Almost Broken (3 page)

It’s just a smiley face, but it makes me grin. I look up and see Lauren has finished putting Caylen
in her seat. She walks around the car, and her big hazel eyes look directly into mine. I can see the tears in her eyes, and I start to ask her what’s wrong but something stops me. I load the stroller into the trunk. When I close the trunk, I see that Lauren has gotten into the back seat. I let out a deep breath. I don’t know what just happened, but whatever it was, it’s affected her worse than the lie I told her. I get into the driver’s seat, and she hands me the car keys, her eyes stay on her lap.

“Is everything okay?” I ask, looking at her in the rearview mirror.

She nods. “Caylen might wake up. I’ll sit back her in case she does,” she says quietly her eyes don’t look up once.

“Okay,” I say and start the car.

Not okay! You’re a fucking idiot.

This time, I know it’s not just a thought. My text alert goes off again. I glance back at Lauren whose eyes are closed, her head resting against the window. It’s Jenna’s ringtone. Is that what’s bothering her? It’s a snippet of Jenna’s favorite song…
a love song
. I put my phone on vibrate and let out a deep breath. This is going to be a long day.

I
knew it was her. Before I even heard the lovey dovey ringtone I could tell by the look on his face. How whatever was bothering him melted off the moment he heard from
her.
It wouldn’t have been that bad if he didn’t look so happy. If he didn’t have that smile I used to see when Cal looked at me. I haven’t seen that smile in
years
, and he gives it to her over a stupid text message. She can’t even see it. I’m not mad. Really, I’m not. I’m not even irritated.

How could he so blatantly flaunt that he loves her in front of me? I told him I’d try to deal with this but stuff like that happening is not a part of the agreement. Ugh! I know I’m being completely ridiculous but I can’t help it. I don’t even want to be near him right now. That’s how I ended up in the back seat of my own car. I didn’t feel like such an idiot until Chris looked at me like I was a
wierdo. But I don’t care, it’s better this way. If he was Cal, I’d have hit him already.

I thought I’d out grown this. I feel like the past two years haven’t happened and my emotions have taken control from my common sense
again.
This is too much. This is all going to be too much. I see it now, and I’m supposed to spend the entire day with him and his family. What if
she
shows up? I didn’t even think to ask him about her. What if she comes to dinner? I won’t be able to do it. I won’t be able to handle him brushing up against her, her running her hands through his hair. It makes me want to throw up just thinking about it. What the hell was I thinking?

I hear Caylen
yawn and move around in her car seat, and I’m reminded why I’m here and why I have to do this. Why I can’t throw temper tantrums and fold my arms and pout. I take her little hand in mine and sigh. I catch Chris watching me through the rearview mirror. He quickly looks away when he sees he’s been caught. Maybe he wasn’t looking at me. He does need to look at the mirror to drive, but since there are virtually no cars on this road, I guess it’s safe to assume he was looking at me.

He doesn’t know me. I’ve come to
that
realization. I’m just some woman who he happens to have a kid by. Nothing else. He doesn’t remember a
single
thing about me. He doesn’t feel anything towards me. While we were at the zoo, for a while, I stopped thinking about the situation we’re in. It was just us, being. It was nice.
He’s
nice, he’s funny, and fun to be around. I could imagine things being easy with him. Jenna got
easy.
I got complicated, arrogant, selfish and secretive. It’s not hard to be with someone that’s easy. They probably never fight or argue. Chris doesn’t seem like the type. It’s not hard to love someone like that. He didn’t disappear on her for days at a time; he didn’t use sex to screw with her head. She didn’t have to deal with mood swings, condescending attitudes, or go through an entire pregnancy alone

But
she
still gets the smile.

She gets the easy part. Things will never ever be easy with me and Chris our—well, my and Cal’s—history will never let us have what they have.

I sigh and try to focus on everything—
anything
but the situation at hand. I start to pay attention to how he drives, using his turn signal when switching lanes, even when no one is behind us, and staying within the speed limit. When we get to the point of him having Caylen
without me, at least I won’t have to worry about his driving. My stomach tightens up. Eventually it will be Chris and
Caylen. No, not Chris and Caylen
. That’s wrong. It will be Chris, Jenna, and
Caylen.

