Always (Bold as Love) (2 page)

I promise you this, my precious baby, I will never let you down again. With all my heart, I wish you lots of love and toys in heaven.

Love,

Mom

I fold the paper into a small rectangle, not even bothering to wipe away the tears. Turning in my seat, I see Jake walking out of the bedroom, his letter gripped tightly in his hand, and his eyes swollen red. My heart catches and I hop out of my seat, running over into his arms.

2

Jake

To my son or daughter,

First, I want you to know that your mom and I love you so much. Your mom has had an extremely hard time dealing with losing you. We were both scared, but she wanted you so much. Losing you broke her heart and in turn, broke mine.

There is no doubt in my mind that Emily would be a fantastic mother. Sure, she doubts herself sometimes, but she would make sure you were taken care of and that you knew she loved you with everything that she is. I would make sure that you knew that we both love you.

One thing for sure, is that you would be a hockey baby. Hockey is such a big part of my life and I would love to make it a part of yours. I can hear your mother crying in the next room as she writes a letter to you as well. Never will I tire of rescuing her and being her strength when she needs it.

Your mother, although she worries about it, would have been a great mom. She would shower you with love constantly.
Hell
, heck, she did that while you were within her.

The only thing I want you to take away from this letter is that your mom and I love you. We would have cherished every day with you. You truly would have been a gift. You still were. I'm thankful for your presence. Like I said, we were scared, but your mom was beyond excited. I was terrified.

Terrified that I wouldn't be a good father. I'm young. I don't know if I could take care of a baby. For your mother, though, I would damn sure try.

Your mother means everything to me. You meant everything to her and in turn meant everything to me. I wish we wouldn't have lost you. Your mom and I wouldn't be crying otherwise. I would have loved being able to watch your mother with you and to introduce you to hockey. I'm sure your mom would convert you to a Penguins fan. I would be okay with that because I know that would make her happy.

I'm sorry, but I must go. Your mother needs me.

Love,

Dad

With Emily in my arms, I hold her close. Her lips move against my chest, telling me that she loves me.

“
I love you too, Sweetness.”

Knowing her, she isn't ready to let me go yet. I hold on to her and wait until she is ready. The smell of strawberry shampoo fills my senses, and Emily's frame fits snugly against me.

“What color balloon did you get?” I whisper into her hair.

“
Yellow. Neutral color, you know,” she says. Leaving my arms empty, she walks over to where a bag is sitting on the counter. She reaches inside and pulls out one yellow balloon. I watch as she begins to blow it up. Once it is a considerable size, she ties the knot and adds a string. Emily grabs her letter, places it in a plastic bag, takes a pen, and pokes a hole in the bag.

With an expectant hand waiting for my letter, I hand it over. She drops it in the bag and places the string through the hole and ties a knot. Emily walks pass me, and I follow her outside onto the front steps. She takes my hand and looks up to the sky.

A lone tear falls. We both hold onto the bag and after a minute or so, I count aloud.

“
One, two, three.”

The balloon floats upwards and Sweetness wraps her arms around me, watching as it rises higher and higher. I take a deep breath, and we watch the balloon disappear from sight. Sweetness looks up at me.

"Are you ready to pack and head home?"

Right. There is still something left to tell her. "I decided that I'm going to stay here until I leave. There's not much sense in going home only to have to come back in a week for my flight."

Oh, her lips form. She leaves my side and walks inside without me. Of course, I follow her. She has disappeared into the bedroom.

"What are you doing?" I call out upon hearing her scrummaging around.

"Packing," she replies as if it's obvious.

"Aren't you going to stay here with me?"

Silence echoes throughout the air since she has stopped moving. I can picture her thinking it through in her mind, and I take this opportunity to say, "You know, we could just pretend we are away at the cabin." The silence stomps around for a few seconds more.

"Let me text Dad and I'll be in there in a few."

Smiling victoriously, I go to the couch where I am sitting up with my legs stretched out. Just as she said, she appears a few seconds later. Sweetness takes a seat between my legs and leans into me. Automatically, my arms encase her. Sitting here like this, I know that these are the moments that I hold dear to my heart. There is nothing in the world that can put me through a bad enough hell for me to wish my life with Sweetness never happened. Through the good and the bad, every moment is one that I hold close.

