Alice (5 page)

ALICE:
She wants you to come to a croquet match followed by tea and tarts –

The
DUCHESS
screams.

DUCHESS:
Tea! Tarts! Dress Code?

ALICE:
Dress Code: No babies.

DUCHESS:
Ah. Right. No babies.

No no, well. I can see why you wouldn’t want any babies at a croquet match –

Cookie, d’you think you could –

The
DUCHESS
looks over to the table, to see the
COOK
hacking up another cuddly toy.
COOK
looks up
from the work and glares at the
DUCHESS
.

No, nothing dear.

The
DUCHESS
looks at
ALICE
.

Party game!

ALICE:
Sorry?

DUCHESS:
To celebrate.

ALICE:
I’ve still got to go, though, so –

DUCHESS:
Cookie – bring the plates.

ALICE:
The game has plates?

DUCHESS:
Spread out everyone.

The
COOK
and the
DUCHESS
form two points of a triangle, with
ALICE
being the other point.

Now, this is what you have to do –

ALICE
sees that the
COOK
has turned towards the
DUCHESS
, and is swinging a plate, ready to throw
it.

ALICE:
No!

DUCHESS:
Catch!

The
DUCHESS
throws the baby to
ALICE
, who catches it safely. The
DUCHESS
catches the plate.

There, you see.

The baby wriggles in
ALICE
’s arms. She’s quite shaken by the moment.

ALICE:
Yeah, OK, I –

DUCHESS:
Thank you, Cookie.

The
DUCHESS
starts to swing the plate to throw to
ALICE
.

ALICE:
I don’t think we need to do it ag –

The
DUCHESS
throws the plate.

Help!

ALICE
throws the baby to the
COOK
, who catches it, having just thrown another plate to the
DUCHESS
.

They continue throwing the plates and the baby around in the circle.

What happens now?

DUCHESS:
You keep going until the music stops.

ALICE:
What music?

The
WONDERBAND
appear out of nowhere and play music.

The game continues, with the
COOK
and
DUCHESS
stepping back each time to widen the circle and make the throwing harder, to
ALICE
’s dismay.

When the music stops,
ALICE
finds she’s the one holding the baby.

DUCHESS:
And that’s the end of the game. Well done everyone, very good.

The baby farts.

Well done baby.

ALICE:
Great – thank you, that was enormous –

ALICE
tries to hand the baby back to the
DUCHESS
.

DUCHESS:
No no, you must give the prizes.

ALICE:
OK. Did someone win?

DUCHESS:
Everybody won, and all must have prizes.

The
COOK
applauds, excited.

ALICE:
Um, I haven’t got – I haven’t got anything.

DUCHESS:
What have you got in your pocket?

ALICE
goes for her pocket, struggling to keep hold of the baby, who’s still wriggling. She pulls out a couple of small objects.

ALICE:
I’ve got a lip balm and a lemon Starburst.

DUCHESS:
Oh super!

The
DUCHESS
dashes in and grabs the lemon Starburst for herself.
ALICE
holds the lipbalm towards the
COOK
who snatches it. The
DUCHESS
stuffs the sweet into her mouth.

ALICE:
Um, you have to take the paper off –

The
COOK
winds up the lip balm and takes a bite out of it. The
DUCHESS
starts to back away from
ALICE
.

DUCHESS:
And your prize is the baby.

ALICE:
Sorry, what?

DUCHESS:
You get to keep the baby.

ALICE:
No no, wait – No, hang on, you can’t –

The
COOK
takes another bite of the lip balm and then also starts to back away.

DUCHESS:
(Departing.)
You’re terribly good with him – he loves you.

ALICE:
What am I going to do with a baby? Hello?

The baby wriggles.

Stop wriggling – like holding a jellyfish.

ALICE
tries to follow the
COOK
and
DUCHESS
, but she can’t hold the baby and move. As
ALICE
stands there, even the kitchen starts to retreat away from her.

Oh what, you’re leaving as well, are you?

The kitchen stops momentarily, as if chastened, then continues to creep back away from her.

ALICE
looks down at the baby in her arms. He’s still screaming.

Oh please stop that.

ALICE
tries bouncing the baby.

Come on – bouncy bouncy –

BABY:
Oink!

ALICE:
Pardon?

BABY:
Oink!

ALICE
looks at the
BABY
’s face properly for the first time.

ALICE:
Oh my god. You look like –

BABY:
Oink!

The
BABY
wriggles free of its blankets and the head of a piglet appears, wearing a baby’s bonnet.

ALICE:
You’re
actually
a pig. Oh god this is too weird.

The piglet wriggles so hard that
ALICE
is forced to let him down onto the floor.

OK, OK, you want to go –

The piglet dashes off on a winding course until out of sight.

No, wait – wait – you’re not supposed to –

You’re on your own, kid. Computer game’s broken. I think I’m lost.

During this, a number of candy-striped poles grow up out of the floor. While they’re still short, a couple of
WONDERLANDERS
, unseen by
ALICE
, attach arrow-shaped boards to the top of them so that they become signposts.

No, come on, Al, think properly. Got to find this Heart thing. OK, so it’s not like
biologically
a heart because – I mean how could you
go
there, so
–

So what else does heart mean?

The Heart means the middle, right, the middle of something? The centre.

So if I’m in a
place
, I’ve got to find the middle of it.

Except I haven’t got a chuffing map.

ALICE
looks around and sees the signposts.

Oh. OK. This is better.

