All In My Head (First Tracks Book 1) (22 page)

It’s okay, babe.

Marcus pushed through to say, “We have at least until then?”

Jen looked up like she had literally heard his voice.

“Are you going to stop them?” she asked, searching my eyes,
hope and dread both on her face.

“No, I’m not going to try to change their minds. But please
make sure they don’t do it early. Make sure Avery and I have one more night.”

After Jen left, I stayed on the roof for a few more minutes,
standing by the edge to look out over the city, my mind blank and so full I
couldn’t think straight. The weight of everything came down slowly, my new
reality revealing itself inch by inch.

Wasn’t there anything I could do or say to his parents?

Not after they heard from Jazz.

“She didn’t know … not really. She didn’t understand.” My
anger sparked and died over and over, like a tiny fire trying to take hold. I
was angry. At her. At Tom and Elaina. At Jen, even. But I also wasn’t angry.
Tom, Eleena and Jen were hurting. They loved Marcus.

And Jazz loved me. She’d done what any sane person should
have. I sent her a quick text that said,
You did the right thing. I’m not
mad at you.

The daylight was soft now. Whispery. I breathed slowly,
thinking about the air rushing in and out of my lungs. Wondering what I would
do now. How would I go on?

What kind of question was that? How could I think like that?
“Marcus—”

Babe, please. Don’t. We have tonight. We have a sunset and a
sunrise.

I blinked at the sun, hazy in the overcast sky. 

“Where do you want to go? What do you want to do?” I asked,
even though the question felt like a fiery hot blade cutting through me.

What do you want, Avery?

I couldn’t have what I wanted. The gust of wind caught my
hair, twisting it around. I didn’t bother brushing it back, not when I could
feel every little sensation: the tickle of the breeze in my hair, the scent of
the wet spring air, the sun trying to warm the building top, cars honking
below.

“This is about you. Where do you want to go?” I asked each
word firmly.

Can we go to the beach?

“The beach again?”

A beach trip for us. If we leave right now, maybe we can catch
the sunset over the ocean.

I turned and ran to the stairs and all the way down,
flipping past people, and out to my car. Those ten minutes felt like horribly
wasted time. I couldn’t go fast enough. I was breathless as I ripped out of the
parking space, through traffic, irritating red lights, and found my way out of the
city. I’d gassed up the day before and still had most of my tank. I headed west
on Highway 26. I knew it’d take us to the coast, maybe up in Washington.  I
wasn’t sure and didn’t care. Unfortunately, it was the midday rush hour and it
took a maddening long trek through Beverton, Cedar Hills, Hillsboro and other
suburbs. The sun was setting around five thirty, maybe six, if I’d been paying
attention. At this rate, I thought we’d end up watching the sunset while stuck
in traffic but finally we passed the exits and found clear highway.

Sorry I missed your birthday. We should stop for cake.

“I don’t want cake, Marcus. I want you. Time with you. This
sunset with you, over the beach.”

I would think only about this evening and this night. I
could live in these hours for now; I could make them last forever.

You did everything you could for me, Avery. Thank you. I was
just some jerk taking over your thoughts, but you showed me so much.

“I can’t drive if you make me cry.” But I was already
crying. “I’m sorry this happened to you.”

No! No. Don’t be sorry. What could you be sorry for?

“It’s not fair.”

Life’s not fair. We know that. You knew that when you lost your
parents. But you also got time with them, and they were wonderful. You have
wonderful friends. Promise me you won’t let this wreck your life.

I didn’t want to agree to that. I wanted to leave everything
in the mess that it was—with Kristina, with my classes, my house. I just wanted
to run.

The sun slanted into the car and I pulled down the visor. It
helped, but I still had to squint, and the windshield was covered in splattered
bugs, making it worse. But at least there wasn’t too much traffic. We would
make the sunset.

Avery …

“I promise.”

Promise you’ll go after your dreams. Decide who you want to be.
Go live. Go all in. Put all your chips in and go for it. That’s what I want you
to promise me.

A horn startled me. I’d been drifting on the road. Seeing a
turnout, I pulled off, rolled to a stop and laid my forehead on the steering
wheel.

