All In (Cedar Mountain University #2) (12 page)

I knew he had planned on talking to her tonight. It was one of the
reasons I had let myself be talked into going to the party. Cole had thought
the conversation might go better if it was just the two of them. His tone
indicates that any conversation that had happened, hadn’t been pleasant.

“She won’t listen to me.”

“And you think she’s going to listen to me?”

He grunts. “I think I’m desperate enough to try any damn thing.”

“Maybe she knows what’s best for her, Cole.” I say softly. “We
don’t,” I look briefly at Jacob, before turning to whisper into the phone, “we
don’t really know what she went through. Maybe she’s dealing with it the only
way she can.”

“You didn’t see her, Grace.”

“Cole—”

“No.” He growls into the phone. “I’m supposed to just walk away for
three days and leave her alone? Knowing that she’s hurting? Knowing that she’s
reliving all that shit while I’m laughing it up with my friends? Not happening.”

“Well, I hardly think you’d be laughing it up with your friends,
but I see your point. I don’t think she’s going to listen to me any more than
she will you, but I’ll be home as soon as I can.”

Jacob is frowning at me even as I hear Cole say, “Thanks, Grace,”
in my ear. I lift up enough to slide my phone back into my back pocket and try
for a smile. “I need to head home.”

“You can’t drive.”

“What?” Sputtering out a laugh I add, “I only had one beer, like
forever ago. I’m fine.”

“It doesn’t matter how many you had, you’ve had something to drink
and you can’t drive. I’ve had something as well so I can’t drive you.”

“Seriously, Jacob, I’m fine to drive. I promise.”

His hand clamps down on my wrist, squeezing slightly. “I can’t let
you drive, Grace. I’ll pay for the cab, and I’ll get your car back to you in
the morning.”

His eyes are somber as they meet mine, his face set in stern lines,
so even though I want to push the subject, I don’t. “Okay. I appreciate it.”

The party is still in full swing when we head downstairs. Jacob
follows behind me, scrolling on his phone in search of a local cab company. I
look around the room, trying to spot Kelsey so I can let her know I’m leaving.
I’d rather go back upstairs with Jacob, but I know that isn’t an option.
Sometimes being a good sister, and friend, really sucks ass.
 

I see Grant standing in the far corner of the room. Gone are his
friends, and the blonde. He’s on his cell phone and I have a pretty good idea
who’s on the other end by the look on his face. Our eyes meet and he nods his
head once, before he ends the call and heads my way.

“Hello, Grace.”

“Grant,” I acknowledge him with a small nod of my head. “Was that
Cole?”

“Yeah. I’m going to head out and meet him back at the townhouse. He
said you’re going to be with Delaney?”

I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. “Yeah, Jacob’s calling me a
cab.”

Grant looks over my shoulder briefly to where Jacob is giving the
address to the cab company. “I can give you a ride,” He says as his eyes come
back to mine. “It’s on the way. It’ll get you there faster.”

Frowning, I look over my shoulder to Jacob. He’s studying Grant
while talking into the phone and he’s not even looking in my direction. I don’t
want to upset him, and after everything that just happened between us,
everything I just told him, I’m afraid accepting a ride from Grant is going to
do just that.

But Cole and Delaney need me. And Grant is the fastest way to get
to them. Swallowing a groan, I turn back to Grant and nod my head. “Give me a
minute. I’ll meet you outside.”

He looks over to Jacob one more time, before turning around and
heading out of the house.
 
I can’t seem
to make myself turn around to face Jacob right away. Momentary cowardice. I use
it to draw in a breath, and then I turn around. He’s on his cell phone, and I
hear him canceling the cab. He isn’t looking at me, and that makes me nervous.
I want to touch him, to reassure him, but I’m not sure how he’d react and I don’t
want to feel the sting of rejection right now. He thanks the person on the
phone and then slides it back into his pocket.

“It’s just a ride.”

“Sure it is.
Has he been drinking?”

“I don’t think so. I don’t know. I didn’t ask.”

He makes some sort of strange noise. “Check with him before getting
in the car, Grace.”

I step into him, as close as I can, and finally his eyes move to
meet mine. “It’s just a ride.” I say again when he’s looking at me. “I meant
everything I said upstairs.”

His hands settle at my hips, and I nearly sigh in relief. If he’s
touching me then he can’t be too mad at me. Right?

“I have to go, Jacob.” I give in to the urge to brush my hand along
his jaw. “Can I see you tomorrow?”

“Of course.” Jacob drops his hands, stepping back. His eyes are ice
cold, devoid of the heat of want they’d had in them only minutes ago. “Go on.
Grant is waiting.”

Fuck.

