All In My Head (First Tracks Book 1) (16 page)

I can do this, remember?
I slid the door open and
stepped out, getting instant goosebumps in the brisk wind.

“Ave!” Kristina squealed, holding her beer up high as Kyle
squirted her with water. “Get in here so the guys can pick on you instead.”

“Cold, cold, cold!” I scuttled across the back deck in my
big blue towel, then threw it across the handrail with the other towels. I wore
the black bikini I’d bought at the end of last season (half off!) and watched
Nash appraise me head to toe and back up again, a gleam coming into his eyes. I
felt a flush of pleasure at his reaction, but as I stepped into bubbly hot
water and slid down to escape the wind, I noticed Kyle checking me out. He was
taking a drink of his beer while looking at me sideways.

“I grabbed one for you,” Nash said, handing me a bottle.

I thanked him and took a tiny sip before setting it on the
edge. I’d never made a big deal about not liking beer.

“Oh, I meant to grab some wine on the way over too,” Kyle
said. “Guess we can later.”

“Or we can.” Nash wrapped an arm around me and pulled me
onto his lap. I leaned back on him, fitting my body to his, wondering how we
fit together as a couple. Images and feelings flittered through my head of lying
in my bed, kissing Nash. I rested my head against his, looking out at the waves
washing up the beach. The hot water relaxed me and heated me back up. It was
the first time I could remember watching the beach in March and not being cold
from the wind.

Then I realized I was leaning against Nash’s erection.

Shit, really? Can the others see?

Don’t you wish. Actually the jets and my body are hiding
it.

I started to chance a look at Nash but couldn’t bring myself
to do it. So high school of me. Sometimes I hated how I didn’t want to venture
into… that kind of stuff.

Just need the right man.

“Can you believe the view?” Dawn said. “It doesn’t get any
better than this. You’re so lucky you grew up here, Ave.”

“I never get tired of it.” I sighed and settled into Nash.

I’ve done this before.

Sat in a hot tub? That wasn’t a very big clue.

No, sitting here with friends like this.

Friends? An image took over my mind of Marcus in a hot tub
with a girl on his lap. It didn’t feel like his memory, though. Just my jealous
reaction.

Jealous? Who’s sitting on some guy’s lap as we speak? A guy
with a boner?

“Okay,” Kristina broke into my thoughts. “Where do we want
to go for dinner?”

I turned around to join the conversation and caught Kyle
watching me in the fading daylight.

“Somewhere we can all drink,” Dawn said, pushing out her
bottom lip in a pout.

“Ohhh! I forgot we have a few youngins with us.” Kyle
flicked a small wave of water toward Dawn. She and I shared a rare look and
rolled our eyes. Yeah, we were younger by a year. Granted, there was a pretty
big milestone between twenty and twenty-one, but I was a week away.

When’s your birthday?

April first. No fooling.

They were still discussing dinner ideas so I threw in, “There’s
always take out.” An idea was forming—maybe if I drank enough, I’d be too
wasted to mess around with Nash.

Or fake it. Please fake it. I felt sick with you last time you
drank too much.

Dawn took a big slug of her beer. “There’s that Chinese
place on the way into town.”

“Sounds like a plan.” Kyle grinned—at me, it seemed.

Hey Ave? You know you’re thinking like a girl with the whole
get drunk thing, right?

Kyle was talking to me too. I looked right at him and still
couldn’t make out what he said over Marcus. The sun had slipped away, and sky
was almost black now so I could hardly see his face.

“Oh, leave her alone!” Kristina slapped his arm. He pushed
her back playfully, but hard enough that she slid over and landed halfway on
me. I squealed, splashing back at both of them. Brandon got in the water fight.

Kris and I started whapping our hands in front of us, cat
fight style, laughing our heads off. We both lurched around, trying to get a
better aim at the other. Somehow I ended up on Kyle’s lap. His hands came up
around my waist.
So wrong.

