Alice (3 page)

Um, no. No – who put that there?

She looks around.

Seriously, who put that there?

I don’t think this is funny, by the way. I think this is just. Actually
childish
, so –

ALICE
goes over to the table and looks at the bottle.

And this is and this is and this is what is this?

‘Drink Me’

Drink Me. Good idea bad idea? Bad idea. Don’t be a dick.

Alice puts the bottle down on the table and steps away from it.

What would Joe do?

Step of the kerb without looking. Of course.

ALICE
goes over to the little bottle and drinks about half of it.

Quite nice, actually. Popcorn? Is it popcorn? Buttered toast.

She looks at the door again. It’s now the size of a normal door.

Big door.

That
grew
when I –

Or did I
shrink
? Did I shrink?

God this is –

Maybe I shrank. Maybe I’m tiny. Have I shrunk?

Whatever – result! Good result! Going through the door –

ALICE
goes to the door and tries the handle, but it won’t open.

What? Come on.

She turns around to look at where the table was, but because she’s shrunk, it now towers over her.

No no no no no

The key the key the key where’s the key where’s the key

Where’s the key

Where’s the key

Where’s the bloody key?

She looks up, realises it’s still on the top of the table.

Oh god.

ALICE
makes an attempt to climb the leg of the table, but there’s nothing to hold on to, it’s too slippery.

I can’t do it without the key.

Her attention is caught by a small cake on the floor.

I said
key
not
cake
.

She looks at the cake.

‘Eat Me’

That looks nice, actually. Yeah, Stranger Danger. Don’t eat the sweets.

What happens if I eat it?

What happens if I don’t?

She bites into the cake very carefully, then after a moment in which nothing terrible happens, she takes another bite, and another.

That’s actually really nice.

Three bites into it she puts a hand to her stomach.

Ooh, Alton Towers...

It seems to go away, so she carries on eating the cake.

This is so much nicer than Mr Kiplings. What’s in that icing?

ALICE
is distracted by the cake and doesn’t notice that she’s growing – the table shrinks back to normal size and the door is
replaced by a tiny one.

When she finishes the cake,
ALICE
looks at the table.

Oh yay, have I grown? I’ve grown.

ALICE
runs over to the table.

The key the key the key.

She picks up the key.

The key!

She’s about to turn around when she stops dead.

Oh no.

She turns round to have her suspicion proved true – the door has also shrunk.

Oh no.

It’s like a computer game, this. I hate computer games.

This is bloody stupid.

She’s about to give up, when she looks down and sees the bottle in her hand.

OK.

Computer game.

She drinks part of the liquid left in the bottle, then turns back and looks at the door. It’s now medium-sized.

Good good good

She drinks the rest of the bottle down, facing away from the door, and when she turns back, it’s normal-sized.

OK. Here we go. Got the key, got the door, here we go.

She goes over to the door and puts the key in the lock.

With a great clanking sound the entire back wall concertinas open to reveal what seems to be a massive cupboard, a huge jumble of mad things and madder people.

ALICE
peers into the gloom behind the door. Various figures are dimly visible but strange and unnerving.

A small mechanical toy wheels out of the gloom and whizzes past
ALICE
, along the floor. She follows it, her attention drawn away from the world
behind the door.

As
ALICE
is looking the other way, a voice calls out from the gloom, amplified by a megaphone.

CATERPILLAR:
Stay where you are.

ALICE
looks around, unsure where the voice is coming from. She moves a step or two.

I
said
. Stay where you are.

ALICE:
Is someone there?

Out of the gloom, a low vehicle comes towards
ALICE
, much like a chaise longue, but with many wheels. A large
CATERPILLAR
is
reclined on it, speaking from a megaphone.

He’s followed by a team of minions – these are Wonderlanders, citizens of the state of Wonderland.

The chaise longue stops at a short distance from
ALICE
. The
CATERPILLAR
pauses and blows into what looks like a hookah
attached to the chaise longue – when he blows into it, bubbles come out.

CATERPILLAR:
Trying to sneak across the border, were you?

ALICE:
What border?

CATERPILLAR:
By the power invested in me by the King and Queen of Wonderland I command you to cooperate with state immigration policy.

ALICE:
I can hear you fine you don’t need the thing.

CATERPILLAR:
Stand behind the line until you’re invited to approach the desk.

ALICE:
What line? What desk?

The
WONDERLANDERS
use some tape to create a line in front of
ALICE
. Then they erect a desk across the caterpillar’s
lap. They hand him various pieces of paper, which he scrutinises, and either eats or rubber stamps.

Sorry, what do I –

CATERPILLAR:
Wait until you’re called forward. You’re not the only person here, you know.

ALICE
looks behind her.

ALICE:
I sort of am.

The
WONDERLANDERS
watch her carefully, pretending that they aren’t.

She takes out her mobile phone and looks at it. No signal.

She holds it above her head and all around her, looking for a signal.

(A swear word.)
Arsene Wenger.

One of the
WONDERLANDERS
sees this and whispers to the
CATERPILLAR
. He looks at
ALICE
.

CATERPILLAR:
Hand over the device.

ALICE:
It’s not a device it’s just a – It’s Pay As You Go.

CATERPILLAR:
Are you failing to cooperate? Any failure to cooperate will result in immediate expulsion.

ALICE
hands the phone to one of the
WONDERLANDERS
. He proceeds to take it apart on the desk. He takes the battery out of the
back and sniffs it, then eats it, nodding appreciatively.

