Amber Eyes (27 page)

When I was done, I looked into a powder compact little mirror.

“Mirror, mirror in my hand, who—”

Nah! So childish. I cast the mirror on the bed. Two nights before, I’d discovered how wonderful it felt to be a woman so it was time to start acting like one. It didn’t matter if Laura was a los—

My train of thoughts abruptly halted and I pondered my last consideration.

Of course. Laura was the loser, not me.

I hadn’t been the one who had accidentally killed her husband. I hadn’t been the one having an affair with a local cop while still married. I hadn’t been the one bouncing from boyfriend to boyfriend in search of ‘a good man who’d take care of me.’ I shouldn’t be afraid of being a girl just because Laura failed at being one. Moreover, I shouldn’t be afraid of
looking
like a girl, believing that a boyish look would protect me from Laura’s fate.

A full length mirror hung from one of Grandma’s bedroom walls. I approached it but stopped short, not willing to see my reflection. Fear crawled inside me because I was not sure what the looking glass would show me. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d used a skirt, and I never, ever, had worn clothes fitted enough to reveal my boobs, especially tight Lycra tees. It was only matter of walking two more steps to admire how hot I looked… or how ridiculous. I started to open and clench fists because my hands were feeling numb. Sweat droplets streaked down my back. My heart pounded fast.

“Do it, Alexandra,” I said aloud.

I walked in front of the mirror and stood breathless. The girl in the mirror was somebody I’d never seen before. Slim, but graceful. Little developed—small boobs and buttocks—but rounded enough to look nice. Not very tall, but with long legs—which was actually something hot. Or so I’d heard. The hair extension looked like a natural ponytail. She was me, but she wasn’t me. She was an entity separate from me—one I could never imagine being me.

I put a hand on my hips and pouted like I wanted to kiss somebody or take a selfie. I resembled naughty high-school cheerleader—well, kinda. I looked at my face. Not a stunning beauty, not a prom queen, but something about me looked alluring. My amber eyes stared back at me, desperately beckoning. I moved closer to the mirror, but then they beamed a sort of warning, advising me to back off. I couldn’t though so I moved even closer until I stood only one inch away from the mirror’s glass, still holding the eye contact. I placed my open palms on the glass and so did the girl in the mirror.

Our hands touched and our fingers intertwined. Her trembling lips stood so close to mine—red, perfectly drawn, a bit pouty—that I could have kissed her. I felt her breath on my upper lip. Her body shivered, as excited as mine. Then I saw it. I saw gazillions of stars in her eyes, galaxies orbiting around each other, and suns crashing into one another. An endless symphony that both destroyed and created life all at once. The image mesmerized me. I simply couldn’t stop watching. Over a background sprinkled with glowing stardust, I saw myself. I looked like a little tomboyish figure who liked to deny herself. A midget frightened of her own shadow, waiting for her mother do something about it. An insignificant person who expected her mother to find ‘a good man’ who’d take care of both of them and solve her problems all at once.

The movie in the girl’s eyes continued and then I saw Jenny stepping in place of that ‘good man’, saving me from the bullies and the world.

I whispered, “It’s not the same. Laura was looking for a good man who’d take care of her. It’s not that I am looking for a ‘good girl who’d good take care of—”

“You are,” the other girl stated back in a whisper. Her fingers tightened around mine. “Just don’t love Jenny or Edward because they protect you, but because of who they are.”

I pouted. “My feelings are a mess. I feel I’m in love with both of them. Am I gay, or bisexual?”

“Neither of them, just a bit confused, but it doesn’t matter at all. What’s important is that you’re a girl and you’ve always been one. Don’t ever again be afraid of being yourself.”

Her voice sounded a bit husky, like that of those sexy girls in movies. In her eyes, I could see fire igniting her soul, a fire so powerful, it could torch the entire world, thus the back-off warning. Such a fire conveyed passion and even lust, but also love and tenderness. I couldn’t help whispering, “You’re so hot. I wanna kiss you.”

The girl giggled. “Don’t be silly. I told you, you’re not gay so don’t think about kissing other girls. Besides, I’m only your own image in the mirror, but it’s good you finally started to like yourself.”

July 4, 9:38 pm

I resembled a teen idol, and not even my Mom would have recognized me. Okay, I might be exaggerating a bit, but I was sure Jenny would have been thrilled. I only needed a belly-button piercing to be taken for a Disney teen star.