It’s all I can think as he turns and walks away. And I can’t do a
damn thing about it because I promised Cole I would come. And I can’t let
either of them down again, not like I did before.

When I step outside, Grant is leaning against the porch rail, idly
thumbing through something on his phone while he waits. He doesn’t look up, and
it gives me a moment to study him. Grant had always looked like he belonged on
a runway somewhere. Classic good looks that border on pretty, and had caused
him to take his fair share of ribbing from my brothers over the years.

None of that has changed.

But something has. I’m pretty sure it’s me.

There is no tumble of my heart, no kick in my pulse. I don’t want
to wrap myself up in him.

I don’t see him and immediately picture my future with him, not
like I had before.

Shaking my head, I force myself to move forward, clearing my throat
to get his attention. “Ready?” I ask when Grant looks up from his phone.
Without waiting for an answer, I move down the porch steps, looking over the
line of cars to find his.

“How is Jacob?” His deep voice pierces the night air, slightly
mocking as he poses the question. I immediately tense up, my eyes cutting back
to Grant. “No.” I shake my head. “We aren’t talking about Jacob. In fact, we
don’t need to talk at all. This is just a ride, Grant. Nothing more.”

We stop next to his car and he opens the passenger door for me. I
slide into the car without looking at him. He hesitates for just a moment
before moving around the front of the car and sliding into the driver’s seat
next to me. I shift to look at him as he starts the car.

I can’t stop the words that tumble out, “Who was the blonde?”

He lifts one brow. “So we aren’t talking about Jacob, but my date
is up for discussion?”

“You’re right. I don’t care.”

Silence stretches between us. I’ve shifted back to look out the
passenger window, crossing my arms over my chest and trying my best to ignore
him sitting next to me. The air is thick with tension, building between us like
an insurmountable wall. Nervous energy has me tapping my fingers absently on my
knee. It’s a relatively short ride to my apartment from the frat house, but it
feels like every second has been stretched into ten.

“Alice Conner.”

My head snaps around to him. “What?”

“The blonde,” Grant says as he finally turns into the apartment
complex. Thank God. “Her name is Alice Conner.”

“I really don’t care.”

Grant pulls into an empty space, leaving the car running. He turns
to look at me. “I know you don’t, Grace. But I miss my friend.”

Blinking, I say slowly, “Oh.”

He laughs, bitterly. “Yeah. Oh.” Scrubbing a hand over his face he
says, “I know I handled things badly, Grace. I wish, well, I wish a lot of
things and none of them really matter.”

“You told me you didn’t want me anymore.”

“No!” The word snaps out of him, and I jump at the booming force of
the sound. “No,” he says again, a little calmer. “I never told you I didn’t
want you.”

“It doesn’t matter how you worded it, Grant. The intent was the
same. You didn’t want to be with me anymore. So I’m moving on.”

“It just hurts to watch.”

“Maybe you should have thought about that before.”

Grant shakes his head, and the car is once again bathed in silence.
Watching him, my gaze keeps moving to the white bandage. I tell myself not to
ask, not to care, but the words slide out anyway. “What happened here?” I touch
just above my own eye to indicate what I’m asking about.

“It was nothing.”

I wait for more of an explanation, but he doesn’t elaborate. “Ally
said it took fifteen stitches to close.”

“It’s nothing, Grace, just leave it alone.”

I let out a huff of air. “Fine. Be an ass.”
I climb out of the car quickly, hurrying up the steps. The
apartment is as silent as a damn tomb when I walk inside. Stopping in the
living room, I bend down to unzip my boots, sliding them off my feet and
wiggling my toes in the carpet. I lift my head back up, just barely biting back
a scream as I catch sight of the shadowy figure sitting on the couch in the
dark.

“Damn it, Cole, what in the hell are you doing? You nearly gave me
a fucking heart attack.”

“She doesn’t want to see me right now.” Leaning forward he drops
his forearms on his knees. “I didn’t want to leave her here alone. I,” he
stops, swallowing, then changes course. “Sometimes when she talks about it she
has nightmares.”

I want to wrap him up in my arms and tell him it will be okay, but
I know that this is something that is never going to fully go away. Not for
either of them. Just as I can’t imagine surviving what Delaney had gone
through, I can’t imagine how hard it must be for Cole.

He didn’t know her then, but that doesn’t change the fact that he
loves her now, and I know that it must kill him to see her hurting and to know
that he can’t take it away for her.

Dropping down on the couch next to him, I reach over and lace my
fingers through his. I haven’t held his hand since we were little. His hand
flexes around mine briefly, before his fingers tighten.

