All for This (29 page)

“I
NEED
to talk to you,” I say.

Nate’s in his room, packing his suitcase. He’s heading back to California for Christmas. It only makes sense that he’d spend Christmas with Collin since this is the last Christmas that he won’t have to choose between his children.

He looks up from his luggage and grins at me. He’s seemed so damn happy lately, and I’m about to ruin everything by telling him what I suspect.

He throws some socks into the luggage and opens his arms for me. “Come here.”

I step forward and let him wrap me in his arms. For a moment, I close my eyes and revel in the comfort of his nearness, his warmth, and his scent.

“Nix has never thought I fell down the stairs.”

Nate straightens and pulls back to look at my face. “What does she think happened, then?”

“She’s always believed I was pushed.”

I feel his whole body tense and his arms tighten around me. “Who the fuck would do that?”

“That’s what I’ve been trying to figure out.”

“Shit, Hanna. Someone almost killed you and you haven’t said a word about it to me? What if they’re still out there? What if—”

“I’m telling you now.”

He relaxes a bit and pulls my head against his chest. “I’m sorry. I just can’t handle the idea of anyone hurting you.”

I swallow. “I knew you’d feel that way.”

“Do you remember anything? Has any of that day come back to you?”

“Not really.” I step back—out of his arms so I can look at his face while I talk. “But some memories from the days before have, and I think I know who pushed me.”

He raises a brow, and I can tell he has no idea why it’s taking me so long to spit it out.

“I think Vivian did it.”

He actually smiles. Smiles. “That’s funny. What else ya got?”

I shake my head. “I’m serious. She wanted me out of your life. She came here specifically to ask me to let her have a chance with you.”

His face has gone deadly serious. “That’s a far cry from pushing you down the stairs.”

“Listen, I never thought about it until today, but when she was in town last time, I went over to Asher’s, and you and Vivian were fighting in the basement. Drake was at the top of the stairs and he said that, the last time he saw me, I was wearing Max’s ring. Which means they must have been here the day of the accident.”

“Vivian didn’t push you down the stairs. She wouldn’t do that.” He drags a hand through his hair and cracks a sardonic smile. “Christ, have you seen the woman? She’s half your size.”

I wince. “Thanks.”

“Jesus, Hanna. Seriously? You’re accusing a sweet, loving woman of a serious crime and you’re going to take offense to a reference to your size differences?”

“You don’t have any idea how hard it was for me to tell you this,” I whisper.

“She didn’t do it, so let it go.”

“Meredith was here that day too,” I say.

“Well,
there’s
a more likely suspect.”

“She said I asked her to leave when a guy who looked like Fabio showed up at my apartment.” When he looks at me blankly, I say, “Drake. Drake looks like Fabio in his romance cover days, and everyone knows Vivian doesn’t go anywhere without Drake.”

“So you’re saying Vivian wanted you away from me so badly that she came to your apartment and, when she saw you were wearing his ring, she pushed you down the stairs?” He shakes his head. “Come on, Hanna. That doesn’t even make sense.”

“I just know she wanted me away from you. She told me as much.”

“Of course she did. Do I wish she wouldn’t have come here and asked you to stay away? Sure, but that’s not
that
unreasonable. She wanted me back. She wanted our family back together. That’s no crime.”

“No. But pushing me down the stairs is.”

He rubs the back of his neck. “Let it go. Please. It wasn’t her.”

“How do you know that? How do you
know
?”

“Other than the fact that I’ve known her most of my life and I know better than anyone that she’s not capable of hurting someone like that?”

“Yeah. Other than that.”

“She was in London the day of your accident. She didn’t push you down the fucking stairs.”

“What if she just
told
you she was in London? What if that was her cover because she was really here trying to make me forget—”

“I know,” he says, and his words are so quiet that I finally believe him. “I know because she was in my bed.”

My heart plummets because surely he doesn’t mean…
“You really think he ever stopped fucking his actress?”
Of course that’s what I thought. Why would I have believed anything else when I was so convinced I was the one he wanted?

“What?”

“You’d cut me out of your life and wouldn’t even talk to me about it.”

“So you took her to London with you?”

“It wasn’t like that.”

“What was it like, then? You took my virginity, told me you wanted me to leave Max for you, and by the way, a future with you meant a life in LA with no kids. And then, while I went home to search my heart and figure out if I could sacrifice everything I ever wanted for you, while I fought every instinct that said I should be with you no matter the cost, you were in London with your ex, trying to make sure you really meant the very fucking little you promised me. Fuck you, Nate.
Fuck. You
.”

“You chose him, Hanna.” His shoulders sag and he studies me for a beat. “He’s the one you were so sure was right for you. I’m just the guy who knocked you up.”

We stare at each other, and my heart hurts so badly that I expect it to stop working at any minute. The silence pulses around us like an angry, living thing.

