Always Loving You (8 page)

He’d made it his job after leaving the military to spend as much time with her as possible. They’d grown as close as she would allow and sometimes he would catch her looking at him with something akin to longing in her eyes. Those times broke him apart because he felt exactly the same need for her. Then the walls would go back up and she’d bring some random man in for the night and effectively put him back in his place. Thus, the cycle continued for years with only the one kiss that he’d attempted to initiate before he’d officially decided to move on with his life.

Now he had a couple of hours to go home and relax before meeting Gwen. He felt sure the conflict that was raging inside him would be obvious to anyone who cared enough to look. He only hoped that Gwen would attribute it to something other than Ava. She had already questioned the relationship between them more than once. He knew that Gwen would be doubly suspicious after his actions in the parking garage when they’d run into Dominic and Ava as they were leaving on Dom’s bike. Yeah, for someone normally so calm and cool, he seemed to be misfiring at every corner lately.

Ava fought the urge to cover her chest with her hands as she walked toward the entrance of Danvers International on Monday morning. She was wearing one of the new outfits that she had recently purchased and it was more formfitting than she was comfortable with. The Indian blue silk wrap dress molded to her slim figure as if it had been made just for her. The neckline, while still being modest enough for work, showed a hint of cleavage. Actually, it took her modest-sized girls, as Emma called them, and made them appear almost voluptuous. The hemline ended just above her knees, showing more tanned leg than she normally displayed.

She had left her long blond hair loose, and it hung down her back in waves. She had been surprised to catch more than one man staring at her as she made her way through the parking garage. When she heard a whistle from behind, she sped up, trying to reach the safety of the building. She was almost to the door when she heard male laughter then a familiar voice. “Ava Stone, what a vision you are this morning.”

Whirling around, she gasped in relief when she saw
the admiring eyes of Mark DeSanto. Mark’s company, the DeSanto Group, had been a partner in some projects with Brant and Ava’s previous company. Through them, Mark was now working on some projects with Jason and Danvers International. One night, after one too many drinks, she had found herself back at Mark’s home. Things had been fine until he had playfully held her arms above her head as he’d kissed her. Ava had completely freaked out then. She had had some small panic attacks before, but that one had been epic. Poor Mark had been on the verge of dialing 911 before finally handing her a bag to breathe in. Afterward, she had explained some of her past trauma and he had understood. Mark didn’t do girlfriends, but in that moment, he had decided to make an allowance for having a woman as strictly a friend. He was a great man but seemed to have just as many issues with intimacy as she did. He didn’t talk about his past, but Ava had a feeling there was a story there.

Thanks to their odd friendship of sorts, she felt herself relax. When you freak out while trying to have sex with someone, there isn’t a lot left that you can do to embarrass yourself in front of him. In a weird way, it had made friendship between a man and woman almost pressure free. “Mark, I didn’t know you were back in town.”

Mark curled an arm around her waist before dropping a kiss on her cheek. Still holding on to her, he pulled back slightly, running his gaze along her from head to toe. “Wow, look at you, my beauty. I was sitting
in my car when I saw you walk by. I was obsessed with watching your hips sway before I realized it was you.”

Ava felt her cheeks color slightly at his words. She knew him well enough to know that he actually meant he was staring at her ass and thinking about picking her up before he recognized her and knew it was futile. “Er . . . thanks . . . I think. So, where have you been?” she asked as they stepped into the lobby.

With a wolfish grin, he said, “Ah, you know . . . around. Enough about me, though. Whatever has happened to my little dove? You’ve turned into something far more exotic since I’ve been away, and I’m intrigued.” Before she could answer, the lobby doors opened near them, and she saw Mac striding in. She almost swallowed her tongue when his gaze immediately went to her before passing by and then coming abruptly back. If she had wanted his attention today, she had it. His mouth thinned as he took in the arm that Mark still had curved casually around her waist. She could almost see the internal debate raging within him before he walked over to them.

“Ava, DeSanto.”

