All In My Head (First Tracks Book 1) (14 page)

Avery

The next morning I woke up paranoid and deleted my Word file
on “The Problem,” just to ensure that no one could find it, if someone actually
snooped on my laptop. It was Sunday, late morning already, and I didn’t have
anything on my to-do list for the day, which left me feeling anchorless and
floating. Dim light filtered in through the sheer white curtain. It was a
drizzly, wet day outside. I leaned back on my headboard, wearing a long gray
T-shirt that I liked to sleep in, the laptop in front of me.

Then, since I didn’t feel Marcus lingering around, I googled
“women in snowboarding.” I’d been trying to figure out what kind of woman
Marcus would date in his real life. Whoa. I found more info than I’d expected—lots
of photos too. He said things about liking the natural look, and I guess I
could see why. The photos were girls and women who looked naturally beautiful:
strong, healthy, long hair, big smiles with nice teeth. Maybe I was buying into
a stereotype … but I still weighed myself against it and wondered if I made the
cut. They looked way more confident than I could remember feeling.

I stared blankly at my laptop screen. It wasn’t like I
thought I could actually work on anything, but thinking about doing something
was supposed to help. It didn’t. I closed the laptop and set it on the floor.

Kris knocked—she was driving up to Medford to shop with Dawn.

Why don’t you go?

The very last thing I wanted to do was listen to Dawn
prattle on.

“No, thanks,” I called since she hadn’t opened the door. “Sorry.
I want to catch up on sleep.”

“Okay, see you later!” Their voices and laughter faded until
the front door slammed shut.

When I was a kid, a hummingbird flew in through our open
front door and tried to escape out a window. We tried to help by shooing it
back out the door, but it kept going to the window, throwing itself against the
glass until it finally just slid down and lay on the windowsill. My mom let me
carefully pick it up and take it outside. The tiny bird was fluorescent green
and hot pink and so beautiful. It was like a mini work of art, lying in the
palm of my hand. As soon as I was out in the sunshine, it immediately flew
away.

But now I know exactly what that little bird felt like when
it gave up and lay down.

So … what are you saying? You’re accepting this reality?

I jumped—I hadn’t expected him to intrude on my personal
moment.

“Do you have a better idea, Marcus? You don’t want me to
tell anyone, and I can’t find anything that helps. Except … a concussion
started all of this … what if?”

No! Babe, that’s crazy. And there’s no reason to even think
it’ll fix things.

“Why not? This doesn’t make any logical sense.”

PROMISE ME you won’t do anything to yourself.

I sighed in response and slid down under the covers.

***

Avery?

I rolled over so I could stare at the wall under my window.
The light had changed, slanting in differently, as if it was much later in the
day. Six, actually. Huh. I’d slept most of the day away.

Sweet pea? Tiger Lily? Come on, life isn’t that bad. I’m sorry
about the store. Okay? I’ll be quiet from now on when you’re out doing things and
talking to people.

This was so unfair for Marcus. I rolled over again and
looked at the guitar across the room. We could play. My phone buzzed as I
thought about it.

See, you can go out with Nash. It’s still the weekend, right?
Go live a little.

“Marcus …”

Go look at your texts. I mean it. You need to do something.
This lying around and moping is worse than—

“Ha! Yeah, right.” I sat up. Marcus wanted me to hang out
with Nash?

Hanging out isn’t so bad. It’s the making out that makes me
want to puke all over him. But you can just tell him you have a cold sore and
Herpes outbreak, so all you can do is talk.

Not going to happen!

I grabbed my phone and stopped short of turning on the
screen.

“If you make me say anything like that to Nash—or anyone
else, for that matter—I will NEVER play the guitar again, or take you running,
snowboarding, anything. Got it?”

He sighed.

You’re no fun.

“Yeah, well, I guess I’ll go have fun with Nash then.”

Only when I started to call Nash did I realize Marcus had
cheered me up. I almost ended the call but Nash picked up.

 “Hey, Avery. How’s it going?”

“Oh, good,” I said, when it hadn’t been. “What are you up
to? Are you free tonight?”

“Sure. What do you want to do?”

