Alice (6 page)

CHESHIRE CAT:
You mustn’t worry about a little thing like being mad.

ALICE:
I’m not worried. I’m not mad.

CHESHIRE CAT:
We’re all mad here, we’re all crazy as milkshake. Mad as a bag of trifle. You can’t get past Border Control, you know,
without demonstrating certifiable insanity.

ALICE:
I’m not mad – something awful happened to me.

CHESHIRE CAT:
Then you’ve got an excuse – Enjoy it. Why not?

ALICE:
Because – it’s not a fun kind of mad. It’s not silly string, and – feeling a bit funny ‘cause you’ve had too
many Haribos.

Something really bad happened to me, and –

CHESHIRE CAT:
Yes?

ALICE:
You’re smiling.

CHESHIRE CAT:
I can’t help it, I’m a Cheshire Cat.

ALICE:
Something really bad happened to me and that’s why.

CHESHIRE CAT:
Bad like you climbed a tree and then couldn’t get down again?

ALICE:
Worse than that.

CHESHIRE CAT:
Bad like your mouse toy went under a radiator and as hard as you stretched you couldn’t pull it out?

ALICE:
Much worse.

CHESHIRE CAT:
Bad like someone’s opened a can of tuna and you can’t
believe
they’re not going to give you any?

ALICE:
Yeah, I don’t think – Forget it, I’ve got to –

She looks at the signposts again
.

It just doesn’t make sense.

CHESHIRE CAT:
Sweetness, what use is sense to anyone?

How adorable of you to want it to make sense. Nothing makes sense, love, just shut your eyes and accept it –

ALICE:
But I don’t know which way to go!

CHESHIRE CAT:
You end up in the same place whichever sign you follow.

ALICE:
Sorry?

CHESHIRE CAT:
Whichever sign you follow, you end up in the same place.

ALICE:
You mean – No, but one says Hatter and one says Hare.

CHESHIRE CAT:
The Hare and the Hatter are having tea together – so if you follow the sign for the Hatter you get to the Hare and if you follow the
sign for the Hare, you get to the Hatter.

ALICE:
They point to the same place.

CHESHIRE CAT:
Eventually.

ALICE:
So if they all point to the same place, that must be the middle, mustn’t it? That must be the Heart... Logically.

OK, good. It’s not me that’s mad, it’s
here
, it’s Wonderland. So if I was a mad person, what would I –

CHESHIRE CAT:
I could keep you company. Ever run barefoot through a lollipop field?

ALICE:
Look, I’m trying to –

CHESHIRE CAT:
Ever heard the song of the rainbow bird?

ALICE:
It’s just I’m trying to think here –

CHESHIRE CAT:
Do you know how they make stripy toothpaste?

ALICE:
Look, I’m sure you’re lovely but could you please go away.

CHESHIRE CAT:
Harsh, my darling – I’m wounded.

ALICE:
I’ll rub your tummy once more if you go away after.

CHESHIRE CAT:
How can I resist?

He stretches and
ALICE
rubs his tummy very briefly
.

ALICE:
OK, off you go now.

CHESHIRE CAT:
No, you go.

ALICE:
You go.

CHESHIRE CAT:
No, you.

ALICE:
Seriously. Really go.

CHESHIRE CAT:
Yeah, alright I’m going.

Some people have no taste.

The
CAT
stalks off, his tail in the air
.

ALICE:
So – ok, so all I have to do is follow the signs, yeah?

She looks at one
.

H R TEA.

ALICE
walks in the way the sign seems to be pointing.

The signs will take me to the tea party at the centre of the universe and when I get there there’ll probably be a door –

She looks at another sign
.

H R TEA – this way.

ALICE
walks in the direction that sign points to. She passes the
POSTMAN
, pulling the postbox behind him
.

Hello.

POSTMAN:
G’morning.

ALICE:
So there’ll be a door and I’ll go through it and then I’ll be back in my house.

ALICE
stops, thinking. The
POSTMAN
also stops and starts to search through his postbox for something
.

Back at home with all those people. And the funeral.

POSTMAN:
Hang on a minute...

ALICE:
What?

POSTMAN:
Here it is – postcard for you.

The
POSTMAN
hands the postcard to
ALICE
and moves off
.

ALICE:
Yeah, thanks for the warning, by the way, about the Duchess.

ALICE
looks down at the postcard and reads it
.

‘Don’t forget what’s in your pocket’

POSTMAN:
Cheerio then.

ALICE:
It doesn’t say who it’s from.

ALICE
turns to the
POSTMAN
, but he’s gone already
.

‘Don’t forget what’s in your pocket’? There’s nothing in my pocket, it’s all been eaten or given away as a prize or flipping confiscated or
–

Oh.

ALICE
pulls the other letter out of her pocket – the one the
POSTMAN
gave her earlier
.

There was a letter. Divvy.

ALICE
opens the letter. Unseen by her, the
WONDERBAND
arrange themselves close by
.

OK, it’s a poem or something.

She turns the letter over
.

God, does no one sign their letters here?

She turns it back over and starts to read
.

’Twas brillig, and the slithy toves

Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;

The
WONDERBAND
take over and start to sing.
ALICE
turns around, surprised
.

WONDERBAND:
(Singing)

’Twas brillig, and the slithy toves

Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;

ALICE
closes the letter and the band stops abruptly
.

