All That the Heart Desires (39 page)

“No, I’m fine.”

I ran out of the room and locked myself into my room.

Although I was initially afraid of how I would manage to spend the weekend with a little boy I once thought was my own stolen son, it turned out to be a pleasant two days.

As forecasted, there was torrential rain for the weekend. There was no other option but to stay indoors and entertain each other. In the beginning I tried to stay away from Lorcan and Daniel, but they were constantly seeking me out. Finally I became tired of hiding.

From my first visit to the Crest mansion, the library of Ursula Crest was a forbidden place for me. I avoided it like the plague. Her words: ‘Promise me, she will not be invited anymore.’ were still ringing in my ears.

When they found me in Daniel’s grandfather’s library, I realised there was nowhere left to hide. I gave up and joined them. In the afternoon, Lorcan left and returned to his room because his leg was still in pain. I was left alone with little Daniel.

I had a hard time stopping myself from interrogating the little boy about his life, but somehow I managed. I had been convinced that he would leave me alone soon, as I was not particularly good company, or because he wanted to play some computer games; however, he surprised me by taking a book from the library and sitting beside me on the sofa.

I put down my own book when he presented me with his choice of reading. My heart stopped beating when he asked me to read it for him. I took it slowly from his hands and checked the cover. It was
One Thousand and One Arabian Nights
, the book I had loved as a child and that had been frequently read to me by Harry. My own childhood emerged from my memory.

After a few moments, I opened the book and looked at Daniel.

“Are you sure you want me to read this book to you?”

He nodded very seriously.

“Yes,” he said.

“Why?” I asked.

“My father is dead and my mum.” he started but then he stopped. He moved his eyes from my face and spoke very quietly.

“If you don’t want to, you don’t need to.”

He tried to take it away from me, but I was so shocked by his words that I clung onto the book very tightly.

“No! I will read it to you.”

His face finally lit up and he stopped pulling the book out of my hands. He waited in silence. I opened the book slowly and with every page I turned, I savoured the memories I had. It was the same edition Harry and I had in our house when we left England. So many years had passed since I’d visited it last. I started to wonder if it was not time to do so again, on my own.

His hand on mine reminded me I could not and should not be lost in my memories. Slowly, I opened the first chapter and started to read. The words of the story were coming back to me. They were like stars, hidden behind the clouds, always there, but not always apparent.

Somehow, without me noticing, Daniel managed to squeeze under my arm and lean against me, looking at the words as I read the book. When the first chapter was over, he asked me for one more. After that, he asked again. I couldn’t refuse him.

Suddenly I felt his hand on my cheek. He was wiping my face.

“You’re crying. Why?”

The words were caught in my throat. I didn’t know what to say to him. It would be unfair to tell him what was tearing my heart apart.

“I.” I started, but was cut off by Lorcan.

“She just loves the stories so much.”

I nodded.

“I remembered my brother had read this book to me when I was your age,” I told him.

He was looking from me to Lorcan.

“Did anyone read this book to you?” Daniel asked him. We both looked at him in anticipation. I really wondered if he had been a bookworm when he was a child, or whether he hated books.

“Yes they did. My grandmother.”

I was surprised. Somehow I couldn’t imagine him sitting still and patiently waiting for someone to read to him. Daniel was satisfied with his answer, but Lorcan saw suspicion in my eyes.

“I still love reading,” he said to me. “It’s just something the media doesn’t know.”

“Like you’re ambidextrous?” I remembered our first crazy love making. He was staring at me and something changed in his eyes. They became darker.

“Yes,” he answered. No one said anything for a while.

A knock on the door brought us back to the present. Lorcan answered and Tom entered. He informed us that dinner was ready and that it would soon be time for Daniel to go to bed.

I put the book down and Daniel offered me his hand. I took it and then he offered his other hand to Lorcan, but seeing him with his crutches, he quickly changed his mind. I had a really hard time coping, seeing that small hand in mine. All that had been taken from me was now offered to me again by this little boy. I knew I had tears in my eyes and swallowed back my sadness and grief, not wanting to show this bright child my sorrow; it would be unfair.

Like every little child, Daniel tried to postpone his bedtime. After dinner he found so many things he needed to do before going to his room. It was only when Lorcan threatened to call his aunt that Daniel gave in.