Without dropping his arm, Mark extended his other hand, saying, “Mac, good to see you again, buddy.” Ava knew that Mark had joined her brothers and Mac for drinks on several occasions. Mark didn’t seem the type to ever forget a name or a face, and he made no reaction to the frown Mac was directing his way as he returned the handshake. With a devious curl of his lips, Mark pointed to her, then back to Mac. “I was just
telling Ava that she looked beautiful today. Just like a ripe, juicy peach, wouldn’t you agree?”

Almost as if on cue, Ava saw the tic in Mac’s jaw. She’d heard of a nervous tic, but apparently Mac had an angry one. She’d never noticed it before, but he’d also never seemed as angry around her in the past as he was now. She only hoped that was a good sign.

“She always looks beautiful,” Mac said gruffly. Mark looked strangely pleased with Mac’s answer for some reason that she couldn’t fathom. He knew a lot of the history there, so maybe he had decided to try his hand at matchmaker as well. That probably wasn’t a great idea, as she already had help from Dominic. She didn’t want to go from looking desirable to other men to just downright slutty. Her mind had drifted for a moment when Mac jerked her back to the present by asking, “Can I talk to you for a minute, Avie?”

Mark took the cue, giving her arm a brief squeeze before saying, “I have an early meeting with Jason. Ava, let’s have lunch one day this week, okay?” She nodded in agreement before he walked toward the elevators. The receptionist looked thrilled when he said hello as he passed. Mark was a handsome man and the expensive suit that he wore only added to his allure.

“If you’re finished staring, we can grab a coffee on the way up.” She turned to Mac in surprise, noting that he looked miffed. He pointed toward the cafeteria before asking, “Is he why you’re dressed up today?”

She stopped in her tracks and turned to face him. “Of course not. I didn’t even know he was back.”

He looked doubtful for a moment before saying, “For Dominic, then?”

Now he was just starting to annoy her. So maybe her sudden association with Dominic looked a little suspicious. Did he really think that she would profess to have feelings for him yesterday while chasing after every other man in sight? Somehow she had thought that after years of friendship, his opinion of her might be a little higher than that. She stepped right up in his face, with only a few inches separating them, and said through gritted teeth, “Did you maybe think, for even a minute, that I wore this dress today for you? So maybe
you
would think I look pretty?”

Suddenly, Gage appeared over Mac’s shoulder holding a steaming cup of coffee and a donut. He gave her a sexy grin before freezing in place. “Holy shit, Ava?”

Ava wanted to laugh at the look of shock on Gage’s face. Then she had a sobering thought. She must look rather bad every day in her usual attire for the men around her to be so amazed by her appearance today. “Good morning, Gage.”

The other man took a bite of his donut while continuing to look at her in fascination. “Honey, you look hot as the fires of—”

Before he could finish his sentence, Mac turned to glower at him. “Don’t you have somewhere else to be?”

Gage wiggled his eyebrows, saying, “No, actually I don’t, but you might want to consider it.” At Mac’s look of inquiry, Gage added, “Your girlfriend is in the cafeteria. Things look a little intense between you and
your BFF here, so just a suggestion.” He took the last bite of his donut and wiped his hands down his thighs before stepping forward to extend his arm to Ava. “How would you like to make my day and let me escort you to your floor?”

Ava felt a stab to the heart as Mac’s mouth twisted when she reluctantly took Gage’s proffered arm, but he didn’t object. He stood there still as stone and let her walk away so that he could wait for Gwen. She tried to laugh at Gage’s jokes, but her heart just wasn’t in it. When they reached her floor, she turned to smile. “Thanks, Gage. I think I’ve got it from here.”

Instead of letting her walk off, his words stopped her. “What’re you doing, little one?”

“Er . . . going to my office?”

He gave her his usual lazy grin, but she could see a touch of seriousness that wasn’t usually present. “Big picture, sweetheart. You got my boy tied up in knots again.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she protested.

“Ah, come on, Ava. I like you, I always have. You’re smart, pretty as hell, and a real class act. If not for the fact that Mac would kill me, I’d have asked you out myself. But we all know how he feels about you, and none of us would ever disrespect that. Now, I don’t know what’s going on with Dom and you, but I damn sure know it’s not sexual. Our brotherhood always comes before women.”