This was my plan: I was gonna return to Lincoln Park, look for Edward, and spill the beans. Afterwards, I’d walk all the way back to Magnolia Hall where I’d stay hidden in some bedroom until it was time to return to town and take the Greyhound. I’d be back in Somerset the same time as Jenny, and would explain everything to her, and we would figure out together how to solve my problems. Together. She wouldn’t solve them for me. I would with her help. Piece of cake. In the meantime, I needed to be careful and not to bump into Yago. However, if I did, chances were he wouldn’t recognize me. Really, I looked that much different.

I strode through Abbeville’s empty streets as fast as I could without killing myself because of the heels until I reached Lincoln Park. It seemed nobody had left the party. The music was super loud, lots and lots of people still crowded the place, kids played around and everybody waited for the fireworks.

I stood frozen on the middle of Main Street and gulped. My new girl look was about to face its hardest test. Up to now, everybody in this town had taken me for a boy. Would they see me now as the girl I really was? Or would they see yesterday’s boy trying to pass for a girl?

Don’t be afraid of being yourself.

I wouldn’t. I gulped again, opened and closed my fists, and walked down the crowded street with my face down and my gaze fixed on the pavement. Gigantic speakers had been placed on the sidewalk, and a disco ball hung from a streetlamp, actually turning the street into a dancing floor. Teens, and grownups, and even senior citizens, all of them danced while deafening 1970’s and 1980’s tunes played out of the speakers. With so many people, it was impossible to keep down the street. I had to walk sideways, circling the crowd so I walked through the park. My heels sank in the grass while I zigzagged between picnic tables, giant umbrellas and grills.

Nobody noticed me, which suited me perfectly. People passed by me, lots of people, lots of teens and kids, all of them minding their business and nobody minding mine, which made me feel relieved—it meant nobody had recognized me as Justin. My girl look was just exactly right.

Little by little, I started to raise my head, not looking down at the ground anymore but in front of me. I repeated under my breath
“Don’t be afraid of yourself.”
Guys started to notice me. They fixed their eyes on me, or winked an eye here and there, or raised an eyebrow. Some would turn their heads following me while I walked in front of them, and others would venture a discrete smile or a little wave. I was not used to grabbing people’s attention in a positive way, so I started to feel nervous, breathing faster—there was not enough air around me.

A group of high school jocks stood by a picnic table covered with empty beer cans. I passed in front of them and they undressed me with their eyes. One of them called, “Kathy!”

I didn’t stop. The guy called again, “Kathy!”

In the next moment, he was by my side and grabbed my arm. “Kathy, are you angry at—?”

I turned and the guy froze.

“Sorry,” he said. “Thought you were a friend.”

“It’s okay.” I tried to keep on, but he held my arm.

“Wait, you go to Culver High, don’t you?”

“No.” My face felt super hot. “I… I’m not from here. I’m visiting my grandmother.”

The guy didn’t stand stupidly hypnotized as what always happened before when somebody stared into my eyes—maybe it only worked if I looked tomboyish. His face somehow beamed, and his blue eyes were wide open, but he was managing it very well.

“The guys and I are waiting for a coupla girls from Culver high to join us.” He stammered a bit. He pointed back at his friends. “Wanna hang?”

My stomach was tight. This was unbelievable. A perfect stranger, a high school jock, wanted me to join his friends? A week and a half ago, I’d been bullied in the girl’s restroom and all of a sudden a guy was asking me to hang? I couldn’t believe it, but I can tell you it felt freakin’ awesome, like I’d just been proclaimed Miss Teen America.

“I’ll join you guys later, okay?” I thanked God it was already dark, otherwise this guy would have realized how much I’d blushed—feeling happy didn’t mean I was taking it easy. I felt totally embarrassed.

The guy released my arm and winked. “Sure. I’m Michael. We’ll be around.”

“I’m Alexandra. See ya later.”

As I walked away from him, I bit my lip. Then I stopped and spun. “Michael!”

He stopped in his tracks and spun, smiling. “Yes?”

“Do you happen to know Edward, the sheriff’s kid?”

Michael grimaced. His voice tone was flat. “Yeah, I know the guy.”

“Have you seen him?”