Ave, babe, whatever you do, DON’T get drunk tonight.

But we’re all friends…it wasn’t that weird, was it?

I fell back against Kyle’s chest so Kris and Dawn had room
to sit down again. Nash had a murderous look on his face until he realized I
was watching him. Or maybe the darkness just made it look like that. I couldn’t
tell now. There wasn’t any way to slink of Kyle’s lap without looking like it
bothered me so I stayed, even though I was overly aware of how he felt under me.
His hands were still on my hips.

Apparently I’m the only guy who doesn’t get to feel you up.

A gust of wind blasted my face and shoulders, making me
shiver, so I slid down deeper into the water. It probably didn’t look good… I
kept my eyes on Dawn as she talked, sounding a little on the far side of tipsy.

Brandon stood up and leaned over the edge, reaching for
something on the deck. Small lights flicked on above us, surrounding the hot
tub. In the new light, I caught an evil grin between Kris and Dawn just before
they both slapped Brandon hard on the ass.

He flipped up so fast he threw a beer bottle over us. “Damn
it!”

I laughed so hard I almost slid under the water. Kyle’s
hands came around me harder, moving up my body. Then one of his hands moved to
cup my breast. I pushed off the bottom of the hot tub, trying to move out of
his reach, but it made me slid up his body.

“Well, hello there,” he said right into my ear.

Fucking asshole!

“Dude, wrong girl,” Nash said, actually reaching over to
take my arm and pull me his way. I laughed like maybe I’d been drinking too,
hoping to play it off.

Kyle laughed, too. “Just joking around.”

 “I
thought
we had wine coolers.” Brandon stood up in
the middle of everyone, triumphantly holding two wine coolers up toward the
sky. “And what do I get for it? Abuse.” He shook his head, sitting down, and
Kyle reached for one.

“Um, think those are for the ladies!” Kris reached too.

“Um, yeah, I was going to open them for you two. Brandon,
you grabbing one more?”

Dawn did not need another drink, but we were here to have
fun. At least Kris and Dawn were—they could drink to their heart’s content and
not worry about going too far with their guy.

Remember that later! It won’t work to say you’re too drunk for
sex. That’s the exact—Never mind. Just don’t to do it that way.

I agreed with Marcus but the wine cooler went down a little
too easy. We finally settled back and relaxed, looking up at the stars and
snuggling with the right guys. I snuck a look at Kris. She had one arm up with her
hand curled around Kyle’s head, as she leaned back on him to smile up at the
sky. If she thought anything about Kyle and me, she knew how to act. Nash was
another matter. Under me, he felt stiff, and he hadn’t opened another beer.

“Holy shit!” Brandon popped up straight and pointed. I sat
up and looked, expecting to see a group of naked girls running down the beach.
It was the moon, giant and yellow, rising up from the sea.

“It’s huge!” Kristina breathed.

“Why thank you,” Kyle quipped, followed by a slapping noise.
I ignored him and stared in wonder.

“Let’s make a wish,” Dawn said.

Brandon laughed at her but I wanted to make a wish too.  Should
I wish for Marcus to disappear? Things to work out with Nash? Things to settle
down with Kyle? For Marcus to be real?

I wish I could meet you face to face. Kiss you on the mouth and
hold you all night.

Me, too.

We soaked in the hot tub until we felt sick. Brandon and Dawn
bailed first. I kept looking up at the sky full of stars, feeling like they
could see what I was thinking while Nash held me on his lap. Marcus and I were
both picturing this scene with him in it. I no longer questioned life with him
talking in my head—it was my normal now, my exciting secret.

 “Ready to make a run for it?” Nash asked by my ear,
startling me because I’d gotten so engrossed in my fantasy.

“Ready, set, go!” I hopped out and grabbed for my towel to
wrap up before I hurried inside.