“I have to leave. Collin’s expecting me tonight.”

“Nate…”

“I have to leave. You and I…” He shrugs, and I feel like pieces of my heart have fallen into my stomach and are decomposing inside me. “Vivian’s always going to be part of my life because Collin’s always going to be part of my life. And you will always be a part of my life too. We’re going to figure this out.”

“That’s what you keep saying.”

Nate leaves the room, suitcase in hand. I feel broken and empty.

I need to go to the bakery. With the holiday rush, I have plenty there to keep me busy, and if the simple chemistry of baking can’t busy my mind, nothing can.

I head downstairs to change. I’m halfway down the hallway when I hear footsteps behind me.

“Hanna.”

Then Nate is spinning me around and pressing his mouth against mine. I’m so scared this is goodbye. I cling to him as I kiss him back. Our mouths are open, greedy, and demanding, and when he pulls back, he wipes a tear from my cheek.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I’m sorry I couldn’t let you go. I’m sorry I couldn’t keep my promise not to fight for you. Maybe you’d be better with him. He’s the better guy, but I’m the
right
guy and you’re
mine
.”

“What about her?” I ask. “Are you sorry for sleeping with her?”

He shakes his head. “I don’t even remember it. I remember her showing up. I was lonely. I was pissed. I missed you more than I ever thought I could miss someone. She showed up in the bar, and I wasn’t alone anymore.”

“So you slept with her.”

“I thought I’d lost you. I got drunk. And I woke up in bed with her.”

“You slept with her,” I repeat.

His eyes meet mine. “Yeah. I slept with her.”

I nod, and hot tears roll out of the corners of my eyes. “Do you still love her?”

“Not the way I love you.”

“Do you still love her?” I am a broken record.

“She’s the mother of my son. I’ll always love her.”

Vivian was right. I’m stealing something from him by being in his life. Would he even be here right now if it weren’t for these babies?

“Go to her.”

“Hanna, it’s not like that,” he growls.

“I’m not walking away,” I tell him. “I’m letting you go.”

“The fuck you are. I won’t let you.” He squeezes my shoulders and presses his mouth to mine, but I don’t open under him this time. I’m stronger now. If only I’d been stronger sooner.

“You are too good of a father to miss Christmas with Collin just so you can stay here and fight with me.”

“Come with me.” He shakes his head. “I’m not asking you to move. Just come for the holiday. Janelle will arrange for someone to cover the bakery.”

“We both know I don’t belong there.”

“Don’t do this, Hanna. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about London sooner, but I hardly had you. I couldn’t risk losing you.”

“Tell me something.” I force a full breath into my lungs. “If you hadn’t met me, would you be with her now?”

He pales. “Don’t make me answer that.”

The kitchen clock ticks, and on the street, a snow plow’s blade scrapes the street.

“But we both already know the answer,” I say. “Merry Christmas, Nate. Give Collin a hug for me.”

I walk away from him before my strength dissolves, and I shut and lock my bedroom door behind me. Time runs away from me. Minutes, hours, seconds—everything is meaningless but the measure of his steps against the floorboards toward my room, the space of the silence as he waits by my door, and the creak of the front door opening and closing.

I don’t change clothes and I don’t go to the bakery. I crawl into bed, curl onto my side, and fall asleep.

My bed feels cold. Empty. I reach for Nate and grasp at air. Slowly, I reorient myself, remember the argument, curl into myself at the memory of his confession.

“I thought I’d lost you.”

My stomach hurts—aches—with grief.

I gasp and put my hand to my belly, where the cramps that woke me are making my whole core ache. Not so different than the cramps I got with my periods, the pain is low in my pelvis and wraps around to my lower back.

“No,” I whisper, but there’s no one here to hear the word. I’m afraid to move, but I know I have to. I grab my phone from the end table and pull up my contacts list.

A sob lodges in my throat when I see Nate’s name, but he should be in California by now. I scroll past his name and dial Nix.

D
RAKE OPENS
the door when I arrive at Vivian’s and inclines his chin. “Collin’s already sleeping.”

I’m lunging for him before I know what I’m doing—pressing him against the wall with my hand at his neck. “What did you do to her?” Because Vivian was in London with me, but I have no idea where Drake was that day. I always assumed he was somewhere in London—he never strays far from Vivian’s side—but he could very well have been in New Hope assaulting the woman I love in some misguided attempt to protect the woman
he
loves.

“To whom?” he grunts. He barely seems fazed by the fact that I have him against the wall.

“Nathaniel, what are you doing?” Vivian asks behind me. “Let him go.”

“What did you do to Hanna?”

Drake lifts a brow and points to his neck, indicating that he won’t talk until I release him.

“You were there the day of the accident,” I say, and I back up because I need to know what happened. “You saw her with the ring on.”

Drake rubs his neck and looks to Vivian.

She nods. “Tell him.”