Always (Bold as Love) (9 page)

21

Emily

I feel as if all I did was toss and turn all night. I awoke exhausted. The opportunity to leave unnoticed was too great to miss. If there was one thing that I didn't want to discuss ever, it is the relationship between my past 'sex' life and my current. There's no way I am going home, so instead, I head to Charlotte. It's a long drive, but hopefully one that is well worth it.

The entire drive, all I can think about is how I could go to Conrad, but I can't. I'm supposed to run to Jake. Is this what has become of me? Thanks to Jake, can I no longer speak about my problems with other people? The beating of my heart pounds into my chest and head. My knuckles are white against the black steering wheel, and I'm trying so hard not to panic. The monster within who would creep out during presentations, who has been dormant, is coming back to life. It keeps getting bigger and bigger until I'm scared, shaking, and panicked as I turn the car around to head back home.

What if Jake gets upset with the way I feel? I know I shouldn't feel the way I do, but I feel as if I can't help it. I do sleep with Jake because I love him, and I want to. But part of me sleeps with him because I know it's something he wants. It's something I should give him for putting up with me. Jake is
not
going to like hearing these things. Is the want to make him happy too much to ask for?

I'm sitting in my car, parked on the curb in front of his house. Unfortunately, Jake is outside on the porch steps. My eyes focus on the road before me. It takes everything I have not to look at Jake when he walks around the front of my car and to my window. Bending down, he lightly taps. Suddenly, tears are falling from my eyes, and I open my door to get out. My arms wrap tightly around Jake as I cry into his chest. I'm safely tucked in Jake's embrace, crying and breathing heavily.

Panic mode for sure. I can't catch my breath quick enough. My mind is a whirlwind of emotions and all I want is for Jake to save me. Only, I know that this time, I have to save myself. To do this, I decide to let the panic take over. That has to be the best way for it to go away faster, right?

Negative.

I cry for a good thirty minutes in Jake's arms. Finally, I can feel myself gaining control as I tell myself that Jake will love me no matter what. Before I can change my mind, I let the words blast from my mouth.

“
I have sex with you because I know you want it; I want it; you put up with me all the time and get nothing in return; and it's part of the reason you want me. But you have to understand, Jake, I have sex with you because I love you too.”

I feel Jake rest his chin on my head. He breaks my heart and says, “I don't know what to do anymore.”

The one thing that I did not want to hear after saying all of that is what he just said. How am I supposed to know what to do if Jake doesn't? Stepping away from Jake, I briskly walk away from him and into his house, and up the stairs to his room. The door closes easily with the quick push from my hand as I crawl onto his bed and under the covers, pulling them all the way up to my nose.

Upon hearing Jake enter his room, I say, “I don't want to dissect everything in our relationship because of my past. I love you. Why can't that be enough? Why isn't that enough?” I don't give him the chance to speak. “You know, I love your bed because it smells like you and it's comforting, like you. As crazy as it sounds, it's there when I need it. Just like you. My past, however, is nothing like you and our relationship. You are everything my past with my mother isn't. You know all the gory details and still love me for me. Yes, I was raped many times. But, Jake, you have to understand that I never would have slept with you if I felt pressured.

“I sleep with you because I love you. I feel safe with you. I want you. You want me because you love me. Your personality is completely different than those men. Everything about us is different than that and that is why I can sleep with you after being raped. Because of our relationship, I was able to conquer those feelings of obligation and whatnot.”

“
Sweetness,” Jake rolls me over and runs his finger down from my ear down my jaw. “I love you.” Chills run down my spine at the sultry heat in Jake's eyes.

Laying with Jake, our legs tangled together, there is not one place in this entire universe that I rather be. Jake is my heart, my home, my love. It's not five minutes later, Jake's breathing becomes steady and a soft snore escapes. I let his warmth and the music of his breathing and heartbeats sway me into a light slumber.

An hour or so later, I awake to Jake playing with my hair. The air is charged with a happy, but slightly negative feeling.

“Everything okay, love?” I yawn.

“
I don't think I tell you enough that I love you or just how much.” Moving quickly, he rolls on top of me, the weight of his body not completely on me as he would probably crush me with muscles.

