Alice Brown's Lessons in the Curious Art of Dating (21 page)

‘Foxy!’ said Sheryl with a low wolf whistle.

The two women suspended hostilities to survey Alice. Audrey stood with her mouth hanging open, but Sheryl peered at Alice shrewdly, appraising her like a prizefighter sussing out his opponent. Several long seconds passed. Alice seemed to be vainly searching for a neutral spot to look at.

‘Alice!’ said John suddenly, breaking the awkward silence again. Everyone had momentarily forgotten he was there. ‘I’m John. I’m so pleased to finally meet you.’ He shook her hand warmly. ‘Audrey’s told me so much about you.’

‘Oh!’ Alice said shyly. ‘Thank you. Lovely to meet you too. We’re all very impressed by the beautiful bouquets you send Audrey.’

Audrey saw confusion fly briefly across John’s face.

‘Yes, well, I see you got here in one piece,’ she interjected.

Sheryl was still appraising Alice. ‘My, my!’ she drawled menacingly. ‘What a dark horse you are, Msssss Brown. We’ll have to keep a closer eye on you in future.’ And she gave Alice what could only be described as ‘a look’.

Audrey blinked in incomprehension. She didn’t have a clue what the ‘look’ was meant to say. She just wanted Sheryl out of John’s sight as fast as possible.

‘Yes, well, don’t let us keep you, Sheryl. You must have a million things to do.’

Sheryl’s eyes broke away from Alice. ‘You know, Audrey,’ she said amiably, ‘for once, you’re absolutely right! I must check that Lucy Lucinda’ – she flashed a smile at John – ‘. . . our
celebrity guest
– has everything she needs. You know, refill her glass, plump up her cushions, top up her Botox.
I left poor Brad looking after her, the darling. She was ever so taken with him; she’s probably eaten him alive!’ She turned to John, her chest provocatively extended. ‘John, gorgeous to see you again! And Audrey, may the best woman win!’ And she sashayed swiftly away.

‘Win what?’ Audrey thought bleakly and she instinctively tightened her grip on John’s arm.

A waitress walked past with a drinks tray. As John claimed a couple of glasses of champagne for the women, Audrey became aware of Alice again. She was hovering awkwardly, groping for something to say.

‘I’m sure Table For Two stands a very good chance of winning Bureau of the Year,’ Alice managed meekly.

‘Good chance?’ Audrey bristled. ‘We’ve got far more ABC1s than Sheryl. Her clients are positively downmarket.’

‘I didn’t know that kind of thing mattered,’ Alice said innocently.

‘Of course it matters!’ Audrey scoffed. ‘Class always matters.’ She beamed at John and then deliberately let an awkward silence settle.

Alice took the hint.

‘Well, I’m sure you didn’t invite me here for the free drink. I must go and network. Nice to meet you, John.’ She smiled, turned and made her way into the crowd. As she left, Audrey caught a glimpse of her bare back, lean, toned and surprisingly youthful against the black satin of her dress. It looked . . .
sexy
.

‘Oh!’ she exclaimed with a small choking sound.

‘Are you all right, Audrey?’ John asked in concern.

‘Perfectly, thank you,’ she replied tartly and steered him into a quieter corner where they had less chance of being disturbed by tantalizing views.

Three glasses of champagne later the toastmaster called everyone to the great hall for dinner. Audrey always thought it preposterous that a golf club should call its draughty canteen a ‘great hall’. But tonight, in her favourite dress and feeling like a Hollywood film star as John put his hand gently on the small of her back and guided her towards their table, she decided to overlook it.

As she struggled to catch her breath under the heat of John’s touch, they found their table in prime position in front of the stage. Whilst John shook hands with their fellow diners Audrey took the opportunity to inspect the place cards.

