All That the Heart Desires (43 page)

“Yes! We did it!”

Men were waiting to join him and there was hugging and laughter and congratulations all over the place. Even his rivals came and congratulated him. Then he was ushered away.

We were all waiting in anticipation as to when we would see him on the podium. It felt like an eternity, but eventually the awards ceremony took place. Lorcan held his trophy in his hands along with the knowledge that he had achieved the impossible.

The champagne was opened and Ron Wilde and Batista Almeida showered Lorcan with it. It was a custom that was rarely missed.

Finally the presenter appeared. The short press conference was held there on the podium.

As a winner, Lorcan was questioned first. The interviewer began by praising the thrilling moments and the great season he had given us all. No one had expected that at the beginning of the season something like this would happen. It was Lorcan’s sixth season in Formula 1 and he’d won them all. It was something unrepeatable, a fairy-tale come true.

He smiled and told her that without such a good team working with his car, he wouldn’t have been able to do all that. But before she was able to ask him a new question he stopped her and directed her to Ron and Batista who were sitting on the podium and waiting for their round of questions.

I was a little surprised that she immediately obeyed him. I felt Lorcan’s eyes on me. I looked up and he was miming a square with his hands. At first I didn’t know what he was referring to, but then I raised my hand with the package. He nodded and the interviews were over.

The presenter had almost finished the celebrations when Lorcan turned around and stepped over to her. She looked at him in surprise, but finally she let him speak.

He took the microphone from her hands and came closer to the fence.

“You can open it now,” he said.

I knew I must have blushed as everyone looked straight at me. My hands started to shake and finally I managed to tear the paper off the package to reveal a small wooden box. Without speaking, Bobby took the paper from me and with effort I managed to open it. The lid opened and everyone around me expected … God knows what. I didn’t know what to expect. But under the lid there was a small letter.

With a question in my eyes, I raised my head and looked at him. He nodded. Crest took the box from my hands and I stood there with this very small letter in my hands. At that point I realised my shaking hands were going to have a hard time opening the letter but then I found it was not sealed, only folded over.

I opened it and on the front of the small card was written in his handwriting:

‘I’m leaving F1.’

I couldn’t believe it. I must have become pale, but managed to look in his direction again. He was nowhere to be seen. He was not on the podium anymore. For an instant my eyes met Daniel’s and he nodded. It was unbelievable. He couldn’t drop that kind of bombshell on me and just disappear.

Suddenly I heard his voice behind me.

“Turn the card around,” he demanded.

“Are you insane?” I asked him.

“Turn it around.”

I did as I was asked and on the other side of the card was written:

‘You’re the missing half of me. Will you stay with me forever?’

Before I could answer, he kissed me deeply in front of all the people around us. Just for a moment I heard the team cheering, but then everything was gone, except for Lorcan. He was right. He was the missing half of me.

We were away for full month. It was just the two of us. We were left alone although Lorcan knew he would have to answer many unanswered questions.

Somehow we managed to hide from the press and paparazzi. No one knew where we were, except for the Crests and Harry. We were in touch with them and that was all. We hid on an island somewhere in the Indian Ocean area and it didn’t matter at all.

I was with him and he was with me and. The nightmares stopped. As quickly as they’d come, they were gone. Anne-Marie and Harry were right. The ghosts that had been chasing me disappeared with the promising future that now lay ahead.

At first Lorcan didn’t want to explain his decision for leaving Formula 1, but I was persistent and finally he told me his reasons. My fear was that me not following him to Abu Dhabi and Atlanta had been the main reason he’d decided to leave. I didn’t want to be the reason. Formula 1 was in his veins and I didn’t want to change him. I loved him the way he was and if that meant I would have to share him with the season then I would.

Lorcan reassured me the reason he was going to quit was the fact that he had achieved almost the impossible. Six seasons in the ‘circus’ gave him six championship titles in a row. No one had beaten him. And if he quit now, no one would.

He decided he wouldn’t be an active racing driver anymore. He’d made a deal with Crest to be his test driver for all the innovations on new cars every year. He wanted to be part of research and development.

“What about the thrill of racing?” I asked him. He looked at me and said simply,

“I’m not done yet. I know you’re not completely mine. I share you with your great loss.”

I wanted to argue, but he sealed my lips with an almost endless kiss. This way he knew the thoughts in my head were wiped out altogether.

