All I Want Is You (13 page)

              “Hello, Ms. Lisa, why are you up so late?” I asked, diving straight into it.

              “I don’t know. It seems like I can never sleep these days. Why are you still up?”

              “I guess the same reason.” I said. There was a moment of silence on the line before she decided to say something. I don’t know what it was about her, but her persona screamed cool as hell, so I felt like I could talk to her about whatever.

              “So what’s your story?” she asked. Although it was random as hell, I already knew what she was getting at, and since I wasn’t the one to play, I kept it real with her.

              “I have a few bitches that I may go to fuck every blue moon, but I don’t have nothing serious going on at the moment. I just haven’t found the right one to fully commit to, I guess. Something won’t let me be with a few of these chicks. Like, there is something that usually turns me off or rubs me the wrong way. Your turn?” I said.

              “Well, my story is a lot different from yours.” She said.

              “Ok, I’m listening.”

              “Before you judge me, I want you to hear me out.”

              “Ok.” I said. On the cool, she was making me a little nervous to hear the rest.

              “Well, I’m actually married. We’ve been together for over fifteen years, but I believe I’m through.” She said. I was quiet trying to take it all in. Her body language didn’t read married, so obviously she wasn’t happy in her situation, and that was a given, because she was sitting on the phone with me. There was trouble in paradise, and although I thought she was sexy as shit, I wasn’t sure if that was something I really wanted to deal with. A married woman; that was too similar to the shit my boy was going through.

              “So seems like he’s been cheating on me the entire time, and finally, I had enough. I kicked his ass out, and really, at the moment, all I’m looking for is a friend. I have to be able to trust again. My trust is all fucked up. That nigga really did a number on me. You’re actually the first person I’ve shared all this information with, and I don’t even know why I’m sharing it with you.” She said. Honestly, she had me curious to know more.

              “I have a friend, but he’s more like a brother, and he’s going through something similar. If you don’t mind me asking, what made you stay?”

              “Well, he was all I knew. He’s all I know. I’m not from here, and he was one of the first people I met when I moved here. It was just me and my mother, and she died when I was in high school, so him and his family took me in. I didn’t have anywhere else to go. What was I supposed to do? It’s just like I’m older now; I can’t keep going through the same things with this man.”

              “Wow, that’s deep. Well, you know what they say… One man’s trash is another man’s treasure. You will catch a break baby girl.” I said. We stayed up talking and getting to know one another until early morning. I hadn’t done that shit in so long it wasn’t even funny, but I liked her. She held innocence to her, and I would be lying if I said I didn’t want to know more. Her situation could definitely be a problem, but if she said she wasn’t with that nigga, and she wanted out, then I would be there if she needed me. I wasn’t trying to be her man or anything like that, but I did want to get to know her as a person, so whatever we had to do to make that shit happen, I was with it. Even if I had to smack a nigga for getting out of order, I didn’t mind. It had been a minute since I used these hands anyway. It was going to be a pleasure getting to know the real Ms. Lisa.

Chapter 18

Jessa

              It had been damn near three-in-a-half months, and hadn’t shit changed with the status of me and Renzo. I can’t lie, I was surprised that he actually went through with what he said, but I now knew why. His new little girlfriend. I had gotten a got damn PI to see what that nigga was up to, and my mother told me to do that. She recommended the same PI she used to catch my daddy. See, my mother and father had been having problems since day one.

              Growing up, they provided me with everything I could have wanted, but I could tell they didn’t really like one another. They just tolerated one another, because they had went into business together. My mother and father were into real estate. They bought houses that had been foreclosed and flipped them. Sometimes, they would get more than what they paid and put into the home, and sometimes they would take a loss. I’m not sure how they got into the flipping homes business, but after I graduated from high school, things started to crumble for them. That’s when the other issues arose. My mother was the type of person who needed to have everything in life perfect. It had to be planned out, and if not, she was freaking out. My father was more nonchalant; he just had that “I don’t give a fuck” attitude.

My father was the reason I took that charge for Renzo. I never lied to my father, and he told me the way to get in was for him to trust me. He saw the potential in Renzo, so he wanted me to reap all the benefits. Not even a year after I took the charge did my parents file bankruptcy. I didn’t understand what was going on or why it was going on, but it happened. My mother never wanted anyone to know, so I kept it to myself. Some of the money that we had from running the drugs… yep, I reached into that stash to help my parents out. Even still, to this day, I was helping out my mother. It was crazy the chain of events that had taken place, but I guess that was life. My mom used to be a very happy person, but after what my father did, she had become broken and bitter. It was like she wanted everyone else to be miserable just because that was her current situation. Daddy left momma to be with a mixed woman and my mother was still fucked up about that. She used to be on top of everything, but it was like she just didn’t give a damn anymore. I came over to visit, and I was now rethinking my decision to do so, because she always made me feel worse about things.

“So what did you find out?”

“Well, he has an apartment somewhere off of 290, and she comes and stays the night sometimes. I even have an address on her. She works as a fucking administrative assistant, so I’m trying to see what the hell he sees in her.” I said. I was drawing a blank each time I thought about it, and the fact that she was a few years younger than he was, I just really couldn’t picture that.

“The same thing your father saw in that trailer park trash he left me for. These niggas ain’t shit but hoes and tricks, I swear. You’re funky ass daddy did the same bullshit. He left me to be with that other fucking woman. That nigga left me with nothing while he’s off living the got damn life. You better fight for what’s yours and pull out all your fucking wild cards if you have to. Anything that can incriminate his ass, you need to hold on to. All the pictures all the information you have, take that shit to court. That way, they can give your ass spousal support, and you’ll never have to work another day of your life. Listen to me, hell. I should’ve done the things I’m telling you to do.” My mother fussed.