Holding up a hand, Ava warned, “I swear if you say something like bros before hoes, I’ll hurt you!”

Gage sputtered, choking on his laughter. “I’m not that crazy, honey. That’s strictly a man-to-man quote there. Sounds damn funny coming from your lips, though. What I’m trying to say is whatever you’ve got going on, it had better be for real. Don’t be trying to go after Mac just because you’re jealous of Gwen.”

Finding Gage’s honesty oddly touching, she felt the need to be straight with him as well. “So I should just let him go with Gwen and give up. Is that what you’re saying?”

Shaking his head, he said, “Well, hell no, that’s not what I’m saying. If you really love Mac, then go after him. Just make sure it’s for all the right reasons. No retreat, little one. Balls to the wall all the way.” At her look of disgust, he added quickly, “Boobs to the wall? That work better for you?”

She put her hand over her mouth, smothering a grin, as he turned to walk off.

She was still grinning when Emma walked up, saying, “Did that hot hunk of male studliness just say ‘boobs to the wall’?” At her nod, Emma moaned. “God, if your brother hadn’t already completely taken care of me this morning, I’d be following that man like a dog in heat right about now.”

Ava looked around quickly, relieved that no one else had witnessed either Gage’s audacious comment or Emma’s sexually charged response. Thankfully, the hallway was clear as she turned and walked to her office door, trailed closely by Emma. “Can you please not talk about Brant and sex? Didn’t we set boundaries about that?”

“I know, I know.” Emma mimicked her words. “I can mention sexual thoughts about your brother on every third Friday of the month. If Ella comes into the office, under no circumstances are we to talk about Declan or Brant naked in any way. That doesn’t cover Gage, though. So, what was that man talking about?”

“You’re impossible,” Ava groaned as she walked through Emma’s office and into her own. She took a few moments to give Emma a run-through on what had happened with Mac yesterday and then this morning.

When she was finished, the other woman looked as though she was deep in thought for a moment before asking, “So, what’s next on your list? By the way, you look awesome in that dress. I bet Mac almost swallowed his tongue when he saw you.”

“Um . . . thanks. I’m not sure what’s next, though. I need to give it some thought.”

Looking excited, Emma ran to her desk and picked up a piece of paper, waving it in the air. “I’ve got ya covered. I saw this on the bulletin board at the grocery store last night and thought of you.”

Ava took the paper from Emma’s hands. Her eyes widened as she read the large print:
LEARN TO HANG GLIDE
. “Are you crazy! I can’t do that. People end up plastered on the sides of mountains or buildings doing that.”

Emma giggled, holding up a hand and waggling a finger at her. “No, no, that’s the beauty of the whole thing. You don’t actually have to go through with it. You can go for the free seminar they’re offering. Mac
usually makes his rounds in the evening before he leaves Danvers, so I’ll get Ella or one of the other girls to join me in a fake conversation about your newest hobby so that Mac can overhear. I’ll make it sound really good and dangerous. That should be enough to push him off the deep end without you having to actually break your neck. Whatcha think?”

Staring at her future sister-in-law, Ava felt a grudging admiration for her deception skills. She was both impressive and scary sometimes. Poor Brant, he would never be able to sleep with both eyes closed again. “That’s not bad,” she admitted. “It would be nice to have one new fearless sport that I didn’t really have to fear.”

“Cool!” Emma enthused. “Because I already signed you up online. Your class is on Wednesday at seven. That gives me a couple of days to give Mac the four-one-one on your new death wish.”

Ava grimaced but gave a resigned smile. Even if it seemed crazy, she was at her best when she had some kind of plan in place. Just as a backup, though, she vowed to hit the store at lunch and buy another armful of magazines. She had a feeling that she was going to need new ideas . . . fast.

