Always (Bold as Love) (6 page)

13

Emily

Selfish; spoiled; ungrateful; heartbroken; pitiful; pathetic. All those words describe me. I'm out of the house for a change and walking around the local Wal-Mart like a zombie. I have to talk to Jake. Explain things to him. He's right about everything but me sleeping with Conrad. I need to talk to him. I need to set things straight once more so we can move on. My phone is in my pocket, and I retrieve it. Confirming my list of things Dad sent me to buy, I'm standing at the end of an aisle when I look up.

There Jake is. He's standing with Drake in front of the vast array of potato chips. Drake picks out a red bag and throws it into the cart. Both of them look my way as they continue down the aisle. I'm not sure what I expected of his reaction, but to still see anger wasn't it. His eyes haunts me as I turn and walk away, hoping to get lost in the store without running into them again. It doesn't work for even a second because Drake' yells out my name and bombards me with a hug when I face him.

“Hey, buddy. How are you?”

“
Good. What have you been up to? I've missed you.”

“
I've missed you too. I'll come get you one day this week if your dad doesn't mind, okay?”

“
Awesome!”

“
Drake, let's go,” Jake's harsh voice settles Drake's excitement.

He lowers his head and waves goodbye as he walks away. Back home, I'm laying in bed. Hours have passed and I make the decision that tomorrow, I will face him and all the trouble that I have caused him. But for now, I'm going to lay in bed as I try to find the right words.

The tears are already falling by the time Jake opens the door. I'm so nervous, but I know I have to talk to him. His face is as telling as wall. He's not going to give away what he is feeling. Not to me.

“I'm so sorry, Jake. I never meant to be so selfish. You have to believe me, Jake. There's no other person that I rather run to than you, but I always chicken out. You are the one person that I don't want to let down and yet, that's all I do. I'm sorry. For taking you for granted, for not coming to you, for letting you down, for everything. I'm sorry, Jake. I beg for your forgiveness and even though, you want nothing to do with me, you're still the only one I want.”

I turn to leave when I remember another important thing. Looking back, I say, “And I never slept with Conrad. It's not like that anymore with us. Just so you know, I know that your career is important to you. Maybe it's best that we don't get back together. I'll probably just get in the way. I wish you the best of luck.”

With that, I leave.

I'm not even at the end of the road, before I turn around. I can't just leave things like that. I have to get Jake back. I love him, miss him, and want him. I have to quit being like this and be the best partner for Jake. Sitting in my car, I can see that Jake is still outside, sitting on the porch steps, his head in his hands. Look at what I've done to him. He deserves better.

But I can give him that. I can give him more than what I have. I'm out of my car in the blink of an eye and back in front of Jake, kneeling with his hands in mine.

“
I can appreciate you, love you, cherish you, and everything. I just need one more chance to prove that to you. I can be there for you, and I can handle things on my own. Jake, I can do this. I can be what you need me to be. You will be the first person I run to, even if I'm scared of what you'll think. You're always there for me and always helping me. You make me feel safe, and you love me like no one else has before. I want to do those things for you. Please, forgive me. I'm so sorry. I want you to be the one and only person I ever run to. I love you. Please, Jake.”

He doesn't say a word. His eyes search mine, and I hope that he finds what he's looking for. Jake wraps me in a hug so tightly that I almost lose my breath.

“It's time that I devote my heart and soul into making you as happy as you make me. Behind every smile, I want to be the reason. With every chuckle, I want there to be something I've done to cause it. There is a lot that I want out of life, but none as great as my need to see you thrive with intoxicating joy,” I whisper into his neck.

“
There's a lot we still have to talk about, Sweetness.”

Jake releases me from his hold, and I melt at how he's called me Sweetness once more. I just want to kiss him, but I feel like I shouldn't yet. Jake leads me up to his room where we can talk. He's cleaning up a little while I have made myself comfortable on his bed.

"Love?"

"Yeah?"

"Come join me," I say once I believe he has finished. I watch as Jake saunters over and lays beside me. Immediately, I cuddle up against him. My eyes close as my ears listen to the rhythm of his heartbeat.

"I love you," I whisper as if spoken too loudly, I could break the mesmerizing spell his heart has on me.

“I love you too. Always.”

After a few minutes, Jake decides it's time to talk. “What are you going to do about your mother? Are you going to go to therapy?”

“I hate her, Jake. I don't want anything to do with her.”

