All of My Soul (20 page)

He finally sat up and looked at me. If I
thought the tone in his voice was scary, it was nothing compared to
the look in his eyes.

“Why bother? You never listen to me anyway.”
He wiped his face with a towel and took a long drink from his water
bottle.

I nervously took a step into the room.
“That’s not true.”

He glared at me. “Really. So you mean you
listen to me and consider my feelings before doing whatever the
hell you want anyway?”

“I didn’t do whatever I wanted. I didn’t have
a choice—”

“Bullshit,” he interrupted me.

“I didn’t, Lincoln! What was I supposed to
do? Tabitha was sick, and my laptop had crashed.”

“I would have bought you a new one!” he
yelled, and his eyes flashed with emotion.

I clenched my fists and steeled myself
against his anger. “I don’t want you to buy me a new one.”

He hung his head in his hands. “I cannot have
this argument with you again. I’m so sick of you not caring how I
feel about this.”

“What about how I feel?”

“How do you feel, Jillian? Loved? Cared for?
Spoiled? Have I ever given you any reason to feel otherwise?”

“I don’t want you spending money on me.”

“Why the hell not?!”

“Because I don’t deserve it!” I blurted out.
“It makes me feel unbalanced. You give me all these things, and I
have nothing to give you in return.”

Lincoln let out a loud, frustrated groan and
ran his hands through his hair. “Do you not understand what it does
to me to hear you say that? Or do you just not care?”

“Of course I care, Lincoln!”

“Then why don’t you listen to me? Huh?”

I couldn’t answer his question. “I’m sorry I
broke my promise and went out alone.”

“No. Answer my question. After all we’ve been
through, after the countless times I have told you how important
you are to me, how could you say you don’t deserve the things I
give you?”

I crossed my arms and turned away from him,
my lips sealed. This argument had taken a turn I wasn’t prepared
for.

I felt him come up behind me. He gently
clasped my elbow and turned me, forcing me to look at him.

“How do you not understand how much I love
you? How much it would kill me if anything happened to you? Do you
really think so little of yourself that you don’t understand how
much it would hurt me if anything happened to you? How it already
hurts when you won’t let me take care of you? The woman I love is
driving a piece-of-shit car, struggling to make ends meet, totally
unconcerned about her safety, and she won’t let me help her. Don’t
you care how that makes me feel?”

I swallowed hard and looked away from him. I
hadn’t thought about any of that. I hadn’t thought of how Lincoln
felt. I was a crappy girlfriend.

He hooked a finger under my chin and gently
tipped my face up to his. When he spoke again, the warmth had
returned to his voice. “I cannot have you unprotected. I need you
to be safe, and I want to take care of you. How many times do I
have to tell you that?”

Regret washed through me, and I wrapped my
arms around his waist and pushed my forehead into his chest. I
didn’t care that he was drenched in sweat.

“I’m sorry,” I simply said into his
chest.

Lincoln rested one hand on my hip and the
other on the top of my head. “We have to be a team.” I nodded my
head against his chest. “And if there’s anyone who knows about
being on a team, it’s me. When one person is weak, the other is
strong. If one person falls, the other lifts them up.”

“But you don’t have any weaknesses,” I told
him. “I bring nothing to this team.”

He let out an exasperated cough. “Princess.”
He gently pushed me back to look in my eyes. “You make me see the
world differently. I used to be convinced everyone was trying to
take advantage of me. I thought people only wanted to know me
because of my father or because they wanted an autograph. I felt
like the only people I could trust were my brother and sister.
You’ve shown me that’s not the case. You keep me grounded. You give
me something to come home to. Something to look forward to. And
that’s more precious than anything I could ever buy you.”

My heart soared, and I threw my arms around
his neck as he bent down to hold me close to him. We stood in his
gym wrapped around each other, for the longest time, and I let go
of my selfishness. For as generous and goodhearted as Lincoln
thought I was, I was doing a terrible job of thinking about what he
needed and how he felt, and that should have been a top
priority.

“When was your last therapy appointment?” he
asked quietly against my hair as he held me.

I froze. I was ashamed to admit it had been a
while. Life had just kind of gotten crazy, and it slipped through
the cracks.