“When she told me what happened all I could think about was how
unfair it was. And how much I needed to show her that it didn’t matter, that it
didn’t change the way I felt about her.” His eyes meet mine, and I’m not
surprised to see that his are wet with tears. “I focused on that every day. On
letting her know that I loved her and that she was everything I wanted, and
that she wasn’t this dirty broken shell of a person she thought she was. I
didn’t think about what would happen later, because I knew I had to convince
her to keep giving me now.”

“Cole, there’s no script for this. You’re doing what you think is
best. You’re making her happy. That’s important.”

“You said it the other day, Grace. She needs to talk to someone.
Someone other than you or me, someone that can help her come to terms with what
happened to her. How are we supposed to make any progress together if she’s not
willing to let me all the way in?”

“You make progress every day.”

He makes a noise, a strangled laugh that breaks my heart. “No,
we’re not. We’re at a fucking standstill, and her absolute refusal to even
contemplate letting me be there for her during those three days is like going
ten steps backwards. How can she ask me to pretend she isn’t fucking falling
apart? How can she ask me to fucking pretend that I don’t know that she’s
cramming sleeping pills down her fucking throat so she can drug herself enough
that she won’t be haunted by that bastard?” His free hand clenches into a fist
against his knee. “What happens if she takes too many? I don’t think she cared,
not before.”

“Oh, Cole, she isn’t suicidal.”

“I know that, but I don’t think she every really cared if that was
the result. Not before.”

“Before she didn’t have you,” I point out.

“Apparently, I don’t have her. Not all the way.” He shakes his
head. “I’m going to go. She asked me to leave her alone, and I’m going to give
her some time. I just,” he pauses, running a hand through his hair. “I couldn’t
leave her here by herself.”

“I’ll talk to her, but she’s pretty stubborn, in case you missed
that. And she’s been dealing with this on her own for years. It probably
terrifies her to lean on someone else, Cole, she never had the opportunity to
before.”

“Doesn’t make it hurt any less.” Cole leans over, brushing a kiss
across my forehead before pushing himself to his feet. “Let her know I’ll talk
to her tomorrow, okay? And that I love her.”

I decide to take a shower before going to find her. Cole said she
wanted him to leave her alone, but I don’t think that’s really the case. I just
don’t think Delaney knows how to handle having someone in her life
that
cares enough to not let her be by herself. Her parents hadn’t been
shining examples of support, though her father was coming around somewhat.

I thought it was too little too late, but then again, my parents
had been there for me every step of the way. Maybe if they hadn’t been I’d be
willing to take whatever limited attention they were willing to give.

I don’t know the whole of what happened those three days that she
was missing. Just what I’d found when I’d done a search of her name on the web.
Delaney doesn’t talk about it much, and she doesn’t talk about it at all with
me.

Outside of the police, Cole is the only one who really has any
insight to what happened those three days beyond what the news outlets had been
able to piece together. I don’t think he has the entire story either. Delaney
has never been the open book type, and I don’t see that as something that would
magically change overnight.

Running a brush through my hair, I think about Jacob. I can still
feel the weight of his fingers sliding through my hair, holding me to him while
using his very talented mouth to make me forget everything but him.

Even though he’d told me he had never once doubted my reason for
being with him, I knew my leaving with Grant so soon after everything couldn’t
have been good.
 
I didn’t want to lose
whatever small foothold I had managed to gain tonight with him.

I would have to offer him some sort of explanation tomorrow of why
I hadn’t wanted to wait on the cab. But I didn’t like to tell anyone about
Delaney because I know how much it bothers her for other people to know. Hell,
she’d let my brother walk away just so she wouldn’t have to tell him.

I didn’t have time to think about it now though. I need to go find
Delaney to try and figure out what in the hell had happened between her and
Cole. And how in the hell I was supposed to fix it.

Finding her was easy enough. She is curled under a blanket on her
bed. Legs drawn up to her chest, with her arms wrapped around them. She looks
so incredibly small, like a child trying to hide from the boogeyman by making
themselves as tiny and unnoticeable as possible.

“Del?”

I move quietly across the room to stand at the edge of the bed
where I knew I fell into her line of sight. Her slight sniffle is the only
response I receive. Crouching down I hesitantly reach out and lay a hand on her
shoulders. “What happened?” I ask her softly.

“He,” she sniffles again. “He’s upset with me. No,” she corrects
herself
,
“he’s pissed at me because I
don’t want him there.”

“Why don’t you want him there?”

“I can’t, Grace. I can’t let him see me like that. He saw a
glimpse, just a tiny part of who I am during those three days last year, and
just knowing that he’s seen even that tiny bit makes me sick to my stomach.
Letting him all the way in, that’s not possible.”

“He loves you, Del, none of the other matters.”

