Always Upbeat / All That (5 page)

“Yeah, but football isn't on twenty-four-seven for me, so cheerleading shouldn't be for you either.”

I didn't want to sit there and baby him. However, I sensed his stress. Just when I was about to help him understand I wasn't putting him off, the doorbell rang.

Needing him to deal with it, I quickly said, “I gotta go.”

The senior crew came in, and they had their minds fixed on swimming. It was seven o'clock, and it was still ninety-two degrees. My city was not called Hotlanta for nothing.

“I thought before you guys swim, we could have a quick cheer meeting,” I announced. I got several eyes rolls in my direction. “Okay, fine. You all can swim. I have snacks here too. But in twenty minutes, we're going to have a meeting.”

Well, that didn't go over well. I pushed it back to thirty minutes, but that was my absolute limit. I just kept walking around making sure everyone was having a good time. I was trying to meet girls on the team. I was trying to loosen up. I was trying to be approachable, but they kept doing stupid stuff like running around the pool. What if they hurt themselves? Though my parents had insurance, who wanted to go through that hassle? More importantly, I could not afford to lose a cheerleader for our upcoming training.

We were about to have choreography camp next week, and everyone needed to be healthy. I saw a couple of the girls already eating a few too many hot dogs, so I told them to pull back. They looked at me like I was being rude. But I was just trying to help.

One of the girls on the squad had a really stylish bathing suit on, which was also too small. I went over and said to her, “I changed the size of your uniform order. When it comes in, it was the size that was ordered and not a mistake. We can't have all of our business hanging out, you know.”

I actually hated hearing myself talk like that because it felt like I was my mom, but somebody had to be the adult, the rational one, the leader, and that was me. I went inside to find a whistle because I need to get their attention. I did not have a whistle, but my dad had one. He used to coach my softball team when I was little, and he never threw anything away. I knew exactly where it was in his desk. But as I started to walk back outside from my dad's office, I was surprised to see Whitney talking to Hallie and Eva in the kitchen.

“So this is what you guys wanted as a leader instead of me? I'm telling you, we've got to do something about it, or she's going to drive all of us crazy. Charli's your friend. You need to figure out a way to tell her to chill out, or else we're all going to go to the coach and get her removed.”

Honestly, something I was doing was not working, but then I thought that maybe they were just jealous. Certainly Hallie and Eva would have my back. But maybe I was kidding myself because Eva said, “You're right. We got to do something about her.”

I ducked back inside the office before they saw me. I was losing the team, even though I had gone out of my way to throw them a party. Plus I was doing all I could to make sure they were sharp. I had to think. I had to keep it together. I could not get all emotional and cry and beg for them to like me. It was just tough on them, but like any good solider that makes it through boot camp, they'd appreciate it in the end, or at least I hoped they'd appreciate
me
in the end. Gosh, being a leader was hard.

“You realize I've lost count of how many times this week that you've told me no,” Blake said, a little upset with me when I told him I was going to practice instead of hanging out with him.

“Not because I want to, but we have practice.”

“Well, we're off today. Maybe I'll come up there and watch you.”

“Blake, it's not like you can do that. Coach is strict. Our practice is closed. Plus if you were there, you know I wouldn't be able to concentrate and neither would half of my team because they all think you're fine,” I said, stoking his ego on purpose.

“All right, all right, you got me there,” he said, grinning.

I pleaded, “Let me just get through choreography camp. We're going to have our time.”

“Is it going to be worth my while … all this waiting you're making me do?”

“Yes, yes, yes,” I said, in a sultry, slow voice.

“All right then.”

“Why are you talking to that boy on the phone in that manner?” My mom came into my room, startling me and interrupting the last part of my conversation.

I hung up on Blake. I knew that would get under his skin. But I did hope he heard my mom talking in the background because I didn't want him to be too salty.

“Mom, you don't need to be eavesdropping,” I said, trying to divert her thoughts. Her stern look told me she wasn't going to steer away from the sex talk. “I'm a junior in high school. I have a boyfriend who's committed to me. I mean, honestly, Mom. We haven't talked about this, but I got to keep him.”