“Jillian?” His voice was stern, as if he
already knew he wasn’t going to like the answer.

“Since before Valentine’s Day,” I
admitted.

He exhaled sharply. “So long? I thought you
went after our trip to DC.”

I shook my head against his chest. “I meant
to. I just got busy and kept forgetting to call.”

He was quiet for a moment. I think he was
trying to calm himself, because when he spoke again his voice was
strained. “Will you please make an appointment as soon as
possible?”

“Do you want to go with me?”

“Just make an appointment for the earliest
time, and I’ll see if I can make it. I think it’s important you
speak to your doctor as soon as possible.”

I scoffed and stepped out of his embrace.
“Why? You think I need help that much?” I was slightly offended. I
knew I had been through a lot emotionally, but I thought I was
handling it reasonably well.

“No. Princess, no.” He reached for me and
tilted my chin up so he could look me in the eye. “That’s not what
this is about. That’s not what I meant. It feels as if life is
unraveling, and I think you are stressed and need someone to talk
to about it. I’m not always available, and even if I am, I feel
like I don’t say the right things all the time. I just want you to
be able to talk to someone about anything that might be bothering
you, whether that’s your scars, or nightmares, or Mackenzie, or
even if I piss you off. There’s no shame in talking to
someone.”

I scoffed again and pulled my chin out of his
grasp. “I know that.” Crossing my arms against my chest, I turned
away from him stubbornly. “I’ll e-mail Dr. Raussman’s office
tomorrow.”

“Thank you. But just so you know, I’m still
mad at you.”

I turned back to him. “Well, I’m still mad at
you too.”

He straightened up and glared at me. The
majority of the anger in his eyes had dissipated, but he still
looked upset. “What were you thinking, going out alone?”

I glared back at him. “What were you
thinking, lying to me?”

He scoffed. “I didn’t lie.”

With a cocked eyebrow I gave him a
contentious glare. “How long has Brody been following me?”

“Since we returned from Boston.” He answered
my question but didn’t sound the least bit remorseful.

So long!

“Ugh. I hope I didn’t do anything too
embarrassing in front of him.”

“He’s one of the most experienced guys at the
security company members of congress use. I’m sure he’s seen
worse.”

I sighed. “Why didn’t you just tell me? I
don’t like it when you hide things from me.”

He shook his head. “This isn’t like before,
Princess. I didn’t want to scare you or distract you from your
work, but I need you protected.”

I thought back to the dinner we shared at
Lincoln’s parents’ place. “Is that what your dad meant when he
asked if you’ve taken precautions?”

Lincoln nodded.

“But wait, how did someone slip that drug
into my drink if he was watching me?”

Lincoln let out a frustrated sigh and ran a
hand through his hair. “He wasn’t there. I thought since you were
in a group you’d be safe without extra protection. Especially with
Carter and Brian there. I blame myself for telling him he didn’t
need to be there to watch you. It’s a mistake I won’t let happen
again. Unless you are here or at home, he’s ordered to have eyes on
you at all times. And don’t even try to argue with me about this.”
His voice got stern.

“I wasn’t going to. Don’t yell at me,” I said
in a small voice. I felt a tear slip down my cheek, and I wiped it
away quickly as I turned away from Lincoln.

This whole week had been shit, and even
though I knew he had every right to scold me, having him do so was
the final straw. Embarrassed as my emotions bubbled over, I walked
away from Lincoln into his man cave, hoping he would give me a
minute. But of course he didn’t.

I stood in front of the glass wall at the
back of his house, looking out. There was no moon tonight, and it
was almost scary how dark the woods behind his house were.

Lincoln came up behind me and lightly placed
his giant hands on my shoulders. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to
yell.”

I sniffled a few times and tried to blink
away the tears on my eyes.

“What’s wrong, baby?”

“It’s just been a really awful week. Between
my laptop and Tabitha… and I felt terrible for making you mad. I’ve
never seen a gun up close before, and it scared me. It just kind of
all hit me at once. And I missed you so much.” I turned and hugged
him around his waist, resting my head against his sternum again. “I
know I deserve for you to be mad at me, but I just—I just—”

Lincoln wrapped his arms around me and rubbed
my back. “Shh. Shh. It’s okay. It’s okay. I’m sorry I yelled.”

