Dear Coca-Cola (8 page)

Now we have got the starter and the wine sorted out, how about introducing a No Frills Escargots de Conserve a la Bourguignon for the main course?

Yours faithfully

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

****

KWIK SAVE

Our Ref: GHW/MW/2999

17th July

Mr Ravenscroft

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

Cheshire

Dear Mr Ravenscroft

No Frills Escargots De Conserve A La Bourguignon

Thank you for your recent letter regarding the possibility of stocking the above products in Kwik Save stores.

Kwik Save's aim is to provide loyal customers with the best value shopping basket anywhere. As we trade from units which are usually smaller than most of our competitors, we must pay constant attention not only to market trends but also to our customers when assessing store ranges. We carry out range reviews at regular intervals and your suggestion will be considered at our next review meeting.

We do appreciate our customer's taking the time to make constructive suggestions which will improve the range of products and services we offer. Please do not hesitate to advise us of any other product you feel would be a worthwhile addition to our range.

Yours sincerely

G H Williams (Mrs)

****

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

28th March

J Sainsburys PLC

Warren Street

Stockport

Dear J Sainsburys

Reference you advertisement for New Zealand Lamb in The Sunday Times Magazine, today's date, in which you say you will 'Refund your money in full if your taste buds aren't delighted.' Well last Saturday I purchased a joint of your New Zealand Lamb, which we had for Sunday lunch along with our usual oven chips, and whilst my taste buds were by no means offended they were certainly not delighted. I must point out here that my taste buds are in fine working order. Proof of this, if proof were needed, is that as I enjoy a Big Mac as much as anyone.

I would also point out that we gave the remains of the joint to our dog Rantzen and it made him sick - although it must be said that along with the lamb we gave him a few sprouts which had been tossed in 'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter', so that may very well have had something to do with it.

However, taking both opinions into consideration, mine and the dog's, it would seem that by the terms of your advertisement I am due for my money back . Could you please therefore let me know how I go about getting it?

Yours faithfully

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

****

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

10th April

Richard Bewley

Meat Manager

J Sainsburys PLC

Stockport

Dear Richard Bewley

Thank you for telephoning yesterday to apologise for your very ordinary New Zealand Lamb, and your offer to recompense me. My wife can't remember exactly how much she paid for it - she's like that with money - but she said it was 'ten pounds or thereabouts'. (She'd have known if she'd had to earn the money to pay for it!) As I am a man of some means I don't really need the refund so I would be grateful if you could donate it to Cancer Research, with my best wishes.

Yours faithfully

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

****

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

1st April

The Ryvita Company Ltd

Poole

Dorset

Dear Ryvita

Despite being in my forties I have just tried Ryvita for the very first time. What a revelation! Since first sampling them not much more than a week ago I have already devoured six packets! I eat them two at a time thickly spread with butter with about a dozen oven chips in-between as part of a calorie-controlled diet. The only fault I find with them is that they tend to make the roof of my mouth sore. Would your Oat Bran or Dark Rye versions be any more forgiving?

Yours faithfully

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

****

RYVITA

24 April

Mr T Ravenscroft

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

Dear Mr Ravenscroft

Thank you for your letter of 1st April and please accept my sincere apologies for the delay in responding.

We are absolutely delighted that you have discovered Ryvita and are intrigued at a calorie controlled diet which includes regular helpings of Ryvita Chip Butties!

With reference to your particular queries, Ryvita is 100% natural and contains no artificial additives or preservatives. The ingredients are purely wholemeal rye, water and a pinch of salt. Ryvita is therefore naturally high in fibre and low in fat and contains a natural balance of vitamins and minerals. As such, Ryvita is the ideal product to be incorporated into any healthy eating plan and is widely recommended by nutritionists and slimming clubs. However, if you are generally concerned about your diet, we would recommend that you see your doctor who is the best person to advise you on the suitability of your diet.

As Ryvita is baked at fairly high temperatures, it is naturally very crunchy but there are many toppings you can use to help soften the crispbread which are also delicious and very nutritious. We have enclosed some booklets on Ryvita toppings and serving suggestions to give you some ideas. In addition, we also manufacture an extruded crispbread called "Crackerbread". Crackerbread has a "softer'~ bite than Ryvita and we are enclosing a pack for you to try. Crackerbread, like Ryvita, is available from all major multiples.

We do hope this gives you lots of ideas and good luck with the diet.

