Amaranth (18 page)

He started the car, waited for me to put my seatbelt on.
“Bottom line is, I didn’t bring you here just to explain things to you. I
brought you so you could make a decision.”

I snapped my belt into place, wondered where he was taking
me next. “What decision?”

“Whether you’re going to let go of him or not.” He set the
gear to drive, kept his foot on the brake. “Because I really believe whatever
you have with him is worth fighting for, and I owe it to him to try and make
sure he doesn’t lose the one thing he loves in this world.”

I looked at him, absorbed his sincerity. “Love isn’t enough,
Joel.”

“It’s always enough.”

“Not under these circumstances.”

“
Especially
under these
circumstances. Where’s the victory without opposition?” Hitting the gas, he
sped off and led us into the night.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do about work or fall
classes when I go home,” I said to Joel while I rummaged through ancient
editions of books on his shelves. Built into the walls of his small flat, the
white shelves housed almost every classic title imaginable, all organized by
author name. This man took his literature seriously. My respect for his passion
had ignited a slew of conversations about our favorite reads while we lounged
on his worn plaid couch, sipping coffee. How I talked him into drinking some,
I’ll never know. For some reason, he was open to cooperating with me. Maybe it
had something to do with flying me—literally—to London against my will and
holding me captive. Yeah, that was probably it.

I watched him sip the coffee slowly, wondered what it tasted
like for a vampire. “I just hope my boss doesn’t drill me for every single
detail, you know? I don’t have the mental energy for that right now.”

“Then don’t give it to her, she’ll live. I’m sure she can
satisfy her need for some salacious gossip with some of those tabloid magazines
from your store.” He laughed, tossed a copy of
East of
Eden
onto the coffee table. “It’ll be okay. I think it’ll be good for you
to get back and get your mind on other things. I’ll be around, waiting in the
wings, just in case.”

“I appreciate it, but I really don’t think Andrew will try
that
again.”

“Better safe than sorry.”

“What is it with you monsters and your reading materials?
I’ve never met anyone who reads as much as you and Gavin do. Where have you
been all of my life?” As I changed the subject, batted my eyelashes. Relieved I
was able to laugh after the night we’d had, I decided I didn’t want to talk
about going back to normalcy just yet.

“When you live forever, life becomes a tad daunting,” he
retorted, laughing, set his coffee down. “Reading helps pass the time, not to
mention keeps us up with the times. It’s interesting to see how society’s
changed over the centuries.”

“I’d love nothing more than to read all day, every day.”

“Maybe you should try walking in our shoes for a bit.”

“Maybe. That way I’d have the time.” I smiled, reflected on
my workdays, wishing I had more time to dig my nose in the many books I worked
around. “Maybe I was meant to be one of you after all.”

“Don’t joke.”

“Who’s joking?”

“No one chooses this life, Camille. Don’t even talk about it
casually, there’s nothing casual about it.”

“Seriously. Have any of you ever … I mean, has Gavin
mentioned it to you?”

“Changing you?”

“Yeah.” I nodded, sat up on the couch.

He tensed up a bit, looking uncomfortable. “I don’t think
I’m the one to—”

“Yes you are. Tell me.”

“I changed someone. A long time ago. I thought she was the
love of my life.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. Live and learn, I suppose. Anyway, she’s in
Amaranth now. She left many, many years ago. I’ll never change anyone again.
Ever.”

I placed my hand over his, felt the guilt that oozed from
his voice, even after years. “It was her choice though, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah. I guess every now and then, for whatever irrational
reason, someone
does
choose this life. She
begged me for a long time, thought hiding our relationship was getting too
tedious. It was, but there was no other way. Either way we’d have to hide, whether
she was changed or not. We were living against Samira’s rules back then, too.
If we didn’t hide, we both would’ve ended up in Amaranth. Life here becomes too
difficult.”

I thought back to our conversation at La
Boîte
Noire, and how Joel had mentioned Amaranth being a
banishing
.
It still didn’t sound like such a bad place to me. “Is the idea of living there
really so awful? I mean, considering the alternative?”