Nash and I raced to our room, and I picked up my clothes and
walked into the bathroom to change. As I pulled off my wet bikini and hung it
up in the shower, I heard Nash moving in the room, changing into dry clothes. I
wrapped up in a plush towel, then laid a hand on the door, feeling so mixed up
and split in two.

I can tell you what the males in this group are thinking about.

That doesn’t take a kindergarten degree!
I laughed so
suddenly I snorted.

“Avery?” Nash said from the room.

“I was thinking about out in the hot tub. That was pretty
funny when Brandon threw that beer.” I started to change and realized that
hadn’t been the nicest thing to say. Nash had looked prickly out in the hot tub,
and that was without seeing Kyle grab me. I opened the door, planning to talk
to him about it, but he was gone.

Not the best idea anyway. Just my opinion. What are you going
to say? He needs to man up if he wants to keep you.

What is it with you men?

With a sigh, I went upstairs to find Nash. He was squatted
in front of the gas fire place in the living room, watching it burn. “Check
this out.”

We sat on the couch together and I pulled my feet up. He was
warm, inviting me to sink into him. I closed my eyes as his fingers entwined in
mine.

This is what Marcus wanted with me. I tried to wrap my brain
around that, and picture what it’d be like to be around someone like him. Did
he really just jump into things? Do what he wanted in life? Go for it, every
single time?

Don’t you want to be with someone like that?

My dad was like that.

I know, Ave. And it scares you. He made a mistake and it cost
him dearly. That doesn’t mean things will always end like that after you take a
chance. Sometimes it’s worth the risk anyway.

I don’t think like that.

Yes, you do. You’re just scared shitless of it at the same
time. We all are.

“Avery?” Nash whispered. “Are you awake?”

I mumbled into his chest, not wanting to admit to anything.

“I think they’re back.”

That didn’t make sense until the front door opened, filling
the house with voices and the enticing scent of hot Chinese.

“Ave?” He gave me a gentle shake this time. I sat up and
rubbed my face.

“I didn’t even know anyone left.” I looked at Nash and noticed
a five o’clock shadow.  He must have been shaving before our dates. It bothered
me like a moving itch in the middle of my back, staying just out of reach.

I got up and helped Kristina unpack the boxes, but my mind
stayed on those whiskers.

Don’t like a beard?

That wasn’t it. In fact, I imagined Marcus with several
days’ worth of growth. Long hair. Him and I had both seen that much of him. It
looked good on him.
He
looked good.

It wasn’t Nash’s five o’clock shadow. It was how I felt
about him.

Kyle and Brandon filled their plates, pausing to shovel big
bites into their mouths. Kris and I shared a look, smiling. Hers was probably
even genuine.

“Nash, you’re missing out, man,” Brandon said around a
mouthful of food. “And we’re not saving any!”

Nash came over and stood across from me. From the way he looked
at me, there must have been something telling in my expression. This weekend
was going downhill fast.

Awe, come on. We have the beach outside. The waves. Moonlight.

And my friends and Nash to deal with.

We ate around the counter, sitting on stools, drinking more
beer and wine coolers. I sipped mine, trying to pace myself, while the others
tried to get plastered. Except Nash. He poured a glass of water, evaporating my
hopes that he might drink enough to fall into bed and go to sleep.

What is wrong with me?

“You don’t want a beer?” I asked him, lightheartedly I
thought, but he just shook his head.

Dawn looked in a little white bag and said, “Looks like
we’re sharing fortunes. There’s only three cookies.”

“That’s perfect.” Kristina reached over for one and cracked
it open. “You will know much luck this year.” She shrugged.

Dawn grabbed one, throwing a grin at Brandon before cracking
the cookie open. “We will get married and have lots of babies and stay in love
forever.”

Kristina covered her smile, sneaking a sideways look at Brandon
and then me. Her face turned pink like she was embarrassed for Dawn. When I
glanced over, Brandon was red too, but I’m not sure I’d chalk it up to
embarrassment. He took the fortune from her and read, “You will enjoy many
travels.”