ALICE:
That’s mine, you can’t – Don’t eat it, it’s not –

The other
WONDERLANDERS
crowd around with interest and proceed to eat the other parts of the phone.

The
CATERPILLAR
looks up from his paperwork.

CATERPILLAR:
Step forward please.

ALICE:
They’ve just eaten my phone.

CATERPILLAR:
Just a few questions.

ALICE:
They’ve
eaten
my phone.

CATERPILLAR:
What’s the purpose of your visit – business or pleasure?

ALICE:
Um. Neither.

CATERPILLAR:
I don’t have to let you in, you know. If your answers are not satisfactory to me you’ll stay right here until they are.

ALICE:
Right. OK, sorry.

CATERPILLAR:
Purpose of your visit?

ALICE:
I really don’t know. I mean I’m not trying to like, move here.

CATERPILLAR:
How long do you plan to stay?

ALICE:
Um. I don’t know. The rabbit didn’t say, so –

He said I have to go to the Heart, do you know where that is?

CATERPILLAR:
We are the Wonderland State Border Control, not a tourist information office.

Take this form.

The
CATERPILLAR
hands a piece of paper to
ALICE
.

ALICE:
Thank you. I haven’t got a pen.

CATERPILLAR:
You’re supposed to fold it up nicely and give it back to me.

ALICE:
Um. OK.

ALICE
starts to fold up the paper.

CATERPILLAR:
As interestingly as possible.

ALICE:
OK, um. Like a paper aeroplane or –

CATERPILLAR:
A swan, maybe?

ALICE:
I can do an aeroplane.

CATERPILLAR:
Fine.

ALICE
makes a paper aeroplane during the next.

Are you now or have you ever been involved in terrorist activity?

ALICE:
No.

CATERPILLAR:
International espionage? Arms trading?

ALICE:
Not as far as I know. No.

CATERPILLAR:
Have you any pastry with you?

ALICE:
Pastry?

CATERPILLAR:
No filo, no puff, no pâté sucree?

ALICE:
No.

CATERPILLAR:
No jams, marmalades, chutneys or other conserves or condiments about your person?

ALICE:
What? No.

CATERPILLAR:
You sure?

ALICE:
Yes.

CATERPILLAR:
Any baggage with you?

ALICE:
No.

CATERPILLAR:
Any emotional baggage?

ALICE:
What?

CATERPILLAR:
The State of Wonderland is an Emotional State. Do you have any emotional baggage?

ALICE:
Um. No.

CATERPILLAR:
That means yes. Could anyone have tampered with your emotional baggage without your knowledge?

ALICE:
If they had, I wouldn’t know, would I?

CATERPILLAR:
PROCESS HER!

ALICE:
What?

Some of the
WONDERLANDERS
surround
ALICE
. Others whip out instruments and start to play a song (this is the
WONDERBAND
). The
WONDERLANDERS
sing as they work.

CATERPILLAR:
Arms out.

ALICE
puts her arms out to the sides. One of the
WONDERLANDERS
pats her down.

WONDERLANDERS:
(Singing)

When you’re talking to the caterpillar

Don’t be rude, remove your haterpillar

Don’t you know he’s where it’s aterpillar

Better comply

CATERPILLAR:
Open wide!

ALICE
opens her mouth and one of the
WONDERLANDERS
takes a scrape from inside her cheek.

WONDERLANDERS:
(Singing)

If he asks you what’s the matterpillar

Can’t rely on idle patterpillar

Or flirtatious gracious chatterpillar

Better not lie

During this verse one of the
WONDERLANDERS
pulls a hair out of
ALICE
’s head.

ALICE:
Ouch!

The hair is transferred to an envelope with tweezers, in the manner of a forensic expert on CSI.

The
WONDERLANDERS
break into the chorus of the song, a disconcertingly carnival tune:

WONDERLANDERS:
(Singing)

Welcome to Wonderland!

Enjoy the Wonderband!

There’s nothing underhand about us!

Welcome to Wonderland!

If you’ve got contraband

This is the time for you to give it up

CATERPILLAR:
Body scan!

One of the
WONDERLANDERS
uses an old bedpan on a long stick to scan
ALICE
’s body (like a long-handled metal detector).
He makes a beeping noise with his mouth when the scanner is close to Alice’s pockets.

WONDERLANDERS:
(Singing softly as dialogue between
ALICE
and
CATERPILLAR
continues)

When you’re talking to the caterpillar

Don’t be rude, remove your haterpillar

Don’t you know he’s where it’s aterpillar

Better comply

If he asks you what’s the matterpillar

Can’t rely on idle patterpillar

Or flirtatious gracious chatterpillar

Better not lie

CATERPILLAR:
Empty your pockets.

ALICE
empties her pockets – a lip balm and a couple of sweets – onto the
CATERPILLAR
’s desk.

The
WONDERLANDER
scans her again. The scanner beeps again near her pocket.

ALICE:
He’s making that noise with his mouth.

CATERPILLAR:
What else have you got in there?

ALICE:
It’s nothing, it –

CATERPILLAR:
Take it out!

ALICE
pulls a plectrum out of her pocket.

ALICE:
Look – It’s just – it’s just a plectrum.

CATERPILLAR:
Give it to me.

ALICE:
I can’t, it’s very important.

CATERPILLAR:
Put it on the desk.

The
WONDERLANDERS
’ singing peters out as they get distracted by listening...