Actually see Marcus
. I cut off my sigh to say, “Want
to go to a movie?” That sounded simple enough.

Marcus stepped to the forefront of my mind with an image of
him and me on a blanket in the park, under the leafy Maples, as he gazed down
on my face.

Nash hadn’t answered and I panicked. Had I said something
about that image out loud?

“Sure, okay.” There was hesitation in his voice. “I’ll be
over in about half an hour. Does that work?”

I glanced at the clock. That would give us fifteen minutes
to drive to the theater to catch a seven o’clock movie.

“That’s perfect.” I said goodbye and got off the phone, a
funny feeling settling in my gut. He knew something—either about the party, or
Kyle, or Jasper or the trip Kristina was planning. I sat on the edge of the
bed, leaning over with my elbows on my knees, to get over the drowsy feeling
the nap had given me.

So I haven’t figured it out yet. What do you like about Nash?

“Um, wasn’t that you that encouraged me to call him and go
out?”

Okay, fair enough. I’m not trying to get you to stay home and
all, but I’m curious. He’s the opposite of what you dream about.

“I dream about guys?”

Maybe you should go get ready.

He had a point. I was still in my long pajama shirt and
hadn’t taken a shower. I threw my hair up and hopped through a quickie shower.
Marcus never answered my question and actually stayed out of the shower.
Apparently he followed the rules when it suited him.

I changed into a fitted black V-neck shirt and skinny jeans
with my favorite long boots, then I put on mascara and makeup for a change and
smoothed my hair with the flat iron. Kristina would flip if she knew I could
get ready so fast. Pausing, I stared in the mirror. Not sure if I was just
looking at myself or making sure Marcus looked. It felt like a staring contest
after a minute, and then the doorbell rang.

Marcus must have meant it about staying back and giving me
space. Strange.

I opened the front door and Nash and I both broke into a big
smile. He had dressed up in a dark shirt and slacks. Completely naturally, I
stepped into his embrace, our mouths meeting in one of those perfect fifty-fifty
kisses: it wasn’t him leaning in or me reaching. We both wanted it.

Isn’t that sweet?

Marcus’s voice came through as a soft whisper. He
was
trying to hide himself away and stay out of the picture. It was a nice gesture,
in theory. I still heard him whining about my heels.

Nash pulled back. “We should get going if you wanted to go
to the next movie.”

“Sounds good. Did you check the listings?”

Outside, he opened my car door for me.

As we left, a beat of silence passed and he asked, “You
didn’t check the listings?”

Hmm, I should have thought of that. I pulled out my phone
and we talked about the options before picking
Divergent
. It had just
come out so the showing could be full already, but I didn’t care too much about
what we saw.

“How’s your weekend going?” he asked while driving.

I looked out the side window for a beat, considering how
much to tell him. “Pretty good. I stuck around the house mostly. Kristina had
friends over and they left a big mess, like usual. But I got the house mostly
to myself yesterday.” 

“Yeah?”

He acted distracted and it made me think either he’d heard
rumors or I was over thinking things out of guilt. Maybe he’d heard about the
coast trip. There was no telling what info got out to everyone with the way
Kyle and Brandon liked to talk.

It was getting hot in the car and I turned the fan up. I
decided to take the long way around all of this.

 “Do you have plans for spring break yet?” I asked as
casually as I could, then watched his reaction.

Just frigging ask him!

Crap. Marcus was here, watching all of this. Nash looked
over with raised eyebrows, looking curious and optimistic. “Not really. I mean,
I have things I could do, but … did you want to go somewhere?”

He knew about the trip somehow. That made it easier and
harder to tell him. “Kristina is renting a house on the coast for the next few
days. She’s taking Kyle and Dawn’s taking Brandon. They invited me and thought
I could invite you.” The phrasing came to me as I spoke. It was their idea. I
was just going along with it. Nash didn’t answer—maybe he was thinking it
through, so I rushed on. “I know it’s short notice. So it’s fine if you have
plans already.” That gave him an easy out.