It’s a commonly known fact that whom one is positioned next to at dinner is a direct reflection of one’s standing. She peeked at the place card next to her. Surely there had to be some kind of mistake! She looked again. She’d been placed next to Matteus.
Matteus!!
Her blissful mood shattered. A woman of her standing should be seated next to President Ernie –
or at least President Ernie’s wife
. Not Matteus! He wasn’t even a bureau deputy. He was just the latest bit of fluff employed by Love Birds, and probably via Sheryl’s grubby casting couch at that. And worst of all, he wasn’t even a real matchmaker. Didn’t he just do the silly web-dating stuff? He barely qualified to be at the ball at all.

The small prickle of rash on Audrey’s neck, that had been
cooling since her earlier run-in with Sheryl, flared angrily again. She drained her champagne glass angrily. Oh, how Sheryl must have laughed over this little stunt. She’d been dumped in the networking equivalent of Siberia.

Audrey suddenly realized her jaw was clenched, and that John might see it in his peripheral vision. She tried to relax. She heard the end of a joke that John was telling Barry Chambers, and forced out a shrill laugh. John looked at her and Audrey pushed her lips into a rigid grimace that she hoped would pass as a smile. John smiled and turned back to Barry. Audrey sat down heavily.

She looked around the table to see where everyone else was sitting. Of course, Sheryl had awarded herself prime position, tucked between Brad and President Ernie, with a direct view of the stage. It was the golden ticket of place settings. Next to Brad was Alice (
Alice! Even Alice had a better seat than her!
), then Matteus, then Audrey and John (Audrey’s back was square to the stage). Barry Chambers, his wife Eileen and President Ernie’s wife, Patricia, completed the circle.

Sheryl was making the most of her access to President Ernie’s ear, and was whispering something that caused him suddenly to lean back and roar with laughter.

Audrey squeezed her fist in frustration, her coral-painted nails cutting white half-moons into her palm. She barely noticed John refilling her glass, or a waitress placing her dinner before her. The sight of a preening, flirting Sheryl Toogood filled her vision.

At that moment Matteus arrived.

‘Audrey! Ciao!’ he beamed, swooping down to kiss her on both cheeks. Audrey’s neck flushed deeper. The audacity, she thought, as she awarded him the tiniest of nods. He probably wasn’t even Italian or Spanish or whatever it was he was passing himself off as. He sounded distinctly Estuary to her.
And
he was late.

Audrey went back to glaring at Sheryl, who had momentarily abandoned Ernie’s ear in favour of Brad’s, which she was brazenly nibbling. Brad was one of those men, Audrey noted, who probably spent several hours a day at the gym, and several more gazing at himself in the mirror. He was a man far too intimately acquainted with hair gel.
And
he was orange.

Audrey took a large sip of champagne and threw a tight smile at John. Sheryl’s hands were becoming increasingly animated and were flitting all over Brad. It was putting Audrey off her dinner. Sheryl leaned over and whispered something to Brad, who grinned crudely and licked his lips in an obvious sexual gesture. Audrey felt a stab of indigestion. Really! This wasn’t the way to behave at a professional function. And Brad was far too young for Sheryl, and vain and shallow and vacuous to boot. Not a man at all. More like an over-pumped, over-groomed male bimbo, and probably as thick as custard.

Audrey viciously shovelled a roast potato into her mouth and sneaked a glimpse at John. Unaware of either the rage bubbling next to him or the Bangkok floor show in front, he was politely making conversation with Eileen Chambers. Audrey tried to concentrate on feeling proud. John was the
polar opposite of Brad: handsome, intelligent and discreet. And he was hers and hers alone, if only for a few hours and at quite a substantial price. She felt a sudden rush of love for him. She knew that, deep down, he too was longing for the day when they could throw caution to the wind and abandon the rigmarole of invoices and dealing through the chaperone of Geraldine. He too must surely wish for a time when they could officially be together. Holding her breath and steeling her nerves, Audrey let the champagne get the better of her. If Sheryl Toogood could get away with her
Kama Sutra
manoeuvres on the other side of the table, then surely Audrey could manage a little discreet but cosy intimacy too?

