Dear Coca-Cola

Copyright © Terry Ravenscroft, 2011

A RAZZAMATAZZ PUBLICATION

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The day after Terry Ravenscroft threw in his mundane factory job to write television comedy scripts he was involved in a car accident which left him unable to turn his head. Since then he has never looked back. Born in New Mills, Derbyshire, in 1938, he still lives there with his wife Delma and his mistress Divine Bottom (in his dreams).

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FOOTBALL CRAZY

CAPTAIN’S DAY

JAMES BLOND - STOCKPORT IS TOO MUCH

INFLATABLE HUGH

DEAR AIR 2000

LES DAWSON’S CISSIE AND ADA

STAIRLIFT TO HEAVEN

I’M IN HEAVEN

THE RAZZAMATAZZ FUN EBOOK

ZEPHYR ZODIAC

Sample pages of each of these titles can be read at the end of this book.

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DEAR COCA-COLA

Note. All the letters to the food and drink companies and their letters to me are entirely genuine. Not a word, including the spelling/grammar mistakes, has been altered.

T Ravenscroft (Mr) would like to thank the food and drink companies and their staff who replied to his letters, often with patience above and beyond the call of duty, and without whom this book would not have been possible. He would especially like to thank the Coca-Cola Company for the use of the name of their incredibly popular drink for the title of the book.

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17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

28th April

Coca-Cola and Schweppes Beverages

Uxbridge

Dear Coca-Cola

Coca-Cola is the favoured drink in our household, whether guzzled in vast quantities by my three

sons, consumed in the diet version by my wife, or drunk freely by myself - albeit generally with a generous measure of rum in it. We rarely imbibe in anything else as I have always encouraged my family to drink it ever since I was witness to a demonstration in which an old coin had been left in a glass of Coca-Cola only to emerge twelve hours later looking as though it were brand spanking new. I thought to myself at the time ‘If Coca-Cola can clean up and old coin like that, just think what a wonderful job it will do of keeping my intestines clear,’ and my family and I have been drinking it ever since.

What I particularly like about Coca-Cola is that it is so consistent. What you see is what you get, as they say. As I was only remarking the other day to a chap at the dentists where I’d taken two of my sons - Henry to have a couple of teeth out and Marcus for twelve fillings - ‘Thank God there is one drink on the market that you can depend on.’

Could I ask a favour of you? We will shortly be having friends visit us for a few days and they are very strict vegetarians. Coca-Cola will be available to them by the bucketful of course, but naturally I wouldn’t like to offer them anything which might be at odds with their vegetarian beliefs. I am of course aware that the recipe of Coca-Cola is a closely-guarded secret but, with the above in mind, I would be most grateful if you could let me know whether or not there is anything of animal origin in Coca-Cola?

Yours faithfully

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

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Coca-Cola Great Britain

20 May

Mr T Ravenscroft

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

Cheshire

Dear Mr Ravenscroft

Thank you for your letter of 28th April. I have only just received your letter today and so I must apologise for this delayed reply.

Your letter was originally received by Coca-Cola and Schweppes Beverages who then forwarded it on to myself. I hope that you will receive this reply before the arrival of your visitors as I am pleased to confirm that Coca-Cola does not contain any ingredients of animal origin.

I hope you and your family will continue to enjoy the refreshing taste of Coca-Cola and thank you for your interest in the products of The Coca-Cola Company.