It was the beginning of December when we went back to Europe. In Monaco, Lorcan needed to attend the awards ceremony for the Formula 1 Championship and there was no chance for me to stay home.

Harry sent new outfits from the House of Dame’s latest ladies collection and Anne-Marie managed to drag me into a beauty salon for a full treatment.

The house was empty when I returned. I actually sighed with relief thinking that Lorcan had grown tired of waiting and left, but as with so many times before … I was wrong about him. Although I argued with Anne-Marie and didn’t want to get dressed, the sound of his car brought a smile to her face.

As I couldn’t decide what to wear, she took out the black and white, long and sparkling dress and demanded that I got dressed immediately. It was not yet late but getting back to Monaco by car, it would take a miracle to get us there on time. When she zipped me up, she left my bedroom with instructions that I was to follow her out in five minutes and no more.

Finding the matching shoes in the boxes that lay on the floor, I put them on and sighed. I was as ready as I could be.

Coming downstairs and seeing him, I was not quite sure who was first to hold their breath. He was looking as dreamy as the day we first met. At the same time, I remembered the scene from the Grand Corniche where I actually almost forgot to breathe after I’d realised who was standing in front of me. We looked at each other.

“Breathe!” said Anne-Marie.

“Go,” she said and opened the front door. “I’ll lock up after you.”

Lorcan escorted me to the car and after waving goodbye to Anne-Marie we were on our way to the Principality.

Not only the next day, but for the next few weeks the newspapers and television news were full of Lorcan Shore’s story. He explained his reasons for leaving active racing during the ceremony in order to avoid further interrogation from the press. He conducted himself well, but not everyone was happy about it.

The next story they blew up was that my finger was missing a ring. So many different reasons they found that in the end, I stopped being annoyed as pictures of my ‘naked’ hand appeared in the papers so many times it was actually ridiculous.

As Christmas was approaching, and with it also the end of the year, Lorcan told me that for this year at least we were obliged to visit the Crest mansion and stay there for the holidays. It was a tradition and he didn’t want to change it immediately. I was not sure what to do as I still remembered the words from Ursula Crest to her husband.

“
Promise me, she will not be invited here anymore
.”

I was not ready to accept the invitation. Then Harry rang to tell us he was leaving for England again and that he would meet us at the Crest estate. So, the following day we were off to England again.

Although Lorcan wanted to go by jet, I declined the possibility.

“I can drive, you don’t have to,” I teased him. He realised soon I would have it my way or I would stay in Nice. He stopped insisting.

Seeing the White Cliffs of Dover was something I could never get tired of. The end of December made the Channel more restless than usual and the ferry was rockier than we had expected. Despite this, I stood out on the deck as it was not raining, nor was it too windy. But it was cold, freezing cold.

Standing on the ferry deck, I knew there was one more thing waiting for me in England that I still needed to do. I hadn’t visited my parents’ grave for several years and it was about time I did. I needed to tell them I’d failed to find their grandson and … before I realised, Lorcan was wiping the tears off my face.

“What’s wrong?” he whispered. I didn’t answer. I turned around and went back in to buy myself another packet of cigarettes. I saw Lorcan’s surprised look, but he didn’t ask me any questions. He followed me back outside and stood by me in silence while I smoked that one cigarette.

After I put the cigarette out, he turned me around to face him. He was watching me closely and when he hugged me, all I heard were his reassuring words.

“Everything will be all right. I promise.”

It was the day after Christmas and I was standing in front of a marble tombstone and reading the inscription in silence. Anne and Henry Dame both died in 1993. My parents. Coming back to the village near Rochester was not something I had planned to do so soon, but I had nowhere else to go. I needed to sort my thoughts and I needed peace to do it. Like Harry had told me, he’d finally managed to chase his ghosts away by visiting our parents’ grave, and I hoped for the same.

Suddenly all the strength left my body and I collapsed on the grass. The events that made me visit my parents’ last resting place had happened a few hours ago. I was completely confused by them and so I had done what I knew best. I had run, and found myself in my home village.

Christmas Eve had been wonderful and I felt welcomed by everyone, even by Ursula Crest. The house had not been as full as I expected, but actually nothing was. Seeing Anne-Marie there with my brother was probably the biggest surprise … or so I’d thought at the time. Their hands had been joined together when we entered the mansion and that told me everything and at that point no one was happier than me, except for them of course.