Always (Bold as Love) (4 page)

7

Emily

With relief passing through, I quickly fall asleep. In the morning, Eve's words echo in my mind. Am I really a train wreck? Do I bring Jake down with me? What if the best thing for us to do is split up? I know that we are suppose to be thinking of all the good times during the rough patches, but what if that's not enough? It's unbearable with Jake being gone so long.

I'm not so sure that I can handle it for longer periods of time. I shouldn't worry about this until it happens, but I can't help it. Will I uproot and move with Jake if he gets drafted and plays with a team out of state? Will he want me to go with him? Maybe it would be best to have a clean break and start anew with someone who would be there for me every day with a normal schedule. Guilt rises within me as my thoughts turn to Conrad.

It's about eight when there's a knock on the door. Mr. Benson wants to drop Drake off. Of course, I don't mind. We are watching Phineas and Ferb when another knock resounds. I go to the door and open it. I see my mother and everything rushes back. The hatred in her voice as she told me that no one could possibly love me. The sneer on her face as I was raped. My body trembles at the onslaught of unwanted memories.

I'm brought to the present as she speaks.

“You haven't changed a bit, Emily.”

I don't give her the chance to say anything else. Terror courses through me as I shut the door and run to my room, locking myself inside. Seeing my mother causes everything in me to break down.

You'll never be good enough.

They are only sleeping with you because I told them too.

You're beyond ugly.

You're worthless. Did you really believe Conrad would stay with you? Any boyfriend you have in the future will only use you for sex.

You haven't changed a bit, Emily...

Oh my goodness. I haven't overcome the damage she caused. This entire time I have been in denial. Jake was simply a way to pretend I was normal. This person that I am today is the same person my mother hated. This is the same person who truly feels unworthy. Seeing her brought all those feelings back to the surface and has made me realize that I can't truly be happy if I don't deal with this.

No wonder I have felt as if something is missing. It's clear that I keep finding ways for Jake and I to be over because deep down, I know that I'm not worthy. I'm not good enough for him. I'm not his best match as a girlfriend and that's why he wouldn't ask me to come with him. Starting with my toes, a numb sensation works it way up my body until that is all I feel. In bed, I lie, waiting for it to pass. All my “hard work” in denying that my mother and her evil deeds existed has exhausted me.
Instantly, my eyes close.

I awake that afternoon to the sound of my door knob turning endlessly.

“
Emily? Open the door, honey.” Immediately, Dad knows something is wrong. I rarely lock my door.

My lips are sealed tightly. If I speak, I'm afraid that voice will return. I can't do that. So my eyes close and I wait for my father to give up, which takes thirty minutes. The day passes by slowly. Dad tries repeatedly to get me to open my door. He evens gets Drake to persuade me. Nothing works.

Not talking to Jake isn't as hard as I thought it would be. I can handle the not talking part. I lived in those shoes for so long, stepping back into them is easy and almost comforting with the familiarity. I leave my room later that night to sneak out and get food and water. The next day comes with my mother's voice screaming in my head over and over that I haven't changed.

“
Hon, are you going to pick Jake up from the airport?”

My alarm clock shows that it's ten in the morning and time to leave to pick up Jake. When I don't respond, Dad's footsteps recede. I don't want to see Jake. He will be so disappointed to discover my setback. But I can't fake it anymore. If I learned anything from my miscarriage, it is that faking only makes it worse. I just need a day or two more to figure out how I'm going to handle this. I have to deal with this. I
want
to be better. Really and truly better. No more faking. I'm done with that.

8

Jake

Here I am, back home after two weeks away, and I’m practically alone. Mike and Drake are waiting for me at baggage claims. The first thing I notice is that Emily's not with them. The second thing is that Mike looks madder than hell.

“
What have you done now, Jake?”

Confusion causes my eyebrows to burrow.

“I swear, sometimes I think y’alls relationship is a bit toxic. Especially for her,” he continues.