“
I love you,” he kisses my neck.

“
I love you so much,” he kisses my collarbone. As he moves further down, more of my body becomes exposed.

“
I love how your hair smells like strawberries,” he kisses the spot between my breasts.

“
I love your eyes,” he kisses my stomach.

This continues as Jake names every single thing he loves about me while covering every inch of my body with luscious kisses. My body warms up with each kiss until I'm scorching hot.

“Jake,” I barely breathe.

He looks up at me from his current position at my stomach, a smirk playing on his lips. “Yes, Sweetness?”

“If you tease me for another second...” a moan escapes before I can finish my sentence as his tongue kisses the inside of my thigh. I open my eyes to find Jake hovering over me, his eyes serious as he settles between my legs. The next hour is amazing.

While I was gone, Jake took Drake to a friend's. It's getting even later in the afternoon and it is time to go pick him up. Standing in one another's arms by my car, Jake says, “I think it's time you go home and face your dad.”

“
Agreed.”

Jake kisses me gently and then kisses my forehead.

“I love you, Sweetness. Always.”

“
I love you too, Jake.”

Leaving Jake behind, I go home. There's no denying the comfort that oozes from the house. Dad's sitting on the couch and turns with a smile, saying, “Hey, hon.” With a flop, I'm sitting beside my father. I don't even get a chance to say anything before he starts lecturing.

“I know you love him, honey, but do you think marrying him right now is the best thing to do? If y'alls love is as strong as it appears to be, waiting won't hurt anything. You two are just beginning your lives and the last thing y'alls relationship needs is more of a burden that this will cause. Marriage may strengthen your relationship, that I'm not denying, but it just isn't the right time.

“
Not to mention that you are just learning to stand on your own two feet and learning more about yourself in respects to the real world. How can y'all marry when you don't know enough about yourself to do so? You need to be comfortable in your own shoes before you step into a marriage.”

Dad is satisfied with his talk, but now it's my turn. “Dad, I don't doubt that you know what's best for me. However, you don't understand where we are coming from. Jake would love to get married right this second, but he's waiting for me to make that call and he wants to respect your wishes. While I would love to marry Jake, I'm not ready just yet. Jake will even tell you that I felt similar to you. Daddy, it'll most likely be a while before we marry.”

He wraps an arm around my shoulder and hugs me to him. “Good.” Relief is evident in his voice and body language. I kiss his cheek and say goodnight as I'm exhausted.

22

Jake

Drake and I are ready to go. All we have left to do is to pick up Emily. As far as Drake knows, we are going to a wedding up in Jersey. We told him that Emily had family up there and one of her cousins will be tying the knot and we were invited. That way, he won't question why we are getting dressed up.

“Wait a second,” Drake says, leaning forward from the back seat as Emily enters the car. “What time is this wedding?”

“
Three,” Emily answers easily.

He groans. “I'm going to miss the Draft! Are y'all sure that I can't just stay here with Dad?”

Emily gives me a pity look, which I ignore. I wanted my dad to come, but he's too drunk and back to bathing in grief to care. At least now, our cover story still works. “We already told them that you were coming. It'll be fine. You can see the results once we get back.”

“
It's not the same,” he grumbles, falling back into his seat to effectively pout.

Drake asked earlier this week why Mike wasn't going. The answer? It is family from her mom's side. That seemed to satisfy him and I'm glad. We are flying up today, staying the night, and then arriving tomorrow for the Draft. All that paperwork I've done and the camp in Canada is finally paying off. I still can't believe it. It's mind boggling. We're leaving from Raleigh and flying into Newark. Drake mumbles the entire way there.

“This is so unfair.”

“
Who has a wedding on Draft day?”

“
That's like having a wedding during the playoffs.”

“
Crazy psychos.”

I resist the urge to smile every time he speaks. He's going to flip when he finds out where we are actually going. Everything seems to be speeding by as we find a parking spot at the airport and unload. While we wait inside for us to board, Drake seems distracted. He's looking around and his leg is bouncing slightly. I know what that means. I've seen Emily this way too many times not to know.

“What's up, Drake?”

“
I've never been on a plane before.”