“I can’t picture anything past tomorrow. I don’t know how to
promise you anything like that.”

Of course you do. You had big dreams before. Remember? You’re
going to make it. You’re going to write meaningful things that help people. You
have a tomorrow, babe. Promise!

“Okay, I promise.”

Let’s get going. Just one thing at a time.

I pulled in a long breath as I put the car back into drive.
We shared the quietness, just feeling each other, while I drove.

Maybe I was wrong about Kristina. I might have caused you more
pain and problems by saying anything.

“Well, she admitted she stole him,” I said. “But I don’t
care about that.”

She’ll come around. At some point, she’ll see his true colors.
She’ll be ready to talk.

He was right. If this didn’t convince her about Kyle’s
character, something else would. She couldn’t stay blind forever. That didn’t
mean she’d forgive me, but then again, it might.

***

We pulled into a parking lot on the beach at five
thirty-eight.

Wait!

“What?”

Look in the mirror.

Couldn’t we do that later? Surely we’d get a chance to come
back to the car for that. The sun was slipping behind a cloud. There were only
minutes left before it sank beyond the water.

Please, look for me.

“Okay, all right.” I sighed, faking irritation and leaned
over to look in the rearview mirror at myself. Holding still wasn’t easy,
especially as he took in my eyes and face. We stared, eye to eye, until a
family ran to the one other car in the lot.

“Let’s go watch the sunset.”

Grab the guitar!

“Yes, sir.”

The sun glowed through the clouds, sending out beams of
bright yellow love our way as I hurried down to the sand, passing the guitar
from hand to hand to pull on my blue windbreaker. We passed the tall grass for
a full, clear view of sand, ocean and glorious backlit clouds. The ocean sang
out and its scent carried thick on the air. I pulled in as much air as I could,
pretending that I could make all of this part of me.

It’s breathtaking.

“And it’s just us today.” Wiping the tears off my face, I
pictured my hands wiping away all other distractions and worries. We sat down
in the sand and burrowed back to make a seat. I pulled up my knees and wrapped
my arms around them.

You know, I’ve been meaning to tell you … I teased you about
the high heel boots, but damn, you looked hot in them.

“You could see that?”

He laughed.

I checked you out in every shiny surface I could find. Windows
at the college. Store windows. Car doors. Mirrors. Everywhere. You’re so
beautiful.

Now I laughed.

Ave, babe, if you believe anything I’ve told you, believe that.
You’re a Tiger Lily. Unique. Special. Own it from now on.

“I’ll try,” I whispered.

There is no try! Do.

“Okay, Master Yoda.”

Bright light flooded over me as the sun peered out from
behind the cloud on its downward trek. Gold shimmered across the blue ocean.

Listen … I’m not sure how to say this the right way, but I’m
sorry I messed up your relationship with Nash. I saw the way he looked at you,
and I couldn’t handle it. I wanted you.

I gave a sad laugh. “Forget about Nash.”

That’s what I’m trying to tell you, babe. You don’t have to
forget about him. Once I’m out of the picture—

“Marcus, I don’t want to go there.”

But we have to. At least I need to say a few things. 

I shivered, a shudder rather, from thinking about what lay
ahead.  “Okay.”

It’s just, I don’t want to think about you being alone, not if
you want someone in your life. Sounds crazy right this sec, I know, but bear
with me. Like I said, I saw the way Nash looked at you, and I think you could
fix things with him.

That brought a long sigh. I shook my head and said, “I don’t
want to leave things the way they are, but I don’t feel the same about him.”

So maybe not Nash. I’ll admit I’m glad to hear that. I didn’t
want to say anything mean, but I don’t think he’s the man for you. There’s
someone out there that loves adventure and wants to go explore what life has to
offer.

“Someone like you.” Even as I said the words, I saw images
flashing through my mind—images from Marcus—of me skiing, standing on the front
of a white sailboat wearing a black bikini, walking through a crowd on a
cobblestone street, rowing a canoe on a green river, kayaking on blue ocean
waves … the scenes came faster and faster, showing me all the activities to do
out there and places I could go.