No Cal.

No me.

We finally pull in front of the Scott’s, and he turns the car off.

“I think I might skip dinner?” The words escape my mouth before my brain can filter them. I look over at Chris and expect him to look relieved, but he doesn’t. I think he looks disappointed, but that can’t be. Why want a woman who’s a problem around? He’s seen Caylen they’ve had a nice time. You’d think he’d be glad that I want to go.

“I’m just really tired,” I explain. Well not tired. More like emotionally exhausted. It’s a lot harder than I thought it’d be, pretending to be indifferent and not in love with a person sitting a few inches from you and even harder when you see firsthand they love someone else. He pauses a minute then turns back towards me, his arm resting on the other side of the car’s headrest.

“You’ll have to be the one to tell my mom you’re cutting the visit short with the granddaughter she’s probably been anxiously awaiting since we left,” he says with a tilt of his head and a smile that makes me not want to be in the back seat anymore. Well it does, but under entirely different circumstances. I swallow the lump in my throat and shake away the thoughts starting to surface in my mind.

“I’m sure she’ll understand, right?” I haven’t known this woman long but I think I already know the answer to that. He displays a mischievous grin and takes out his phone and hands it back to me.

“Hey honey,” her voice says through the phone.

“Hi Mrs. Scott. It’s Lauren,” I glance over at Chris who’s grinning.

“Oh, Lauren, is everything okay?” she asks, her tone going from worried to cheerful.

“Yes, Chris is right here. We’re outside actually,” I confirm.

“Oh great! Will finished the dollhouse, and I’ve started dinner. Do you like Lasagna? If not, I can throw on something else,” she says excitedly.

“I was actually going to. I—I…” And I chicken out.

“Lasagna’s my favorite.” I sigh and swat Chris’ arm as he laughs at me. Chris gestures for me to give him the phone. He takes it, and just like that, my tension is gone.

“Mom, could you come and get Caylen?” he asks, and I guess she obliges because he comes out quickly. I notice her expression when she sees me sitting in the back seat, but she recovers quickly and greets us.

“You tired the little angel out?” She laughs.

“We had a ton of fun,” Chris says as he gets out of the car. I do the same.

“This is a beautiful car.”

“Thanks,” I say, wrapping my arms around myself as I walk behind them.

“We’re going to head this way,” Chris says, gesturing toward the back of the house. I look back at Mrs. Scott holding Caylen. She gives me an assuring nod. I let out a deep breath and change directions. I see he’s headed to the yard where I saw the horses outside of their window earlier. I wonder if his mom said something to him. When we reach the gate surrounding it, he stops and leans on it. I do the same. The horses are beautiful. One’s a toffee color with a white stripe down its back and the other a beautiful chocolate.

“That’s Butterfinger and Reese’s pieces,” he says, gesturing to each. I look at him to see if he’s joking, and he laughs.

“Seriously?” I ask.

“My parents let me name them, and when I was a kid, I was obsessed with candy.” He takes something out of his pocket. He extends his hand to me and reveals two bite sized bags of M&M’s. I laugh.

“When you were a kid, huh?” I say after popping a few in my mouth. He grins at me before pouring the whole bag in his own.

“I used to ride,” I say, leaning more of my weight on the gate. He turns around and leans his back on the gate so he’s facing me.

“Really?” he asks in a disbelieving tone.

“Yeah,” I say, finishing my bag of candy.

“Is that so hard to believe?” I ask him jokingly, and he shrugs.

“No, not at all,” he says, covering up his surprise, and I frown at him.

“Hey, I look about as shocked as you did when I told you I play the guitar.” It’s just surprising Cal did something that could easily get him laid and not use it to his advantage. I want to tell him that but it may be a little inappropriate at the moment.

There’s a breeze, but the sun is warm. I close my eyes and enjoy the small moment where I don’t feel suffocated by anxiety. At this second things are just easy.

“Do you want to go for a ride?” he asks.

My eyes snap open. “Now?” I ask a little surprised.

“Yeah. That is, if you’ve really know how,” he says teasingly.

