Always Been Mine (23 page)

Matty came home late that night. It was unexpected, and I couldn’t hide my relief when he walked through the door. I ran to him, practically jumping in his arms, grateful when he picked me up, laughing. Forgetting to ask about his day, or find out how Ian and Ellie were doing, I threw my arms around his neck and pulled him down for a suggestive kiss that promised there was a lot more coming. “Welcome home!” I gasped, breaking away from his mouth.

He carried me to the bedroom, leaving every light blazing and the eleven o’clock news anchor talking to the empty living room. The mattress dipped under our combined weight as he lowered me to the bed, standing only to peel off his jacket and shirt, kicking his boots to the wall. I leaned up on my elbows, watching as he unbuttoned his jeans and slid them over his hips. He was so beautiful it hurt to look at him, and I bit my lip to keep from sounding like a blubbering idiot and telling him exactly what I thought of his body.

He smiled down, seeing my expression. “Jesus, Joes, if this is how you’re going to welcome me home every time I go away, I’m gonna go away more often.” His sexy, lopsided grin appeared as he crawled up the bed toward me, parting my legs with his knee. “But, just so you know,” he kissed my knee, “I missed you all fucking day.” His tongue made a wet trail up my thigh, making me shiver, “I’m never,” his teeth bit into my hip, and I groaned, “ever,” he  looked up, locking his eyes onto mine, “leaving you,” his tongue danced over the soft of my belly, circling my belly button, and I arched, “ever again.”

“Matty, please” I begged, my voice barely audible. I needed him to touch me, to make all my worries go away. He raked his teeth over his bottom lip, the simple action causing every ounce of my flesh to catch fire, and braced his arms next to my shoulders, looking down at me.

“Get used to begging, beautiful,” he growled. “I spent the last three hours thinking about those sweet sounds you make and I plan to spend just as many hearing you make them.” He lowered himself slowly, aligning his body with mine. 

**********

I woke up to a cold bed. Sitting up, I searched for my phone, trying to figure out what time it was. Then, I remembered it was out on the coffee table. I’d forgotten it last night when I’d heard Matty’s bike in the driveway.

I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and grabbed a tee shirt to cover my nakedness before I went in search for my own personal heater, hoping that I could find some way to lure him back to bed. I smelled coffee, but the kitchen was empty. Maybe he was in the shower? Pausing outside the bathroom door, I heard the shuffle of papers on the sun porch.

I turned the corner, smiling at him as he sat in the middle of the floor, paperwork scattered around him, the early morning sun giving his bare chest a bronze glow. He was scowling at whatever he was reading, obviously engrossed. I leaned my cheek against the door frame, content to watch him. His eyes glanced up and he looked away before doing a double take and snapping his baby blues back to mine.

He tried to cover his surprise as he hastily gathered up the papers, a move obviously aimed at keeping whatever it was from me.

“Morning.” I watched him reach out, grabbing mindlessly, not caring if he kept the piles organized. “What’s all this?” I wasn’t sure I wanted to know, but my curiosity got the better of me.

He shook his head. “Nothing.” I took a step into the room before I realized that he was shoving everything back into a familiar manila envelope. He looked up, offering me a small smile that didn’t reach his eye. “Morning, babe! I didn’t think you’d be up yet.”

Obviously. “Matty, I…” I trailed off, not sure what to say, how to tell him.

He shook his head again. “It’s nothing, Jo.” His voice was hard. He moved himself from the floor to the chair, never making eye contact, and sighed. “I talked to Tay yesterday, told her I wanted her to come get her shit out of my garage so we’d have a place to park.” I laughed. His head snapped to me, and he waited for an explanation.

I grinned. “She was here yesterday. Said that you kept calling her, and that she assumed it was for another booty call.” I laughed again. “I could have gotten her stuff out for her.”

He rolled his eyes. “She… she’s something else. She told me she had left some things and asked me to pack those as well, said she’d be here first thing this morning. I want her gone, completely, so I started gathering the leftovers. Then I found this.” He picked up the envelope. “It was an interesting read, to say the least.” He looked at me then, pain evident in the way he held his body. “It’s a…”

“I know what it is, Matty.” His brows knitted together as he silently questioned me. “It isn’t Taylor’s.” The color slowly drained from his face, but he didn’t say a word. His whole body was erect, stiff. I moved into the room and sat across from him. Taking a deep breath, I explained, “I don’t know what it says, but Will had it made before I moved in. I was going to tell you, but didn’t want to start a fight.”