I’ve done so much in my life. I want to know you’ll go out and
do all the things you’ve held back from. 

“I will.” And I would: that’s where I would go after this. I
wouldn’t return to college until I’d gone out and done more with my life.

Thank you for letting me be with you, Avery.

“No, don’t talk like that—”

Babe, I have to.

“Then, thank you for being with me and showing me so much.”

Tears came to my eyes again but I sighed them away. Not now.
Tomorrow I would cry. I reached for the guitar, or rather Marcus did, and he
started to play, strumming his song at first and some favorites I’d heard him
play before.

The sun slipped away, pulling the color and warmth with it,
and leaving the cloudy sky a golden, milky shade that was quickly fading to
violet, then purple, then blue. The blue darkened and stars lit up, and I
shivered.

Want to go back to the car?

“No. I want to feel the cold.”

You need to eat something too. You’ve been running yourself
ragged, Ave. You gotta take care of yourself.

“I will. Later. I promise. I have time for that tomorrow.”
My voice cracked. How could I think about eating or sleeping or going on? I’d
promised myself I wouldn’t tonight. Instead I’d imagine Marcus here with me,
his arm across my shoulder, his body heat keeping me warm.

Light caught my eye, over on the horizon. A glowing white
sliver of moon crept up, sending a gentle beam across the ocean toward us.

“Tell me something naughty in French.”

Je t'aime
.

“That’s …” I hardly knew a lick of French but that was
something I’d come across. Unless I was wrong.

No, you’re right. I love you, Avery.

“I love you.” For so many reasons. And so many ways. Beyond
words and anything explainable, I felt a wholeness and rightness about him, and
about me because of him.

We watched the quarter moon rise, lighting the waves and
beach in silver light. When it was high in the sky, I lay down pulling sand up
against me, and listened to the waves and night sounds all around me.

“Remember when I saw you in the car, the first time?” I
asked, a half whisper caught up in the breeze above me.

Of course.

“I could feel you. See you.” I closed my eyes and searched
around for him … he was looking at me, reaching for me, his fingers barely
touching my face. Just a light touch that almost tickled. We remembered talking
in the car together, and when I took a bath and he was there. His heat did keep
me warm.

When the sky started to lighten in the early morning, I held
on tighter.

What if …

What if his parents ended life support, but I could hang
onto him? Keep him here with me?

Marcus heard my thoughts. We thought about it together.
Wasn’t it as logical as any other part of this? Why couldn’t it work?

“Would you want that life?” I asked out loud.

He didn’t answer in words but I felt him hang onto me
tighter, surrounding me. Falling … I fell and fell, into him. I closed my eyes,
living in the feeling of him, letting myself be nothing but a thought, like
him.

My phone woke me up.

No.

Daylight pressed down on me. The wind, harsher now, blew
sand into my eyes. How had I fallen asleep?

I sat up, rubbing my face and grabbing around in the sand
for my phone.
Marcus?
I looked around me, behind me, everywhere, like
I’d see him here. “Marcus? Marcus!”

Silence in my head.

I’d fallen asleep. I let him slip away.

Marcus.

My phone went silent. Several seconds ticked by. My stomach
tightened into a ball and I bent over, expecting to throw up.

The phone buzzed again. I could hardly see through my tears
but it looked like it said Jen.

“Hello?”

“Avery, Marcus started breathing on his own! He’s alive! He
opened his eyes!”

I stood up fast and fell over. On my back again, I asked,
“He’s awake?”

“No … not awake right now. Not yet. But he opened his eyes.
He looked right at me. I saw my brother, not some vegetable. It wasn’t a blank
look. I’m sure he recognized me.”

“Do you think …?”

“He has to wake up now. He has to.” She kept talking and my
mind wouldn’t follow everything, not until I heard, “… then he can tell Dad
about you. They can’t keep you away—”

“Wait, slow down. Give me a sec.” If he wasn’t in my head,
he had to be back in his body. And he was breathing. “Actually, I gotta go. I’m
coming back.”