“That sounds a little like a dare.” I fold my arms across my chest and he shrugs a little.

“Not a dare. More like an invitation,” he says, his eyes narrowing in on mine and my heart speeds up.
Is he flirting with me?
No that can’t be. If this was Cal, it’d definitely be flirting, but it’s not him so I can’t read into this too much. He’s being
friendly.
Just because he’s being nice to me doesn’t mean he’s flirting. I just want him to be flirting with me, which is why I need to get back in that house where I’m not alone with him before I do something that’s going to make this really awkward for the rest of the day.

“Does this invitation have an expiration date?” I ask, my eyes meeting his briefly. He smiles and shakes his head.

“Not at all,” he says, folding his arms across his chest and closing the distance between us. Not so much where I feel like he’s invading my space, but enough where my heart catches in my throat. I let out a deep breath because it’s taking everything in me to keep my hormones and emotions all tied up in a neat little package.

“I’ll take you up on it when I haven’t been walking around the zoo all day,” I say lightly and I turn away from him to walk back towards the house.

“Uhm, about earlier,” he says, quickening his pace to walk beside me. He’s walked next me like this all day, but now it’s causing my skin to tingle and feel hot even though it’s cool and damp from the rain.

“Yeah?” I ask, keeping my eyes on the wet grass that’s being crushed under our feet.

“I didn’t. When you asked me if I remembered anything…”

My heart almost stops and so do I, right in my tracks. I turn to face him and look up at him, hoping my expression isn’t showing how I feel inside. I look into his eyes. They avoid mine for a few seconds, then he looks into them briefly.

“I do want to remember,” he says quietly. I feel like he has more to say but I wish he wouldn’t because this, what he just said, is enough to get me through the rest of the day.

“I want you to remember,” I say with way too much enthusiasm and a smile so wide I have to bite my cheeks to contain it. I see him look down nervously.

Okay, dial it down a bit.

“I mean, I want you to because if you start to remember that’s a good thing. Right?” I say, trying to turn this around from being about us or about me.

“After Cal left,” he says, pushing his hands deep into his pockets, “what made you not…You didn’t I—you…” he trails, and I let out a deep breath.

“Get a divorce?” I say, trying to help him along and he nods. I try to think of the best thing to say. The thing that will make him the least uncomfortable, that would make this the least awkward, but I don’t know how to say it in any way that won’t. I always tried to hide my feelings from Cal, even before things started to go wrong. When we first met, I didn’t want him to know how much I liked him. I didn’t want him to know I was starting to fall for him because I thought it would scare him away. It’s ridiculous now because he knew everything before I did, even about myself. With Chris, I’ll take a different route. Complete honesty. Well, when he asks for it.

“Because I loved him, and I still had hope.” My eyes don’t leave his chest. I’m afraid to look in his eyes. I don’t want to see what’s there, but I wish he didn’t have on that big khaki coat he’s wearing. I want to see if his chest is heaving, to know if his heart is beating as fast as mine is right now.

He’s shifting his weight around. I glance up at him and see his eyes on the ground, a chill passes through the air and one creeps down my spine as I wait for him to respond.

To say anything.

I hear him let out a breath a long one and he runs his hand through his hair. “And now?” he asks quietly, and I close my eyes and think carefully of how to answer him. I raise my gaze to meet his, and as soon as I see his eyes, even though they’re not the grey I’m used to, I love them just the same. I look up to the sky and feel myself biting my lip. Ugh. The truth. I want to tell the truth, but the truth could really complicate things between us and cloud the reason I should be here.

Caylen.

“You don’t have to answer that,” he says quietly. There’s warmness to his voice, and when I’m brave enough look at him, he’s wearing a sympathetic smile, one that is worse than if he was scowling at me.

He feels sorry for me.
Great. That’s just great.

We head into the house, and Chris immediately heads to the kitchen. He has the appetite of a teenage boy. I don’t remember Cal ever eating as much as Chris has the past few hours. Not only did he eat two Sandwiches, three snickers, and an ice cream, he bought a container of popcorn and he ate half before he decided to save it for later. I wonder if the six-pack Cal had has morphed into a keg under that big khaki jacket.