“For me, yes. Gavin, Gabe and I have considered it over the
years, believe me. But knowing what we know about it, the alternative is,” he
gestured to his tiny living room, “less depressing.”

He stood and grabbed his guitar, then sat back next to me,
strummed it lightly as we talked. “Anyway, you and Gavin aren’t like me and
Arianna. We weren’t meant to be together. Gavin is different. For you, he’s
willing to move heaven and earth to find a way to be with you. He won’t give
up, and he wouldn’t change you. Not in a million years.” He looked out the
window, watched the rain as it dribbled down the sides of the glass. “I made my
decision not to follow Arianna. I have to live with that.”

He stopped strumming and reached over to put his hand on
mine. “What can you live with?”

“I’m not sure.” I grasped his hand. “I know what I
can’t
live with.”

“That’s a start.”

“I can’t go back to Louisiana now, even though it’s my only
option. I can’t go back to that town, back to my little hole-in-the-wall job.
I’ll just be a zombie. It’s not going to be the same without him, and I can’t
live with that.”

He gently sat his guitar down when he saw my tears, scooted
across the couch to wrap me up in his bear arms. I placed my head on his chest
and let myself feel again.

“Then don’t live with it.” He said this softly, held me
tight. “You love him, don’t you?”

“I didn’t plan for it to be this way—”

“Forget plans, Camille. Do you love him?”

“Yes, of course I do.” I looked up at him, frustrated.

“Then stop complicating things.” He squeezed me tighter.
“These were the cards you were dealt, right? As crazy as the cards are, work
with them. Don’t sit around moping about it or trying to get away from it. Work
with what you’ve got.”

I used his shirt to dry my eyes and pulled a bit away from
him. “I don’t know how to do that. And
you
fell
in love with a human, look what happened to you two. The same thing will happen
to Gavin and me. We’ll end up hiding or going to this exile city, it’s
impossible.”

“But regardless of what you two choose, you’ll be together.
That’s what I mean when I say you two are different. Arianna and I couldn’t
agree, couldn’t find any middle ground. Eventually she wanted out of this
world, and I couldn’t bring myself to give it up. We wanted different things.”

He held my chin and looked at me, made me wonder if he was
considering having me for dinner. “You’re right,” he said. “It’s extremely
difficult, either way you decide to go. So why would you decide to take the
difficult road that the one you love won’t be on?”

“You said he wants me to move on.”

“Of course he does. He doesn’t want you to hurt because of him.
But just because he wants you to move on doesn’t mean you can’t wait for him.”
He got up, pulled a blanket from an old cedar chest near the couch and handed
it to me. “You’ve had a rough night. I can take you home in a few hours once
you’ve had some rest, okay?”

“No.” I took the blanket from him and laid it across my lap.
“I can’t sleep.”

“Please, just try.”

“I want to stay for a few days. I’m not ready to go home
yet, I just got here.”

He looked at me, eased back down on the couch. “A few hours
ago you nearly clawed yourself out of the car to get away from me, and now you
want to hang out for a few days.”

“You’re not so bad after all. And besides,” I nodded toward
the window, “it’s raining. I hate flying in the rain.”

He grinned, looked at me in disbelief. “What about your
job?”

“I’ll figure it out. I need a little more time.”

“Well, I brought you here with the hopes that you’d stay for
a little bit. You’re just making my job easier.”

“Maybe I’ll go sightseeing tomorrow. I’ve always wanted to
see London—”

He cleared his throat, stood again. “I can’t have you
gallivanting around this city right now, it’s not safe.”

“I won’t go by myself, you can come with me. You have all
the time in the world, right?” I pleaded with my hands, gave him the puppy dog
eyes.

“All right. I can’t argue with that.” Smiling, he headed for
the door. “I’m going to run out and grab some human food, since you’re going to
be here for a while. I won’t be far.” He slipped into his jacket and picked up
his wallet. “Stay put, kiddo.”