We held each other tight for a while in the
darkness before Lincoln finally spoke.

“We’re not going to let their misery infect
us, right? You and me. We’re going to be happy no matter what they
try to do to us. Isn’t that what you said? We’re not going to let
them affect us.”

“Who’s ‘them,’ Lincoln?”

“It doesn’t matter who it is. If it’s
Mackenzie or someone else. Whoever it is, they aren’t going to hurt
you. I know you are worried, but no matter what they try, I will be
here for you. We’re not going to lose each other. You are my
center, my haven. I will do whatever it takes to make you happy and
keep you safe.”

He was right. It had been my goal in life. No
matter how terrible someone treated me, I wasn’t going to let them
affect me. If my father’s death taught me anything, it was to
cherish and enjoy life. Part of that was not letting others make
you miserable.

Lincoln must have sensed my deliberation in
my silence. “You let me worry about it, Princess, okay? Just don’t
let them change you.”

I nodded against his chest. I wouldn’t let
them change me into some quivering shadow. I wouldn’t give them
that power. I would trust in Lincoln to keep me safe and happy. He
was my top priority, and if it made him happy to buy me things and
protect me, then I would shut up and let him do it.

I inhaled deeply before letting out a long
sigh. “You stink,” I said against his still-sweaty chest.

Lincoln laughed. “Wow. You sure know how to
kill the moment.”

I chuckled and pulled back from him. “You
killed it. You really stink.” I grabbed his hand and pulled on him
as I walked backward. “Come on. Let’s shower.”

Chapter Sixteen

The first thing the next morning, Lincoln
took me shopping for a new computer. I listed off the aspects I
needed in a laptop, and the salesman showed me a few. I wasn’t
allowed to look at the price tags, and eventually I just picked the
one I liked the best. Lincoln was ecstatic as he swiped his card to
pay for it, tacking on several software upgrades and a new carrying
case.

As soon as I got home, I connected to the
university’s network, synced my shiny new laptop with my cloud, and
downloaded my thesis and research data before saving both to my
hard drive and flash drive. True to my word, I also exchanged
e-mails with my therapist’s office manager and scheduled an
appointment for the soonest available time.

You’d think I’d be used to speaking with Dr.
Raussman at this point in my life, but every time I had an
appointment with him my nerves got the better of me. I was always
paranoid he would find some deep, dark secrets inside me hidden
even from me. I should have known by now that was not how Dr.
Raussman operated, but it was just one of those things, like taking
your car for an oil change and fearing they’d find a million things
wrong with it.

Lincoln managed to leave practice early so he
could join me, and despite my fears over what Dr. Raussman might
uncover, I was glad my man was here to support me. As always when
Lincoln accompanied me to see my therapist, he was required to sit
and could only contribute if Dr. Raussman or I directly involved
him. This wasn’t supposed to be couples therapy, but he wanted to
be here anyway.

We sat on the deep brown leather love seat in
the doctor’s office, and I stared blankly at my hands in my lap,
zoning out, thinking about what the doctor might say. My hands
played with a tissue, weaving it between my fingers and pulling it
through before repeating the process. It was a nervous twitch, one
I didn’t even realize I was doing until Lincoln reached over and
took one of my hands in his, lacing our fingers together. I smiled
up at him as Dr. Raussman started the session, and we recapped what
had happened in my life since I had seen him last.

“So it’s been over a month since your trip to
Washington. How many nightmares have you had since you got back?”
Dr. Raussman asked.

I should have known he would zero in on that.
I hadn’t told anyone, but since that first nightmare in the hotel
room in Washington, I had been having more. It was like that first
nightmare opened a floodgate. Most nights I worked on my thesis
until the early hours of the morning, and then I’d sleep for a few
hours only to wake in a panic, drenched in sweat as the nightmarish
flames lingered on my skin. The only good thing about it was, now
that it happened more frequently, when I woke it only took me a
second to realize I was dreaming.