ALICE
goes to the signpost closer to her and tries to read the writing at the top of it. It says ‘HERE’, and points downwards.

Here. Ok, I’m here.

Behind
ALICE
a creature slinks across the stage in a rakish fashion – a self-styled lady killer in cowboy boots and a shirt with frilly cuffs.
When he sees
ALICE
, he stops, his face breaking into a broad grin.

He stands still with a hand on his hip. The
CHESHIRE CAT
.

CHESHIRE CAT:
Hello you.

ALICE
looks at him.

I said, hello
you
.

ALICE:
Hi.

ALICE
goes back to looking at the other signposts.

CHESHIRE CAT:
What’s a gorgeous creature like you doing all alone?

ALICE:
I’m not alone –

CHESHIRE CAT:
That’s a fib, naughty. Come over here, don’t be unkind.

ALICE:
I’m alright, thanks.

ALICE
looks at another signpost. The
CHESHIRE CAT
sidles up to her without her realising.

And this one says ‘There’, which is there – so there’s a place called here and a place called there –

CHESHIRE CAT:
Mind if I rub against your leg?

ALICE
jumps a little, looks at him with her best hard stare. He leans against one of the signposts, using it like a scratching pole. He smiles.
It’s unnerving.

ALICE:
Why are you smiling?

CHESHIRE CAT:
Why aren’t you? It takes a lot more muscles to frown than smile, you know.

ALICE:
Yeah, I need the exercise.

CHESHIRE CAT:
Feisty – I like it.

The
CAT
starts to purr.

ALICE:
What are you doing?

CHESHIRE CAT:
It means I like you.

The
CAT
stretches his arms up.

Stroke my tummy.

ALICE:
Do you know how old I am?

CHESHIRE CAT:
Cat years?

ALICE:
What?

Oh, OK, you’re a cat.

CHESHIRE CAT:
Stroke my tummy.

ALICE:
I won’t, if you don’t mind.

God’s sake, cats, rabbits...

The cat’s ears prick up, he’s suddenly alert.

CHESHIRE CAT:
Rabbit? Where?

ALICE:
No, not – Oh look please go away, I’ve got something I’ve got to do.

She looks at another sign.

This one says ‘everywhere’. But it only points to one place.

The
CAT
plays with a swingball toy attached to the pole and it spins around.

Right, OK.

This doesn’t make sense.

The
CAT
stops and looks at
ALICE
, arching his back and purring.

ALICE:
Oh for god’s –

CHESHIRE CAT:
What?

ALICE:
I wish you’d stop.

CHESHIRE CAT:
Stop what?

ALICE:
Trying to. Flirt me, or whatever.

CHESHIRE CAT:
But you’re lovely.

ALICE:
Thanks, but. I’m busy.

CHESHIRE CAT:
Fair dos, my darling. Thought you might need my help, that’s all.

ALICE:
Well I don’t.

CHESHIRE CAT:
Fine. Cheery-bye.

ALICE
moves off, trying to look purposeful. The
CAT
sets to work attaching extra signs to the signposts.
ALICE
watches, surprised. The
CAT
continues to watch her out of the corner of his eye.

ALICE:
OK, I do need some help. But I’m only asking ‘cause you’re the only person here.

CHESHIRE CAT:
Flattery will get you everywhere.

ALICE:
Just, since you’ve got signposts, you might be able to help me find the Heart.

CHESHIRE CAT:
Ah, the Heart.

ALICE:
Geographically.

CHESHIRE CAT:
Yes yes.

ALICE:
So?

CHESHIRE CAT:
Stroke my tummy?

ALICE:
No.

CHESHIRE CAT:
Stroke my tummy. D’you want my help or not?

ALICE
looks at him, realises he won’t help unless she obliges. She reaches out and at arms’ length scratches his tummy lightly with her
fingertips
.

He purrs
.

ALICE:
OK, that’s enough. Which way do I go?

CHESHIRE CAT:
Any way, really.

ALICE:
Answer properly.

CHESHIRE CAT:
Well read the signs.

The
CAT
shows her one of his signs. It reads ‘H R TEA’

Look. Heart.

ALICE:
But that doesn’t say Heart.

CHESHIRE CAT:
Yes it does.

ALICE:
It says H.R. TEA.

CHESHIRE CAT:
Spells Heart.

ALICE:
But it doesn’t.

CHESHIRE CAT:
It does if you want it to.

ALICE:
Where do I get to if I follow it?

CHESHIRE CAT:
Exactly as it says – tea with the Hatter.

ALICE:
It’s short for Hatter Tea.

CHESHIRE CAT:
Yes, my darling.

ALICE:
OK, that doesn’t really help. What about this one over here –

She goes to another sign. It also says H R TEA
.

That says the same thing.

CHESHIRE CAT:
No it doesn’t.

ALICE:
What?

CHESHIRE CAT:
It says Hare Tea. That one’s tea with the Hatter, this one’s for tea with the Hare.

ALICE:
Hare? Like a rabbit?

CHESHIRE CAT:
Rabbit? Where?

ALICE:
No, I mean –

So ‘Hr’ means Hatter and it means Hare as well?

CHESHIRE CAT:
Yes.

ALICE:
Great, so that’s not confusing at all. And it doesn’t help me decide which way to go, either. Hatter or Hare.

CHESHIRE CAT:
They’re both mad, of course.

ALICE:
OK, can I go somewhere where there aren’t any mad people?

CHESHIRE CAT:
We’re all mad here, sweetness.

ALICE:
I’m not.