“Okay, thanks.” I listened as he locked the door behind him.

Skimming the bookshelves again to find something to read
myself to sleep, a small brown journal with scribbles and drawings on the cover
caught my eye. I flipped it open, figuring it couldn’t be too personal if it
was left sitting on the shelf. About halfway through, I examined what appeared
to be a journal entry of some sort.

February 3rd, 1890

My Love,

It’s been some time since the crescent moon, yet I find myself
still waiting for your return. Do I entertain such foolish thoughts? I cannot
seem to simply let you fade, even when I am aware your love is my demise. You
should know the men are growing impatient and seemingly restless lately. I am
beginning to wonder what Samira intends to do about it, and I must admit I fear
for our safety. I will continue to wait at the gate every month so that I may
see your warm eyes and hear your wise voice again. Do pray that my head will
catch up with my heart and soon shake me from my naïve deceptions.

Yours in eternity,

Arianna

I immediately shut the book, felt the worn leather binding
with the tips of my fingers. Stepping to the window, I looked past the sheets
of rain that watered the sidewalk and down into the street, suddenly felt like
I’d stumbled upon something intimate. A wave of empathy moved through me, of
feeling for the girl who’d left her love behind. She clearly missed him, and I
sensed the regret in her words. Her longing reminded me of a conversation I had
with my mother when I was younger, not too long after she and my father split
up.

“
That’s the problem with life, you
know
,” she said to me one afternoon, atop the Space Needle. “
Once you know something, you can never
unknow
it. Truth doesn’t let you do that.
” She looked out over Puget Sound and
placed her hands inside her warm coat pockets, her light breath visible against
the gray sky. “
That’s the tragedy of knowledge.
”

I could still see the heaviness in her eyes and hear the
defeat in her voice. She hadn’t said much else to me that afternoon, but when
she finally spoke, I knew exactly what she was referring to—the knowledge of my
father and his string of affairs, the ones that fueled her addictions. She
spent ten years hoping to fight it, stuff it away, or change it. Acceptance
wasn’t an option. I imagined that was how Arianna felt, living with her
decision.

“Camille?” Joel walked in, his long brown hair damp. “You
all right?” He dropped some bags on the kitchen counter and noticed the journal
in my hands, then set his keys down.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pry.” I set the book on the
coffee table and folded my arms, kept my distance from him.

“It’s personal, but not off limits. Don’t worry about it.”

“Let me help you with that,” I said, rushed over to help put
the food away.

“She gave it to me the last time I saw her. In case you were
wondering.”

I placed milk and eggs in the fridge. “It must’ve been
really hard for you, to read those things. I can’t imagine.”

“It was. It
is
.” He tossed
oranges into a big wood bowl, offered me one.

“Thanks.” I began peeling it with my fingers, unable to
concentrate on anything but the sadness in his eyes. “What happened there? In
Amaranth.”

He handed me a knife to cut my orange, plopped onto a
barstool at the counter. “It’s a long story.”

“When are you going to tell me why Gavin’s doing this? The
reason he wants to defeat her. It’s more than just her laws, I know it is.”

He looked at me for a moment, and I stopped cutting my
orange, made sure he had my undivided attention. “There is more to it, isn’t
there?”

“He went because of her laws. If he ends her reign, the
curse will be lifted and we don’t have to live this way anymore.”

“There’s something else. You clearly hate the place, and you
didn’t want Arianna to go there. Tell me why.” I set the knife down and sat on
the stool next to his, leaned in to fix his eyes to mine. “It’s more than you
not wanting to give up your life here. She said she was afraid in that journal.
Please tell me what’s so bad about this place.”

He hung his head for a moment. “I told you he has a plan,
and I just told you the reason. The details are too complicated and I can only
tell you so much.”

“He left me with you not only to protect me, but for you to
explain things to me, remember? How do you expect me to wait around for him to
come back if I don’t know what this is all about? All of you have been trying
to spare me, trying to keep these secrets from me, only giving me bits and
pieces. I’m tired of it.”