His jaw clenched and he took several deep breaths, eyes never leaving mine. “Didn’t want to start a fight?” He nodded angrily. “Your husband somehow manages to dig up records from my childhood that are sealed, and you don’t tell me because you don’t want to start a fight?”

I opened my mouth to respond, but nothing came out. I shook my head at him and I could feel my eyes wide. “I didn’t know what was in it!”

“I’m not your fucking husband, Jo! You and me, we argue—always have. You have no problem telling me exactly what you think of me, even when I’m being a prick and I tell you to buck up and stop being a bitch.” His nostrils flared. “We don’t keep shit from each other because we’re afraid of a fucking fight.”

He pushed himself off the chair and stalked around the room. “What else haven’t you told me? Oh, no, don’t you give me that fucking deer-in-the-headlights look! You aren’t telling me something!” He pointed at me. “I won’t do this, not with you. We don’t have secrets, and we’re not gonna start now. What else?”

He spun around at the door, glaring at me. “Nothing? Fine. I’ve got my own list I’ve been carrying around. I’ll start.” He was yelling, and I forced myself not to jump at his words. “Why didn’t you call me when you saw Will at the hotel? And why in the fuck did you stop me?”

My mouth fell open. “Because I don’t need you to save me! I told you, I had it under control.”

His eyes narrowed. “Don’t need me to save you? No, ‘cause you can do it all on your own, can’t you? How about the fact that he’d already had his hands all over you once, that you almost slept with him even though you didn’t want to?”

My temper was flaring. “He’s my husband, Matty. He…”

“No!” he screamed. “He gave you up, remember? He broke your heart! He doesn’t get to come back and say ‘oops, I made a mistake’ once you’ve moved on! You’re mine and I don’t fucking share. If I have to beat his pansy asshole ass into oblivion to get that message across, I’ll fucking do it!”

I gaped at him. “I can’t believe you’re mad about that!”

“Well, I’m fuckin’ pissed.” He turned around and started pacing again. “Any other secrets I should know, Joes?”

“You’re one to talk, Matty! Your whole life is a secret. I say I fell in love with my best friend, but then your friends are constantly looking at me like I’m crazy because I don’t really know anything about you.”

Matty slowed, turning back to me. “You know me better than anyone!”

I raised an eyebrow. “Really? That’s why I knew you were rich, that you belong to some bike gang, and that you are covered in tattoos?” He rolled his eyes, exasperated. “I don’t know a fucking thing about you, not really!”

“Yeah, cause having a little money, tattoos, and friends really changes who a person is.” He turned, grabbed the manila envelope and hurled it at my feet. “There, read that. That will tell you every fucking thing you want to know!”

I kicked at the packet. “I don’t want to read that shit! I want you to tell me. I want to know the you that Rob knows.”

He took a slow breath and shook nodded. “No you don’t. Not really. You’re too much of a social worker to let the past go. You think that once you have all the pieces you’ll understand me. Well, sweetheart, those pieces aren’t as important as you think.”

“Matty, I just want to know you.”

“You do!” he exploded. “You don’t need to know the kid in that file.” He nodded towards the floor. “He was lost and angry, looking for something to make sense. He needed someone like you, someone that would make him laugh, call him on his bullshit. But I can promise you, even if he’d had you he would have hurt you, because that’s who he was. That’s who he had to be.”

I listened to him, watching the man in front of me transform into a cold, tough stranger. His shoulders pulled back, his face lost all trace of humor. He was right, I didn’t like this Matty. I didn’t want to hear anymore, but he continued anyway.

“My parents didn’t beat us, they didn’t starve us, they didn’t hurt us. In fact, they loved us enough to walk away from their screwed up lives and then their shitty marriage. Nothing lasts forever and love is never enough, so my dad moved on. When he left, though, my mom was fucked. She was sad, didn’t think things through. So, I did what I had to do. I was 15, Cris was 12, the day I came home and found my mom’s boyfriend perping on her. She said it was the first time, but it sure as hell was gonna be the last. I made sure the fucker would never touch a little girl again.

“I got sent to the youth center and met Rob. His life had been shit since the beginning, but he was determined to make things right. I got out and went back, more times than I remember. And you know what? I’d do every single thing over again! I told you once that I was a monster and I fuckin’ meant it.”

“Jesus, Matt, you were a kid! He breaks my heart, but I don’t give two shits about him. I want to know you… the you that seems so happy to have me one minute, asking me to come to Boston and then seems ashamed of me and won’t let me come the next. The you that had me get all dressed up to go out to a club, and then I find out it was only so he could spy on some asshole. I just want you to talk to me!”