Michael scratched his head. “Yeah, I saw him in the 7-Eleven about five minutes ago.”

“Oh thanks! You’re super nice.”

I’d seen the 7-Eleven earlier. It stood two blocks away from the park. I as strode away, I could hear Michel saying to this friend, “Why does that son of a bitch always gets the hottest chicks?”

I crossed downtown and left the crowds behind me. The 7-Eleven was dead ahead. The heels were killing me, so I took them off and sprinted along the empty street only to crash against a guy who suddenly came out of the 7-Eleven. I bounced backwards and fell on the pavement.

“I’m so sorry! Are you okay?” He extended a hand, offering it to me so I could get to my feet.

It was Edward. I’d finally found him.

# # #

I didn’t take his hand, but our eyes locked. A bolt of lightning seemed to run through Edward’s body, and he shivered.

“Justin?” His eyes widened. “Is that you? Why…why are you dressed like that?”

Suddenly, courage abandoned me and I didn’t know what to say, or how to start explaining myself. I stood speechless, frozen, and scared to death, feeling my face turn cold. Actually, my whole body turned cold like my blood didn’t circulate inside me anymore.

Edward’s eyes scanned my body. Sprawled on the sidewalk, my legs where split apart and I suddenly discovered why cheerleaders used spankies under their skirts. Edward’s eyes were fixed on my panties. Like the rest of my clothes, they were a bit smaller than my correct size.

“You’re a girl!”

Bingo! He finally noticed it. Congrats Mr. Torrent. Now we could kiss and restart right where we’d left off last night. I wanted to hug him, to throw my arms around his neck, to press my lips against his, even guide his hand, showing him the right way to touch me. Prob was I felt as naked and embarrassed as I felt when he took off my T-shirt and didn’t realize I was a girl. This was not the way I’d planned to tell him. Well, I hadn’t planned anything at all, but flashing my sex had certainly been off any plan.

I closed my legs with a fast movement.

“Yes… I am,” I stammered.

Suddenly, I needed to pee, badly, and I wanted to hide deep under the Earth.

“What’s going on?” Edward extended a hand. He looked puzzled, but also concerned.

I took his hand and got to my feet. Touching him again felt like plugging my fingers into a wall socket and I shivered like crazy. This was the moment of truth and I was chickening out like a kid in Disneyland’s haunted mansion. I hated myself. “Nothing. Nothing’s going on. I’m a girl. That’s it. Now you know. Nothing’s wrong with you. You kissed me and it was okay because I’m a girl.”

I backed off two steps. I wanted to leave as fast as I could because I felt totally embarrassed. I wanted to hug him and kiss him once more, but at the same time I felt so foolish and so childish I could only think of escaping. Now Edward knew the truth so we were even. No need to stay so he could laugh at me, highlighting how ridiculous I looked and how stupid it’d been passing for a boy. I suddenly feared he’d simply lose interest in me or start to bully me, just like everybody else did at school. In the next second, I sprinted away from him, leaving the heels on the street. I bolted as fast as I could. I only had a few moments. If Edward decided to run after me, he’d overtake me in matter of seconds unless I placed a good amount of distance between us before he was able to react.

“Justin, wait!”

I made a right at the first corner and a left at the next one—I had to lose him. Bolting like crazy, I ran into an alley and hid in a sunken doorway. I gasped for air, but I covered my mouth so he couldn’t hear me.

I listened carefully. No sound came to my ears besides the far away music from Lincoln Park. I smiled in relief. I’d lost Edward. Now I could carry on with the rest of my plan.

July 4, 10:39 pm

It was a long hike to Magnolia hall, moreover because I walked barefoot, but I didn’t care if my feet ached. I wanted to be back at home as soon as possible so, at first, I ran until I became exhausted. Afterwards, I strode as fast as I could.

Shortly after I left Abbeville, I thought somebody was following me. The road was completely dark, darker than a theater before the movie starts, so it was impossible to tell if somebody was actually there. I hid behind some trees by the road and waited, but nobody came. I kept on and later I heard a car, a SUV that passed moments afterwards. When the road was lit by the SUV’s headlamps, I thought I saw a man hiding into the woods, but then a deer crossed the road as the car drove away. I feared the SUV could be Abe’s dad driving the guys back early, or maybe Edward and Abe’s dad looking for me, but it wasn’t.