“
Me either,” Emily tells him.

“
It's pretty fun. Almost like a calm roller coaster.”

“
I don't like roller coasters,” Drake says worriedly.

“
Me either,” Emily repeats.

“
There's nothing to worry about you two. You'll be fine.”

“
What's it like though?”

How does one describe a takeoff and landing? That's the biggest part of it. Lord help me if there's turbulence. I keep looking back and forth between Emily, who is on my left, and Drake, who is on my right. Slightly frighten eyes are on each side of me.

“The flying part is just like a car ride. There might be a couple of bumps, but it is pretty smooth. It's pretty fun to takeoff, though. We'll coast for a bit until we're in position to fly and then we'll build speed and ta-da. We leave the ground and that's pretty much it.”

That satisfies them both for now. Emily takes my hand and holds it in her lap. We wait in silence, watching the people around us rush to their terminals, play on their phones, and type on their laptops.

Finally, we are called to board. The line moves smoothly for the most part as we make our way to our seats. With the anxiety these two are feeling, I'm glad we have seats close to the wings. It's smoother there. However, this is a rather small plane compared to the one I took to Canada. There are two sections, one with one seat and one with two seats. Emily is sitting across the aisle by herself. I know that she's not thrilled about it, but since Drake is nervous too, she rather he sit with me.

Drake loves to fly by the time we are in the air. Emily, on the other hand, not so much. She keeps fidgeting in her seat, clutching her stomach.

“You okay?” I ask as one of the flight attendants walks by.

She glares in response.

“Isn't this fun, Emily?” Drake questions, leaning forward to look at her.

She manages a smile. “Tons of fun, buddy.”

Drake leans back and looks out the window, fascinated by the view of ivory clouds dominating the sky. Emily has hers closed. Sweetness is looking over at me with such gloom. I reach over, take her hand, and tug. She leans towards me, her mouth slightly parted, and her breathing slowed.

“
How much longer?” Sweetness whispers.

The flight is roughly an hour and a half long. We've only been on the plane forty-five minutes. “About forty-five minutes.”

She closes her eyes and collapses in her seat. I'm still holding her hand, which is clammy. The flight attendant is making her way back up the aisle, and I have to let go. Her hand slinks into her lap, and she pushes into her seat, keeping her eyes closed. Carefully, I watch her for the rest of the flight. When we land and are able to get off the plane, I'm half expecting her to kneel and kiss the ground. She doesn't. Sweetness simply relaxes with a sigh as if that releases all of her tension.

After we grab our bags, we head outside to grab a taxi. Emily's in the middle as we sit in the back seat, and I tell the driver which hotel we are staying at.

“I need a nap,” Emily says, sneaking a peek at me.

“
That sounds good. We can catch a nap and eat supper afterwards.”

That's just what we do too. We ate at some Italian restaurant down the road and then watched Cars 2 back at the hotel. Once the movie is over, I tell Drake that he needs to go ahead and shower. It's just me and Emily on the bed now and her head is resting on my chest.

“Everything okay?” I ask.

“
Yeah. I'm just not a fan of flying is all.”

“
Still thinking about that?”

“
Yep and about how we have to fly back home.” She shivers.

I chuckle and she looks up at me with a glare. “You'll be fine.”

“Are you excited about tomorrow?”

“
I feel like I'm dreaming. I don't think life could get any better right now.”

And it couldn't. Life is too sweet for it to be any better. I have everything I need. Emily and Drake. I guess I was right when I said that Dad wouldn't get any better. Being better for a while doesn't mean much when he so easily gives in when opportunity arises. He has Drake to think about and he doesn't want to try for his own sake, much less for Drake's. How could he do well all this time and then slip without a second glance?

“I'm going to change while he's in there,” Sweetness says, getting off the bed and going to her suitcase. I watch as she pulls out some blue shorts and a white t-shirt representing our school. She quickly changes as she hears the water shut off and climbs back into bed with me. Once Drake comes out, he says goodnight and gets into his bed. Emily and I head into the bathroom and get ready for bed ourselves. By the time we've brushed our teeth, I've changed, and we're all ready for bed, Drake is asleep.

