All At Sea (17 page)

Good news: he’s doing some full-focus exercise spiritual cleanse nonsense that prohibits sexual contact for 24-hours. He can’t even hold hands!  So, I’m off the hook across the board!   ;)

Thursday 3
rd
April 12.12pm

—near North Shore, Oahu—

But if you fcken marry Lachie, I am going to lure the mother-of-the-bride into a cloak room and give it a red hot go. Just once.

Thursday 3
rd
April 1.01pm

—near North Shore, Oahu—

I’m sorry Millsy. I shouldn’t have said that. I know it was really bad.

You make me so mad! Grrrr!

You’re just dicking with me now for your own amusement, aren’t you? Is that what’s going on?

Thursday 3
rd
April 1.23pm

—Waikiki Yacht Club—

Hey, doll! I missed you today!

What are you wearing right now? I must know.

Want to go for tacos? An ice-cream? You pick.

I’m going to gobble you up when I see you.

These are the things Lachlan writes to me. Never once has he mentioned fucking my mother. You’ve mentioned it twice now.

Thursday 3
rd
April 1.24pm

—near North Shore, Oahu—

Has he met her?

Thursday 3
rd
April 1.27pm

—Waikiki Yacht Club—

No.

Thursday 3
rd
April 2.02pm

—Waikiki Yacht Club—

Okay, I’m going to take the high road and back us out of this one. It’s melting my freaking brain looking at it. Let’s rewind to when I said: I would love to go to the ice-sculpture thingy-doo.

You do the same, please.

We’ll just pretend this conversation didn’t happen.

Thursday 3
rd
April 2.03pm

—Waikiki Yacht Club—

Hiya! What are you doing, Kody? It’s your old pal, Millsy. I’m eating a chicken wrap and waiting for my toenails to dry. Peony Blossom with a thin layer of glitter. I got a toe ring at the beach shop. Don’t my feet look cute? Write back soon. Bye!

Thursday 3
rd
April 3.25pm

—near North Shore, Oahu—

I am sorry. I really am.

I want to take you to the Maunawili Falls. Will you come with me? We’ll stand in the water – I will totally grab your noggin and press your forehead against my forehead and we’ll just stand there and feel the water rush over us until your heart stops hammering.

I won’t even try to kiss you. We can just like have a Hawaiian Mind Meld. Will you come with me? Can I hold your hand though?

Thursday 3
rd
April 3.41pm

—Waikiki Yacht Club—

See, you say something like that and then I’m supposed to swoon and forget how you like to hurt my feelings all the time? Is that it, Kody? Huh!?!? Swooooooon.

Oh, I’d like that. I’ve never forgotten that. I’m not sure if it meant all that much to you at the time because you kind of just walked away afterward but it meant something to me. I think that was the moment I went loopy for you. Whenever you’ve said stuff to fire me up and I’ve said stuff to fire you up, and I’m just 100% sure that this is the moment I’m going to block Kody Murdock from my contacts, I reach through my phone to find that one. I remember your hands cupped snug against my ears and your forehead bent to mine and you fixed hard like a statue taking the blows for me. I remember gripping your arms, and standing on your feet and learning to breathe and enjoy the rush and rock of it. I remember the fear being swept away a little more each time until I could laugh in the water for the first time. In the end, my heart was beating fast not because I was afraid but because I was hoping you might kiss me.

You can hold my hand.

Can I hope you might kiss me?

Thursday 3
rd
April 3.58pm

—North Shore Hostel—

I knew it was a big deal. I always did.

On the first day you came down to the water, you were anxious. Most chicks get a bit panicky when they see me, because I’m a huge hunk with a sparkling white smile and come-to-bed-with-me eyes. Lol, no really. Most women get a bit nervous, because surfing is so male dominated, and women are conditioned from when they are small not try anything energetic unless they can execute it elegantly and in a way that visually appeals to men.

Remember Lachie saying that shit to you? Could have snotted him.

But I want the women clients to forget about that, because you can’t learn without looking awkward. I’m a feminist remember? I do it by jollying them out of it, usually, and being totally casual, even if parts of them fall out of their swimmers. It happens a lot because bikinis are a shit design for actually doing stuff. This is why I always suggest a rashie in the first lesson, because it makes women feel more confident moving around. I can’t do my job when they are constantly readjusting, or not giving it a go because their boobs are showing. It’s a total pain in the arse.

With you it was different. You had muscle spasms, chest pains, jaw-clenching, peripheral numbness, eye-twitching. Classic anxiety attacks. Sometimes when you would tell me your ears had started ringing I worried you would pass out.

You were like, clinically phobic.

But you also were so determined to get in there and not feel that way any more.. Quiet, but with your jaw all set. And it was nobody else’s business. You were just getting it done. It was inspiring.

I stayed up at night planning how I was going to horse around with you on the shore, making it a game. Making it fun. Making it easier for you to climb this huge fckn personal mountain you had decide you were going to scale.

That’s why I had to turn around on that day, and walk back to the shore. I had my hands on your neck, feeling your pulse, and it really only went up a little bit when that first wave washed over you. You wouldn’t have known any difference, because I had seawater on my face, but you trusted me and you did it, and you were so brave you made me cry.