All this talk about therapy makes me worry. If I don't want to go, then that means I'm going to have to tell Jake everything. Is that the right decision? Will Jake still love me if he knows every single detail?

Of course, he will. Jake loves me. Telling him will just give him more to love. Right? I don't know. That just sounds wrong. Once again, the light of day shines down on me and again I realize that communication is key. Talking to a therapist may be good for me, but will it be good for our relationship? Shouldn't I need to talk with Jake to better our relationship? Isn't that the only way?

“
I don't need to see a therapist. I just need to talk with you. Do whatever you feel you need to do to make me talk to you, but don't ever mention my mother to me again. I'm done with her. Messing up with you is apparently in my genes. You will have to get used to the fact that I'm going to worry. I'm going to be terrified sometimes. It's going to be our job to make sure I talk to you about it, though. Promise me that you won't ever give up on me.”

“
As long as you don't, I won't give up, Sweetness.”

“
I feel as if I can't apologize enough. I can't believe how selfish I was being. How selfish I've been our entire relationship. You always save me, Jake. I want to be able to save myself and you every now and then. I've had it so good with you and so easily, I let it slip away. I don't want to ever let go again.”

“
You've been forgiven, Sweetness. We just have to rebuild our relationship a little. I have to be able to trust that you aren't going to run away anymore.”

“
That's completely understandable.”

Jake's phone rings and I'm slightly surprised that he walks out of the room to answer it, giving me the signal that he'll be a minute. Jake's gone so long that I close my eyes in hopes of falling asleep. I'm in a light slumber when someone jumps on the bed. That someone is Jake.

“Sweetness, wake up!”

“
I'm awake!” I grumble.

“
Sweets, guess what that phone call was about?”

“
Sweets? What the hell? Jake, I was almost asleep.”

“
I like Sweets. And I'm in an extremely good mood. Don't you want to know why?”

“
Why?” I finally roll over and look at him.

“
I'm going to the Draft!”

“
What? You've been drafted? To the NHL?”

“
Sweetness, this is it. This is my year. This is it. Oh my god, I've got to tell Drake.”

I sit up in bed. My thoughts churning slowly. “You're going to be drafted?” Jake nods eagerly and I squeal, throwing my arms around him. “You're going to be in the NHL!!!”

Jake laughs and I can't help my full blown grin. I don't even think I can comprehend the excitement growing inside of me.

“
How about we don't tell Drake right now? You have to leave for the official draft and see which team picks you, right?”

“
Yeah.”

“
Well, you know Drake's going to be watching it while it's being televised, so why not surprise him that way? He can watch from here with me?”

“
You're going with me, Sweetness. You both are. We'll just tell him that we're going on a trip and surprise him once we arrive at the venue. I can't believe this is happening.”

“
Me either. You're going to be amazing, you know that, right? When is it?”

“
Two weeks on Friday in New Jersey.”

“
Can I go back to sleep now?” I joke.

Jake grabs me in a bear hug and kisses me quickly. “No, you may not. C'mon, Sweetness. I want to celebrate this with you.” He attacks my neck with kisses, causing me to laugh.

“Love, what did you have in mind?”

“
Let's go get Drake from Tommy's and go out for the day. It's summer; let's act like it. We can hit up the beach.”

So that's what we do.

The entire time, I'm waiting for the pen to drop. Something bad is coming. I can feel it.

14

Jake

It is while Emily is playing with Drake in the water, splashing water at each other, that I realize what has happened. This is my year. I'm blown away at what my future surely holds.
My thoughts get sidetracked as I see Emily
making her way to me. God, she's beautiful. Sweetness sits in my lap, sideways, and snakes her arms around me.

“
Having fun?” she asks.

“
Of course.”

Drake runs up, kicking up sand behind him. “Will y'all come get in the water with me already?”

Emily hops up, takes his hand, and leads him back to the water. She looks back at me with a smile to capture my heart. I'm up and out of my seat in no time. Sneaking up behind Drake, I sweep him up into my arms and carry his wiggling body into the water, tossing him in. The water tries to pull me in, but I make my way back out to Emily. She's backing away from me because she can see that I'm coming for her next. 

I get to her before she gets too far away, toss her over my shoulder and throw her into the water just as a wave sweeps us under. The first thing I hear is Drake cackling. Emily splashes water on us both and utters something about how mean I am, causing us to laugh more. She settles down and we wade in the water, enjoying the feel of cool water surrounding us, keeping the heat at bay.

Our bodies look like prunes by the time we exit the ocean and Drake complains about being hungry.