While laying in bed, trying to sleep, my thoughts turn to tomorrow. It's going to be one of the biggest days of my life. After an hour, I turn off the TV to see if that will help. Emily's body seems too hot as she is covering over half my body. I touch her forehead with the back of my hand and she does feel a bit warm. With ease, I slip out of bed, change my clothes, and sneak out of the room. I can't have Sweetness waking up sick tomorrow. She would not be one happy camper. I would bet money that she'd be beyond pissed in fact.

When we went to the restaurant earlier, we passed a drug store. That's where I'm headed. It only takes twenty minutes for me to pick up a temperature reducer and get back to the hotel. Now, how can Emily scold me for being awake if I just did this for her? That's right. She can't. I slip the room key into the slot and the light gleams green, granting me access. I use my phone to light up the way between the beds and turn on the lamp. A chuckle rips through me at seeing Sweetness sprawled across the bed.

Gently, I shake her awake. She rolls towards me and blinks several times.

“Jake? What's wrong?”

“
Sit up.” Once she has, Sweetness becomes more alert and tilts her head at me.

“
Love, why are you dressed? What's wrong?”

I take a seat next to her. “Nothing's wrong. How do you feel?”

“Tired.”

“
I couldn't sleep and you were clinging to me like a leech,” I start.

“
A leech? Did you just call me a leech?”

“
That's not the point. You felt like you had a fever, so I went to the drugstore down the road and bought you something. I figured you didn't want to wake up sick in the morning.” I tear open the box storing the medicine, and I'm thankful that it came with a little cup to measure the liquid. I pour the appropriate amount and hand it to her. She downs it quickly, and reaches over me to set it on the nightstand.

“
Come to bed, love.”

“
Yes, ma'am.”

I change and then climb back into bed with Emily. She reaches and turns off the lamp since it's on her side. Once again, she embraces me and after about five minutes, she tells me to go to sleep. Smiling, I hold her close and do just that.

I awake to hear water running. Turning my head, I see that Emily is no longer in bed. She must be getting a shower. Laying in bed, thoughts of today rush through my head. The phrase “This is it” keeps repeating itself. I try to quieten the roaring sentence, tamper down my squeamish stomach, and relax to the sounds around me. Drake is snoring slightly. The water that I'm sure is effortlessly flowing down Emily's body is creating a tune of its own as it collides with the tub. Sweetness' movements are alternating the melody of the assailing liquid.

Because of my familiarity, I picture the little quirks of her showering routine. Based on the length of time I've been awake, I'd assume that she's shaving by now. She starts, oddly enough, from the knees up. She's careful to get every little hair with such an intense gaze even running her lean fingers over the freshly shaven spot to be sure as her wet hair falls to cover her face. Sweetness takes her time as she guides the razor along her skin and then moves to the rest of her legs.

Afterwards, I can see, clear as day, as she pours her strawberry scented shampoo into the cup of her hand. Washing her hair is always the second to last thing she does. Next, she'll wash her face. I've seen it many times to know that she'll rinse her face three times, just because. As if in tune with my mind, the water shuts off. I might as well get out of bed and take my shower too.  A glance at the clock sitting on the nightstand tells me that it's ten in the morning. I grab everything I'll need and knock two times swiftly to let her know that I'm coming in.

“Who is it?” she asks.

“
Me,” I answer since a twist of the knob tells me that it's locked.

“
Oh,” she says.

I open the door after hearing the soft click and walk into the bathroom.

“Lock it back so Drake doesn't accidentally come in,” she orders and proceeds to watch me do so. “Morning, love,” Sweetness greets as she puts on her strapless bra, leaning towards me to sweep her lips across mine.

“
Good morning.” I set my things down on the counter. “How are you feeling?”

“
Great. Are you ready for today?”

“
Absolutely.” I move around her to turn the shower back on. Pushing back the compulsion to secure my arms around Sweetness, I undress quickly and step into the shower. In a low tone that carries over the water, Sweetness is singing, but I can't make out what exactly.

“
Whatcha singing?”

“
Back at One by Mark Wills.” Sweetness continues singing, and I listen. She repeats it twice before stopping. “Do you need anything ironed?”