“I’d love to be your partner, gorgeous. It would be my pleasure to help you get into a harness.” Ava cringed as the man sitting next to her in her hang gliding class continued to spray her with verbal diarrhea. From the moment she had taken her seat an hour ago, he had attached himself firmly to her side, and no matter how much she tried to deter him, nothing seemed to work. He was starting to make her uncomfortable as some of his comments veered toward being sexual and inappropriate.

Aggressive men, especially strangers, tended to throw her back to a dark place in her life, and she felt her pulse quicken as the man trailed a fingertip down her arm. She jerked away, giving him a frown and turning her body sideways to escape the unwanted attention. Just when she thought she would be forced to flee before the class ended, the instructor called an end to the evening and Ava bolted out of her seat. When the man followed her out of the room and into the parking lot, she said over her shoulder, “I’ve got to run, my husband is waiting on me at home.” She hoped that if he thought she was married, he’d back off.

His eyes dropped to her hand. “I don’t see a ring on those pretty fingers. It looks like someone likes the chase.” Moving so that he was blocking her car door, he stared at her breasts, making her feel sick.

“Plea-please,” she stuttered. “I’ve got to go.” She felt herself going into full-blown panic mode. All she could remember was what had happened to her last time, so many years ago, when another man hadn’t taken no for an answer. In the moment, she was reduced to a teenage girl again at the mercy of someone bigger than her. As she was backing away, a cab pulled up to the curb and without thinking, Ava turned and ran toward it. She heard someone yelling behind her, but she didn’t turn.

“You call for a cab, miss?” the driver asked as she huddled in the middle of the backseat.

“Ye-yes.” She gave him her address and sat trembling on the seat. When they pulled up in front of her apartment, she looked around for her purse before realizing that she must have dropped it somewhere. Oh God, she didn’t have money to pay her cab fare. Digging through her pockets, she was relieved that she had stuck her keys in them instead of in her bag. “I . . . eh . . . Could you wait here while I go inside for money? I don’t have my bag.”

The cabdriver looked at her for a moment before giving her a kind smile. “Don’t worry about it. You look like you’ve had a hard night. Just pay it forward sometime.” Ava felt tears well in her eyes at the kindness she saw on his face. She thanked him profusely before turning across the expanse of concrete with her
arms hugged tightly around her body. She was lost in her own thoughts when someone grabbed her arm and swung her around. Suddenly, the face that she had run from only moments ago was back and abject terror tore through her. Her head started spinning and it was only a moment later that darkness descended to claim and protect her.

*   *   *

Mac had just opened his door to find Gwen unexpectedly standing on his doorstep when his phone rang. He motioned Gwen inside uneasily, noticing that she seemed to be dressed a littler sexier than usual. “Just a second,” he said while he hit the call button on his phone. “What’s up, Jeff?”

“Mac, I’ve got a problem here, and I don’t know what to do about it.” Jeff worked part-time surveillance for East Coast and was filling in for one of his regular guys this week. He should be in the middle of making rounds to various locations throughout the city now.

“What’s the problem?” he asked, not expecting anything major.

“It’s Miss Stone. She had just arrived home when I got here to check around her place as usual, but then some guy stopped her in the parking lot, and before I could walk over to find out if she needed assistance, she just collapsed. I had the security guard at the complex detain the man until we find out what is going on.”

Fear gripped Mac as he started hunting for his keys on the entryway table. All he could think about was that Ava was hurt and he needed to get to her. “Where is she now?” he growled.

“I carried her into the clubhouse here. The manager called one of the residents who’s a doctor and he’s checking her over. She’s starting to come back around now, but she took a pretty hard lick when she hit the pavement.”

“I’m on my way,” Mac bit out. “Don’t take your eyes off her until I get there, got it?” Without waiting for the other man’s answer, Mac was racing out the door when Gwen grabbed his arm. He tried to shake her off, desperate to reach Ava, but she was stronger than she looked.

“Mac, what’s going on? Has something happened to your mother?”

“No,” he said, not taking any time to elaborate. He was irritated that she was slowing him down and his usual patience and good manners had deserted him. “Listen, Gwen, I’ve got to go. Shut the door behind you.” With those words, he was gone without sparing her another thought.

