All I Want For Christmas (16 page)

Heaven help her, her body quivered. Her nerves tensed and stood on end, and she strained toward him without actually moving a muscle. Feigning disinterest, hiding her love and desire, was agony. Impossible.

She jerked her gaze away, the breath escaping from her lips, thin and wispy, in the cold air. G. G. was waiting.

“Sidney and I are having trouble getting G. G. out of the car,” she said. “We need your help.”

Ryan nodded, seeming relieved to know that her reason for showing up on his doorstep was not about them.

“I'll be right back,” he told Maggie.

“I want to come, too.”

“In this rain? Better not. You watch out the window.”

Tina tipped up Maggie's chin. “If your daddy doesn't mind, I'll come over tomorrow and say goodbye. Would that be okay?”

“Is it okay, Daddy?”

“Sure, Sunshine.”

Maggie brightened and Tina felt better. “G. G.' s waiting for us. I'll see you later,” she said.

“I'll be right back, Maggie.”

Without grabbing a coat or waiting for a reply from his daughter, Ryan slipped out behind Tina and closed the door. Tina reached for the umbrella.

“I'll take that.” His warm fingers brushed her icy ones.

They crowded together underneath it. Heat and love rippled in waves through Tina, and she fought to keep from leaning into Ryan's solid strength.

She glanced up at him. In the dark his eyes were black and shadowed, but she felt their intensity and sensed his pain. “Are you okay?”

“Maggie's nightmares are worse than ever,” he said in an anguished voice as they moved toward the street.

Tina felt bad for both man and child. “Because of me?”

“And G. G. This hospitalization—well, it scared her.”

“It scared us all,” Tina said. “But G. G.' s okay now. Maggie understands that, right?”

“She says she does, but she's said that before and she didn't. Who knows what's really in her five-year-old mind?”

Tina did. Guilt and self-blame, for things that were absolutely not her fault. Afraid of making Ryan feel even worse, she kept quiet.

“I scheduled an appointment with a therapist. We're meeting her on Wednesday.”

“I'm glad, Ryan. I wish someone had done that for me. I hope it helps.”

“You and me both.”

“How are you holding up?” he asked as they reached the street.

I'm in love with you, and my heart is breaking.
“Relieved that G. G.' s out of the hospital and finally on her way to recovery,” she said.

They waited while a car rolled by, splashing water from a street puddle.

“How are
you?
” she asked.
Do you wish I was staying on the island as much as I do?

“It's been a crappy few days. Besides dealing with Maggie, I've been summoned to corporate headquarters on Monday. They're not happy with our bottom line. My guess is, they're going to fire me.”

“What? But you're the best manager that bank has ever had. Everyone says so.”

“The board doesn't care about that. They're only interested in the numbers. Don't say anything, all right?”

“You know I won't. I'm sorry, Ryan.”

“Don't be. I've been thinking about resigning, anyway.”

“You should, and then you should open your own bank. Like you said you wanted to.”

“We had this conversation before,” he said, setting his jaw. “Maggie's my priority.”

“Right.” They crossed the street. “What time should I stop by tomorrow to say goodbye to her?”

“What time are you leaving?”

“Early afternoon, after the nurse arrives.”

“Come right before you go.”

“Okay.”

After that, there was nothing left to say. As they headed up the driveway only the gravel crunching under their feet filled the heavy silence.

W
HEN
T
INA TRUDGED
toward Ryan's door the next afternoon, dark clouds obscured the sky. Her spirits were just as dark.

Before she could knock, he opened the door. “Maggie's upstairs, making you a card,” he said.

“How is she?”

His desolate expression said it all. “How do you think?”

“I'm sorry, Ryan.” How she wished she could stay here with him and Maggie.

“We'll be okay. And once we see that therapist Wednesday…”

“Will you let me know how that goes?”

He nodded. Then bracketed his mouth with his hand and turned toward the stairs. “Maggie, Tina's here, and she needs to catch the ferry.”

Footsteps pattered overhead. Clutching a folded sheet of construction paper and dressed in her princess dress, Maggie flew down the stairs.

“You're all dressed up,” Tina said.

“Uh-huh. 'Cause you're leaving and I wanted to look pretty for you.” She held out the paper shyly. “I made this for you.”