He looked like he was ready to explode again. “I know you don’t fucking get it, but I’m trying to keep you safe.” There was that stupid phrase again and I groaned when I heard it. His eyes narrowed. “She may not live, Joes. Ellie might die! Do you know how fucking helpless Ian feels? He couldn’t do anything to stop them. By keeping you here, away from that shit, I can keep you safe!”

“Do they know who attacked them?”

He shook his head. “No, but that doesn’t matter right now. All that matters to me is you!”

I walked towards him, putting a hand on his chest. He tensed at my touch. I needed to fix this, make the last few minutes go away. “Matty. I’m right here, I’m safe.” He looked down at me, searching my eyes with his. I sighed, my voice soft. “I love you, and I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you. I promise, from now on, even if it starts a fight, I’ll be honest.” I chuckled. “Except when the kids are here… I will hold it in until they’re gone.” I winked, but Matty closed his eyes and turned his head. 

“Joes,” he was gritting his teeth, “what was Will going to do with that packet?”

I tipped my head. “Use it against me in the custody battle, I’m sure.”

His shoulders sagged, all fight suddenly gone from him. “Jesus, Joes! You can’t bring the kids here.” He closed his eyes. “I’m sorry Jo, but your kids can’t live here. I don’t think you should, either.”

I gasped, pulling away, sure I heard him wrong. “What?” He didn’t answer, just turned and walked into the house.

I heard his footsteps as he walked down the hallway, but didn’t make eye contact when I felt him in the doorway. I’d avoided him while I gathered my things from the rest of the house and had been in the bedroom for the last half hour emptying the drawers he’d given me onto the bed. I wanted to make sure that when I left, I didn’t leave anything behind. I didn’t want any excuse to have to come back.

I didn’t understand what was happening, how he could tell me he loved me one second and then break me the next. Yes, I hadn’t dated anyone since high school, but shouldn’t there be more closure, not just one person saying they were done? I felt a pang of empathy for Teagan and her numerous heartbreaks. I replayed our last conversation in our mind. I’d talked about Taylor, told him she’d come by. Did he want her back—did he realize he’d made the wrong choice and I couldn’t possibly compete?

“Where are you gonna go?” His voice was strained as he disturbed my panicked thoughts. I couldn’t tell if it was because he didn’t want to ask or because he didn’t want to know the answer.

“What the fuck do you care? I’m doing what you want—leaving. That’s all that matters.” I knew I was being a bitch, but I couldn’t stop myself.

“You could go back to Will. It’s what he wants. He’ll keep you safe.” I couldn’t look at him. His tone was enough to make my breath catch, and if he looked as sad as he sounded, I’d break down and beg him to change his mind. “Joes, I know you don’t understand, but I just need a little time.”

“Why in the hell would I go back to him?” I demanded, his question infuriating me. “So I can spend the rest of my life pretending I love him? Counting down the days until the kids are old enough for me to leave? Do I just forget how he’s treated me lately? Yeah, I’m good, thanks.” I started transferring my clothes from the pile on the bed in front of me into my bag.

I heard him moving toward my side of the bed, but couldn’t look up. He stopped, pushing my half-packed bag out of the way. “Joes, we’ll sort this out eventually, I swear. You know I’ll take as much of you as I can get. Maybe we can stay at the hotel a few nights a week…”

I shook my head, interrupting him. Awesome. So he and Taylor can live here and I can be his little plaything? Not a chance in hell. “No, Matty.” I couldn’t say more.

He sat down abruptly as if expecting a different answer. "Joes?" He shifted on the bed, and I knew he saw the look of confused bitterness on my face. “You’re not going to give me time to figure this out, are you?” The shock in his voice ripped me apart, and I couldn't find my voice. I bit my lip, shaking my head.

He put a hand on my chin, turning my face toward him. "I'm not Will, Joes. I love you.” He sighed. “There isn’t someone else.” I hated how he could read my mind, how he knew I was worrying about Taylor. “I just need some time to get my head around everything that’s happened.”

I searched his eyes. “A little time? Wow, that’s a new one, even for you! Why, Matty? What is there to figure out? I love you, you say you love me. How is that confusing?” He didn’t answer, only raised an eyebrow at my questions. The image of Taylor standing on our front steps telling me she thought
Matt was calling her for another booty call, filtered through my mind. My old insecurities just wouldn’t die. “Who am I kidding? This was never gonna work.” I laughed bitterly. “We’ve been acting like stupid kids for months. It's time we face reality. I'm married and have two kids. You have Sammy and so much going on that I don’t even know where I would fit into your life. We're adults! No one falls in love like this when they're our age. You’re right. We walk away now, and no one gets hurt."