“
What are you talking about?”

“
Don't bullshit me, Jake. She's been stuck in her room for two days. You've done something...” he trails off, quite possibly noticing my confusion. “You haven't talked to her? You haven't upset her?”

“
No. She hasn't been answering my calls, but I figured she was just sleeping since it was so late. What's going on?”

“
I think I know,” Drake speaks up quietly.

Mike and I both look down at my little brother.

“I overheard a woman talking to Emily the other morning. She didn't say anything mean to Emily, though. But after that, she locked herself in her room.”

“
Why didn't you mention it before, Drake?” Mike asks.

Drake shrugs. “I was eavesdropping. I didn't want to get in trouble.”

“It had to have been her mom. I need to see her.”

“
Good luck,” Mike answers.

The hour and a half drive from Raleigh feels like five, and I'm glad I was able to get my flight back switched to the Raleigh-Durham airport instead of Charlotte. Sure enough, Emily's door is locked, and she's not talking to anyone. I try and try, but no answer. There's no sound whatsoever coming from the other side of this door. Finally, I ask Mike if he will take Drake to the movies or something, so I can try to get through to Emily with the house empty.

“Sweetness, please open the door. Talk to me.”

Nothing.

After an hour, I sigh in defeat as I take a seat on the floor outside of her door. I hear a click. Have my ears deceived me? Quickly, I stand and slowly turn the knob to find out. The door creaks open. She’s laying in bed on her side, curled up in a ball. I lightly rap on the door twice to let her know that I'm coming in.

Without looking, she says in that quiet voice I hoped I would never hear again, “Shouldn’t you be at home?”

“I should be wherever you are.”

“
Don’t be all nice and sweet, Jake. I would like for you to stay away for a bit.”

“
Well, that’s not going to happen,” I say as I crawl into bed behind her and cuddle. Maybe she means to, maybe she doesn’t, but either way it makes me happy when she leans into me.

“
I’m sorry,” I say as my lips brush her neck.

“
For?” Before I can answer, she's talking. “I want to be mad. I want to be mad at you. I am furious with you actually.”

“
Why?”

“
Can you please not touch me?”

Taken aback, I reluctantly slide away from her and see her relax.

“I'm sorry,” she begins. “
It's all been a lie. I'm sorry, but when you came along and started making me do things, making me return to the old me, I couldn't pass up the chance to be normal again. Or at least pretend to be.”

“
What are you saying?”

“
I'm saying that I'm not over what happened with my mom. I'm saying that it still bothers me greatly. You were my escape from my past and with everything that has happened and my mom coming back, it's over. I'm sorry. I used you. It's time I face reality, Jake.”

“
What's over? Us? Just talk to me, Sweetness. It'll be okay.”

“
No, it won't. Don't you get that I used you? Aren't you mad with me?”

“
I could never be so mad with you that I no longer want you, Sweetness. Are you saying that you don't really love me? That our entire relationship means nothing to you?” She couldn't say that. She couldn't mean it if she did say it. Emily is my everything. She can't mean that. I don't know what I can do to help her anymore.

“
No,” she answers quickly and I'm instantly relieved. “I fell in love with you. That was and still is entirely real. Eve was right, though. Whether you see it or not, I'm a train wreck. I don't want to drag you down with me, Jake. What am I going to do?”

Still, Emily is facing away from me. Hesitantly, I pull her against my chest and say, “Have you considered therapy?” Her back goes rigid against my chest.
“I missed you,” my voice comes out deeper than usual.

Sweetness says, “I missed you too. Can we just lay together before we start with all the serious stuff?”

“Absolutely.”

She rolls over and buries her face in the crook of my neck. Her arms wrap around me, and she squeezes tightly. Her silence only lasts but so long before she feels the need to break it.

“Is it okay that I rather go to therapy than talk to you about it?” By her tone, therapy is not something she wants to do, but she'd rather do that than talk to me.

“
Whatever makes you feel better. Can I ask a question? Why now?”