The card was glittery and covered with crayon drawings. “This is beautiful.”

“I know. That's you and me and Daddy,” Maggie pointed to the crudely drawn stick figures. “And Eggwhite in her cage. Now you won't forget us.”

“Oh, honey.” Tears filled Tina's eyes. “I could never forget you.”

She knelt down and opened her arms. Maggie fell into them.

They shared a warm hug. When Maggie let her go, she was round-eyed and sober. “Will you call me on the telephone?”

“If that's okay with your daddy.”

Tina glanced up at Ryan. His hands were shoved into his jeans' pockets and his eyes were bleak.

“Tina will be very busy with her job.”

“Not too busy for a phone call now and then,” she said.

“We'll see. Say goodbye to Tina, Sunshine. I want to talk to her privately.”

“Thank you again for the card,” Tina said. “I'll keep it on my desk, where I'll see it every day.” She meant that, too. Once more, she hugged Maggie, then kissed her little cheek. “I'll see you at Christmas.”

“Go on upstairs, Maggie. I'll be up shortly.”

When Maggie had disappeared, Ryan turned to Tina. He spoke in a voice too low to carry beyond them.

“You shouldn't have said you'd call when you know you'll be too busy and too wrapped up in your work.”

“Not for Maggie, I won't. I promise.”

“I'll hold you to it, then.”

He cupped her cheek. Bent down and brushed his mouth over her lips, a soft, sweet kiss she felt clear to her toes. When he released her, his eyes were dark with feeling.

“Goodbye, Tina.”

“See you at Christmas,” she said.

He opened his mouth. Closed it. Rubbed the back of his neck, then opened the door.

Feeling as if her heart had splintered into jagged pieces, she walked away.

Monday morning, Ryan sat in front of Bernard Beale's mahogany desk at corporate headquarters. Wearing a tailored suit and a friendly expression, Beale looked successful and friendly like a snake about to strike. Ryan was ready, his own expression neutral.

“You're probably wondering why I invited you here,” Beale said.

“To fire me, I expect, but before you do you'll hear me out. Yes, Halo Island Bank's bottom line is lower than your projections, and though I've only worked for you five months I accept responsibility for the numbers. But part of the problem belongs to you and the board. My staff members are competent and hardworking, and I praise them constantly. But without money and recognition from you, it's not enough. If you acknowledged their efforts and offered training and incentives, I'm confident we could turn the bank around. But you don't, and they feel unappreciated. The end result is poor customer service. Unhappy customers take their business elsewhere, and business spirals downward.”

Beale opened his mouth, but Ryan held up his hand, stopping him. “I'm almost finished. I can no longer work for a company with your values. You can't fire me, because as of today I'm giving my notice.” He pulled a letter of resignation from his briefcase. “Please share that with the board.”

“Hold on a minute, Ryan.”

“I can leave now, or in two weeks.” What he'd do with his time was anybody's guess. But resigning felt like the right thing to do.

“You've got it all wrong.” Beale shook his head. “I had no intention of firing you. I invited you here to let you in on something that won't become public knowledge until next week. So keep what I'm about to tell you under wraps.” He paused, and Ryan nodded. “The first of next year, we're putting Halo Island Bank on the market. Given your background, I thought you might be interested in buying it. Then you can do whatever you want with it.”

Ryan had never expected this. “You're selling?”

Beale nodded. “We've decided to cut our losses and consolidate. Are you interested in buying the bank?”

Hell, yes.
But Maggie came first. With genuine regret, Ryan shook his head. “No, thanks.”

“Suit yourself. I hate to lose you, Ryan.” Beale blew out a breath. “However, if you insist on resigning, I'll accept this letter—provided you stay on through December. This time of year, it'd be impossible to find a replacement.”

Ryan figured he could hold out for another month. That would give him time to break the news to Jason, Danielle and Serena, and to figure out what to do with the rest of his life.

He nodded. “Agreed. Please don't announce my resignation until I talk with my staff. I'll let you know when I've done that.”

He left the building wishing he could share what had happened with Tina. But she'd gone back to work today, and Ryan doubted she wanted to hear from him. He had no illusions that with her new responsibilities she'd soon forget about him and Maggie.

Sure, she'd said she'd call Maggie. Once, he figured, before work took over her life.