Dizzy with excitement she moved towards John and attempted an affectionate half-nuzzle into his arm. In an ideal world John would have responded with spontaneous tenderness, put his arm around her and drawn her in close for an embrace. But in an ideal world Audrey wouldn’t have been naturally clumsy or unknowingly drunk. Her off-balance lurch wouldn’t have caught him by surprise, her alarmingly heavy nosedive wouldn’t have cronked his funny bone and shot his fork out of his hand, whizzing it violently through the air, only narrowly avoiding a collision with the chandelier earrings of President Ernie’s wife. In an ideal world Audrey’s unprovoked nuzzle wouldn’t have looked to all and sundry like an ill-aimed headbutt. Alarmed, John broke away from his conversation and twisted in his seat, only to see Audrey finish executing a manoeuvre that looked like a drunken attempt to wipe her nose on his sleeve.

‘Audrey, are you all right?’ John sounded alarmed.

Embarrassed, Audrey swiftly pulled up, turned away from John’s worried expression and launched into animated conversation with Matteus. As Matteus started twittering his CV at her, and John hesitantly resumed his conversation with Eileen Chambers, Audrey did her best to ignore both the slick of coral lipstick that was smeared across John’s sleeve and the spot in the centre of her forehead that throbbed from its thumping connection with his elbow. Physical pain and cosmetic damage were easy to blot out. What was more difficult to ignore was the unending cackle coming from Sheryl’s side of the table.

Alice was doing her best to see her champagne glass as half full. As instructed, she’d been careful to pace herself, making sure she didn’t drink too much and bring to life Audrey’s determined premonition that she’d shame the good name of Table For Two. Under any other circumstances she’d have described her mid-filled champagne glass as half empty. But tonight, against all the odds, she was doing her best to keep positive. Her glass was half full. She straightened in her seat and tried to look like she was having the time of her life.

The truth was that nobody had spoken to her for several minutes now. On her left Brad was busy being groped by Sheryl, and Alice was finding it hard to keep pretending she couldn’t see what was happening beneath the table. Every now and again Brad and Sheryl would emit a dirty-sounding laugh, or break off to share a joke with Ernie, but it had been a long time since Brad had said anything at all to Alice. It was probably just as well. When he’d last spoken to her he’d been so flirtatious she hadn’t known how to respond and had taken so long to think of a suitable answer that he’d got bored and turned away.

Besides, being invisible to that side of the table was probably a good thing, Alice told herself as everyone chatted busily around her. She’d always found Sheryl intimidating, with her chink-proof confidence and planet-sized ambition. But now that Sheryl had let her in on her dastardly matchmaking secret, Alice was officially on her radar, and that was a frightening place to be. Whether she’d wanted it or not, she now had information on Sheryl – information given only on the understanding she was coming to work for her. But Alice had turned her down, and Sheryl wasn’t the type to live and let live. Waiting for her punishment was an agony . . . but nothing compared to the agony of working out what she should do with her newly discovered secret.

She couldn’t do
nothing
; clients were suffering. And OK, so they weren’t
her
clients, but worrying about them was keeping her awake at night nevertheless. Wasn’t it her moral duty to put things right . . . ? But how? Who should she tell? Audrey? Not likely. Audrey was just as intimidating as Sheryl, and to tell her would also mean admitting she’d committed professional treason and gone for a coffee with Sheryl behind her back. And besides: what if Audrey was in on the matchmaking scam too? No, she needed to be sure of Audrey’s innocence first. But if that took too long, who else could she tell? Ernie? He
was
the DIPS president, after all, and a man of unimpeachable standards. And he’d practically written the book when it came to matchmaking.
But
, Alice thought, watching Sheryl squeeze Ernie’s arm as they laughed at a joke only they could hear . . .
but
... it would just be her word against Sheryl’s. Why on earth should
Ernie believe a mousy little employee from a mid-ranking agency over the high-profile, high-achieving owner of the city’s fastest growing bureau?