“It does!” Tossing the covers back she practically bounces out of
the bed and across the room, away from me. “It does matter. Because him knowing
the truth and seeing it are two totally different things.”

She looks so stricken, more so than I’ve ever seen her before.
“Delaney, it doesn’t matter.”

“You don’t understand, Grace. You can’t possibly understand. I
can’t function during those days. I can’t, I don’t, I’m—”

Shit, she’s crying again. I let her go, not moving across the room to
offer her comfort. I don’t think touching her right now is the way to handle
this situation. When she finally turns to me, she’s so distraught it’s
heartbreaking.

“Del—”

Shaking her head, she interrupts me. “Most days I think I’ve got a
pretty good handle on things. It’s there, like this dark gray cloud in the back
of my mind, but I can deal with it. I can push it aside enough to get out of
bed and to function. I can go through most of the day without thinking about
it, without remembering his face, or what his touch felt like against my skin.
And now, with Cole, it’s more than just functioning on a basic level. There’s
happiness. He brings me happiness and hope.” She pauses long enough to drag in
a breath, to lick her lips, and shift from one leg to the other. Her face is
pink and splotchy from her tears. “But during those three days, Grace, during
those days I’m not that person. I don’t function, I don’t have hope or
happiness. I’m weak because that’s what he made me. And I don’t want Cole to
see me like that.”

Coming full circle in the room she drops back down on her bed,
drawing her legs up once again. Her hair is pulled up in what you could loosely
call a bun, if you were a generous sort of person. Half the brown waves hang
around her face and shoulders, some of the strands stuck against her cheeks.

What am I supposed to say to her?

I would think the same way. I wouldn’t want to be seen or pitied.
But I understand where Cole is coming from as well. It would simply break his
heart if she didn’t let him in.

“You aren’t weak, Delaney,” I whisper, moving towards her now. “You
are without a doubt the strongest person I know. Because you do get up, Del,
every day. You get up and you live.” Settling next to her on the bed, I brush
at the hair on her cheek, making sure she’s looking at me. “Cole loves you. I
love you. Nothing is going to change that. Nothing is going to take it away or
diminish it. Every day, no matter what, we are going to be right here, next to
you. Every day, Del. You can’t shut him out. You can’t expect him to love you
like he does and to merrily go on his way while you’re here suffering.”

“I know.”

“I—You do?” I’m totally confused.

“Of course I do. Knowing doesn’t make it any easier. He was so mad,
Grace.”

“Did he scare you?”

“What? No, he didn’t scare me.” Delaney unknots her hair, pulling
it all back up again on top of her head. “But I didn’t know what else to do.”

“Sending him away probably wasn’t the best choice. Just saying. He
looked horrible when I showed up. He only wants the best for you, Del.”

“I needed some time to pull myself together. I’ve never had anyone
with me during that time before. I’ll call him.”

“Good. Then my work here is done.”

I start to head out the door, so she can call Cole without an
audience. Her whisper soft voice stops me. “Thank you for coming, Grace.”

“Where else would I be?”

“You were at the frat tonight, weren’t you? Did you see Jacob?”

Jacob. What am I supposed to tell him tomorrow? “Uh, yeah, I did,
but Cole called and said you needed me,” Pausing I run a hand through my hair.
“Grant was there, and he gave me a ride back.”

Both of Delaney’s brows go up in surprise. “Really? How did that
go?”

“The ride, or me leaving Jacob to take the ride?”

“Either. Both.”

I drop my head against the back of her door. “He kissed me.”

“Which one?”

“The one I wanted to.”

There’s a slight pause and then she says again, “Which one?”

“Ha!” I give a bitter laugh. “Jacob. Jacob kissed me and it was,
God, Delany it was really fucking great. Perfect. It was perfect.” Turning, I
lean my back against the door. “Then Cole called and I got into the car with
Grant and left him there.” I blow out a breath of air. “So there will be some
major ass kissing tomorrow on my end.”

“You can tell him.”

My head snaps up at her soft spoken words. Tell him? About her?

“You don’t want people to know.”

Her smile is weak. “He’s bringing back my Grace. The one who laughs
all the time, and is snarky and bitchy.”

Indignant, I interrupt her. “Hey!”

“I prefer you snarky and bitchy. Tell him, Grace.”

“We’ll see. Are you going to call Cole now and put him out of his
misery?”

“Yes.”

“Alrighty then. I’m going to go pick out my incredibly loud,
blocking out the make-up sex my best friend and my brother are having, music.
I’ll see you in the morning.”

Chuckling softly, I hear the thump of a pillow hitting the door as
I close it behind me.

Crisis averted.

Somewhat.