Amber Brown Is Green with Envy (2 page)

I like that!

Savannah says, “I don’t get it.”

“Exactly,” Polly explains. “The joke doesn’t make any sense. Dylan will see us laugh and feel stupid that he doesn’t get it. Or he will laugh, and then he’ll feel stupid when we make fun of him for laughing at a joke that makes no sense.”

She whispers, “When he hears the three of us laughing, he’s going to think that he’s missing something, and that will bother him. He’s such a know-it-all.”

We all smile at each other.

“Amber, when he comes in, tell a short joke. That way it will look like that’s what we’ve been doing while he was gone.” Polly looks at the doorway to see if he’s on his way. “Okay, now.”

Dylan rushes in. “I made popcorn, but it’s just for me.”

Sitting down, he shoves a huge handful of it in his mouth and goes, “Yum.”

At least I think it’s “Yum,” because with the wad of popcorn in his mouth and the wet pieces spraying out, I’m not sure of the exact word.

I turn back to Savannah and Polly.

“What’s the longest word in the English language?” I ask, and then yell out loudly, “Smiles! Because there is a MILE between each S…. sMILEs.”

“I EW AT.” More popcorn falls out of his mouth.

“I have a great joke.” Polly leans forward.

Savannah and I pretend to be excited.

She leans down. “Two polar bears are sitting in a bathtub. The first one says, ‘Pass the soap.’ The second one says, ‘No soap. Radio.’”

Immediately Savannah and I look at each other and laugh….. and laugh….. and laugh.

I start rolling around on the floor. “No soap. Radio.”

Savannah rolls also. “No soap. Radio. That is so funny.”

Polly says, “It’s the best joke I’ve heard in years.”

I sneak a look at Dylan.

He’s stopped guzzling popcorn into his mouth.

He looks confused.

Polly looks at him and then talks to him in that older-sister voice. “Dylan. Don’t you get it?”

He just looks at her.

She looks at him. “Dylan. Two polar bears. Bathtub. No soap. Radio. Savannah and Amber are younger than you….. and they get it.”

I roll around some more. “No soap. Radio.”

I sit up and try to catch my breath. “Dylan. Do you want me to explain it to you?”

“No.” He looks annoyed. “You don’t have to. I get it. I just had too much popcorn in
my mouth before. I get it. It’s very funny. No soap. Radio.”

He laughs in a phony way.

Polly, Savannah and I look at each other, clap our hands and laugh even more.

“Sucker,” Savannah yells. “We fooled you. Fool. Fool. Fool.”

Dylan looks at Savannah.

Dylan looks at me.

Then he looks at Polly and says, “What’s so funny?”

“You are.” She smiles at him. “We got you. That really wasn’t a joke. We pretended it was, and you believed us.”

“Funny. Funny. Funny.” Savannah rolls around the floor again.

“Noooooooooooo soap. Radio,” I tease.

“Girls,” he yells. “I hate girls. It was bad enough when I just had my two sisters here….. and now, you too, Amber Brown. It’s like I have three sisters. Ugh. Yug. Barf.”

He stomps out of the room.

We sit there quietly for a minute.

“There’s nothing to do,” Savannah says. “That was fun. Now I’m bored.”

“Maybe we should turn on some music,” Polly says.

I shake my head. “No radio. Soap.”

It is time to make soap.

I just hope that Dylan doesn’t do something to get even.

We’re in the kitchen. It’s Soap-Making Time.

I wonder if the pioneers made soap the same way we will be making it.

We’ve got everything out….. the Gross Soap kit, the molds and extra supplies that my dad and Steve bought for Savannah.

Polly reads the instructions. “This looks simple enough. First melt the wax in a container.”

I, Amber Brown, hold up a plastic measuring cup. “Container ready.”

Polly continues. “Once it’s melted in the microwave, the wax is to go into the molds.”

“Molds.” Savannah holds up some of the plastic molds.

“Choose objects to put into the hot wax once it is in the molds.”

“Gross stuff.” Savannah and I both hold up some of the creepy crawly things that came with the kit.

She’s got a worm and a spider in her hands.

I’ve got a beetle and a cockroach in mine.

I’m glad that they are plastic.

Polly laughs. “I’m putting in some of the other things that the dads bought.” She picks up a little rubber ducky and a mini mermaid.

Somehow I don’t think that the pioneers made soap the way that we are.

I don’t think that they had microwaves in their cabins.

The phone rings. Polly rushes over to pick it up.

I hope that it is Brenda, who is her best friend and my Ambersitter.

It’s not.

I can tell because Polly listens for a minute and then hangs up the phone without saying a word.

She shakes her head. “It’s Dylan, trying to disguise his voice. He just asked if our refrigerator is running and if it is, he thinks that it’s running down the street.”

The phone rings again.

Polly answers it again.

Again, she says nothing and just listens.

Finally she says, “Yes…. I have seen a lamb chop, but not at a karate exhibit…. No, I have not seen salad dressing…. and trying on new clothes…. Dylan, would you just
stop calling? If you want to make soap, come in now…and stop being such a Goofbrain.”

“Doofus,” I say. “He’s a Doofus Goofbrain.”

She hangs up and looks at us. “I’m going downstairs. I bet he’s using the phone in your house, Amber.”

Polly leaves the kitchen.

The phone rings again.

I look at Savannah, who sighs.

I make a face and pick it up. “That’s enough, you Doofusbrain. I don’t want you calling here anymore.”

I stop to hear what Dylan has to say for himself.

“Amber? What’s going on there?” It’s my mother’s voice.

Oooooooops.

“Hi, Mom,” I say. “Are you having fun with Aunt Pam in California?”

“Yes,” she says, “a wonderful time…. BUT…have you been getting bad calls?”

She sounds worried.

“No, Mom,” I tell her. “Dylan’s just been calling and telling dumb jokes…. and he’s driving us crazy.”

“Using your phone?” she asks.

I nod.

“Using your phone?” she repeats. “I tried calling there, but the line is busy.”

I guess she didn’t hear my nod.

“I guess,” I say. “Polly’s gone downstairs to check.”

My mom knows about how it is here at “The Zoo.”

One day, she brought me over to Dad’s house.

She said that she just did it because she
was running some errands in that neighborhood and it would save him the trip to pick me up.

I know that she just did it so that she could check out what my other house was like.

My dad knew too, I think, because he gave her a tour of the two places and introduced her to everyone.

Now I think that she feels a little better about me being at Dad’s house. I mean Dad’s and my house.

And she knows that it is okay to call the Marshalls’ number if no one answers Dad’s phone.

“I just called to say hello,” she says. “I miss you lots.”

“So you are having a wonderful time at Aunt Pam’s?” I ask.

“I am,” she says. “Tomorrow we are going to Disneyland. I really wish that you could be with us….. but I know that you are having fun with your dad.”

My mom. My aunt Pam. Disneyland. California.

I feel bad that I am not there.

I miss her.

I miss seeing Max.

I wonder if he is missing her.

I wonder if he is missing me.

“Amber,” Mom says, “I’ll be back in a few days and then you’ll be back home on New Year’s Day. I can’t wait to see you.”

“I can’t wait to see you either,” I say.

It’s weird. I didn’t think about missing my mom until she called.

I haven’t felt too bad about her being in California and me staying in New Jersey…until now.