He made it across town in record time, pulling in front of Ava’s building in less than fifteen minutes, even with the heavy evening traffic. Scanning the area, he saw Jeff waving at him from the doorway of a small building near the swimming pool. As he drew closer, Jeff held the door for him. “She’s in here. She wants to go to her apartment, and I’ve barely been able to keep her here. The doctor thought she should go to the hospital to be checked out from the fall and from passing out, but she refuses. Says she just wants to go home. According to the security guard, the guy who was talking to her before she passed out was from her hang gliding group.
Said she dropped her purse in the parking lot, and he was just bringing it back to her. We got his information but let him go. Seemed harmless enough.”

As if sensing he was near, Ava swung her head around from where she was sitting on the couch in the corner, and Mac’s heart slammed as tears welled in her big eyes. What the fuck had happened to her? She got up on shaky legs and propelled herself toward him. His arms opened automatically to embrace her as she clung to him with sobs shaking her small frame. “Oh, baby,” he whispered against the top of her head, “what happened?”

Trembling, she said, “Please take me to my apartment. I want to get out of here.” Without thinking, Mac swung her up in his arms and took the flight of stairs up to her place. He had to set her back on her feet so she could fish the keys from her pocket and open the door. As soon as she was across the threshold, she turned back to him. He picked her up again before settling them both on her couch.

Mac let her breathing quiet and her body relax before asking quietly, “Baby, what happened? Are you sick?” He felt her shake her head against his neck. He rubbed his hand soothingly up and down her back, letting her know that he had her.

“I got scared,” she mumbled against his throat. “I . . . panicked and started to hyperventilate. It just happened so fast. I couldn’t control it.”

Pulling her away from him, Mac searched her eyes. She still looked so damn shaken. Every protective instinct inside him was roaring. Right now, though, she
needed something to take the edge off. “I’ll be right back, baby. Just sit tight for a minute.” Unwinding her arms from around him, he went into her kitchen and pulled out a bottle of vodka. It would probably burn her windpipe, but it should settle her nerves. He poured a generous measure and took it back to where she was sitting. He wrapped her hands around the glass, helping her raise it to her lips. “Don’t sip, Avie. Throw it back. I know it’s gonna taste like fire, but drink it.” She started gagging on the first sip, but he kept steady pressure on her wrist. After a few more swallows, she had downed the alcohol. He set the glass on the table and pulled her back into his arms. “Better?”

With one last full-body shudder, she nodded and seemed to finally relax against him. “I—I’m sorry. I’m so embarrassed.” She sniffed against his chest.

“Honey, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. I need to know what happened, though. What scared you? Did it have something to do with the man who found your purse?” She answered him haltingly about how the man had made her uncomfortable during her meeting and then he’d followed her out into the parking area, keeping her from getting into her car. She’d been shaken enough to take a taxi home and hadn’t noticed that she’d dropped her purse until she had needed to pay the driver. When she’d found the same man had followed her home, she had been so frightened. “Ah, Avie, I’m sorry. I have the guy’s contact information; I can assure you that I’ll be talking to him.
He’s never to bother you again. According to Jeff, he was pretty shaken up over the whole thing.”

“I . . . I probably overreacted. I just . . . I felt trapped.”

Mac heard the slight slur to her words and knew that the vodka had hit her system. Her words were softer, almost as if she were talking to herself.

“I’ve never been able to let anyone touch me since that night. I tried once, but I couldn’t go through with it.”

Mac was completely confused by the words coming out of her mouth. Ava had had men come and go from her life for years. Hell, he’d read documentation of it in written form from his surveillance guys. Of course, they didn’t go into details, but when a man came home with Ava and didn’t leave until sometime in the morning, it was easy to fill in the blanks. Why was she bothering to lie about it now? It was a little late in the day to try to protect his feelings. “Avie . . . it’s fine. I know you have a sex life. I understand that you don’t want any attachments with the men you—see.”

Her bottom lip wobbled pitifully as she turned to stare at him. “There haven’t been any men, Mac. I’ve been too messed up for that.”