“Oh. Cool.” He scratched the back of his head. His voice
sounded like he was on the verge of saying more. I waited. Then, “So … after
what happened between you and Kyle, you can hang around him? I don’t get it.”

“Well, Kris is my best friend. And maybe he’s changed.”
Really, I didn’t have a good explanation for it, except that I was willing to
put up with a lot.

Nash tapped on the steering wheel. Maybe he wanted me to say
I wanted him there. But for some reason, I didn’t want to sound so eager about
it. And … oh, god, he probably thought I was saying I wanted to be together,
like I was ready for that. I could visualize Marcus slap his hands over his
face.

Just say, “Hey, I’m going to the coast. It’d be cool if you
came. So you wanna?” And leave it at that!

“I mean, it’d be great if you can come.” I hesitated and
decided to get everything out there. “There’s only so many rooms … and I know
we’re not, like,
together
together. So I don’t want to put pressure on
you. That’s not what this is about at all. I just thought we could go together
and hang out.” 

“Oh …”

I couldn’t tell if he was disappointed or just thinking it
through. Why couldn’t he get excited just once?

Because he’s Nash. And he probably thought you were
together-together, as you put it.

“It’s not that expensive, either, since we’re all chipping
in. Just thirty-six bucks a night. A little over a hundred for the whole trip.”
We’d reached Medford. I hoped he answered before we went to the movie.

“Yeah, it sounds great.” He gave a small smile, what I was
officially dubbing the Nash Smile. So had he said yes, or had that been a
polite work around?

“So I can tell Kris we’re going?” I asked, feeling stupid
but needing to clarify.

“Sure. It’ll be fun,” he said.

I filled him in on the rest of the details as he parked at
the theater. As we walked toward the theater, I asked him if he’d been to
Bandon much, where we’d be staying. He hadn’t, and started telling a story
about a trip there, but Marcus started asking about the Oregon coast.

I nodded at Nash while trying to think at Marcus,
Can’t
answer you right now!

Inside, Nash ordered a giant popcorn for us to share and a
large Coke. I usually skip the popcorn and get a pretzel, but I wasn’t feeling
like making a fuss over it.

Didn’t you tell me pretzels taste like camel piss? Since you’ve
tasted that and all?

Only little pretzels. Now shhh!

When we were sitting and watching the previews, Nash wrapped
his arm around my shoulder and leaned close to press a kiss into my temple.

“I missed you.”

I leaned into him, debating what to say for too long and the
moment passed. Did he mean this last week, even though we’d been talking on
campus? Or did he mean these last two weeks when I’d been acting weird? But I still
wasn’t sure anyone had noticed—the only really weird thing was when they found
out I could play the guitar, and even that wasn’t that odd. Maybe all of this
was in my head.

I closed my eyes for a few seconds, willfully feeling Nash
against me. Here and now. Then I felt Marcus lurking. He didn’t say anything.
He didn’t have to for me to feel suddenly split and confused. Still, I didn’t
move away from Nash. I needed to feel someone next to me, holding me, caring
about me.

Why did it have to be so complicated? I didn’t ask for this
or do anything to deserve it. (Did I?)

It turns out I didn’t have to move or say anything for Nash
to pick up on the change. Maybe he could sense Marcus too? No, that was
completely crazy. And I was only two-thirds crazy. Or maybe three-quarters. We
sat close together for the movie, and when it ended, left holding hands but not
saying anything. Since the beginning of this school year, I’d been daydreaming
about being with Nash, and in my fantasy, everything was easy. We clicked, like
I did with Kyle. We could laugh and talk and share all kinds of things.

Instead we were being quiet, the way people are before
breaking up.

At the house, he parked and asked in a quiet, flat voice,
“Do you want to go for a walk?”

“Sure,” I said, trying for an optimistic tone, like I wasn’t
picking up on the tension at all. I got out and waited for him, and then we
walked down the street side by side. Until that moment, I had thought the
evening went well enough that we could keep going, pretending. Now my heart
rate picked up and my stomach tightened. Oddly, I was relieved to feel emotion
over a possible breakup. That meant I cared. Wanting to break the silence, or
start this dreaded talk, I asked, “So, is something on your mind?”