"Jesus, you’re so fucking melodramatic!” He closed his eyes for a brief moment, as if praying for patience. Suddenly they opened back up, locking onto mine. “No one gets hurt?" His eyes narrowed and his jaw clenched. He flexed his cheek muscles and I could tell he was trying to control his temper. "It's too fucking late for that, isn't it?" His voice was cold. He let go of my chin and pointed a finger at me. "I told you I didn't want this, that it was a line we couldn't cross. As usual, once you get an idea stuck in that beautiful brain of yours, you don’t fuckin' listen to anyone. Now we can't go back. No matter what you do, Jo, someone gets hurt. It's nice to know it won't be you, though."

That's not what I meant, and he knew it. “For crying out loud, make up your fucking mind! You tell me one minute that we can’t be together, the next you tell me you love me and want me forever, and now? Now, you need time and want some sort of relationship, but I just can’t live here.” I glared at him, feeling my nostrils flare as I debated what to say next.  “What about me? What about what I want? I can’t do this anymore, Matty! I’m done.” Sighing I nodded. "You’re right, we can’t go back. But, we can do the right thing now. Can’t we just be friends again?”

His face hardened. “Friends?” he scoffed. “That really what you want? To have me come into work with stories of my latest girlfriend? ‘Cause I can guaran-fuckin-tee there will be girlfriends. Plural.  Do you want to hear how amazing she is in bed, or wanna talk about our latest trip to the Caribbean, ‘cause you can bet your ass she’ll have a fuckin’ passport!” I felt the color drain from my face as I let his shittiness get to me. “I told you I needed some time. I won’t keep asking you to give me one simple thing, and I won’t spend my life alone just because you're terrified of the unknown. I’m not a fuckin’ monk."

"Ha! That's the fucking truth!" I spat at him. "Maybe you should tell the next girlfriend about the mountain of skeletons before she falls in love with you. Might save your heart some trouble."

It was his turn to laugh bitterly. "Now you worry about my heart? That’s disgustingly sweet."

"Oh, don't fool yourself. I'm not worried about you in the least. Like you just said, you'll move on and fall in love, no problem. And, why wouldn't you? You're God's gift to women, right? I hate to break it to you, Mateo, but some of us want more than half-truths, empty promises, and romance whiplash!"

God! Why did he have to be so infuriating? I never would have pictured us ending like this—two pissed off people hurling insults at the other. I stared at my best friend, wondering what in the hell happened to us. Only hours ago we’d been in bed, happy. Will was right, I’d been an idiot.

He shook his head. "Think what you want, but I never said a thing about love. I said there would be someone else, but we both know you are it for me, Josephine. You are the love of my life.” He reached a hand out, grabbing mine. “I will be in love with you until the day I die.” His tone was so sincere it tugged at my heart and I wanted to believe his words. But, his history was blatantly obvious.

“Now who’s being melodramatic?” I threw my free hand in the air, annoyed. “You said the same thing about Becky, but that only lasted until the next bimbo came along. Poor Matty, can’t be alone.”

“The fuck I did!” He jerked his hand away, narrowing his eyes dangerously. “I didn’t want to lose Sam, but Bex and I… we were together for him. Yeah, the rest of them were because I didn’t want to be alone. But you? I fucking love you! Now that I’ve had you, I can’t imagine you being with anyone else! The thought of you being with Will, letting him touch you… Jesus, it makes me want to kill him.” He stood, walked around the bed and raised his arm, clearing his dresser with a crash. I jumped at the sound of bottles breaking as numerous scents filled the air. “Don’t you have any fucking idea how hard this is for me?”

“No! I don’t,” I whispered.

“I want to wake up with you every day for the rest of my life. But, right now… that asshole prick hasn’t given us much of a choice.” He was yelling at me again, which instantly pissed me off.

“Will is an ass, I’ll give you that, but right now he’s worried about his kids. I know for a fact that if you hated the man Becky was with, you’d do the same fucking thing! You would dig up every bit of his past to see what kind of man he was, to see if you could trust him around Sam. And if you thought you couldn’t, you aren’t above threatening and scheming to keep him away.”

“I’d be pissed, yeah, but I’d trust her instincts.”

“Bullshit! You don’t trust my instincts and you’re my best friend. Why would he? You know the Bastards are dangerous! You're dangerous! You beat on Will in a parking lot. If I hadn't stopped you...” I looked up, shocked to see his face pale. I couldn’t finish my thought. “And mixed with your history, why would any dad let his children live with you?”