Now that she was gone, Ryan meant to forget her, too, and move on. Period. Christmas was a month away, and he was certain that by then this Tina thing would be behind him.

A
S SHE'D PROMISED
, Tina stood at Jim Sperling's side Monday morning. The entire staff of CE Marketing was crowded into the reception area, some still not quite awake this first day back from the Thanksgiving holiday, assembled for a hastily called meeting.

“I have an important announcement to make.” Her boss smiled at her fondly. “Please join me in welcoming our new creative director, Tina Morrell.”

He applauded, and everyone followed suit—even Kendra. Though her smile looked forced.

“Thank you all,” Tina said. “I'm pleased and excited to have this wonderful opportunity.”

Surrounded by friends and colleagues, she almost believed herself.

Following the announcement, Jim went into CEO mode. “All right, people, we have a business to run. Let's get to it.”

As Tina headed with June toward her office, which they were about to pack up and exchange for a bigger, corner space, she wondered what had happened with Ryan's meeting at bank headquarters. Had he resigned, and if so, what would he do next? And how was Maggie? Had she slept badly again?

She wanted to call and talk to the little girl today, but if she meant to get over Ryan, it might make more sense to wait a while. Besides, she didn't want to crowd him. She would call in a few days, she decided. Until then, she'd have to get her information from G. G.

For now, she had an ad department to run.

R
YAN TOOK
Wednesday morning off to meet with Dr. Patricia Wright, the specialist Dr. Dove had recommended. “A whiz with children and their parents,” he'd said. Preoccupied with today's appointment, Ryan hadn't yet told his staff he was resigning. He figured he'd do that sometime next week, around the time the board announced that the bank was for sale.

As he drove across town, his windshield wipers swished in vain against the pouring rain. Compared to L. A., winters in the Pacific Northwest were gray and rough on a man's spirits, but he didn't think about that today. He actually looked forward to talking with Dr. Wright. Anything to help Maggie.

Minutes later, he was standing in the therapist's office, shaking her hand. She was an attractive blonde of indeterminate age, with a firm grip.

Her office looked friendly enough—there was an oriental rug over the carpet and cream-colored leather furniture. Nice pictures on the wall, and a small potted tree in the corner of the room, as homey as someone's living room. Ryan wouldn't have cared if they'd met in a broom closet.

“Please, sit down.” Dr. Wright gestured toward two armchairs separated by a glass coffee table. “Would you like coffee?”

This wasn't a social visit, and he shook his head. Took his seat, and cleared his throat. “How does this therapy stuff work?”

“We talk, that's all.” Looking relaxed and ready to listen, she smiled. “Tell me about Maggie.”

Since the therapist already knew Maggie's age and that she was in kindergarten and an only child, Ryan went right to the critical information. “She's had a rough life.”

He told Dr. Wright everything—about his impending divorce from Heidi and her tragic death when Maggie was eighteen months old. The break-off of his engagement last year, when his fiancée had chosen a job in Texas over him and Maggie. How Mrs. Miumi, who'd been around since Maggie was born, had left soon after that to care for her grandson.

“Every female she ever loved disappeared from her life,” he said. Dr. Wright gave a sympathetic nod, and he continued. “After Mrs. Miumi left last spring, I decided to sell my business so that I could spend more time with Maggie. Halo Island seemed to be a great place to raise kids, so we moved here. Now I work a job with regular hours, and Maggie and I are together every night and on weekends.”

Maybe he should tell her about his resignation. “The job I took isn't working out, though. As of the first of next year, I'll be unemployed.”

“We'll get to that later. Tell me more about Maggie.”

He nodded. “We're in an excellent neighborhood, and she seems to enjoy living on the island. She likes her teacher and her school, in general, and she's made friends.”

“That all sounds fine. But you're not here because things are going well.”

The woman was right. Ryan drew in a breath and then let it out. “After Heidi died, Maggie started waking up crying. Nightmares. They flare up whenever someone she loves leaves. Lately, she's been waking up a lot, sometimes two and three times in one night.”

“Do you have any idea why?”

He hesitated, wondering how much to say. Therapists weren't supposed to talk about their patients, but what if Dr. Wright did?

“If you don't think you can trust me, Ryan, maybe you should find a different therapist.”

He gave her a humorless grin. “What are you, a mind reader?”