“
I'm so hungry that my stomach wants to eat itself. I'm so hungry that I could eat a horse. I'm starving, Jake. Star-ving.”

“
Okay, okay. Help us pack up and we'll go to grab some burgers.”

I get the chairs folded and together, while Emily wraps in a towel and Drake grabs the cooler. I notice him struggling just a little and switch with him. Drake has one chair in one hand and two in the other. Once we reach my car, we throw everything into my trunk and head to the restaurant, which is right down the street. Emily slips on one of my shirts to cover up her body, even though she doesn't have to since this is a place at the beach. They aren't strict on the shoes and shirt rule. Drake, who has been on a gentlemen kick, rushes to open the door for Emily. He steps in behind her and makes it where I have to grab the door quickly, or it'll close behind him.

The place is pretty busy, but we manage to find a booth. I take a seat next to Emily and Drake sits across from us. Sweetness leans her head on my shoulder and wraps her arms around my left arm. I kiss the top of her head and ask if everything's okay.

“
Yeah, what's wrong, Emily?” Drake asks.

“
I'm fine. Just enjoying time with my boys.” Sweetness holds my hand and squeezes it, reassuring me that her words ring true. We order and eat minutes later. Emily's nit-picking at her food.

Drake scarfs his down and is apparently ready to leave as he asks, “Can we get a milkshake and then go home?”

“Sure thing.” I call over the waitress to order Drake a milkshake to go. When it arrives, I hand Emily the keys and let them go ahead to the car while I pay. Things are pretty quiet until later when Sweetness and I are laying in bed.

"I keep thinking about what Eve said and how true it is. For once, I want to be able to keep you from breaking down. For once, I want to be in control of my life. I'm tired of dissolving every time something comes up or running to someone else, as it appears, I do so often."

"Sweetness, you are so strong, and you don't even see it. Trying to keep everything inside is what makes you weak. All you have to do is talk to me about it, and we can settle things."

"That's just it, Jake. I want to be independent. I want to solve a problem on my own for a change. You're always there to save me."

"Have you ever thought that maybe, that's what makes us work?"

"What are you talking about?" she asks.

"If you and I were so independent that we never needed to lean on the other, what kind of relationship would we have? What would be the point in us being together? Don't you see? Our love is all about being able to lean on the other."

"When do you ever lean on me?" Emily interrupts skeptically.

"All the time. You help me through my tough times without knowing it. Just because I don't tell you when I need you, doesn't mean you don't push me through. Canada near 'bout killed me. The simple thought of you and everything that makes you my Sweetness got me through. Each night we talked, hearing your voice made things bearable."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that we made it through two weeks. We've made it through a year and a half. We can make it through anything. All there is to do is keep talking with one another and being there for each other. Can you handle that?"

"By no means do I want to give up on us, love. With everything that happens unexpectedly, I want something stable to lean on."

"And that, Sweetness, would be me."

That earns me a smile, but it quickly fades.

"And my mother. I mean, I almost feel bad for telling her to die slowly. Part of me wants to give her another chance because she is dying, but a large part of me doesn't care. I
want
her to die slowly, Jake. I want her to feel pain. How can I feel that way?"

Her heart is breaking all over again and with it, mine shatters. "It's okay for you to feel that way considering how she treated you."

"But it wasn't always like that. Should she get a second chance because of how she was before that? I don't want to give her that satisfaction, Jake.
I hate her
."

Emily collapses to tears in my arms. It's best to let her cry it out, and that's exactly what I let her do. Once her tears come to a rest, I've found my words.

"Then don't. Don't give her that second chance. I can't believe I'm saying this, but make sure that's what you want. Make sure you decide on something that you won't regret. I'll be here for you on whatever you decide."

"Thank you. I love you."

Laying here as my Sweetness falls asleep, I can't quit thinking about her comment of wanting something stable to lean on. I meant what I said. I can be her rock when she needs me, and she can lean on me whenever she wishes.

Maybe the right moment has come.

I carefully reach into my nightstand, quietly shuffle things around in the back until I find exactly what I want. With Emily sleeping with one of my arms under her neck, I have no choice but to use one hand to open the tiny velvet box. The moonlight is barely shining through my blinds behind my nightstand, but the diamonds glint softly. I've been trying for what seems like forever to come up with the perfect proposal for my Sweetness, but nothing seems good enough.

Maybe the moment is here anyway and I should take this chance to make the absolute best out of it.