All of the Lights (41 page)

I huff out a laugh and shake my head even as my lips curl up into a soft smile.

"No," I relent. "But it might help. Don't you think?"

He blows out a deep breath and shoves his hands in his pockets as mine fall off his shoulders. "So we wait. We keep trying with the Gianottis and see what happens? That's your plan?"

All I can do is shrug. What other options do we have? For the first time in my life, I feel content with not having a true plan, in feeling like maybe everything will find a way to work itself out. It's as disconcerting as it is comforting to know we've just handed opportunity over to fate, but I don't see what choice we have.

Sean doesn't deserve his fate anymore than the mayor deserves to sit in the lap of luxury, playing both sides while playing everyone else for a fool.

Somehow, some way, everyone will get exactly what they deserve. Sean. The mayor. The Gianotti brothers. Roark and Maura Callahan. The people of this city. And maybe even Jack and me.

How that's all going to turn around and end happily is still a mystery, but for now, I just have to hang on to this fraying hope with everything I have.

Rae

A week later, I'm still holding firm to that hope. With yet another Gianotti brothers meeting on the horizon, I'm still holding firm to something else too—I need to meet Brennan. Even if necessity wasn't an issue, I'd still want to meet him. I'd still want to know him. I just have to hope that after the dust settles, after Jack is able to calm him down enough, he'll listen and want to know me too.

But until then, I have to survive this shift at the store first.

I already told Lucy I need to leave a little early—the plan Jack came up with is pretty ingenious. If everything goes the way we need it to, he'll be at his apartment with my brother by the time I get there. That is, if Brennan agrees to it and I feel like that's a pretty big if.

If he doesn't agree, if he won't see me, if he won't even attempt to accept me...I haven't really let myself ruminate on that particular outcome because I've only focused on the happy one.

I close my eyes and replay Sean's words when he'd called me earlier today, "
Don't worry, Rae. Me and Jack will take care of it."

I just have to trust them.

For now, I'm currently knee-deep in fitting room horror. Seriously, this is the stuff of retail nightmares. The customer, who'd been nothing but a pain in my ass the second she walked through the door, continued her streak of all-around bitchy entitlement by leaving every single item of clothing she'd brought into the fitting room with her inside out and on the floor.

Cursing under my breath, I bend down to scoop up a few shirts and jeans and shake my head.

"Geez," Lucy mutters behind me. "What a bitch."

"I swear to God," I huff as I turn my head to glance at her. "There's a special place in hell reserved for people who do this to fitting rooms."

"Right," she laughs and then she surprises me by sneaking around me to scoop up the rest of the clothes on the floor. "So...you're really not going to tell me why you need to leave early today?"

I bristle a little at that, but recover as quickly as I can. "I told you. I have an appointment I have to go to and I couldn't reschedule it."

"Sure."

The flippant, casual tone is a familiar one and it means she doesn't buy my bullshit for a second. Part of me wishes it didn't have to be this way. All I'd have to do is just tell her the truth, but I just don't know how she'll react. And I don't know who she'll decide to tell either.

All you had to do was tell the truth...

I feel like those words are going to haunt me for the rest of my life.

The best I can do to deflect is by putting each piece of clothing back on its rightful hanger, one by one, as slowly as possible. There's really nothing else to do anyway since our only customer, the she-beast who'd treated us like second class citizens, is already long gone. The store is in perfect shape because I've already been through all the Z-racks and tables twice, so really, all there's left to do is stand here and avoid this conversation.

"You've been doing this a lot lately," my sister presses on as she moves closer to me, boxing me in with little room to run. "Mysterious appointments, needing to cut out early, randomly calling in...are you okay, Rae?"

Her voice is laced with sincere and genuine concern, with only a hint of suspicion, and I don't have time to muster up an excuse because she just keeps right on going.

"This is so unlike you. I mean, I'll be the first one to admit that I leave as early as I can as often as I can, but you never have up until a few weeks ago. What happened?"

What happened?
My entire life got upended, that's what happened. But I can't tell her that. I wish I could. I really wish I could.

"There's a guy, isn't there?"

My eyes just about bug out of my head and Lucy's mouth drops open into a wide O.

"That's it," she murmurs. "There's a guy. God, I'm so glad you've finally moved on from what's-his-face. He was a total douche. Why didn't you just tell me?"

I want to tell her how wrong she is, how giving me a free pass because of a 'new guy' isn't very boss-like, but there's a small part of me that makes the words stick to my throat like honey. It's not entirely off-base. There's Sean. Brennan....and Jack. My eyes flutter closed briefly as the dust settles around Jack. We haven't spoken much since last weekend and I haven't seen him since we visited Sean last Sunday, but he hasn't been far from my thoughts. That alone should be enough to make me snap out of it. There's a whole world of complications attached to Jack and the simmering...no, I can't even admit it in my thoughts.

"It's not what you think," I tell Lucy instead, but that subtle eyebrow lift tells me she's not convinced. "I just..."

"What, Rae?" she steps closer as if to will me into once again doing exactly what she wants. Although, this time, I know she has the best of intentions. "
What
is going on with you?"

I swallow hard and give her the best I can. "I can't tell you."

Her face falls in disappointment. "You can't tell me?"

"I'm sorry," I shake my head and I barely recognize the sound of my own voice. It sounds hollow and thin, heavy with everything I can't say. "I will, though. As soon as all this...as soon as I have everything figured out, I'll tell you. I promise."

Lucy's eyes narrow ever so slightly, but as she pushes out a deep breath, her mouth curves up in a hopeful smile. "Okay, Rae."