There will be times that I can't stand some features Sweetness has, but those are attributes that make Emily my Sweetness, and I wouldn't trade them for anything. I love every single detail that makes her mine. The day that Sweetness was sick, the day I knew I loved her, was also the day I knew that I would marry her. Sometimes, I wish that I could get down on one knee and ask her. The day that Sweetness becomes my wife will be the highlight of my life. My life will be complete.

Often, I wonder what is keeping me from asking her. We wouldn't have to get married right away. I want her and everyone else to know just one thing. She's mine. I already have the ring too. Now, the only thing left for me to do is plan the perfect proposal.

Deep down, hidden in the depths of my soul that I will never allow Sweetness to see, is a scared Jake. A Jake who doesn't want to tie Sweetness down in case she happens to fall in love with someone else and is happier with him. A Jake who would like nothing more than to marry her right this second, but won't ask because he doesn't want to be rejected. Even if she loves him, it doesn't guarantee a yes.

Before I realize it, I've sighed and Emily's brown eyes are peering at me from under those beautiful, long eyelashes.

"What's the matter?"

Emily bites her lip and a dash of anger runs through me. Her first instinct is to assume she has done something to upset me. She is worrying over something she might have done. Resting my head against hers, I go to speak, but Emily does instead. She wasn't worried about me, but something else. It seems she has been doing a bit of thinking herself.

"What do you want?"

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"In life. What do you want? Besides going to the NHL, what do you want from life?"

"Besides that, I have everything I want."

I expect to see a flicker of confusion in Emily's eyes, wondering if she is included in that. My heart pulses with pride. Sweetness is no longer wondering if she is included. Finally, she has taken my words to heart. Her eyes gleam and her smile widens.

"I'm serious," she half laughs.

"So am I."

"You know what I think?"

"What?" I ask.

"I think you are filling my head with fibs. There has to be more to life that you want."

"I would never lie to you, Sweetness."

"Then answer me this," she interrupts.

I wait for her question patiently while she seems to be mulling it over. Turning her head, she looks at me. "What would your life be like if we were never paired together? Did you even know I existed before that?"

Her voice strained on that last question, and I can tell this is something to which she needs an answer. While worry fills her eyes, there is also a line of determination. She is going to make sure I tell her the truth. All the words I can say run around in my mind. I want to choose the right words to make sure she believes every one.

"I noticed you. I knew you existed, Sweetness. You want to know what my life would be like? My life would be filled with less laughter, fewer smiles, and heartache. I would still be struggling with my mom's death and my dad's drinking. I would be missing out on this love. Our love. Falling in love with you has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. I mean that, Sweetness. Don't you ever forget that you, and you alone, are my heart.

"Forever will I be wishing for more time with you. I'll wish for you and everything that you are. Do you know how much you mean to me, Sweetness?" She nods, but I must tell her. "You are my heart. You make it beat and keep me alive. When I can go no further, you pulse with life and push me forward. Sweetness, I would be a lifeless body without you."

Returning to her relaxed place, I feel her ribcage moving slowly as she struggles to contain herself. "I would still…"

"Ssh. Don't go there, Sweetness."

My hands run up and down her arms, which could easily circle her small arms. Movies play on the screen of the television, but neither of us are watching. Our eyes may be focused on the screen, but our minds are elsewhere. Mine is focused on what Emily could be thinking right now. Is she still stuck on the 'what if' of her past? I can only imagine what is running through her mind.

“Sweetness?”

“
Mm?” The sound appears as if she may be half asleep.

“
I love you.” I was going to ask her if she was okay, but different words flew from my mouth.

“
I love you too, Jake.” She hesitates, but looks up at me. “Have I told you recently just how much I love you?”

Her hesitation threw me. Why was she delaying that question? Before I could answer, she spoke.

“What’s wrong?”

“
Nothing. How about you show me instead?” I tilt my head and kiss her neck slowly.

3

Emily

Jake's kiss is tender, his tongue swirls in circles, and he gently sucks. My head leans to the left to grant him more access. I turn around and straddle him, running my hands over the soft fabric of his shirt. Honestly, I don’t feel like having sex. Today, I just want to cuddle and adorn Jake with kisses. Finding my favorite place, I kiss Jake’s neck here and there before resting my head on his shoulder.