“So what does that mean? You are just going to do anything and everything he asks? And where do you think that's going to lead? You give him an inch, and he'll want a mile.”

“I don't understand what that means, Mom.”

“It means that if you're only trying to please Blake, and he doesn't care about your values and morals, then it is never going to be enough. He's always going to want more. You'll get hurt.”

I just wanted to scream, “That's probably why you and Dad are having problems right about now.” But I knew there was no way I could go there with my mom. I did want to keep my two front teeth. However, maybe that's what she needed me to say. Maybe I needed to be real with her and call a spade a spade. Calling a spade a spade were words she used all the time. She needed to be concerned about satisfying her guy because it was obvious that she didn't have a clue. Which didn't give her a lot of credibility in handing out advice about men.

“Why are you looking at me like that, Charli? Like you pity me or something. I am older and wiser and have been where you are about to go. These little boys tell you what you want to hear. You young girls give it up too soon and end up wishing you hadn't or worse—pregnant or with a disease or something.”

Frustrated, I uttered, “Mom, I got to go to practice. I don't want a lecture.”

“Maybe what I need to do is take the keys from you, and then you'll have time to listen to what I have to say. You're getting way too grown-up.”

“Okay, Mom. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm listening,” I said, definitely not wanting my independence to be taken from me. Being rational, I said, “Just so you know, I told Blake I'm not ready.”

“Yeah, but I also heard you on the phone. Actions speak louder than words. It was something in your voice. Something in the way your little body was moving while you were on the telephone. It just makes me think you're getting a little ahead of yourself. And you know what? After practice, come straight home. You're not seeing him tonight.”

“I didn't want to see him tonight, Mom. I'll be dead tired from choreography camp. I'm with you. I've got big dreams ahead. I'm not going to mess up my life. It's all good, okay?” I looked at my watch. “Can I go now, please? I don't want to be late.”

She stuck out her cheek for me to kiss. “Bye,” she said.

I met Eva at the door to the gym twenty minutes later. “Somebody's not so early to practice today,” she smirked.

“I'm not in charge today since we have a choreographer,” I uttered, wanting her to know if I had other duties I would have been there earlier.

“Good,” she said, clearly alluding to the fact that she was sick of my leadership.

I didn't even want to respond because I owed her no apology. I owed none of them any apologies. I was doing what was necessary. I was doing what was right. I was doing what they needed, and she just needed to deal with it.

The choreographer was hip, and after she gave us her background, I was really impressed. She was straight from New York, and had hip-hop, classical, jazz, and tap training.

“Everyone, I'm Brenda Bill. I'm only here for two days. The routine is super tough, and I don't go at a kindergartner's pace. If you keep your lips closed, your eyes on me, and your feet moving, you can get this. We'll add the music to it after we're done. Hands up in the air, clap, clap, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.”

She went down. She turned around. She jumped in the air. She stepped back and then she repeated the eight-count. On the third time, I had the dance. Everyone else was looking as if they were in preschool and the routine she was doing was for college girls.

“Okay, okay, hold up, hold up,” Brenda said, frowning at the other girls' awful adaptation of her routine. She pointed to me. “What's your name?”

“Charli.”

Brenda came over to me and patted me on the back. “Everyone needs to be dancing like Charli. Her movements are on point. Watch her. Go, Charli.”

I started doing the eight-count.

“Perfect precision!” she turned to everyone else. “I can't keep stopping. You guys are going to have to work on this on your own. I have got to keep moving. Maybe you can get with Charli if you don't have it on your own time.”

As the day went on, I was the only one who had the routine down. The next day was more of the same. I tried to get with girls offline, but they said they had it. They recorded Brenda on their phones. I assumed they went home and practiced. I don't know why they bothered recording her because they came back the second day worse than they were at the end of day one.

When our time with her was over, Brenda called us all in and said, “Thank goodness she's the captain because she's the only one who has it. Straight up, seriously, if you guys are trying to win any competition this year, you are going to have to work like her. Go home, practice, get in front of the mirror, look at yourselves, straighten up, and want this. Be upbeat.”

Brenda went over and talked to Coach Woods. She had to turn in all the formations on a spreadsheet so we would know where we were supposed to go as we practiced. I was left there with a deflated team. They looked like they were all hit in the gut.

