All or Nothing (43 page)

Meanwhile Beverly tapped James on the shoulder. “Discovering that you weren't his biological son was very difficult for Robert, seeing as you were the only one who had followed in his footsteps.”

“He didn't accommodate anyone but himself, Mom,” James said quietly. “You can't blame yourself for what he chose to do.”

“I know,” she admitted with a sigh and a smile.

“None of us can blame ourselves,” Matt said with resolve. “He made his own choices.”

Beverly smiled across the room at Zach. “Just as we have to make our own choices.” They all smiled at him then, seemingly approving of the changes he was trying to make in his life. Jen stood close beside him and he felt as if he really had finally come home.

Because he was in love.

He realized as much standing in his father's study, watching Jen smile, seeing his mother's cameo on Jen's finger. He probably should have realized as much sooner, because his feelings for Jen had been driving his actions pretty much since the day he'd met her, but introspection wasn't one of Zach's hobbies.

And in a way, it was more fun to be struck by lightning like this, to be standing on Christmas Day, surrounded by family, and abruptly realize that his heart was gone. It was in the keeping of one Jen Maitland, and she'd have it forevermore, whether she wanted it or not. Even more incredible, Zach knew that what he had done so far was only a tiny increment of what he would do to make Jen happy, or to coax her to love him. He stood there and looked at her, and yearned for her, and knew that everything in his life had led him to this moment.

Jen glanced up, maybe feeling his gaze on her, and met his gaze. Zach smiled a little and a twinkle lit in her dark eyes. She smiled a small smile that could have been a laser weapon, given its ability to dissolve his few inhibitions from any distance, and he hoped again that the electricity he felt was mutual.

One thing was for sure: he was going to find out.

“I love this room,” Beverly said with resolve. “It was always a depressing little hovel, even before Robert did what he did. I could just walk in here and get the blues, probably because it was so oppressively dark.”

“The French Deco look was your idea, Mom,” Matt acknowledged. “And it was a great one.”

“Thank you, dear. I'd toast you with a little digestif, but coffee will have to do, at least for me.”

“You're doing great, Mom,” James said, squeezing her shoulder.

“I've been forced to do well with all of you watching me like hawks,” Beverly said, but there was laughter in her voice. “It does get easier, although I would love that coffee.”

“I'm sure it's ready by now,” Leslie said, then led them all back to the dining room for dessert. When Jen would have followed, Zach snagged her hand. The others continued down the corridor to the kitchen, leaving the pair in the study that had been reclaimed by Matt.

* * *

“Do you need a moment alone here?” Jen asked, unable to read Zach's mood. He seemed quiet and thoughtful, which made her wonder what was in his thoughts. Was he troubled by his father's study, or by his brother's renovations?

“No. I need a moment with you,” he said, pulling her into his arms.

She went willingly, liking his embrace. He didn't seem as concerned as he had earlier. He smiled down at her and she wasn't sure what to think. “Are you okay?”

“Never better.” Zach took a deep breath and nestled her more tightly against him. “So, I've been wanting to know, are you the kind of warrior queen who has arcane magical powers?”

Jen smiled, unable to guess his point but knowing from his playful tone that he was teasing her. “Arcane magical powers like what?”

He shrugged. “Like spell casting or super voodoo.”

“Super voodoo?” Jen echoed skeptically. “That sounds like something you could pick up at the brain store. Who could be into super voodoo?”

“I think you're pretending ignorance to put me off the trail,” Zach said. “I think you want me to underestimate your awesome powers.”

“I don't have any awesome powers.”

“No? Then explain my family today.”

“I think they're nice...”

“My point exactly. Someone cast a spell on them, compelling them to act like nice, normal people when in reality, they're bonkers.”

Jen laughed. “I think you were putting me on about them. I think that they really are nice, normal people. Otherwise, it would be a really complicated trick.”

“See? They've got you fooled.”

When Jen laughed again, Zach bent and quickly kissed her. She caught her breath in surprise, then kissed him back.

