean eyes narrowed with anger. “I’m a prude because I won’t fuck you?”

“If you had a girlfriend or wife, no. But since you don’t—yes.” Before he could say anything else I brushed my lips across his ear and whispered to him softly, causing his breath to hitch. “Tell me, David,” I purred in my best sex kitten voice. “Why me? Why did you want me to be the star of your little film?”

“Because you’re the most popular female porn star in the world today. Your stats are—well—you’re—“

“The best,” I finished for him. “And you not wanting a piece of that—definitely means you’re a prude.” I stood and crawled over him, making sure I copped another feel on my way into the aisle. I proceeded to march, head held high, to the airplane restroom.

Once I was shut into the small cubicle I found myself getting angrier. Who the hell did David think he was anyways? I had millions if not billions of adoring fans. I was a celebrity worldwide, loved and adored just like I’d always dreamed. And yet— I stared into my dark blue eyes and saw sadness. My trembling hand reached out to touch the rippled glass that held my reflection. My perfectly symmetrical features blurred as tears gathered in my eyes.
Who is Alexa James? I mean, who is she really? Is her life all she really hoped it would be? Is she really loved? Or is it all just a mirage?
“Dammit!”  I cursed under my breath and turned away from the mirror. Why was I letting David get to me? I’d known him for less than forty-eight hours and his questions weren’t something new to me. I’d been asked much worse and on camera to boot. And never—never ever had my utter certainty and confidence wavered in the tiniest bit before.
Maybe I am burnt out after all.
It was the only explanation. The rest—David and all—was a coincidence. I just needed to push through this… burn out syndrome or whatever it was and soon enough I’d be feeling like my old self.

When I made my way back to my seat a few minutes later, David met my eyes sheepishly and gave me a tentative smile. “I’m sorry.” He stood and let me settle back into my window seat. “Seriously, I was way out of line. I just—I’ve never—“

“Had a girl come on so strong to you before?” I offered helpfully.

“Yeah. I just—“

I waved him off. “Forget about it. I’ll admit that your over the top reaction only fueled my antics. I was enjoying making you squirm.” I chuckled when his apologetic expression morphed into one of annoyance. “I guess I owe you an apology too.”

David reached up and pushed his glasses off his face so he could pinch the bridge of his nose. “Apology accepted.” He heaved a huge sigh and mumbled, “You really don’t remember who I am, do you?”

“What? Are you saying we’ve met before the other day?” I turned my body completely to the side so I could study him better.

He dropped his glasses back into place and let his clear blue eyes bore into mine. “We went to the same high school. We graduated together. Penn Hills Senior High School.”

Shock surged through my system, blanking my mind. “What? No, no I don’t—“

“Davy Jones. People used to call me Davy Jones because of my name, you know, David Jonez.”

It suddenly all clicked. But my memory of the short geeky Davy Jones didn’t mesh with the David Jonez sitting in front of me. “No. It couldn’t be.” I very rudely grabbed his face in my hands and turned it from side to side. “Impossible,” I murmured. Someone had gone through a major growth spurt. He was still geeky; I mean who wears shirts with robots and phone booths on them? But he was now like geek chic or something, which translated to sexy panty-wetting status.

David snapped his neck back, effectively removing himself from my grasp. He glared at me while rubbing his face defensively. “You don’t have to squeeze the shit of my face. That hurt.”

I rolled my eyes. “That didn’t hurt. Stop being a baby.”

“Maybe not physically,” he mumbled to himself. “But it was definitely a slap in the face to my male pride.”

“Oh, please.” That’s when it hit me. If it really was the Davy Jones from high school—I narrowed my eyes at him and ground my teeth together. “You didn’t just pick me to be your star because of my popularity, did you, David?”

David’s eyes skidded down to the ground. “I was curious. I’m completely on the level though—I just—“

“Wanted to know why or maybe how I ended up being a porn star. Is that it?”

“Pretty much.”

I reached over and flicked him on the forehead. He made a sound of protest but looked up at me like I intended. “Well, you already got your answer. I simply love to be loved.”

“And what would you know about love?”

I swallowed to combat the sudden dryness in my throat. “More than you ever will,” I snapped as I slumped back in my seat and closed my eyes.
This is going to be a very long flight.

As I walked across the airport, my rolling suitcase in tow, I could hear David and his crew clamoring to get their film equipment together so they could start shooting me. They hadn’t wanted to miss my arrival but I wasn’t waiting for them. Isn’t a documentary supposed to be natural or some shit? Me waiting around for them didn’t fall under that definition in my book. I said I’d do the stupid film but I never promised I’d make it easy.