“I don’t give two shits what that asshole wants. All I care is that you want me, that you trust me. Those Bastards would kill to protect you and the kids. Think what you want of me, but know I would die before I'd let anyone hurt you!” He ground his teeth, fighting his urge of control.

"Really? Tell that to Ellie! Do you really think Ian wouldn't have died to protect her? He's never gonna be ok, Matty! He's gonna be broken for the rest of his life!"

"You're scared, and I get it. I’m fuckin’ petrified. There’s a reason most of us don’t have families. I never know when my past is gonna catch up. Up until now I thought I was safe here, that building a life here kept the ones I love away from everything else. I just need time to make sure you’re still safe. Don't end this, Joes, because if you do..." He trailed off, leaving his threat to my imagination.

"Are you listening to yourself? I can't do this Matty! I can’t leave today and sit around waiting for you to change your mind. I can’t be with another man that puts me last.” His eyes roamed my face but then he looked away. I couldn't breathe. "I can’t leave my kids. You're asking me to give up everything in order to maybe someday be a part of your life! I'd never ask you to do that!" I hollered.

"Bullshit!" He yelled back. "I'm not asking you to give up anything but time. Your kids will be fine with Will. I would give up everything I have, every fucking thing I own, to make sure you didn’t have to lose anything, Joes!" He raked his hands through his hair.

I narrowed my eyes, taking a deep breath. He just wasn’t getting it. Putting a hand to my chest, I willed him to understand. “I can’t do this Matty. It's so much more than how I feel about you! I can’t live like this. Wondering if the day is going to come that you decide you need more than just a little space. Fighting Will on every decision I make because he hates you and doesn’t want the kids around you. No matter how you look at it, we can’t make this work, Matty!”

I shook my head and felt the tears sting. “I can’t give you time, because I won’t be that person again—waiting on the back burner for someone to get his priorities straight. Because after the last fifteen years, I deserve more than the sporadic fifteen minutes. And, because I love you and can’t even fathom a life without you in it, I can’t have only part of you. We deserve to be happy, and as much as I want to, we can't do that together. You deserve someone that can be everything I can’t.”

“What is that, exactly? Taylor?” he sneered. “And you? You deserve some boring ass guy that works nine-to-five? Someone that will never push you? Someone that will put you up on a pedestal and never let you live? Guess what sweetheart, you already had that and hated every second! Aagghh! You are so fucking stubborn,” he screamed at me, fists clenched at his sides.

“Here’s a fucking newsflash Matty, so are you!” I screamed back. I sighed, adjusting the pile of clothes I still needed to pack.

He took the two long steps to me, bending his knees so we were eye to eye, an emotion I couldn’t read on his face. "We don’t work as a couple? Well, baby, that’s the only way we’ll ever be anything again. It’s all or nothing. I can’t be a bystander anymore. I won’t sit back and pretend I’m your friend. You’ve thought it all through, huh? Fuck!”

His voice broke and he started to shake. “The one thing you’re missing, the one thing you can't get through that god-awful thick skull of yours is that you are my everything, Joes! By leaving me, you are taking my everything.” I saw the water pool in his eyes and my heart broke.

"Matty." I fell into him, a lump in my throat preventing more words, wrapping my arms around him. I loved this man, more than I could even comprehend. After a few minutes, he shifted and opened to me, pulling me in. I could feel the tension radiating through his body, and I wanted nothing more than to take it away. For a long time he held me to him, tighter than he'd ever held me before, as if he knew if he slackened his grip, I'd slip away. I swallowed at the lump, not wanting to believe the words I was about to say, but i
t didn’t budge. We couldn’t be ending this quickly, over something so small. But here we were. “We were always going to end up here, Matty.”

"Don't you know that I would do anything for you?" His voice was full of emotion.
Anything, except ask me to stay
. I knew that was his way of telling me he would let me go. There would be no ploys, no threats, no begging—because he wasn’t Will. I knew that even if it killed him, he wouldn't call me tomorrow to see if I'd changed my mind or to tell me how much he loved me. This, right here, was how we ended the last eleven years of friendship. This was our goodbye.

He tensed, and I knew he felt the finality of it too. Pulling back, he closed his hands around my face, rubbing his thumb back and forth across my cheek. I wanted to remember this moment forever. His scent, the cold metal from his ring, the quick beat of his heart echoing against my chest.

His lips brushed mine, softly, and I forced my eyes open, needing to see him. The thumb moved to my lips, gently tracing them as if he too, was memorizing this moment. “I’ll miss you, Joes.” I couldn’t tell him I’d miss him, or that I loved him, or that I’d changed my mind and would do whatever it took to stay in his life, because my mouth wouldn’t form words.