She turns back to read it on her own but as soon as she opens it the band starts up again
.

All mimsy were the borogoves,

And the mome raths outgrabe.

She closes it again and they stop
.

She opens it very quickly and they start up, then she shuts it again after only a word or so
.

ALICE
turns back to the band
.

ALICE:
Sorry, can’t I just read it myself –

WONDERBANDER:
We’ve been paid to sing it, so –

ALICE:
Yeah, I don’t really like being sung to.

WONDERBANDER:
If someone gives you a song you’ve got to listen.

WONDERBANDER:
Please.

ALICE:
Fine, OK, go on.

The
WONDERBAND
play her the whole poem
.

WONDERBAND:
(Singing)

’Twas brillig, and the slithy toves

Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;

All mimsy were the borogoves,

And the mome raths outgrabe.

“Beware the Jabberwock, my son!

The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!

Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun

The frumious Bandersnatch!”

He took his vorpal sword in hand:

Long time the manxome foe he sought–

So rested he by the Tumtum tree,

And stood awhile in thought.

And as in uffish thought he stood,

The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,

Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,

And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! and through and through

The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!

He left it dead, and with its head

He went galumphing back.

“And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?

Come to my arms, my beamish boy!

O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!”

He chortled in his joy.

’Twas brillig, and the slithy toves

Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;

All mimsy were the borogoves,

And the mome raths outgrabe.

The band stop.
ALICE
looks at the band, unsure what to do now.

ALICE:
OK, could I have a translation, maybe?

One of the musicians comes towards
ALICE
with a clipboard
.

WONDERBANDER:
Sign here please.

ALICE:
Why?

WONDERBANDER:
To say you received the song.

ALICE
signs the clipboard. The other band members start to move away
.

ALICE:
Hang on, you’re not – Aren’t you going to explain to me what it means?

WONDERBANDER:
Not our job, love. We’re just paid to sing it. Need a poetic licence if you want it explained.

ALICE
looks at the piece of paper in her hand
.

ALICE:
But what’s the point if you won’t say who it’s from and you won’t tell me what it means?

WONDERBANDER:
We don’t write it, yeah, we just play it. Ask the Union.

The
WONDERBAND
leave
.

ALICE:
Is this supposed to distract me? Throw me off the path.

No, I was on a path, wasn’t I – I was – I was going to the Hatter and the Hare, following the signposts to the –

ALICE
looks around
.

Following the signposts which have gone.

Maybe that means I’m here already – you don’t have a sign pointing to Sheffield when you’re in Sheffield, do you?

Oh.

ALICE
sees the tea party and approaches quietly, not wanting them to see her yet
.

HATTER
is standing on a chair, regaling the
HARE
and the sleeping
DORMOUSE
with a story
.

HATTER:
So there am I, standing on a chair in front of the queen, no less –

HARE:
No less, no more.

HATTER:
The queen! Demanding I sing her a song.

HARE:
Dear me, whatever did you do?

HATTER:
I opened my mouth – and out came this, the most dreadful thing:

(Sings)

Twinkle twinkle little bat!

How I wonder what you’re at!

Up above the world you fly,

Like a tea tray in the sky –

ALICE
moves closer, staying out of sight
.

HARE:
A dreadful thing!

DORMOUSE:
Twinkle twinkle...

HATTER:
A very dreadful thing – I mixed the head voice and the chest voice. Unforgivable! And how was I to know the queen can’t abide
vibrato?

Stamped on my pocket watch in disgust, she did. I’m lucky to have escaped with my head.

DORMOUSE:
Twinkle twinkle –

The
HATTER
holds up his watch to show the others
.

HATTER:
Six o’clock, always six o’clock and nothing to be done about it.

The
HATTER
looks at his watch
.

Look at that – time for tea.

He climbs down off his chair.
ALICE
tries to duck out of sight, but it’s too late – he sees her
.

Wait – who’s there –

HARE:
Who is it, who’s there?

HATTER:
A spy –

The
HARE
quickly takes a pot of jam from the table top and hides it underneath
.

HARE:
A spy – good gracious!

ALICE:
I’m not a spy – I promise, I’m just looking for –

Are you the Hatter and the Hare?

HATTER:
She’s an emissary from the queen.

ALICE:
I’m not, I promise.

HARE:
Prove it.

ALICE:
I’m just looking for the middle, the centre. Of, um, Wonderland. Is there, like a door here somewhere?

HARE:
A door? A door?

HATTER:
When is a door not a door?

ALICE:
Um, when it’s ajar. That’s really old.

DORMOUSE:
A jar of jam.

HARE:
No jam! No jam!

HATTER:
Are you sure you’re not the queen’s spy? You do look awfully like her.

HARE:
She does look awfully like her.

HATTER:
Two arms, two legs, nose right in the middle of your face like that.

ALICE:
I’ve never met the bloody queen!

HARE:
Nasty, vicious temper she’s got.

HATTER:
Don’t they teach you manners? At
spy school
?

The
HATTER
and
HARE
advance on
ALICE
and back her into a chair. The
HARE
arranges a lamp so that it’s shining directly into
ALICE
’s face
.

ALICE:
School’s not supposed to teach you manners, that’s for your parents – school’s for maths and stuff.

HATTER:
Maths, you say – let’s see, shall we?

HARE:
Can you do Addition?

HATTER:
What’s one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one?