When Zach lifted his head, he gave a low whistle. “Weapons grade Jockey annihilator,” he teased.

“Speak for yourself.”

He grinned wickedly. “I'll take that as a compliment.” He winked, then continued in a more serious tone before Jen could say anything. “I think they're changing, actually. Say what you will, warrior queen, but I think you're the catalyst responsible.”

“Be serious! I've only met your family today...”

“Then that's some potent magic you've got in your pocket.”

“I didn't...”

“I meant for me.” He was so serious that she looked up at him. He was watching her, marvel in his gaze, so intent the Jen's sucker heart skipped a whole bunch of beats. “I love you,” he said and she was shocked into silence.

Zach bent and slowly kissed her, stealing every thought out of her head with his own persuasive magic.

When he lifted his head, the intent in his gaze made her knees go weak. His words were husky, convincing Jen that she wasn't the only one left dizzy by their kiss. “You've got some other magic brewing too, warrior queen,” he said, tucking her hair behind her ear and kissing her temple.

“What do you mean?”

“I've never had an out of body experience before the other night, but I'm pretty sure I saw Pluto.”

“I think you were in your body when you were sharing it with me.”

Zach grinned. “Then maybe you were out of body with me.”

Jen frowned as if in thought, just to give him a hard time. “I did wonder if that was Pluto on the right, just before the second orgasm.”

“I wonder whether that's where it always is,” Zach mused.

Jen swallowed, feeling audacious and not really caring. “I suppose there's one way to find out,” she said slowly, watching Zach's smile broaden. “So, want to see about riding moonbeams?”

“Are you propositioning me, warrior queen? Or is this a command performance?”

“Does it matter?”

“No. I'm yours to command.” Zach laced his fingers through hers and led Jen back toward the kitchen. “How fast do you think we can eat dessert and get out of here?”

Jen felt again that sparkle of anticipation, the lightheartedness that she was coming to associate with Zach's presence, and she abandoned herself to the moment. “Not fast enough,” she said, laughing at Zach's rueful smile.

“You've got it in one, warrior queen. I'll give it forty-five minutes.”

“An extra orgasm if you manage it in thirty,” Jen dared him.

Zach slanted her a look. “You're on. You know, maybe you should look into motivational speaking as a career option,” he teased, and they strolled back to the kitchen together. “Because you're motivating me in a major way, and I don't even think you're really trying.”

“Yet,” Jen said and he laughed.

Jen felt radiant with happiness when they joined his family. She wasn't going to question anything or think too much about anything or allow doubt to ruin a wonderful day.

She was going to go with this and savor everything that resulted from it.

* * *

Zero. An abstract concept, a mathematical trick nicked from the Arabs—did they tell the authorities that nothing was taken?—the digit zero is worthless in itself but adds an order of magnitude to any other digit it joins. 1 becomes 10, 10 becomes 100, quantities gain in magnitude all because naught cozied up next door.

So, on the one hand, zero makes something from nothing.

On the other, zero is the bottom line. To be reduced to zero is to be annihilated. To have one's efforts come to naught is to fail, and to fail so spectacularly that there's no room to quibble. Zero visibility means none at all, zero zero means no visibility in either distance or height, which might ensure that your vehicle is reduced to, well, naught. Nothing left, nothing at all, nothing to lose are all expressions of absence. A null set includes no elements: it is said to be void. To be null is to be without value or consequence, to be devoid or empty of any quality that counts.

So to speak.

Yet, mathematically speaking—can we have a third hand?—zero is a whole number. (Or is that a hole number?) It's the cipher between positive and negative integers, between the positive end of the scale and the negative. Zero anchors the scale, it holds the balance, it makes the extremes possible if not palatable.

Is zero everything? Or is it nothing? Or it something in between? Is it exclusive or inclusive? The total or the null? Does the void encompass everything, or is it something beyond the sum?