Thursday 3
rd
April 4.12pm

Cut it out, Murdock. I’m going all verklempt over here. That’s Yiddish for misty-eyed or wrought with emotion. 

Seriously, though, you’re making me bawl. I’m glad you remember it like that. That it meant something to you and that you knew what it meant to me. It was one of the best experiences of my life. Better than our day on the lost beach, even. Thank you.

(Okay, maybe not BETTER than, but at least as good as...) 

I haven’t been in the deep water since our lessons ended. I’m really good now with generally being near water though, like on the boat and whatever, so that’s progress, right? I can go to the edges and not feel dizzy. I can walk down the pier and not get weirded out when someone gets into my personal space. Jac and Cristina thought I was nutty at first for always needing to walk on the inside lane. I don’t do that anymore. So I’m a lot better because of you. My mother is really proud of me for what I’ve attained so far.

Maybe after the waterfall we can go back out? I’ll shine up The Bunyip and get her seaworthy. She’s been sitting in the corner of my room being sooky la la for weeks. I named her by the way. I hope if she already had a name that mine’s cooler. Don’t tell me if it’s not. She’s The Bunyip now, end of story.

Only, hey, if we go out again, I’m not paying for the lesson part of it. I demand free Kody services now.

I’ll pay you with sexual favors.

If you get me into a tube someday, there’s no telling what you might get from me.  ;)

Thursday 3
rd
April 4:15pm

—North Shore Hostel—

I don’t want you to joke about stuff like that, Millsy. That’s never what it’s about. I never want to take anything from you. It’s not an exchange. It’s a gift. I keep telling you.

Please? It’s fucked up that you can think of it like that. It makes me upset.

Thursday 3
rd
April 7.08pm

—Waikiki Yacht Club—

I’m not ignoring your calls. I just need to think about what you’re saying to me. Just give me a while to think about why it’s fucked up. I feel bitten. I thought that you would think that was funny or cute of me. I thought you would want to drive over here and jump my bones.

Thursday 3
rd
April 8.12pm

—Blue Volcano Tavern—

I’ve been pretty consistent about two things. One is that Lachie is a player, and two is that sex should be a way two people honour each other. It can be naughty, and funny, and hot, but at its core it should always be about making the other person feel the best they can feel – like rapturously joyful – both physically and in their soul.

If you don’t understand it, then maybe those two things are connected.

Anyway, in other news. I’ve been kicking something over in my head, and I think I might have made some pretty big decisions. It’s because of you. It’s because of the way you see me. You make me look at myself differently. You make me want to be better – to be worth it. So maybe if you wanted to come and talk to me tomorrow morning, I want to show you something.

Thursday 3
rd
April 10.22pm

—Waikiki Yacht Club—

I don’t know what you mean by honoring. You talk about it and I don’t know what you’re saying to me. I picture you with dozens of women. Dozens and dozens, maybe a hundred faceless women. Them smacking your face when you said no to a second red hot go. Every one of those women felt honored, you’re saying? They all walked away from their Kody uncut experience feeling honored? I doubt that. I don’t believe that for a second. And how, if you knew in your head that you would never see this or that woman again, could it be true honoring on your part? Because there is no way you felt like each of these women was a keeper at the time you took her home.

I may not know very much or have had too much experience or whatever but I think you are kidding yourself if you think that every woman who has ever shared your bed only remembers how you honored her. I lot of them feel shitty inside that you didn’t want to see them again.

You said the women who have been with Lachie sound like they’re enjoying themselves through the walls and then they leave looking empty. I enjoyed myself with Lachie. I wouldn’t have gone back for more if I hadn’t. I thought it was great because I had nothing but Mr. Greedy to compare it to. And then you happened. I have became forever spoiled now. I did feel honored. I think I did anyway. Now I’m not so sure. Because if you’re saying that you’ve done this with every woman then how am I even remotely special?

I think what you mean by honoring is that you are really, really, reeeeeally good at sex.

Okay, so whatever. You’re making my brain hurt again. What do you want to show me? It sounds important and I want to see it.

Thursday 3
rd
April 11.16pm

—Blue Volcano Tavern—

What do you mean by a ‘keeper’? You mean every encounter has to be about a promise?

See that’s just attaching what is a moment to something else. Why does it have to be attached to something? Either something negative – like offering it in exchange for something that you want, or making it a promise, or it being about power?

Why can’t it be just what it is?

It’s always going to be a moment. Even in a forever relationship, every single time is its own event. Each moment is its own moment to be savoured for itself.

That’s the point.

Anyway, we can agree to disagree.

I’m feeling funny about showing you this thing, because I think you might think it’s silly. Or at least, you are used to something much grander, and what is normal to you is beyond what I am able to do.

But one time, long ago you said you thought I was eighteen, and that has gone around in my head ever since. I wondered why you thought that. It’s time for me to stop being adolescent.

I was thinking about Richard – the original soul surfer. Remember him? With the long board?

Even Richard has a job and a house.

Can I come by in the morning?