Kinda the opposite of what she said.

I had a mouth full of food and planned to swallow it before
getting a fortune. Nash beat me to it. He broke the cookie, read the fortune
silently before turning to me to read, “You will find favor with a friend.”

“Ohhh!” Kristina and Dawn did a little dance as Nash leaned
over and kissed my cheek. I played shy and looked down, overly aware of the
cold way Kyle watched. Marcus would probably have the same look on his face, if
I could see him.

You have to see me to know I’d like to knock Nash’s teeth out?

Wow, prickly.

Nash ate half the cookie and handed me half. The normally
sweet cookie felt stale on my tongue. Then we picked up, throwing the garbage
away and stuffing the remaining food into the fridge. Everyone ended up around
the fireplace in the living room. I cracked the window to let the ocean’s roar
filter in.

“We’ll have to do this out on the beach tomorrow night,”
Kyle said with a nod toward the flames, then his gaze slid over to meet mine. I
wanted to look away but didn’t for a second too long. I wouldn’t mind a fire on
the beach either. It sounded romantic, even with my Nash-Marcus-Kyle dilemma.

Honey, I think the problem is you can’t stand Kyle and don’t
like Nash.

And you’re stuck inside my head where I can’t touch you.

“See you guys in the morning,” Brandon said, taking both of Dawn’s
hands to pull her up before they walked toward the stairs together, hands
already groping.

I waved and felt a sinking feeling. I flicked a look at
Nash, who was watching me.

“Ready to go to bed?” he asked.

No.
“Okay.”

We got up and headed downstairs, and I made a point of not
looking at Kyle. It was my one victory for the night. Now I didn’t have to know
if he was watching me with envious eyes, or actually looking at his girlfriend
for a change, or glaring at Nash. I didn’t have to worry about him.

I had to worry about Nash.

You need to talk to him if you don’t like him, Ave.

We weren’t even all the way into the room when Nash pulled
me against him and kissed me. His lips were soft, and I kissed him back for a
minute. Once the door clicked shut, I pulled back a little.

“I’m going to hop in the shower,” I said. “I don’t like
sleeping with chlorine skin.”

“Okay.” He gave me a playful swat as I turned away. In the
bathroom, I pulled my hair up, striped and jumped into the shower stream before
it’d heated up.

Wonder if a cold shower would turn this off.

No. I didn’t think anything would calm the acute, physical
ache growing inside me for Marcus. Even Nash’s touch made it worse because I
kept thinking about Marcus. I felt dirty about it but and couldn’t stop.

I want to stand here with you, hold you against me.

I needed to get my mind off this. What if I got so turned on
I couldn’t resist Nash? That sobered Marcus quick. I stood in the shower until
the water cooled off again.

I pulled on a shirt and pajama shorts, cracked the door and
stepped out quietly. Nash’s shoring stopped me before I saw he was under the
covers, sprawled out on his back. How on earth had he fallen asleep so fast?

So fast? Well, for starters, you take showers like a girl. And
then he’s a guy.

I didn’t feel like getting into bed with him. What had
started as a creeper thought built into a mountain. I didn’t like him that way
anymore. After a long, bone tired sigh, I pulled on a sweatshirt, socks and my
running shoes.

Like how you’re thinking.

I slipped out through the downstairs sliding door and walked
out onto the beach. The moon hadn’t set yet but it was way over on the other
side of the sky. Still, it cast silver light everywhere, glinting off the waves
and giving the sand a soft, inviting look. The wind had died away, leaving the
musical sound of the ocean to serenade me as I ran. The beach was mine. The world
was mine.

When are you going to tell
him?

Oh, shit. How can I do that to him on this trip? I invited
him just yesterday and acted like I was into him.

I picked up my pace, flying down the wet sand, racing the
moon’s reflection on the water.

It sucks but you have to be honest.