Yours sincerely

T S Dean

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17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

9th June

T S Dean

Coca-Cola Great Britain

1 Queen Caroline Street

London

Dear T S Dean

Thank you for your letter of 20th May. In fact my friends Arnold and Concepta are staying with us at the moment, so immediately I received your letter I offered them a Coca-Cola. Both of them however declined the offer and gave me a funny look. I then showed them your letter, but they still couldn't be tempted, and refused to say why. I then told them that they didn't know what they were missing. Arnold said he knew exactly what they were missing, which was why he was intent on missing it, and that they never drank Coca-Cola. When I asked him why he said it was because one of its ingredients is coca, a substance which is derived from the dried leaves of the coca plant, a South American shrub (Erythroxylon Coca), which is used to make the illegal drug cocaine. I told him not to be so silly as I’d once seen Michael Jackson promoting it on a television commercial, and that whilst Michael Jackson may well have been accused of anything from playing hide the sausage with young boys to trying to gradually turn himself into a white man he was definitely not the sort of person who would promote a beverage whose ingredients included an illegal substance.

However Arnold insisted that this is the case. Personally I think he's talking a load of hogwash - he's a social worker - but I must confess that I've often wondered why it is that a can of Coke can put me on a high whilst no other drink can do this.

Is it possible that Arnold could be telling the truth?

Yours faithfully

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

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Coca-Cola Great Britain

2 July

Mr T Ravenscroft

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

Cheshire

Dear Mr Ravenscroft

Thank you for your letter of 9 June.

We can confirm that cocaine is not contained in Coca-Cola or in any other product of The Coca-Cola Company. The products of The Coca-Cola Company available in the United Kingdom are listed below.

Coca-Cola

Cherry Coke

diet Coke

caffeine-free diet Coke

Sprite

Sprite light

Lilt Pineapple and Grapefruit

diet Lilt Pineapple and Grapefruit

Lilt Mandarin and Mango

diet Lilt Mandarin and Mango

Fanta Orange

diet Fanta Orange

Five Alive Citrus

Five Alive Mediterranean

Five Alive Orchard Fruits

Five Alive Tropical

Five Alive Lite

With regard to your query on the coca plant, decocainized coca extract is a flavouring ingredient approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration under its listing of natural ingredients “generally recognised as safe” and also by the Council of Europe, The Flavour Extract Manufacturers Association (FEMA) and the International Organisation of Flavour Industries (IOFI). If you have concerns about coca extract may I suggest you contact one of the above organisations for further information. I hope this information is helpful to you and thank you for your interest in the products of the Coca-Cola Company.

Yours sincerely

T S Dean

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17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

4th July

T S Dean

Coca-Cola Great Britain

1 Queen Caroline Street

London

Dear T S Dean

Thank you for your letter of 2nd July. I showed it to my friend Arnold and he asked me to apologise to you on his behalf.

My elder son Marcus also saw your letter and expressed a great deal of interest in it. He will be leaving school this year and has intimated to me that he would like to work for the Coca-Cola Company. He even knows which job he would like to do - operating the apparatus which removes the cocaine from the coca extract. This is the first time he has ever shown any interest in work whatsoever, so naturally I am keen to encourage him. With this in mind perhaps you could send me a job application form for him?

Yours faithfully

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

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Coca-Cola Great Britain

18 July

Mr T Ravenscroft

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

Cheshire

Dear Mr Ravenscroft

Thank you for your letter of 4 July .

There are limited openings in the Company at the moment. However, your son is welcome to send a curriculum vitae to me and I shall give it to the staffing director in this office.

Once again thank you for your interest.

Yours sincerely

T S Dean

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17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

4th July

Ferrero Ltd

Rickmansworth

Herts

Dear Ferrero

On the recommendation of a friend I recently purchased a jar of your Nutella Hazlenut Chocolate Spread. It was quite tasty, but despite going through it with a fine toothcomb I could find no
trace of any hazelnuts whatsoever. Is it possible I got a faulty jar?

Yours faithfully

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

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FERRERO

15 April

Mr T Ravenscroft

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

Cheshire

Dear Mr Ravenscroft

Thank you for your recent letter regarding hazelnuts in Nutella.

In the production process for Nutella there are rollers that grind the paste until it is smooth. That is why you cannot feel the nuts.

Thank you for writing and I now enclose a jar which I hope you will enjoy.

Yours sincerely

Karen Davies

Customer Relations Department