“Will you take me to my room?” he asked me with his pleading green eyes. I nodded in silence.

“I’ll join you,” Lorcan said, but Daniel refused him, telling him he would be unable to go upstairs.

“Will you come back down?” Lorcan asked me, and I nodded. When Daniel had let go of my hand and vanished down the hall in the direction of the library, Lorcan dismissed Tom as he wouldn’t be needing him for the rest of the evening. The strange look on my face only made Lorcan laugh again.

“I’ll do it myself,” he said when Tom took his leave and Daniel came back running, with the book under his arm.

“Will you read to me?” he asked, and I agreed to just once more. Slowly, he led me to the second floor and I saw Lorcan going to the library.

Getting Daniel ready for bed was difficult for me because it gave me an insight into how my life could have been. But I managed to hide my sadness. I asked him where Andrew was, but was told simply that he had stayed at the boarding school. I didn’t press him further on the subject.

Getting him out of the shower and into his pyjamas, I realised I was finally allowed to experience what motherhood might have been like before it was cruelly taken away from me.

Clean, and in his pyjamas, he climbed into his bed and moved over to one side to allow me to sit beside him. I covered him with the blanket and once again he crawled under my arm and looked at the pages as I read them. He was a careful listener and if there was anything he didn’t understand he asked me.

Two chapters later I found him sound asleep. I put the book slowly down and gently moved him back onto the pillow.

I covered him with his duvet and got off the bed. He was sleeping peacefully, but I had a really hard time leaving him. Hearing a sound, I turned around and found Tom outside the door.

“He will sleep through the night,” he told me. “There will be no interruptions.”

I waved my hand.

“Even if there are, it’s no problem at all.”

“You don’t need to worry about it,” he said and went to close the door.

I smiled.

“You’re too late. He has found his way into my heart.”

Seeing Tom smiling, I didn’t know how to react.

“He does that, doesn’t he?” he said. I nodded. Without anything left to say, we left the upper floor and when I began to make my way downstairs, he told me that Lorcan was already in his room and in bed.

I didn’t want to interrogate the poor man further, so I just wished him good night and he left. Standing in the middle of the hallway, I tried to decide what to do. When the house was silent I knew what I wanted to do, but was unable to move. Finally, I realised I had no other choice if I didn’t want to sleep on the floor.

Going into Lorcan’s room, I saw that he was waiting for me, already tucked up in bed. He pulled back the silk bedding, and invited me in. I sighed and went into the bathroom, finding all my toiletries already there. I was about to protest, when I realised it was no use.

After my shower, I came back and he was still there, waiting. It was very inviting. Tempting as it was, I knew I should not give in. He was still in pain and, knowing the hunger inside both of us, it would be unwise to even try. We would do more damage than good, although it would be good.

Not joining him right away, he asked me where I was going as I made my way to the door. He stared as I opened the door wide.

“Daniel is alone upstairs. I don’t want him to wake or call for someone and no one hears him… .”

Slowly, I joined him on the bed and he took me into his arms, kissing my forehead.

“You really should have been a mother.” he quietly said, but I interrupted him.

“I am a mother. Just childless.”

The following day was Sunday and in the evening we were alone. Daniel left us with a promise he would try to visit again before we left. In the morning I read a new chapter to him while Lorcan was with his physiotherapist. In the afternoon we all watched the Singapore Grand Prix. Daniel was like the both of us, totally hooked. I could understand that, he was after all, raised eating, breathing and sleeping car racing.

I watched Lorcan more than I watched the race. It was written on his face how much he wanted to be there. It was one of the special races as it was happening in the evening. Although the racetrack was lit up, it was different to actual daylight, and that gave the race a charm that no other race had.

Unexpectedly, Lorcan watched the race without comment, apart from disagreeing with some of the decisions the stewards made. I didn’t want to provoke him, although I had a desire to know more about what he was thinking. In the end I saw it gave him too much pain not to be there and I didn’t want to rub any more salt into that wound.

Soon after the race, Daniel left. I wanted to read him one more chapter but was surprised when he refused. I asked him why.

“So I know I will see you again.”

It was pouring with rain outside for the following few days and the house felt like a prison. Well, when Lorcan saw my restlessness, he almost threw me out of the house. He knew I was staying in just because of him. But he also knew that he had his exercises to do, while I was just sitting there waiting for him.