Aligned: Volume 4 (12 page)

He looks solemn as he continues speaking. “It’s the day my father died.”
 

I put the dress on the edge of the bed and kiss him softly on the cheek. “I don’t mind having dinner with you and your mother.”
 

He smiles and looks at his watch. “Can you be ready in an hour?”
 

“Of course.”
 

***

I hold onto Ethan’s arm as we walk into the swanky restaurant. I’m nervous as I walk side by side with Ethan to our table. Laura has never liked me. And I’m afraid she is going to see right through my sudden loving façade. She is going to point out that I am an imposter just playing Ethan to try to save those he has hurt.
 

I can’t flirt my way into Laura’s good graces. I somehow need to make her like me. Or better yet, make Ethan not like her and trust me more than he does her.
 

Ethan holds out the chair for me, and I take a seat. He takes the chair next to me. I fidget nervously with my napkin in my lap.
 

“Are you okay?” Ethan asks.
 

I force a smile on my face. “Yes, just nervous to see your mother. I haven’t exactly been in her good graces.”

Ethan grabs hold of my hand trying to calm me, but his touch just makes my nerves worse.
 

“She likes you fine.”
 

“Have you started working at the law firm here yet?” I ask changing the subject.
 

“I have. I’ll be going in at least five days a week. Sometimes more. So you’ll have to find something to keep you busy while I’m away. Maybe working with Mother on her fundraisers and charity events.”
 

I take a drink of my water before I answer him. “Maybe.”
 

I glance up and see Laura walking to our table. She looks beautiful and put together as always in a simple red dress.
 

When she gets to our table, Ethan stands to greet her and hug her. I do the same, and to my surprise, she hugs me with a smile on her face.
 

“It’s good to see you back with Ethan, Alexandra.”
 

My eyes widen at her. “It’s good to see you too, Laura.”
 

She takes a seat across from me at the table.
 

“It really is wonderful to see you two back together. You worried me for a second there, Alexandra, but it seems it all worked itself out in the end.”
 

I look at her suspiciously. “I didn’t know what I wanted. Now, I do.” I lean over and kiss Ethan on the cheek to prove my point. He smiles at my gesture of love.
 

Daughter, you saved me

And showed me how to be a father.
 

“She went back with him.” I run my hand through my hair as I pace back and forth in the living room as Drew eats his Chinese noodles.
 

“Maybe she likes him better than you,” Drew mumbles between bites. I pick up a pillow and throw it at him, but he has already anticipated my move. He gets up before the pillow lands where he was just sitting.
 

Drew and I fight a lot, but despite it all, I would do anything to protect him.
 

Drew rolls his eyes at me. “Okay, maybe that’s not why. Why then?”
 

I shake my head as I slump onto the sofa. “I don’t know.”
 

“I hate to tell you this, but it doesn’t matter why she went back with him. Even if she wasn’t with him, she wouldn’t be with you. She’s still mad at you, remember? And you’re still having a baby with a woman who is sleeping in the guest bedroom right now.”
 

I glance toward the guest bedroom that is opposite of Drew’s. Caroline hasn’t come out all afternoon. She’s been asleep for the last two hours.
 

“Why is she here, anyway? Not that I’m complaining, but didn’t she just buy a big house with your money.”

“She doesn’t like being alone. You know that. I think she still thinks I’ll move into the house with her, and I might, but only for a little while to help take care of our daughter and not because I want to be with her.”
 

“What?”
 

I sigh. “She doesn’t like being alone.”
 

“No, I mean you said daughter. Are you having a daughter?”
 

I grin. “Yes.”
 

Drew stands so fast some of the juice from his bowl of noodles spills onto the sofa. I stand too as he races across the room to me and embraces me in a hug that is anything but manly.
 

“Congrats!” He lets me go but hits me on the back. I swear I see moisture in his eyes when he looks at me, but he turns his back before I get a chance to really see.
 

Caroline’s phone rings. I know because my song “Please” plays when it rings. The lyrics play over and over.
 

I don’t want to wait anymore to make you mine

But I’ll wait forever if you need

For you to come back to me

Don’t stay his

Find me still

Please find my love.
 

The song will forever haunt me because as much as Caroline might wish it were about her, it’s not. It never will be.
 

The song stops, and I can breathe again. Drew has gone back to his noodles and is ignoring me. I let my mind drift to Alex when Caroline’s phone rings again bringing me back to life.
 

Her phone is in her purse, which is sitting on the end table next to the couch. She must have left it here when she went and took a nap. I pick up her purse and pull her phone out. It stops ringing just as I pull it out.
 

I go to silence it so that it won’t go off again when I see it. Two missed calls from an unknown number and then one text message from an Ethan.
 

I stare at the phone in disbelief. It can’t be the same Ethan.
 

I click on the message and read it: I won’t be turning over the video to the police. The plan worked perfectly. I owe you one.

I have no idea what the message means, but it doesn’t feel good. I scroll through more.
 

Ethan: She hasn’t come back yet. I’ll release the video tomorrow if I don’t hear from her.
 

Caroline: Give it more time. She will.
 

I scroll higher. I scroll higher until I find the video, and I hit play.
 

I watch the horrific video. A video of the worst day of my life. The day I became a monster as bad or worse than my father. The day I attacked Caroline’s brother, Sean.
 

I’ve never seen the video, but I’ve played the scene over and over in my head. I’ve imagined how it must have happened. I never imagined it this bad, though. Seeing how it really happened is much worse.
 

“Landon?”

I can’t take my eyes from the video.
 