“That’s just it mom. I really don’t want to lose my husband; he’s-”

“You don’t want to lose him? Are you fucking crazy? You’ve already lost him child. If he wanted you, he would come back home. He doesn’t want you. That’s why he hasn’t come home. You just told me he has an apartment. What the hell makes you think he’s coming back?” She said, as she rudely interrupted me.

“I think that he just needs a second to get his mind right.” I said. I was starting to believe the things my mother was telling me, but I really didn’t want that to be my reality. I wanted things to work with my husband. Hell, I didn’t mind being a better wife and mother if I could just come out with the truth about everything.

“Well, you can sit around and believe that shit if you want to. I’m telling you what to do. It’s up to you if you want to do the shit or not.” My mother said turning the volume up on the TV. I just looked at her as she smirked. I loved my mother, I really did, but ever since my dad left her, she wasn’t the same loving, supportive, and caring mother she once was. Sometimes, I really hated to talk to her, because she would pump my head with all this bullshit and have us both looking assed out.

“I’m about to go mom.” I said getting up to leave.

“Why you leaving?” she asked like she really cared.

“I have to get going. I’ll be back to check on you soon.” I said walking to the front door.

“Ok, baby. Lock the door on your way out. I’ll hear from you soon, and remember what I told you.” She said. Those were the last words I heard before I closed and locked the door. I didn’t want to hear any more of my mother’s negativity. In the car, I broke down. I was carrying around too many things, and I was having so many different emotions, I didn’t know what to do. I needed to just get right with my husband and come clean about everything, but hell, I didn’t know where to start. After about five minutes of my meltdown, I decided to call my dad. Although he was more nonchalant before, it seemed like him and my mother had switched roles since he left.

“Hey baby, how are you today?” he said, as soon as he picked up the phone. Once again, I broke down. I was entirely too emotional. My breakdowns were becoming too frequent, and I wouldn’t be able to keep it under wraps much longer with all the stuff going on around me. I really needed to talk to my daddy, because although he was nonchalant, he had always been the voice of reason.

“Daddy, can I come over? I really need to talk.” I whined into the phone.

“You don’t even have to ask. I’ll be here.” he said. We released the call, and I tried to get myself together before pulling off. An hour later, I was pulling up to Kingsland Inn. My father had packed up and moved to the south side with his new white wife. Me, personally, I had nothing against her, but my mother always called her a trailer trash, home wrecking whore. She hadn’t done a thing to me, so for the most part I was cordial. As long as she stayed in her lane and didn’t bother me, well I had no problem staying in mines.

"Hey, Daddy. How you been doing?" I said, as soon as I walked through the door. My dad grabbed me in for a hug, and I felt like a little girl all over again. Whenever he was around, I felt so protected, and Renzo gave me that exact same feeling. Don't get me wrong, I loved my mother, but I was a daddy’s girl at heart.

“I've been fine. How you been baby girl?” He asked after closing the door.

“Is Michelle here?” I asked, before answering his question. True enough, I didn't have any problems with her, but I didn't want to talk my business in front of her. I didn't know her like that, nor was I trying to know her ass. I had a mother, and I was grown. I didn't need the next bitch playing stepmother.

“No, she’s gone. What’s wrong? I can tell something is up with you.” He said, and again, I broke down. He held me until my crying spell was over. He didn’t even say anything, as he looked me in my eyes. He went into the kitchen and came back with a bottle of water. I took the water and drank a few sips before he begin to speak again.

“Have you taken your medication Jessa?” I sighed. I knew the question was coming, and I was trying not to deal with the shit. I didn’t want drugs to control my life, but it seemed like that’s what was happening.

“No, dad. I’m trying to wing away from that, but I guess you’re probably right. I should definitely take them” I said, pulling the medicine bottle from my purse. I took my pills, and instantly, I begin to calm down.

“I hate that you have to go through that shit. Your mother is so damn selfish.” My dad fussed. I never really wanted to talk about it, but it was my truth.

“Daddy, Renzo left me. He’s been gone for the past three months, and Raven has been staying with his mother. I can’t even be a good wife and a loving mother. I feel like a failure.” I said. My dad sighed before responding.

“You need to just tell him the truth Jessa. I’m sure he would be a little more understanding if you told him why.”

“How do I do that, Daddy? We have been together for years. I’m sure he’s gonna know why I hid it from him for so long.” I said.

“Well, why did you hide it for so long? You all have been together for too long. Either that nigga can accept it and move forward, or he can move the fuck around.” My daddy said. I told y’all he was nonchalant, but I wanted things to work with my husband. I didn’t want him to move on with the next woman. I just needed him to understand that I came with a lot of baggage, but I wanted him to ride the wave out with me.

“I love my husband, Daddy.”

“And I loved your mother, but look what happened to you.” My father said. I knew right then and there the conversation was getting ready to go left, and I should’ve stopped it before it even got started, but my dad had always been the type to speak his mind.

“Dad, don’t-”

“Don’t my ass. You have to take medication for the rest of your natural born life, because of some shit your mother never cared to share with me.” he yelled. Every time we talked about this, my father would become so upset. My uncle, my mother’s older brother, molested me when I was about four years old. I was so young I never understood what was going on, so I never said anything, but when I hit about seven, I knew that wasn’t something he should have been doing to me. When I went and told my mother, she cried like a baby. I was so confused as to why she was crying, and then she shared that he was still having her way with her. At around age eleven, I couldn’t take the shit no more. She could sit around and get pounded all day if she wanted to, but I didn’t like that shit. He had already taken my virginity. I couldn’t let him take my life as well.