“
I love you,” I repeat, my lips brushing his skin. I can’t believe it but I actually want Jake to ask me what’s the matter. If I’m being honest with myself, the thought of Jake leaving has me terrified. Maybe I’m overreacting. He's been my life for a while, and he's always nearby. This it will be the first time we will be so far away from one another and the thought has my heart beating entirely too fast with fear.

“
Sweetness,” Jake’s voice is soft, “My world revolves around you. Mind telling me what’s worrying you?”

I don’t answer. Not right away.

“Is it my trip?”

I nod into his neck, feeling serious separation anxiety coming. He can't leave. What if I need him? He won't be here. Carefully, Jake speaks his next words, dragging me away from my raging thoughts.

“I can’t read your mind, Emily. Tell me what’s going on.”

I’ve grown to hate when he calls me Emily. It usually means he is either mad at me, upset with me, or both. Sometimes, I feel as if he gets tired of my constant worrying. He probably gets tired of my thinking this way too. I just can't help it sometimes.

“It’s nothing.”

“
Emily,” he starts, but I cut him off.

“
Don’t call me that. It’s never good when you call me by name.”

He has the nerve to laugh. However, he arms squeeze tightly around me.

“I’m sorry.
Sweetness
, what’s going on?”

“
I’m just worried.”

“
About what?”

“
What if I need you? You’ll be in a different country!”

“
You’ll be with Conrad, remember?”

I can hear the smirk on his face. I sit up, confirm the smirk, and hit his arm. “That’s not funny,” I declare as a chuckle ripples through him.

“I’m sorry.” His hands rest on my hips. “Tell me and I’ll be serious about it.”

“
It’s nothing.” I shake my head. It is nothing worth worrying about, I decide.

“
Are you sure? I’m listening.”

“
I’m just going to miss you, is all.”

“
It’ll be over before you know it.”

I sure hope so.

The week flies by. Drake calls almost constantly to ask when I’ll be home. That is definitely one thing I’m looking forward to. Not to mention that I called Conrad yesterday. He sounded really happy, which in turn made me happy. I was surprised when he asked to speak with Jake. Who knows what was said during that conversation?

Standing inside the airport, Jake’s arms around my waist, I’m scared. More than scared. My gut is screaming out; my heart is throwing a temper tantrum, telling me that Jake shouldn’t leave. I can’t stop him though, and I don't want to make him stay. He deserves this so much. Jake, never to miss anything, asks once again what’s wrong.

“Nothing. You better go. I don’t want you to miss your flight.”

“
I’m not going anywhere until you tell me what’s going on. Sweetness, if this is too much for you, I’ll stay.”

“
No. Of course, it isn’t. Nothing’s wrong. Give me a goodbye kiss and get your butt on that plane.”

“
It’s not goodbye. I’ll be back, Sweetness.”

He leans down, taking his time, holding his lips just centimeters from my own. Jake’s breath escapes from his mouth and feathers my lips, the minty smell of his toothpaste rising to my nose. We stand there, looking at one another with our lips barely touching, waiting for the other to give in. Of course, as I’m sure Jake knows, I give in first.

My lips crush Jake’s as my arms wrap around his neck. I make it worth my while. I’m not going to see him for two whole weeks after all. My eyes well with tears at the thought. Stop. I’m not going to do this in front of Jake. The kiss ends too quickly, and I hug Jake as if I’m never going to see him again.

“
I love you,” he whispers into my hair.

“
I love you too.”

I release him from my hold and watch as he picks up his bag, walking away. He looks back once before he goes through security. I give a small wave, hoping that he can’t see the tears falling from my eyes. It's more tears of fear over the fact that he's leaving for two weeks. I'm terrified of being without him, even for a short period of time. It's something I'll have to get used to though if he makes it in the NHL. Security gets him through quickly, and then he disappears onto the other side of the airport.

I bite my lip, not wanting to leave just yet. With a deep breath, I walk over to a row of seats, claiming one. I sit there for four hours. Jake sends me a text that asks if I made it home safely, and that he was about to board.

I tell him I did and to let me know when he arrived. Maybe I'm just hearing things, but I swear that faintly, I can hear the announcement for his plane to begin boarding. Rising, I walk over to the wide windows and wait. Once I see a plane, possibly Jake’s, climaxing, my heart tells me that it’s time to go. Turning on my heel, I head home.