With kind regards

Yours sincerely

Cathy Dalton

Product Manager

****

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

6th May

Cathy Dalton

The Ryvita Company Ltd

Poole

Dear Cathy Dalton

Thank you for your letter of 24th April and the packets of Crackerbread. Thank you also for the booklets, especially the No Diet Diet. At the time of writing I have been on your Daily Dash breakfast for a week, and by now I certainly know why you've called it the Daily Dash. I'm going to try your Pack up and Go next week and if its name turns out to be equally appropriate I am certainly not going to forget where the lavatory is. I have also tried Tempting Tuna and can report that if you cut out the low calorie mayonnaise and replace it with a generous portion of oven chips it is even more tempting. You might like to include it when you compile your next booklet? You could call it Tempting Providence.

Yours faithfully

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

NO REPLY!

*****

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

2nd April

H J Heinz Co Ltd

Hayes

Middlesex

Dear H J Heinz

I am afraid that I have a rather serious complaint to make about your Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends Pasta Shapes. Yesterday I opened a can of the said concoction for my youngest's lunch. On giving it to him he immediately went a bright shade of red and started screaming. Then, and completely without warning, he hurled the entire contents of the bowl at the kitchen wall.

I would respectfully point out that on the can it clearly states that the pasta shapes contained within include, amongst others, Thomas the Tank Engine, Harold the Helicopter, Trevor the Tractor and The Fat Controller. My complaint, and the reason for my two-year-old's eccentric behaviour, is that the can didn't contain so much as a single Fat Controller, which happens to be young Oscar's favourite. (He likes to bite his head off) You can take the can's lack of Fat Controllers as gospel, as I had to remove every one of the sixty five pasta pieces from the kitchen wall. For what it's worth, I counted twenty two Thomas the Tank Engines, eleven Harold the Helicopters, seven Trevor the Tractors, ten Bertie the Buses, nine unspecified items which slightly resembled bridges or signal boxes, and six unspecified items which were unidentifiable but certainly weren't the Fat Controller, at least not unless Thomas the Tank Engine had just run over him.

From the time I placed the bowl of Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends Pasta Shapes in front of young Oscar until the time I had restored the kitchen floor to its former pristine condition, including settling down Oscar and cleaning the kitchen wall, took up an hour of my very valuable time. This was completely due to your negligence and I would like to know what you intend to do about it?

Yours faithfully

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

****

Heinz

Mr T Ravenscroft

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

Dear Mr Ravenscroft

Thank you for letting us know of your experience with our Thomas The Tank Spaghetti.

We are concerned to learn that one of our products did not meet our normal high standards. The greatest care is taken to ensure that our products reach our customers in perfect condition and tests are carried out by our staff at every stage during preparation and manufacture. Our procedures are approved and regularly audited by independent authorities. It is apparent from your comments, however, that a filling fault has occurred in this instance.

As you would expect, we take our responsibilities to our customers very seriously indeed. Thank you for your help in supplying information about your complaint: this is used to help us in our programme of continuous improvement of our equipment and quality procedures.

We are sorry you have had this experience with our product. Please accept the enclosed in accordance with our guarantee to refund the price of the product if it does not meet your requirements. We hope your confidence in our products has been restored and that we will continue to receive your valued custom.

Yours sincerely,

Helen Reeves

Consumer Contact

Enc: £2.00 Voucher

****

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

12th April

Your ref 0335827A

Helen Reeves

H J Heinz Co Ltd

Hayes

Middlesex

Dear Helen Reeves

Thank you for your letter of 8th April.

It is nice to know that you take such care to ensure that your products reach your customers in perfect condition. Unfortunately I am having great difficulty in believing you. The reason for this is your inexplicable reference to 'Thomas the Tank'. I would respectfully point out to you that Thomas is not a tank, but a tank engine. It seems to me that if you at Heinz can't tell the difference between a tank and a tank engine then there is not much chance of you being able to tell the difference between Bertie the Bus and The Fat Controller, and if this is the case you are going to have many more cans lacking Fat Controllers. I just hope that I am not unfortunate enough to serve up one of them to young Oscar, or it will be kitchen wall cleaning time again!

Which brings me to the voucher for £2 that you enclosed, which I am returning to you as I regard it as an insult. If this was meant to compensate me for the time I spent cleaning my kitchen then it is totally inadequate. Good Lord woman, it cost me almost that much in Flash alone.

For the record, a tank is a large military vehicle, which runs on tracks and has a big gun at the front. A tank engine is a wheeled traction vehicle used on the railway to pull carriages.

Yours faithfully