To pep them up I said, “This isn't easy, you guys. We all wanted to be on this team. Brenda's right. If we're going to win, we have to give extra. I hate that you guys are mad at me. But instead of hating on me, you need to be hating the pitiful effort you guys were giving. If you had it like I do, we'd be a mile ahead right now and could be sharpening up the routine. As it stands, I'll have to reteach it all next week. It's not my preference to be tough, but I'd rather be tough than pitiful.”

Whitney said, “Eva, you better get your friend.”

Eva shouted out with attitude, “Oh, don't worry. We're definitely doing something because somebody's got the big head.”

S
o Eva, do you have anything you want to say to me? Saying that I have a big head? I mean … really?” I said aloud to someone who I thought was my girl.

“Read whatever into it you want, Charli,” Eva said while her neck rolled back at me.

There's lots of oohs and ahhs going on all around me. I didn't want to have a big blowup with Eva. Honestly, I was tired of her mouth. If she had something to say, we needed to discuss it. So when Brenda came back over to have the team do it one more time, I asked Eva if I could see her offline. I was shocked when she said no. As we did the number, the pep in my step that I'd had over the last two days waned. It was not that I did not know what to do, but in my mind I was so frustrated, so off guard, and so caught off track that my body could not keep up.

Brenda came over to me and said, “Okay, uh … Maybe I bragged on you too soon, Charli Black. I just love your name, though. I think it's so cool. But bring it for me now.”

“You definitely bragged on her too soon,” Whitney said. She had a coy grin, obviously happy I was not perfect.

I dashed to the locker room. My plan of being hard on the team may have backfired on me. The tough skin I thought I had was thinner than I wanted. It was difficult to endure their hard glares and mean stares. All of this was getting to me. Now I understood the phrase, “no man is an island,” because I did not want to be alone. When the team came in to collect their things, that's exactly what I was.

Not even Hallie and Ella were talking to me. What had I done? It actually hurt my heart when I was sitting alone on the bench, feeling a little down, and I knew my crew saw me. But they kept to themselves, laughed a little bit, and headed out without saying anything. With my head bowed, I did not see mean-girl Whitney approaching.

Whitney leaned in my ear and taunted me. “Guess someone is realizing they're not all that after all. You can't treat people like dogs and expect them to worship you.”

“You'd know,” I snapped, knowing that there was no love lost between us. I did not want to let her think that she was getting to me, and though her words did not feel good, I was determined not to break. So I gathered my stuff, headed to my car, and immediately called Blake.

“Where are you, baby? I need to see you,” I said to him, but it was loud in the background.

Blake kept saying, “Hello, hello.”

Usually he knew it was me calling because he could see my name on the caller ID, but he was probably so preoccupied and distracted that he pressed the answer button without looking at the screen. Whatever it was, he did not know it was me. I needed him though, so he had to listen.

I yelled into the receiver. “It's Charli. I wanna come give you a ride. Let's see each other. Where are you?”

“That's not gonna work for me right now. I'm out. I can't hear you. Okay, hit me back a little later. Bye, Charli.” Blake hung up.

When I got home, I dialed Hallie, and she didn't answer. I called Ella, and she didn't respond either. I knew I wasn't calling Eva, so I tried Randal.

“Hey,” I said in a tone that was real sweet. I used it because I didn't want to offend her.

Randal said, “Hey, Charli … um … I can't really talk because I'm about to head out.”

“Cool, y'all going somewhere? I wanna come.”

Randal was timid, but she still was direct. “I'm not driving.”

“I can drive. I know Hallie's car has been having some issues, so I can scoop you guys up.”

“You're on speaker!” Hallie yelled out in the background. “My car's just fine. My dad's a mechanic, remember? He wouldn't have me driving something that was gonna fall apart any minute.”

She and I both knew that wasn't true— I mean her dad
is
a mechanic, and her car is not going to explode. However, that car was a hunk of junk no matter how many parts were replaced. Unless it had been in his shop within the last forty-eight hours, they were taking a chance on it stalling out somewhere.