“Hey, Alexa—wait!” David called after me. Of course I didn’t slow down at all and I merely pretended to not hear him. I know, I’m a complete bitch. In my defense I did offer to let him fuck me. “Alexa!” David snapped as he grabbed at my suitcase to force me to at least slow down.

“Hands off, Davy Jones.” I hissed as I yanked at my bag. But David’s long fingers had a firm grip on the handle and I ended up stumbling forward, narrowly missing a face plant. “Hey—back the fuck off. At least let me get to my hotel before you get all up in my face.”

I’m not sure what it was… Maybe the extent of my anger showed in my eyes. Or maybe the uncertainty I was feeling about everything came across to him—but either way, David’s face softened. And I didn’t like it one bit. His expression said that he pitied me on some level, and there was nothing about my life that should ever warrant someone directing that emotion my way. “Yeah, okay,” he muttered, his gaze seeing too much. “But I want to do an interview with you back at the hotel. It will be a full sit down kind of deal.”

I reached up and pushed my long blonde hair behind my ears. “Fine. I can deal with that. Just give me some time to decompress first. Please.”

“No problem.”

“Thanks,” I said softly, a sudden shyness overcoming me. I stared up into David’s crystallized eyes and I saw myself reflected in their blue depths. The problem was… I wasn’t so sure I liked what was there. I shook my head slightly like I could rattle into place what was slipping lately. My thoughts…my emotions weren’t where they needed to be, and I wasn’t sure how to find my way back to myself.
Just keep going. Push through. Push through and in no time you’ll be back to your old self
. I flicked my gaze away from David, breaking the connection and walked at a quickened pace for the rental car desk.
Everything’s going to be okay. Just push through it
. My words didn’t even sound truthful in my own mind.

~Alexa

Every person, no matter who they are, has a moment in their life—a kind of crossroads moment. And when you arrive at this moment, you don’t realize that this particular moment is any different than all the others you’ve had before. You see… This sometimes catastrophic, life-altering moment is rarely recognized when you’re having it, and usually only becomes evident years later. It’s the moment when everything changes. You are irrevocably altered, intrinsically or extrinsically, sometimes both… for better or worse… all because of the choice you make in that moment. The ultimate irony… You never know you had a choice. At least I didn’t.

As I strolled into one of the larger suites in the Sheraton in Station Square, I noticed that David and I were alone, and that he had the curtains drawn back to display the impressive downtown Pittsburgh view. I hadn’t bothered to take in the scenery while in my room. But now, as I silently followed David to the interview area he had set up, I couldn’t help but admire the lit up skyline of my hometown. A weird numbing effect was making its way through my system, as if I’d stepped out of my own body. Everything felt so surreal to me. I hadn’t been back to Pittsburgh in years, and in some weird way it was if I never left, as if it was a part of every molecule in my body.

David cleared his throat and I met his blue assessing gaze. “Josh will be back soon. I sent him to get a back up bulb for the big light there.” He motioned to the general set up of lights illuminating the interview area. “We don’t have any back ups and when that happens Murphy usually has his way and it’s going to be the one that blows out.”

I nodded and sat down in the ‘hot seat’. “All right, so we wait for him then? Or do you want to get started?” I slid my gaze back at the window, riveted by the dancing lights.

“We’ll wait to start filming until he gets back but I wanted to take the opportunity to ask you a few questions—off camera—just to get you comfortable and warmed up.” I raised my eyebrows in question but remained silent. “Okay, then.” David fidgeted and then leaned forward in his seat, his eyes focusing in on me with the kind of intensity that made me want to squirm. “How is it that we went to the same school and I never knew about your mom dying?”

The laugh I produced in response contained an edge of hysteria. “Of course you’d ask me that right off the bat. I can see that you’re the go right for the juggler kind of guy. I should have known.”

“You don’t have to answer any of the questions I ask if you really don’t want to. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to ask them.” He sat up straighter in his chair and tried to pretend he wasn’t interested in my answer.

I heaved a huge sigh. I had nothing to hide. It wasn’t going to be in the documentary after all. David had already worn me down even though we’d only spent a short time together. After a few weeks I’d probably be telling him every dark little secret I had, while the camera took it all in for public consumption. “No, I’ll answer. It’s not that complicated, really. My mom killed herself when I was sixteen. Took a bottle of sleeping pills, and washed it down with a fifth of Jack Daniels.” I shrugged, the feeling of numbness pushing down on me even heavier than before. As the whistle of a boat sounded in the distance, I idly wondered what kind of boat it was and who was on it. Were they having more fun than me? Probably.