“After years of practice, I'm pretty good at reading people. Now, why don't you tell me what's going on.”

“The woman across the street—her name is G. G.—is like the grandma Maggie never had. She watches her after school and spends a lot of time with her. A month ago, she had hip surgery. While she recuperated, she needed help, so…”

He told Dr. Wright about Tina, and Maggie's immediate attachment to her. He explained about Eggwhite escaping and G. G.' s emergency trip to the hospital, and about Tina's promotion. He told Dr. Wright everything, except what had happened that night in Anacortes. That was private.

“Maggie's crazy about Tina,” he said. “And even though both Tina and I reminded her often that Tina wouldn't be staying long on the island, she didn't understand. The multiple nightmares started around the time Tina left on Sunday,” he finished. “I know they're directly related to her leaving and to G. G.' s stay in the hospital. For some reason Maggie thinks Tina left because she did something wrong. Tina promised to call Maggie, which probably will help, and G. G.' s better now. But the nightmares keep coming.” He made a helpless gesture with his hands. “I don't know how to help my daughter. That's why I'm here.”

Dr. Wright offered no advice, just silently jotted down notes.

Impatient, Ryan shifted in his chair. “Any ideas?”

Her pen stilled. She looked at him without judgment or pity. “I'll know more after I talk with Maggie this afternoon. Let's talk more about
you
now. Tell me about this job you're leaving and what you want to do with the rest of your life.”

B
Y THE TIME
Ryan and Maggie left Dr. Wright's on Wednesday afternoon it was almost dark, but at least the rain had stopped. Work had been a bitch, and Ryan was sure Jason would give his two weeks' notice any day now. He'd called a branch meeting for Monday to announce his own resignation and to share the news that, come next year, Halo Island Bank would be up for sale.

In no mood to cook dinner, he glanced at his daughter. “What do you say we stop at the drive-through for burgers and fries tonight?”

“I say, awesome!” Maggie bounced in her seat, bumping against the seat belt. “Can we listen to the radio on the way?”

“Sure.” Ryan turned to an oldies station, her favorite.

While she sang along off-key, acting like her usual bubbly self, Ryan counted his blessings. Meeting with Dr. Wright hadn't upset her nearly as much as he'd feared it might.

He reviewed his and the therapist's final conversation, had while Maggie played with one of her assistants in a different room.

“Your daughter is a resilient little girl,” Dr. Wright had said. “Children often blame themselves for everything that happens, however, and that's what Maggie has done. Yet despite losing her mother and other women in her life, she remains cheerful and happy.”

“Except when she sleeps,” Ryan had replied.

“We'll discuss that shortly. The one constant in her life is you. You're also the most important person in her world. That is the basis for her well-being—she knows that no matter what happens, her daddy will always be there for her.”

That was good to know. “That's the plan.”

Ryan had barely let out a relieved breath, before the therapist continued.

“However, because you're the center of Maggie's life, when you're not happy, neither is she. Right or wrong, she blames herself.”

Hadn't Tina said the same thing? “I'm happy enough,” he'd said, knowing that Dr. Wright didn't necessarily buy that. Too bad because he wasn't about to get into his personal issues. “What can I do to help my daughter?”

“Every child craves a mother's love, and Maggie is no different. It's normal for her to form an attachment to a woman around the age her mother would be if she were alive, especially if the woman genuinely cares about her. For that reason, I'd be surprised if she
didn't
grieve now that Tina has gone.”

Get happy and find a mother figure for Maggie. A while back Tina had given him the same advice.
Well, hell.
He could've saved the time and money and skipped the therapy.

“I suggest you talk about Tina often, and continue to reinforce the message that she left for reasons that have nothing to do with Maggie.”

“Talk about her?”

Dr. Wright had nodded. “It's an important way to acknowledge her entirely valid feelings and get her to open up to you.”

“Tina promised Maggie she'd call now and then, but she's busy with her career. Even though she has good intentions, I'm not sure she'll follow through.”

“If she doesn't call you, then you call her. That way Maggie won't feel that Tina has deserted her. And Ryan, I suggest you seriously consider buying the bank.”

This had dumbfounded him. Sure, he'd told her how much he enjoyed building and running his own bank, but he'd also let her know that Maggie came first. He frowned. “But that would mean hours and hours away from Maggie.”