“I was just saying,” I softly replied, backing away from my last statement.

“What do you want?” Eva called out in haste.

Ticked, I blurted, “Thanks, Randal, for letting me know I'm on speaker.”

“Were you gonna talk about us or something?” Eva questioned.

“No, I don't do that,” I said. “Unlike others I thought I could trust.”

“Oh, true. You don't talk about us or to us until your little feelings get hurt. Then you're calling everybody. Except me because you know I ain't tryna hear it. You better call Blake. Maybe he's got time for you.”

Then I heard laughter in the background. I could not believe they were giggling about this. My life was falling apart, and they thought it was funny.

“All right, fine. See you guys,” I said, fed up.

I wasn't going to beg anybody to hang out with me. They knew I loved them. I might have been a little brash, but that did not mean I did not have feelings, that I did not care about them, and that they should just treat me any old kind of way.

Eva did have a point though. I needed to get with Blake. I needed to be in his arms. I needed him to hold me. I needed him to tell me everything was going to be okay. He had been the captain of his team as a sophomore. He'd been through all this, and I hadn't listened to him before when he was trying to tell me how to respond and how to not be too rough. Now I was definitely going to listen because my way clearly was not working.

The call went straight to his voicemail, so I texted him. Twenty minutes later, I called him again. Fifteen minutes later, I texted him again. He was not calling me back. I knew he needed me over the last few days, and I could not be there. I still did not know what he wanted to discuss. I just hoped I could find him and bond with him in the way he had been waiting for.

I was going nuts pacing back and forth in my room, wondering where in the world was Blake. Why wasn't he picking up my calls? I desperately needed to be with him just like a person who'd been in the desert for days without water longed for a drink. I just needed to speak to him, talk to him, hear his voice, or something. The non-communication was truly unsettling.

I picked up my phone and called him one more time. When his voicemail came on I said, “Blake, this is my tenth time calling or maybe the eleventh. I don't know what's going on. I only know that you're not answering the phone. Where are you? What's wrong?”

Then I decided to just get my keys and go find him. I went into my mom's room to ask if I could head out, but her door was locked. I knocked on it and heard her moaning.

“You okay, Mom?” When she didn't respond I asked, “Is it okay if I head out for a little while? I'll be right back.”

In an upset tone, she said, “Just be careful and make sure you're in this house before eleven-thirty.”

It was nine, but I had to take what I could get, so I said, “Yes, ma'am.”

When I got in Sir Charles, I started thinking as if I was Blake. Where would he be? One place I knew I needed to hit was the bowling alley. Blake and some of his teammates loved going there to talk junk and try to beat each other. It also had a video arcade, laser tag, and it was just a cool place where they liked to hang out. However, his car was nowhere in sight. I didn't even go in to look.

The skating rink was not too far away, but I didn't think he was there, as it was old folk's night. However, I could not rule it out until I got there. But my instincts were right; his car was not there either.

I did an immediate U-turn. While I loved my car to pieces, this was one time I couldn't wait to find his. I wanted him to drive me around in his car, look over at me with his gorgeous eyes, recline in his passenger seat, and allow the moment to sweep us away. Where was he?

Then I drove to the strip where all the restaurants were. I did a double take when I saw my father coming out of a fancy restaurant with a lady I'd never seen. She was laughing, and she had her hands on his back. Quickly, I took both hands off the steering wheel while I clutched my heart. It just started burning. I felt like I could not breathe. It was as if someone was holding me underwater, and I wanted to come up for air. Finally, when I saw him open his car door for her and kiss her hand, I gasped.

I screamed out, “Dad!”

Of course my windows were rolled up, and he could not hear me. This was so unfair. My mom had been fussing with him about something, and I thought it was all her fault. However, no woman makes a man cheat. He could at least have the decency to end it with my mom before he moved on.

As I had seen people do in detective movies and television shows, I followed them. Suddenly, two cars got in front of me, and I lost my father. But I couldn't shake the vision of him kissing someone else. Even though it was a hand, he was smiling too wide for it to be innocent. He was a jerk.