Still speaking into my neck, she tells me why. “Mom showed up and her first words to me were that I haven't changed at all. Everything just broke down after that. Plus, you weren't here to keep me together. I couldn't lean on you and pretend I was okay. Realizing that you were the reason behind my behavior, just proved to me that I was faking it. I don't want to be that way with you anymore.”

“You had your dad worried to death, you know that?”

“
I know.”

Those brown eyes look up at me, and Sweetness bites her bottom lip. I know where her thoughts are going, and it's time for me to put a stop to it.

“If I’ve learned anything over our past, it is that we have to remember the good during the bad. I’d do absolutely anything for you, you know that. Before I met you, hockey and Drake were my life. You, Drake, and hockey are my life now. I want to do what’s best for you and me. Both together and separately. We still have time before anything happens, and you could always come with me. You know that, right? ”

Emily blinks slowly, and I can tell that she’s about to fall asleep.

“I love you so much,” she mumbles, running a hand through my hair, coming to a stop at the base of my neck. Sweetness pulls me to her and gives me a sweet kiss, seducing us both as we physically express our feelings before leaning her head on the fluffy pillow and falling asleep.

9

Emily

It’s four in the afternoon when Jake wakes me. Goodness gracious, it feels so good to be back in Jake’s arms. Dad is still out with Drake so it’s just the two of us. Well, it was. Faintly, I hear a rapid knocking on the front door. Easing out of bed, I walk down the hall and swing open the door. My jaw drops about ten feet at the sight before me.

My mother.

My hand tightly grips the door as anger washes through me at the nerve she has to show up here again. Before I can say anything, she holds up her hands in surrender.

“
We need to talk.”

“
Excuse me?” I can’t take my eyes off her. She looks exactly as I remember.

“
Sweetness?”

I can’t even turn around. Words are stuck in my throat as I feel Jake’s stiff body behind me. He obviously sees the resemblance. Jake’s arms wrap around my waist protectively and he leans down to whisper in my ear, my mother watching every move.

“You okay?”

My answer is to shut the door. My mom stops me about half way when her pleading voice begs me to stop. I hate myself when I do.

“What do you want?” I spit like venom.

“
I told you. We need to talk.”

“
Talk.” 

“
I was hoping I could come in.”

The woman has lost her mind.

“No,” Jake and I say at the same time.

“
Fine. I came to tell you that I’m sorry. Truly sorry. I’m better mentally now.”

“
What made you change your mind?”

With a deep breath, she says, “I have cancer.”

After all these years, my first instinct is to trust her. Jake’s gentle squeeze brings me back to Earth.

“
Yeah, right. Well, die slowly.”

This time, I do slam the door in her face. Walking away from Jake, I return to my room and lay down in my bed. What if my mother isn’t lying? What if she really has cancer? What then? It doesn't make a difference since she's just now gaining a conscience, right? She didn't say that she changed her mind because she felt bad. She's sorry because she's going to die. I'm ill and upset at the same time, unsure of which should take over.

Jake motions for me to scoot over. After he has crawled into bed beside me, I rest against him, my arm lying across his stomach. The covers are bunched under my arm, and it’s annoying me. So much so that I huff in frustration and throw the blankets completely off.

Tears splash onto Jake’s shirt like big droplets of rain. You know, the huge fat ones that leave a tiny pond. Those teardrops of rain that join forces to flood an anthill. That’s the kind of tears that fall from my eyes, soaking Jake’s shirt quickly.

“Ssh. It’s okay, Sweetness.”

I’m choking on air, the words cramming together in my throat are getting ready to pour from my lips, gliding off my tongue in such a manner that I might as well be throwing them up.

“I d-don’t kn-now what to do,” I sob.

“
Ssh. Quit crying, Sweetness.”

Hiccups take over and slowly, my crying fit is over. An overwhelming sense of pure fatigue takes over, and before I can even say anything, I’m asleep.