For the first time in my life, I feel like I've finally been honest with my sister. Even if I hadn't been able to tell her the whole truth, I'd been honest. Somewhere along the way, I'd finally learned that giving her what she wanted wasn't really helping either of us. And it's that thought that propels what happens next.

"Hey, Luce," I start carefully and gesture to the business plan I'd written out for the day. "Did you get a chance to look at this yet?"

She barely spares the paper a second glance and shrugs.

"So," I prompt her. "I take it you
don't
want to see yesterday's numbers either."

She just shrugs again. "What's the point? It's not like it's going to be anything good."

The best approach is to stay calm. Stay optimistic. Practical. I just wish she'd do the same.

"What's the point, Luce? The point is that it's your business and you should want to know how it's doing."

Lucy waves an impassive hand around our empty store. "I think I have a pretty good idea how it's doing without having to look at a spreadsheet. Besides, you're one to talk. You wouldn't tell me what's going on with you, but yet I'm supposed to be an open book now?"

I'm riding a wave of frustration now and it's all I can do not to crash right into the sand. Who thought it was a good idea again to give this girl her own business? Oh right. The mayor. He'd do just about anything to keep his precious little girl happy and to him, this was just petty cash. Given the way he gets his cash, he probably didn't think twice about it. For all I know, he's using this store to launder money anyway. Probably shouldn't put it past him.

All you had to do was tell the truth...

What Lucy needs now isn't judgment or disapproval and I think I might be the only one who can give it to her.

"Hey, Luce. Can I ask you something?"

Her head perks up a little and she frowns. "Sure."

"Do you like owning this store?"

That frown deepens. "What do you mean?"

"It's not a very complicated question. You just need to answer honestly," I shrug nonchalantly and push the business plan toward her. "Do you like running your own business?"

Her dark eyes scan the small space with its Z-racks and tables filled with brands I know she picked out herself, with its neutral earth tones and hand-picked prints decorating the walls, and they mist over with regret. I think, in the beginning, she loved this place. Loved the freedom it must have represented to her. Time, care, and true effort were put into it at one point—the design of the store and the brands she carries are a testament to that. But owning a business requires actual business knowledge, marketing, and management and those are all skills I don't think she ever had. The hardest part for her now is admitting defeat, that maybe she was never really cut out to run a business in the first place. Maybe if she has some help, things could be different.

I give her everything I can—I smile supportively, reach out to squeeze her hand, and whisper: "It's okay, Luce."

She swallows hard, her eyes sullen and boring a hole into the carpet at our feet. I don't know how long we stand there, just holding hands and letting her take the time she needs. I'll stand here all day if I have to, even if it means missing out on my chance to meet my brother today because my sister needs me more.

Finally, her eyes lift up from the carpet and her soft, hoarse voice calls out to me. "I used to like it. I don't anymore."

I nod wistfully and shoot her a quick smile as I squeeze her hand again. "Why?"

Her eyes flit shut for just a moment and then they snap back open, sharper and more alert now. "I don't know."

"Don't you think you owe to yourself to figure that out? I mean, what's the point of doing something that makes you miserable? Trust me, I know."

All that time I wasted at my old accounting job...and I wish I could take it all back. But then again, I don't think I'd be where I am now. I would've never known that I had not one, but two older brothers. If I hadn't stumbled on those letters, I never would've known the truth. I probably never would've found the strength to see my relationship with the mayor for what it really was and I never would've broken away. I never would've met Jack...

All I know is that I still don't really know who I am, but I know who I'm definitely
not.

That's a victory in itself.

Lucy watches me carefully, almost as if she can read my thoughts, and then her eyes soften. "Maybe. I guess...I guess I just haven't really thought about it."

"I think you should."
Her lips part, but then seal shut again. Hesitation bleeds through her movements, stilted and stiff, and there's only one reason why she feels this way.

"Luce," I tell her firmly and squeeze her hand again just to prove my point. "Don't make any decisions just because you're worried about what he'll say or do."

Her lips part again, but this time, she hasn't have any issues forcing the words through. "But—"

"He doesn't get a say in your happiness, not if this is making you miserable and definitely not if you might want to do something else."

She huffs out a sigh and yanks her hand away from mine so she can drag both hands through her long, silky hair—the same hair I'd always wanted to kill for. "You're making it seem like it's no big deal. How am I supposed to tell Dad I'm just a big, fat failure?"

My sister's lips quiver and she quickly bites down on her bottom one to steady herself. I've never seen her this...unhinged. This honest. It looks good on her, even if a mirror might say otherwise.

"All I'm saying is that the money part of this doesn't matter as much as whether or not this makes you happy. If you want to get this store in shape, you could. But you have to
want
to do that. You have to want to look at the numbers and come up with a plan. I'll help you, Luce—you know I will. But I can't help you if you don't really want this. We're just wasting each other's time if you don't."

She's chewing on her bottom lip during my entire mini-speech and I can't tell if anything I'm saying is actually sinking in. At least I've finally said it. At least she's finally heard it. Whether or not she chooses to listen is on her.

By the time her chest starts heaving, my heart sinks right into the pit of my stomach. No matter what the outcome, I don't want to see her crumble. I don't want to see my sister shatter right onto the very floor causing all her pain. So I wrap my arms around her and hold her as tight as I can. That's the best I can do and all I have to give her.

"I don't know how to fix it," she murmurs, her voice barely above a whisper and I tighten my arms around her. "I just kept telling myself it would get better...it's so much harder than I thought it would be."