Needing a milkshake, which always made me feel better, I pulled into Zaxby's. I did not want to go in. I needed to find my father and Blake, but I was shaking too much. So I decided to take a break and went inside. But the line was too long, so I went to a booth and sat there.

“You okay, Charli?” a familiar voice said to me. I looked up and was surprised to see Brenton. I could only nod. “You are not all right. I'ma get you some water.”

Before I could say, “No, thank you. I'm all right. I got it.” He had gone and was back. And I was still not all right. I could not even drink the water. He was dressed in a Zaxby's uniform and had a broom in his hand. He sat down on the other side of the booth.

Brenton said, “What's wrong?”

“My life's just falling apart,” I blurted out to my boyfriend's cousin.

Brenton and I went way back to elementary school. We used to be best buddies. When his cousin moved here in the ninth grade with his family, we drifted apart, like fall leaves blowing in the wind. I was his cousin's girl, and I now knew that hanging out with boys wasn't as good as hanging out with my girls. So we just lost touch. Knowing that he cared about me deep down, made me ready to open up.

“It's Blake, huh?” Brenton said.

“What? What do you know? What … what aren't you telling me?”

“I'm just asking. I don't know anything. I haven't even talked to him since practice.”

“I can't find him. But even as scared as I am about what's going on with him and where he is, I got bigger issues right now.”

“I'm listening.”

“I don't understand men. Can you explain that to me, Brenton? Why do you guys cheat?”

Boldly he said, “All men aren't dogs.”

“Yeah, some are snakes.”

“But girls don't want nice guys. They want the popular, crazy dudes.”

“I'm not even talking about girls and boys now. I'm talking about grown men with families.”

“I don't know. I've asked myself that time and time again. My dad left my mom before I was born.”

Wanting to hit myself for not being sensitive, I said, “That's right.”

It was already bad enough that I felt bad. I certainly did not want company in my misery. I remembered hearing that Brenton's father had skipped out before Brenton was born.

“It's cool. Coach, my mom's brother, is a great father figure. He's a good man and husband.”

“Well,” I immediately said, “don't go giving my father any accolades.”

“What? Something's wrong at your house?”

Replaying the awful ordeal over again, I said, “I just saw my dad with another woman.”

“Oh snap,” Brenton said with a frown.

“Maybe I shouldn't have told you that. You won't say anything, right?” I gave Brenton a stern look.

“I never said anything about any of the stuff we shared.” Brenton looked serious.

Finally figuring out where he was going with that comment, I said, “Oh, you mean when you kissed me in the closet in sixth grade?”

“No, when
you
kissed
me
.”

We just laughed. I couldn't believe he had me laughing. My old buddy sure knew what I needed.

Then all of a sudden, I started crying. Brenton came on the other side of the booth and draped his arm around me as my head collapsed on his shoulder. Blake was not answering my calls. He was out doing his thing—his cousin knew it; I knew it. Something just wasn't right. My dad was doing his thing too. My mom was in her room locked away—she knew it; I knew it. Something just wasn't right. My girls were out having a good time, not wanting to hang out with me—they knew it; I knew it. Something just wasn't right. I wasn't clueless, but I had no idea how to stop this wrong.

Sobbing, I said, “I'm so sorry, Brenton. I'm sorry. I'ma mess. I'm crying in your arms. What am I doing? Oh my gosh. Forgive me.”

“No, no. It's okay,” Brenton said. He gave me a comforting squeeze.

I was starting to feel so safe that I had to pull back because it just felt too awkward. I certainly did not want to give Brenton the wrong idea. I did not need to give myself anything extra to think about. When his phone that he had placed on the table started vibrating, I glanced at it and saw Blake's name. Before Brenton even knew what hit him, I answered it.

“What time you getting off work, cuz? You gotta come over to Bay's. The party's slamming.”

I hung up on Blake before Brenton could say anything. Steam was piping from my ears. I was livid! He was partying without me. I had to confront him immediately.

“Why you answer my phone like that?”

“Why are you tryna protect your cousin?” I said to him. “Who is Bay and where does she live?”

“Oh, he went to
that
party,” Brenton said, trying to act like he didn't know.

“Are you going? You guys are about to close.”

“I don't have a car.”

“Problem solved because I've got one.”