“Man, you look whiter than a ghost.” Drew gets up and walks to me. “What are you looking at?”
 

I hand him the phone. “The night I became a monster.”
 

I leave him with the phone and walk out to my balcony. I need to breathe. I never thought I could feel this bad, but I do. I don’t deserve to be a father. I don’t deserve to have any sort of unconditional love. I can’t believe Caroline ever forgave me for that. I don’t think I ever could after watching the video. I don’t think I ever could.
 

I lean over the edge of the balcony looking down at all the people below enjoying the sunny beach. It’s always sunny here. It’s too sunny right now for my mood. I should go back inside where it seems gloomy in comparison.
 

I hear the door open and close, and I know Drew is standing behind me. He walks next to me and leans against the balcony rail.
 

“What are you thinking?”
 

I don’t look at him. “I’m thinking I should throw my body over the edge of this railing.” My hands fidget with nothing as the silence consumes us both.
 

“What are you thinking?” I ask him.
 

“That I should throw your ass over this railing if you don’t,” Drew says it seriously like it isn’t a joke, but I know it is. It’s his way of lightening the mood when he can’t say that everything is okay. When he can’t say that I’m not a monster. He can’t say any of those things because that’s what I am.
 

I destroyed a man’s life, just like my father. The only difference is Dad’s mistake ended a man’s life while mine only destroyed one. The difference is Dad is paying for his crimes while I live this life of luxury as long as I pay Caroline and her brother whatever she wants. I don’t even know how Sean is doing now. I know he went to a hospital immediately after and then rehab to heal his wounds. I know that Caroline gives him the money for him to live off every month, but I have no idea if he has fully healed. Is he still in a wheelchair? Is he still in pain? I don’t know.
 

“You know why she sent it to Ethan. To Alex’s Ethan.”
 

Drew stays silent. He doesn’t nod. He doesn’t move.
 

“She sent it to break Alex and me up. That’s why Alex went back. Ethan blackmailed her to come back. She went back to protect me. To keep this out of the media. To keep me out of jail.”
 

I turn to Drew, who is still looking out at the view. “What do you think? You must hate me after watching that video. You must hate me just like Alex. Just like Caroline. Just like Sean.”
 

He doesn’t look at me.
 

“Look at me, dammit!”
 

He closes his eyes and then opens them. “I can’t. I can’t look at you without seeing the worst of you. Alex has already forgiven you for this. She wouldn’t be back with a man that she clearly doesn’t want to be with if she wasn’t. She wouldn’t be saving your ass again. Caroline’s brother has clearly forgiven you. All he wanted was money to be able to forgive you. And Caroline ... She’s having your baby. She clearly forgives you.” He pauses, and I watch his grip on the railing tighten. “I can’t forgive you, though. Not yet. I can’t believe you did what was on that video. I can’t believe any brother of mine would do such a thing.”

I turn back and look out at the ocean.
 

“It’s a relief that you don’t forgive me because I can’t forgive myself.”
 

We stay in silence, looking out over the ocean for a long time. Long enough that the sun begins to set over the ocean. I’m surprised Caroline hasn’t woken up and come found us.
 

“You have to release it.”
 

I feel his eyes burning into me. “No.”
 

I chance a glance at him. “You have to. I need to set things right. I need to own what I did. Alex doesn’t need to protect me. Caroline doesn’t need to protect me. I have to face what I did.”
 

“You can’t. If you release that video, you could end up in jail just like our father. Your daughter will be raised without a father. You can’t do that. Caroline didn’t release the video. She just used it to get what she wanted. She just used it to protect your daughter. And Alex is a big girl who can decide for herself how to handle her husband.”

“I have to.”
 

“Think about your daughter. She could grow up without a father. You can’t do that to her.”
 

I turn back to look out at the ocean as a tear falls down my face. How can I raise a daughter when I did such a horrible thing to another man? How can I ever ask for her forgiveness if I never accepted my punishment for the crimes?
 

“I have to.”
 

“You can’t. Your daughter won’t have a father.”
 

I shake my head. “She never did.”
 

His tongue finds the spot that is my undoing. I scream my pleasure as he takes me in deeper.
 

“What the hell were you thinking?”
 

He won’t look at me. He won’t fucking look at me.
 

“What the fucking hell were you thinking?” I hit him hard on his chest like that is going to reverse time and change things. It won’t. Nothing will. It’s already been done.
 

It doesn’t keep me from hitting him over and over. Until finally he grabs my wrists.
 

I look up at him as tears flow down my face.
 

“Why?”

“I had to. I hadn’t seen the video before. I hadn’t really understood what I had done. Even though I’d seen how badly your brother was hurt afterward. I didn’t understand, not until I saw it. I had to make things right.”
 

“You already did, though. You paid for his hospital bills. You did everything you could for him. You did everything you could for me. You can’t do this now.”
 

“I have to do this now. For her.” He places his hand on my stomach after her releases my wrists.
 

“You can’t do this because of her,” I plead.
 

“I have to.” He begins walking out the door, but I can’t let him go. I can’t let him turn himself into the police. I just can’t. I cling to his arms trying to get him to stay.
 

“Drew,” he says looking past me to his brother.
 

I grab hold of him harder until my nails are biting into his skin. Drew grabs hold of my arms as Landon slips out from beneath my grip until I am holding nothing and have nothing left to hold onto.
 

Landon walks quickly out of the condo and out of the baby’s and my life.
 

I collapse unable to hold myself up any longer. Drew holds me and collapses just as I do until we are both blobs on the floor. We both hurt now that Landon is gone, most likely to jail for longer than I even want to imagine.