If nothing else—ha ha—zero remains a cipher in another sense. After all, in the game of tennis, a score of zero is called ‘love'.

Is there a bigger mystery than love?

Is there a better reason to risk the whole shebang, the whole shooting match, the whole kit and caboodle? Is there anything other than love that leaves you empty with its loss, or fills you to bursting when it's reciprocal? Is there any better reason to bet all that you have, on the chance that you could win so much more, however slim that chance might be?

It must be, because we all do it, all the time. Maybe there's nothing else worth making that gamble. Maybe the best things, or the things most worth winning, demand the biggest potential sacrifice. Maybe the score only counts when you offer your all.

After all, nothing ventured means nothing gained.

All for one and one for all.

All or nothing.

* * *

The phone rang in Zach's apartment. Jen opened one eye, then snuggled deeper under the covers when she saw that Zach was still in bed with her.

“You should get it,” she said, cuddling up closer to him. She wasn't wearing anything other than the cameo ring and the air was chilly.

“No rest for the wicked,” he complained and she laughed.

“I've heard that. Is it yours?”

“Nothing like an audacious warrior queen in the morning,” Zach growled, then kissed her. He propped himself up on his elbow and smiled down at her, appreciation in his gaze. “In fact, nothing else can compare.” They kissed again and the room got much warmer.

The phone continued to ring. “Isn't it early for this?” Zach leaned over Jen to snag the receiver, not waiting for an answer. She closed her eyes, not intending to hurry out of bed anytime soon. She'd linger here and maybe they'd make love again.

“It's for you,” Zach said, rolling his eyes.

“For me?”

The dog barked in the living room and Zach rolled out of bed. “Coming, Roxie!” He picked his underwear off the floor, then pulled a T-shirt out of a drawer, dressing hastily.

To Jen's surprise, Cin was on the phone.

“Oh my God, Jen, I just had to tell you. I'm sorry to call and interrupt but if you've been at it all night, then you need a break anyway...”

“Or maybe some sleep,” Jen interjected.

“I'll be back,” Zach mouthed from the doorway and Jen nodded.

Cin's laughter bubbled down the phone line. “Well, I had to tell you and if I hadn't called, you'd want to kill me for not calling—”

“That's hard to believe.”

“But I phoned Mom and she said you were here and so I had to call and tell you...”

“You haven't told me anything yet.”

Cin squealed. “Ian, Ian, oh my God, Ian, you won't believe what he did.”

Given Cin's predictions of doom on Christmas Eve, Jen decided not to guess. “I probably won't, but tell me anyway.”

“Oh, is this a bad time?” Cin asked, in a sudden and uncharacteristic attack of consideration.

“It might have been, but that's okay.”

“Well, I think this is worth an interruption. Jen made no comments about getting even by returning the favor one day. “Remember how Ian was working so much?”

“I recall you mentioning something about it.” Jen found her blouse and pulled it on, wrapping it around herself.

“Well, he was trying to make extra money and he did, and he bought plane tickets and you'll never guess where we're going.”

“We? As in both of you?”

“He's taking me to New York!” Cin screamed into the phone, almost delirious in her joy. Jen held the receiver away from her ear. “We're going to Tiffany to get an engagement ring, because he said that was obviously what I wanted. It'll probably be a small ring, but I don't care. We're going to New York and we're going today and we're going to take a carriage ride in Central Park and Jen, isn't it the most romantic thing you ever heard? Can you believe it?”

Jen believed it. She'd known for a long time that Ian was crazy about her sister. He didn't say much, but he put up with Cin with such good humor, and teased her out of her moods, and spoiled her shamelessly.

“I think that's wonderful,” Jen said and meant it.

Cin gushed on. “He got down on one knee last night and proposed, and he had roses and he had the plane tickets and he said he loved me and I just couldn't believe it. I mean, I felt so awful for doubting him, and you know, I'm just going to have to love him more than anything, and love him forever to make up for that.”

Jen smiled. “I guess you will. But, um, didn't you already love him more than anything?”