Her denial was starting to upset him. It was bad enough that he’d been forced to live through it, but he damn well hated to be lied to. This whole conversation was cruel and pointless, and he was hanging on to his temper by a thread. He started shifting her aside, ready to distance himself before he snapped at her. “Whatever, let’s just drop this, okay? Are you feeling better now?”

She clung to his large frame, refusing to move away from him. “Why don’t you believe me? I’m trying to finally tell you how screwed up I really am and you don’t believe me,” she cried, obviously frustrated.

He surged up from the couch, causing her to flop backward. “Why are you doing this?” he shouted. “I know you’ve been involved with other men. You have one-night stands with random men. Does it make me happy? Fuck no! Does it piss me off that you’ll sleep with anyone you pick up in a bar? Hell yes! Have you hurt me repeatedly by doing it, yeah, big fucking yes to that! Can we please get off this sudden Miss Innocent act? Because I’m calling bullshit on it all.”

Red stained her cheeks as she gaped up at him. In their time together, he’d always treated her like spun glass. He didn’t ever lose his shit around her. Both of them needed a time-out to process what had happened. He was seconds from apologizing for being an ass to her after she’d had such an upsetting evening when she spoke, sounding suddenly very sober. “I . . . I didn’t mean to tell you like this. But now that I’ve made such a mess of it, I need to come clean with you. Would you—please sit back down for a minute?”

He opened his mouth to deny her request, wanting to go home and lick his wounds in solitude. The pleading look on her face was his undoing, though. He’d never been able to say no to her, and now was no different. Instead of taking the seat he’d recently vacated next to her, he chose the chair across the coffee table. He knew from the slight drop of her shoulders that he had somehow hurt her feelings. “All right, I’m listening.”

She shifted nervously in her seat, before sighing deeply. “Please let me say everything I need to before you comment. I know you’re going to be angry with me, but I need to get this out.” When he nodded his agreement, she locked her eyes on his. “What I said was the truth, Mac; I haven’t had sex since my attack.” She held her hand up to silence him when he would have spoken up. “You promised you’d listen. Anyway, I know that you think I sleep with men on a regular basis. You believe what I’ve wanted you to believe. I’ve felt safe and secure since you started having your guys check in on me daily. I can’t tell you how much that helped me and how much I appreciate you always watching over me, which makes it even harder for me to say what I’m going to say . . .” Looking guilty, she continued. “I wanted . . . to create the illusion that I’m normal. That I can have sexual relationships without having a panic attack. I didn’t want you to know that I’m always alone. I can’t let men close to me because then they’ll see who I am no matter how much I try to hide it.”

When he started to feel light-headed, Mac realized that he had been holding his breath. He was reeling from the verbal punches that she had just landed against his head and his heart. The only response he was capable of making as she sat looking terrified was “And who are you, Ava?”

She didn’t waver as she answered without hesitation, “I’m a mess, Mac. When I’m in the grocery store, I get scared if a man looks at me for too long. I’ve left my cart in the aisle countless times when my mind
convinces me that there’s a threat. I don’t date because the few times I tried, I had a panic attack and didn’t answer the door when they came to pick me up. I don’t have sex because the one time I tried, I hyperventilated until I passed out. And . . . I don’t let myself get close to you because—I love you so much, and I don’t want you to see how pathetic I really am.”

Mac sat staring at her bent head, feeling as if she had taken a sharp knife and gutted him. If he were to believe what she was telling him, then he had suffered through the fires of hell for years while she hid who she really was away from him. He still couldn’t quite believe that she had perpetrated such an elaborate cover to conceal what was going on in her life. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he closed his eyes in pain as he asked, “Who were the men who came home with you, then? Some of them were here all night. How do you explain that?”

“They were college kids that I paid to spend time with me. They did work around the house, watched movies, or played Monopoly.” She gave an embarrassed laugh before catching herself and falling silent once again. When Mac looked over at her, her head was still lowered and she refused to look at him. Somehow that angered him even further. She had ripped his world apart with her words, and she couldn’t do it to his face.