“Who are you, Marcus? Why can’t we figure out where you
actually are?” The wind carried my words off down the beach. I just kept
running.

That wouldn’t fix this problem right now.

Yes, it actually would. If we found you, then I could
tell him about all of this. I could I could explain things to him, and he’d
believe me. He won’t believe me if I tell him.

No, he’d be mad as hell that you had another guy on the side.

I laughed, as best I could while running, which made me
stumble. I just kept going, laughing and stumbling, running like a crazy drunk
person down the beach.

***

“How did all this sand get in here… Avery? Were you out on
the beach this morning?”

I rolled over and found Nash learning almost over me. I
rubbed my face to find sand scratching my skin. He was right. It was in my
hair, on my skin and dusted all over the sheet.

“Wow, sorry. I went for a walk and didn’t think to shower
afterwards.”

Nash slid off the bed, pausing for a microsecond to give me
a look before he grabbed his shirt off the nightstand. He pulled it on quickly
and went in the bathroom.

Looked a little mad there.

Was he? I sorted through the signals and realized with a
sudden clarity that I tend to over analyze things. Marcus saw it for what it
was: a dirty look. Nash was mad that I’d taken such a long shower last night
then made that comment.

He sees the writing on the wall. Best to talk to him.

Do you have to be so straightforward?

Do I have two huevos?

Okay, okay, I get it. Nash probably wants a straight
answer too.

The shower turned on. So much for talking to him now. I went
upstairs to the half bath by the front door. When I came out, I found Kris and Dawn
in the kitchen, ready for the day.

“Did you guys get up at six or something?” I asked. Then I
spotted the almost full coffee pot and added, “Not that I’m complaining.”

Dawn stood in front of the open fridge, sighing. “I want to
go out for breakfast. Screw the guys.”

Kris looked my way. “They went running...” Eye roll here. “about
two hours ago.”

Running? I pictured them walking down the beach, talking
smack and checking out girls, although there usually weren’t any bikini clad
hotties running on the Oregon coast.

I reached around Dawn for the milk. We sipped coffee and
watched the waves, waiting on Nash to come upstairs. Well, they were waiting
and I was procrastinating. I glanced at Kris and pictured the hurt I’d inflict
when we talked.

Might as well get one talk over with, and Nash had to be
done by now. I rinsed up cup, regretting the coffee now souring in my stomach,
and went downstairs.

The curtains were slightly parted, allowing only a splinter
of light to shine across the room. The rest of the space looked dark in
comparison. Nash had already left, apparently out into the beach. I sat on the
bed for a minute, homesick. My room had become my sanctuary—it was mine, not a
room in someone else’s house but my own space. I had it just the way I liked
it. And right now, I wanted to curl up on my bed and put off all these talks
until tomorrow.

But it wasn’t going to work that way, so I put on my big
girl panties—figuratively—and took a shower. I was out and dressed when I
thanked Marcus for giving me space to think.

Quiet but not gone.

Silently spying, you mean?

I got a laugh over that. Marcus called it silently admiring.
If only Nash could be a little more lighthearted like Marcus.

“Ave?” Dawn yelled to me from partway down the stairs. I
opened the door, my hair still a mess, to find her standing there. “Everyone’s
here. We’re getting breakfast. And I’m starving!”

“Kay… coming.” I glanced in the mirror and gave myself a
look of horror, then pulled my mostly wet hair back into a pony tail and called
it good. If Nash was giving me the cold shoulder anyway, it didn’t seem to
matter.

You shouldn’t have to dress up for him to like you.

I pushed some extra hop into my step as I came up the
stairs. Kyle, Kris, Brandon, and Dawn looked natural, like they were all joking
around together. Nash stood a couple of steps back, his hands in his pockets
and his shoulders curled forward, watching them. His gaze swung over to me,
looking much warmer toward me. Maybe even hopeful. I smiled. Maybe we could
just make it until we went home tomorrow.